Author KissMyTiara Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I'll tell you why. Because he and I have had unprotected sex on numerous occasions, and now that I know I am 100% clean and healthy, I want to make sure that she remains that way as well. Once I end it, if what everyone says is true, he will F$$$ someone else, right? Again, with no protection, right?! And what if that person has a lethal STD? She should KNOW that he does this. And yes, I don't want him to get away with it. Ok, let's assume I found out I wasn't perfectly 100% clean. NOW what?? Tell her, don't??
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by ltomlinson81 By getting involved with your MMs wife, you are merely creating more drama for yourself, as well as overstepping a boundary that should never be crossed in an affair. It is not your place to contact his wife in any way, whatsoever. You are involved with this man, however, you should not be involving yourself in any other part of his life - his wife, his kids, etc... You took on this role by being the OW. Now deal with it on your own. Let him deal with the double life he has created. Be respectful to those who may care about him and keep yourself out of it. Better yet, why not just stop seeing him? Or are you feeding off of this drama? If so, see a shrink, not a married man! I have to say, I absolutely HATE how people who are not now or ever have been the OW/OM or involved with an OW/OM have the audacity to come onto this forum and preach to the OW/OM, placing judgment, putting us down, name calling, bossing us around, etc. We come here for help and support - not for cheerleading in what we are doing, but to provide a comfortable environment for us to discuss what's going on and how we are feeling. Unless you've been in our shoes, you have no idea the level of torment we experience on a daily basis. So how about YOU people grow up a little.
immoralist Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 kmt, I apologize for my superfluous posts. Good luck.
VivianLee Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I have to say, I absolutely HATE how people who are not now or ever have been the OW/OM or involved with an OW/OM have the audacity to come onto this forum and preach to the OW/OM, placing judgment, putting us down, name calling, bossing us around, etc. We come here for help and support - not for cheerleading in what we are doing, but to provide a comfortable environment for us to discuss what's going on and how we are feeling. Unless you've been in our shoes, you have no idea the level of torment we experience on a daily basis. So how about YOU people grow up a little. Here's what I posted earlier I agree with immoralist, you are ticked off....now I will add what I think, I don't know what is deep in your heart but I don't believe your reason for telling her due to disease! Give us a break!! Affairs are so selfish, the people in affairs are very, very selfish, I know I've been the selfish one, you don't want this to cause you and the MM a break up, you think it will break up his marriage. You know something, even though you are "doing" her husband, you have no right to decide what she should know and not know. Their marriage is NONE of your business. She will find out in due time but it's not your "mission" in life to make sure she does. What makes you so special that you should be the bearer of the news?? You're just a symptom of their problems, nothing special and surely not the person that should decide what she knows and doesn't know.....if you can't leave her hubby alone at least leave her alone..... By the way, you may be disease free now but what's to say he isn't seeing someone else on the side besides you?? I'm not telling you to end the affair but at least grow up! I'VE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES!! NOW WILL YOU LISTEN??? And I still don't feel sorry for "the level of torment" you are referring to and I don't even know why you even posted a thread if you were just going to be defensive...you asked what we thought and we told you.....so you decide everyone is judging you because they haven't been there...I've been there and I still think it's a selfish, vindictive and cruel thing to do......try thinking about someone else.....even if you still are having sex with her husband....you can at least keep your nose out of her marriage.....
meanon Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 I don't even know why you even posted a thread if you were just going to be defensive...you asked what we thought and we told you.... Vivian this is not to criticise but to explain, though I hesitate to speak for KissMyTiara. So often when people are upset about the advice they receive, it's not so much what is said but the way it's said. KissMyTiara took the advice that she not tell the wife in good grace, more than this, by post no. 9 she was admitting to error. Given this, what value did the following add?: Being told twice to grow up. The suggestions that her emotions were not genuine, that she was creating a crisis out of a need for drama, that she may need to see a shrink and that her reasoning was a load of crap/bull****. KissMyTiara, you got some good advice here from everyone and some kind words from concerned friends too. Try and take that which helps away from here and forget the rest. We all get things wrong sometimes. You do. God knows, I do. Maybe this time, we were running a little low on charity. Take care.
I Survived Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 KissMyTiara Honey - Take a deep breath - step back and look at what's really going on. I'm not in your head and there is no way you can tell us everything that's going on. I've been on both sides of the equation and it is not easy. There comes a time in a relationship with a MM when you get frustrated about the situation. You love him but he's not really yours exclusively. At the end of the day, you have to let him go back to his wife and family. And that really hurts, especially if you don't have any one else. So you reach a point where you get fed up and you want to do something to change things. Whether it's good or bad, you don't care, you just want things to be different. You have no control over what he does and you never will. But you do have control over what you do. If you want things to change, end it with him. You will be okay without him in your life and most likely better. He is an albatross hanging around your neck. Cut the cord, greive for the loss of that relationship and move on. Stop letting him use you. Please let us know how you're doing. You have our support.
