LDR with a law student. Words for an aching heart?

[LeonatheWriter]

First off, I applaud you if you can read my story whole. Love is a complicated and selfless emotion.

 

The truth is, I've never been in a serious relationship before, nor have I ever had a boyfriend for longer than two months. I stayed away from dating because I wanted the next guy to be the last guy, or "the one." When I met my current boyfriend last June 2012, we were friends but not very close and we had many mutual friends. We didn't grow close until the end of April of this year when we confessed our feelings and began dating. I guess we both fell in love too quickly because after two weeks of dating, we told each other we loved each other. But it was also after two weeks that I had to leave the country because I wanted to study in the US. We Skyped and messaged every day/night, but I didn't agree to be his girlfriend until two months later. We are now 30,000 miles apart. He started Law school in June, I'm starting my third year in college next month.

The problem is, I have a hard time communicating with him. He seems convinced that I'm the one. We always talk about future plans, like he'd tell me he'll move to the US after he becomes a lawyer and we'll eventually marry and have kids. He's incredibly sweet, tells me he loves me before and after every conversation, and we take nearly thirty minutes to say goodbye every time.

 

I remember when he started law school two months ago, we were both afraid yet determined because his professors and upperclassman friends were telling all the freshman law students that 90% of relationships will fail after three months; because they become too busy or because they fall in love with other students who know what they're going through. My boyfriend and I wanted to prove them wrong and show everyone that we could last five years (that's how long he'll be in school, while I plan to enter medical school). So no, there's no easy way out.

 

But sometimes I find myself thinking if its worth it. I find myself crying almost every night because of something he did or said that annoyed or frustrated me, and I get so easily jealous when he talks about girls. For example, he once told me he almost lost his virginity many times (one to girl he already knew I got jealous of, and another to one of his "best girl friends.") Is it irrational of me to feel extreme jealousy over this?

 

Another instance was when I had nothing to do one day so I waited the entire day for him to wake up so I could see him. (We Skype every morning and night; we are a 15 hour time difference, so my morning is his night and my night is his morning). But when I called, he was still sleepy and asked to call again after an hour. It was already 12 noon where he was, but I had no problem waiting a bit more. The next time I call, he's half asleep and spends most of the time looking through online pictures or watching movies with me. We hardly had time to talk and by 11pm on my time, he asks me to sleep early so he could take a nap. Sometimes his attention is elsewhere. When I talk to him, of course he hears me because he loves me, but it's like he's not really listening. When he's tired, I patiently and lovingly tell him to rest because I understand law school is energy and time consuming. When I'm tired, he always asks me to stay up longer, even if all we're doing is watching annoying videos or sending me 9gag links.

 

Sometimes he's so overly sweet that it sounds unrealistic or even fake. Like one time, I ask him what he's doing and he says, "looking at your beautiful face" when his eyes were actually closed, or he was laughing quietly to himself at another 9gag photo. There are nights when I know he knows I'm annoyed at him, but he responds by being overly sweet. It annoys me even more because I want to get mad at him, but the fact that he's being sweet to me makes me feel like the bad person. It confuses my emotions and I end up wanting to withdraw and stop talking to him.

 

I'm more frustrated because I let things boil inside of me and keep things to myself, because I don't know if I'm being too emotional or sensitive. I don't want to tell him about it if it's too petty, but then I feel like the more I keep things unsaid, the more bitter I'll become. Is it asking too much to want more of his attention? Why do I feel so drained, hurt, and tired after talking to him every night? The only times I feel happy are the nights we have a good conversation with each other. I really, really care and love this guy, but I think about our relationship so much it makes me doubt if its worth holding on to. Did we rush things? Should I give him space while we both focus on school first? If we love each other, why do I feel depressed all the time? I don't know anymore whether I'm more happy and hurt by this relationship.

 

Maybe I'm just tired and confused because I'm new to the country. I'm still adjusting. But I just so emotionally tired, I feel like he deserves someone more patient and physically close to him that will make him happier.

 

I'm just a girl trying to grow and mature with a law student for a boyfriend 30,000 miles away, whom I do love and care about. Someone please tell me: Am I being irrational, emotional, sensitive or the like? Should I let him go or should I keep trying? Is it because this is my first serious relationship (worse, a long distance relationship)?

Edited August 17, 2013 by LeonatheWriter

[emi]

LDR do work for some people, but there are failure as well. Its like normal relationship, you got failure and got succesful case.

30.000miles is a very long way, i hope u considering it carefully before u get involved deeper, only you know that you should keep on trying or let go, will u feel relieft or extreme regret?

And yea we all afraid when its come to serious relationship

[Star Gazer]

Unless he's on a satellite orbiting Earth, I don't think he's 30,000 miles away.

 

It sounds like you don't have much going on in your life beyond sitting by the phone or computer waiting to hear from him. Given that he's a first year law student, he's going to be very busy and stressed with school until he figures out how to settle in...it can take awhile. Even after that, he's going to be busy, and I assume the time difference will pose difficulty too.