Pocky Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Unless you've been in our shoes, you have no idea the level of torment we experience on a daily basis. KMT - This isn't an attack (I'm actually fond of you) but your torment is self-inflicted. You are in this relationship of your own free will and you continue it of your own free will. It's hard to find a lot of compassion and understanding when someone continues a behavior that questions the social norms and then seeks compassion for their pain. I honestly don't care what you do regarding your MM and I'm in no position to judge you because it's not my place. However, my honest feeling is that you're wasting yourself in a relationship that is going no where and you know it. The slight irritation that I have is simply because you know what you've gotten yourself into, but you ignore reason and logic when it comes to your situation. I wish you would balance your feelings more with your sense so you could get out of this relationship. It's merely irritating because you, my dear, could do much better..
Barby Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 It seems that when certain posts come up, people don't want to hear what people actually think, in fact it seems they just want to be justified. KMT---if in fact you weren't "clean" then you should notify the doctor who in fact you've been sleeping with, the fact that he's married, the home phone number of the wife, and let the doctor do his job on informing her that she needs to get tested. I'm sorry but I stand by the feeling that you are grasping at straws that you want to tell her and are trying to justify it by any means. --------------------------SO------------------------------------ If you're that desperate to do it, then just do it. You haven't and probably won't find most "sensible" human beings to tell you that you should call and inflict pain on a person. Remember KMT YOU are equally responsible in this dirty deed your MM is doing. You're not a "innocent" bystander wanting to inform the wife out of the goodness of your heart. But since no matter what any advisor advises you, you';; do what you want and contact her....so now my question is.... why wait until the first of the year? You waiting until after the "holidays" to soften the blow? I doubt it will make much of a difference.
VivianLee Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by meanon Vivian this is not to criticise but to explain, though I hesitate to speak for KissMyTiara. So often when people are upset about the advice they receive, it's not so much what is said but the way it's said. KissMyTiara took the advice that she not tell the wife in good grace, more than this, by post no. 9 she was admitting to error. Given this, what value did the following add?: Being told twice to grow up. The suggestions that her emotions were not genuine, that she was creating a crisis out of a need for drama, that she may need to see a shrink and that her reasoning was a load of crap/bull****. KissMyTiara, you got some good advice here from everyone and some kind words from concerned friends too. Try and take that which helps away from here and forget the rest. We all get things wrong sometimes. You do. God knows, I do. Maybe this time, we were running a little low on charity. Take care. It's hard to be sympathic and have a charitable tone when the person you are speaking to is neither sympathic or sounding very charitable, actually never is in any of her posts. Yet and still, I let her know I've been there too and was hoping when she wouldn't listen to others that had not been in her shoes, she's realize that I had......oh well...maybe your approach is better, you've always been kind to me.....I just don't have the patience when the person just doesn't seem to care or is being honest with themselves and others....
meanon Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Everyone's approach is justified, Vivian. I'm no better or worse an advice giver than you. People benefit from different perspectives. You commented that KMT was defensive, I was trying to explain why that may be and to lend her my support, in my way, in her time of need. I'm sure that's what you were trying to do too
VivianLee Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by meanon Everyone's approach is justified, Vivian. I'm no better or worse an advice giver than you. People benefit from different perspectives. You commented that KMT was defensive, I was trying to explain why that may be and to lend her my support, in my way, in her time of need. I'm sure that's what you were trying to do too Thanks meanon...I understand what you mean!
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by Barby you should notify the doctor who in fact you've been sleeping with, the fact that he's married, the home phone number of the wife, and let the doctor do his job on informing her that she needs to get tested. why wait until the first of the year? You waiting until after the "holidays" to soften the blow? I doubt it will make much of a difference. I don't know their home phone number, I only know where she works. I could try asking my doctor to do it for me...that is an interesting idea. After the holidays to soften the blow - exactly correct. I do think it'll make a difference in as much that the holiday season is pretty much here already... While I completely take responsibility for my choice thus far to be involved in this relationship, that doesn't mean that I should continue on in my haste in how and when I end it and let her find out, now does it? If she must know, which at this point, I think we have all agreed that she should, why should I not find a way to tell her that causes the least amount of pain/stress as possible (understanding of course that no matter what course is taken, she will hurt)? Have a doctor do it, there's one way. Wait until after the tree comes down and the children have opened their presents, that's another way. Ignorance is bliss right? I'll give her one last blissful holiday season...while I wait the results of my biopsy. Is that ok for all of you?
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 ...while I wait the results of my biopsy. Biopsy?!...Is this what it's really all about KMT? Are you afraid you may be ill and facing the situation and/or holidays all alone?
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 This "thing" he gave me is believed to be what causes cervical cancer, and yesterday I found out my most recent trip to the gyno resulted in an abnormal pap. He doesn't know THAT part, I'm keeping my medical condition private until I know whether or not my precancerous cells are in fact cancer. NO, I will not be relying on him for support through this...I am crying on the shoulder of close, real friends instead, who are trying to convince me that cervical cancer does not strike and kill 27 year old women, but given my luck of late, I'm not so convinced. What kills me is that she has 3 children who depend on her for love, support, comfort, etc. I cannot just let her go about life possibly growing cervical cancer, now can I??
Owl Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 You think waiting until the end of the year is going to "soften the blow"???? puh-leez!!! Lady...there is nothing you can do to make this easier for her. I've been in her shoes. She won't appreciate you waiting several more months (the whole time you're continuing the affair!!) and make it seem like you waited just to be nice to her. You're not waiting for her. You're waiting for you own personal reasons. Admit it...to yourself most of all. I'm still of the opinion that you should tell her...she may or may not believe you, but she deserves to know that her husband is being a dishonest @#$@# and that you're the one schtuping him. Don't get all altruistic about how you're going to make this better for her now. Just a LITTLE late, IMHO. If you're gonna tell her, then get off your tuckus, get honest with yourself and everyone else, and do it. Waiting isn't gonna make it easier on anyone but YOU. Oh, and maybe him too...but that's really the only people that matter in this little triangle, isn't it? Now that I've got you riled up, think about what I've said, and think about who stands to gain from your little wait. It isn't the wife, it isn't the kids...that leaves who???
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 I feel bad for EVERYONE involved, but what's done is done and there's no going back. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for second chances. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words. I can understand your anger, fear and resentment. What you do with that is completely your decision. Although I suspect, if your MM has been sleeping with his wife, it may already be too late. My hope is that everything will turn out well in regard to your health. That all will be fine and this scare will serve as a defining moment for you. If given a second chance, what might you do? Would it be enough for you to reconsider your own welfare and take the steps necessary to remove yourself from this devastating situation?...Or are you too far gone?
Barby Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara This "thing" he gave me is believed to be what causes cervical cancer, and yesterday I found out my most recent trip to the gyno resulted in an abnormal pap. He doesn't know THAT part, I'm keeping my medical condition private until I know whether or not my precancerous cells are in fact cancer. NO, I will not be relying on him for support through this...I am crying on the shoulder of close, real friends instead, who are trying to convince me that cervical cancer does not strike and kill 27 year old women, but given my luck of late, I'm not so convinced. What kills me is that she has 3 children who depend on her for love, support, comfort, etc. I cannot just let her go about life possibly growing cervical cancer, now can I?? Okay now see I know you probably felt this was none of any one else's business but this helps me to understand your reasoning better. Honestly if you're only sleeping with him and you ended up with something, well you need to let him and her know. He needs to know so he doesn't keep passing whatever that he has on to others. From your first post it sounded more like anger prompting you to say these things and i don't know it just came across that maybe you were wanting to make her hurt like you were hurting.... But with a medical condition and health at stake, I say go ahead and tell her, ignorance is not bliss with this situation, she should know as soon as possible so she can get herself taken care of as well. Why should you allow more time to pass so that if she has the same thing that it may turn cancerous with more time. Maybe a doctor telling her isn't the best thing, I dunno...maybe you should call and leave a message for her at her workplace just asking them to tell her to call you and your number, ASAP. Then when she calls tell her what you need to tell her without rubbing it in her face. Yes the holiday season is close but with it being health issues it needs to be out in the open. If I were you I wouldn't tell him you're going to tell her, he will put it in her head that you are someone was rejected by him and just want to make trouble, talk to her first.
Joyce Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 I agree you need to tell her. Don't wait until the holidays are over... her health is at risk. She needs to get treated ASAP. I would call her don't let a doctor get in the middle.