[justwhoiam]

First off, I applaud you if you can read my story whole.

Applaud me. It was hard though, I thought of giving up like two or three times.

 

We didn't grow close until the end of April of this year when we confessed our feelings and began dating.

Who confessed what? One of you must have brought it up first.

 

I guess we both fell in love too quickly because after two weeks of dating, we told each other we loved each other. But it was also after two weeks that I had to leave the country because I wanted to study in the US.

Were you feeling uncomfortable with someone saying I love you after just two weeks, or were you feeling ashamed you were saying I love you after just such a short time?

 

We are now 30,000 miles apart.

As Star Gazer already pointed out, you have your numbers wrong there. Countercheck your facts! You're not in primary school, aren't you?

 

He seems convinced that I'm the one.

Are you?

 

we take nearly thirty minutes to say goodbye every time.

This is not something you can do every time for years. Start being prepared to face changes, even in your and his schedule.

 

My boyfriend and I wanted to prove them wrong and show everyone that we could last five years

Nice challenge, but that's not a good reason to stay together. Ever.

 

I find myself thinking if its worth it.

It's not the relationship that should be worth it. He should be worth it.

 

I find myself crying almost every night because of something he did or said that annoyed or frustrated me, and I get so easily jealous when he talks about girls.

I don't think it's unusual or weird. You just can't go on suffering like that every night. The fact is... he doesn't know you enough. If he knew the way you truly are, he would know what makes you upset and whatnot, and how to ease your feelings, make you feel better, etc.

 

he once told me he almost lost his virginity many times (one to girl he already knew I got jealous of, and another to one of his "best girl friends.") Is it irrational of me to feel extreme jealousy over this?

Was he about to lose his virginity during these past months while you are away? Or before you got together? If it's the latter, he was just letting you know about himself. If it's the former, the scenario changes completely, and it's a red flag for me.

 

The next time I call, he's half asleep and spends most of the time looking through online pictures or watching movies with me. We hardly had time to talk

He is not you and will never be. He can be happy just having you "around". He has a different idea of quality time, like most men. So it bothered you, but that didn't bother him. Be willing to know what he likes and try to keep a balanced relationship. When it's unbalanced, you will feel how unfair it is to you and you'll get mad... but he won't be aware of that. Again, he doesn't know you that well, he must learn it.

 

When I talk to him, of course he hears me because he loves me, but it's like he's not really listening.

Try to use your time together in better ways. At times, be with him 30 minutes less, but make it worth it, for the next time when you need 30 minutes more with him.

 

There are nights when I know he knows I'm annoyed at him, but he responds by being overly sweet. It annoys me even more because I want to get mad at him, but the fact that he's being sweet to me makes me feel like the bad person. It confuses my emotions and I end up wanting to withdraw and stop talking to him.

You give him feedback on how you feel, so it's up to you which kind of feedback you're giving. You're playing an important part on the way he's learning about you and who you are.

 

I'm more frustrated because I let things boil inside of me and keep things to myself, because I don't know if I'm being too emotional or sensitive. I don't want to tell him about it if it's too petty, but then I feel like the more I keep things unsaid, the more bitter I'll become.

I can relate to all that... when something's wrong I get silent... at first he thought it was my way to make him feel bad... but over time he learned that at times I can't talk, if I'm trying to control my emotions not to cry "in front" of him, or if I start keeping things to myself not to be impulsive and say something wrong I could regret of. I guess now he knows me better than I actually know myself, and he knows right away when something's wrong, and knows how to deal with it and make up, etc.

 

It sounds like you don't have much going on in your life beyond sitting by the phone or computer waiting to hear from him.

That might be the case... but I can assure you that can happen to someone very busy too, with a family, a demanding job, friends IRL, etc.

[robimus86]

It sounds like it's a matter of him being really busy and having less time to romanticize(as SG and jwhia basically paraphrased). I don't know him personally, but I highly doubt it is anything personal. Law school should be pretty tough(not to mention he's probably invested a lot into getting there!).

Just my opinion, but maybe a little bit less contact and more space can be better. He is obviously trying if he's talking to you so often but it's easy to take each other for granted without boundaries and if you both aren't satisfied or kept busy with your lives. As much as its tempting to sit by the phone in an LDR, I think the relationship has more of a chance to thrive when you are also out doing things and getting satisfaction yourself or putting yourself into something because it's a lot of energy for you both to depend solely on each other for fulfillment. I think it's pretty much the same even in a normal relationship(although you have the added benefit of seeing them, which probably gives more security and less pressure).

Also, it might be good to talk with him and tell him... you know, but not in too much of a confrontational manner; more like "hey, you know I know you do spend time on the phone... but if you're busy/tired let's find a good time to talk that works for you where we can really just catch up"(just as a general example of course) this way he understands its not a lack of time but a lack of quality time. Good luck

Edited August 18, 2013 by robimus86