Mr Spock Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara I'll tell you why. Because he and I have had unprotected sex on numerous occasions, and now that I know I am 100% clean and healthy, I want to make sure that she remains that way as well. Once I end it, if what everyone says is true, he will F$$$ someone else, right? Again, with no protection, right?! And what if that person has a lethal STD? She should KNOW that he does this. And yes, I don't want him to get away with it. Listen KMT, if he hasn't chosen you (supposing you do give him the ultimatum of you or her) then you do nothing but bow gracefully out of their lives. It sucks. HE sucks. But you don't get to choose when and where that marriage ends if he indeed hasn't chosen you. And you know what? It's COWARDLY to choose to end your affair in that matter. Because it allows you to end your suffering without him choosing between the two-after all, you may not be the winner and that HURTS. But it's the only way you will come to the realization that he's really not that into you-by making him choose. And if he doesn't choose you, you cut him out of your life. You don't wreck hers. And if he does, then it was meant to be.
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 (For the record, I am pretending like Owl doesn't exist - I prefer the interaction with Enigma, Pocky, StillHurtin, Barby, and yes...even Vivian... ) I haven't seen him since I found out, I avoid talking to and/or seeing him. For all intents and purposes, the affair is over. I just don't want to tell him WHY it's over until I have a chance to tell her about what's being passed from her H for the very reason that he may run to her and say "hey, there's this crazy girl out there..." and then she wouldn't bother to go see her gyno to get treated... Am I angry? Of course. Am I terrified of what lays ahead for me health wise? Yes. Am I scared of not being with him...honestly, no. I am in this weird bewildered place of peace, as if I FINALLY have something real and tangible to hold on to for a reason to end this fiasco. I'm not looking for second chances as much as I am to make amends. I have caused damage here, I acknowedge that and take responsibility for it - can't you see that already? That said, some of you seem to think I should just walk away and let the disaster continue, but I just don't think so. I may be an evil, immoral person bound for hell for being involved with a MM in the first place, but THIS SPECIFIC situation I just cannot let go on...
Author KissMyTiara Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Listen KMT, if he hasn't chosen you (supposing you do give him the ultimatum of you or her) then you do nothing but bow gracefully out of their lives. It sucks. HE sucks. But you don't get to choose when and where that marriage ends if he indeed hasn't chosen you. I haven't asked nor will I ever ask him to make a choice. Even if he did, it would be moot, because I have already made mine.
Barby Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 I haven't seen him since I found out, I avoid talking to and/or seeing him. For all intents and purposes, the affair is over. I just don't want to tell him WHY it's over until I have a chance to tell her about what's being passed from her H for the very reason that he may run to her and say "hey, there's this crazy girl out there..." and then she wouldn't bother to go see her gyno to get treated... Good choice...Please for her sake and so you can get it over and done with, please tell her ASAP (like now or in the next couple of days) it's easier to get it over and done with instead of prolonging the agony on both parts. Plus you know how you're stressing about your health and possible complications, now put yourself in her place and imagine if you weren't told and having something potentially deadly growing inside yourself isn't the best thing obviously. This is your chance to do what you can do to make things right in a sense, just go on and do it... Good luck and be strong. Also good luck and don't let him worm his way back in...
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 OK just been reading from the start here. First off, sorry for the health scare you are going through. Really rough and hard on you. I wouldn't worry so much on what he thinks or what he does...Just do what you need to do, the sooner the better. There is gonna be alot of hurt feelings, bad emotions everywhere and lash outs as well. Just be prepared to take it from every angle! Fireworks ya know? Good luck!
VivianLee Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 KMT? No wonder we are all confused and then some even feel badly for giving you certain advice since you lowered the "biopsy whammy" on us....this is the reason you gave us that you wanted to tell her.....you said you were clean and made the whole STD thing sound like something he'd get when y'all broke up....plus you admited....well....here's the post... Kissmytiara: I'll tell you why. Because he and I have had unprotected sex on numerous occasions, and now that I know I am 100% clean and healthy, I want to make sure that she remains that way as well. Once I end it, if what everyone says is true, he will F$$$ someone else, right? Again, with no protection, right?! And what if that person has a lethal STD? She should KNOW that he does this. And yes, I don't want him to get away with it. __________________ How are we to give correct advice when you don't give us the full information?? Dang, gal!
Karlise13 Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 You said you were "100% clean" and I just couldn't get why you needed to tell the wife. Now you're getting a biopsy? Very confusing. I think the idea of having the doctor talk to the others involved is a good idea. Is your MM really such a cad that he wouldn't tell his wife about a possibly pre-cancerous condition she might have been exposed to? Is he that kind of person? Eeeesh.... Ethically, you are in a quandry. Clearly, if you have a serious condition that HE PASSED TO YOU she does need to know. Is there any way to soften the blow? Not likely. I think having a third party deliver the message is a good plan. Could be a health care worker.
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