Why do you stay?

[compulsivedancer]

That's a nice post. I do believe people make mistakes and if you've been together for years it must be hard to break that bond. It was easy for me as we hadn't been married that long, and we were not right for each other anyway.

 

What about the ones who say awful things about the OW when they are caught? Does that not make you question how decent/ nice a person he is?

I mean I'd never have liked ex mm as a person if he said bad things about the "wife" as that's disrespectful.

 

My H WANTS me to say bad things about xOM and it drives him nuts that I have trouble with it.

[Spotme]

How about if WS left for OW. Then a couple of years later tried to come back to BS? Has anyone been in that situation?

 

This didn't happen to me, but it reminds me of some of H's muddled thinking during/after the affair. We were talking about what he thought was going to happen upon discovery. He told me he was sure I would kick him out, that he would try to make it work with OW, but it wouldn't because he thought she would not let him live his life the way he wanted to, that he would never be able to relax in her home the way he likes to, and that eventually she would end it.* Then I would take him back but be smug about it. Did you catch every last bit of passivity on his part in all of that? He's not normally a passive person at all - but apparently he is delusional.

Anyway, I was like are you kidding me? If I decided to kick your a$$ out, you would most certainly not be coming back after continuing a relationship with OW, number one, and number two, I'm not an I told you so type of person, never have been (which he knows perfectly well), but since I wouldn't be taking you back, that doesn't really matter. In the end, I think he was just continuing his cake eating in his future projections.

 

*Because I know her, I understood the context of why he would feel this way. I only disagree that she would have ended it, because of her issues.

[canuckprincess]

I am a mother of 3 and a wife of 14 yrs. it was his first and only affair to date. I could not simply walk away without thinking of the ramifications on my children. Also, he is remorseful and chose our marriage.

 

Was is disrespectful...yes. Did it kill a part of me...yes. But I am doing much better now. And so is he.

 

Each situation is different.

 

I completely understand why you stayed, his affair ended long before you found out. He choose his marriage before you even knew he cheated. Can we get swept up in the excitement of something new, sure we can but it appears your husband is truly remorseful. The ones I don't understand are the bs of serial cheaters or mm who never plan on ending the marriage or the affair.

 

I believe some people actually think that if the spouse doesn't know then they're not hurting them. But once an affair has been outed and mm stays in the affair I have trouble then understanding why the bs stays. In my situation bs is well aware the affair is still going on, if she believed he ended things she would not be making him report in or keeps tabs on him. I'm sure if she could have him micro chipped she would lol. Once the trust is gone I mean completely gone it can't come back.

Edited August 18, 2013 by canuckprincess

[canuckprincess]

It was 18 months. I know is it over because of the GPS, phone, bank records, keylogger logs. I know many people say you never know but my husband was not great at covering things up. I trusted him so I never looked. Once I looked I found everything very quickly. He couldn't email because of the keyloggers.. His phone number was changed. I put an app on his phone which blocked all numbers from the area code where she lived. He couldn't travel where she was because of the GPS. I had his schedule so I knew where he was plus he texted me constantly on his off hours.

 

I also was able to get every email he had sent and received from her. Plus a journal he was keeping on his computer. I didn't have to go by what he told me. I could see for myself how it was. He had been trying to end it for 16 of the 18 months. She was blackmailing him.He told her over and over that he didn't love her that he loved me. That he was never leaving me. That the affair was a mistake he wished he could undo. For him, me finding out was a relief for him. He was close to confessing just so he could end the affair.

 

I trust very few people so I didn't believe anything unless I could verify it after D-Day. Hell, I researched for every way possible a person could take an affair underground and I made sure none could be done. I hated doing all that. I felt like his guard and I resented it. After about six months I went to checking weekly than monthly.It was hell for both of us to be honest.

 

I would never do this again for any reason. I wasn't trying to keep him from being happy. If he wanted her he could have left. I didn't want to be his second choice or him to stay out of guilt. I checked all that to make sure he was not trying to make a fool out of me again. I never found anything and I looked everyway possible. This allowed the trust to slowly come back.

 

I know your story as I have read here for a long time but never posted. I don't understand your MM at all. He is playing mind games with you and his wife. That is the worst thing someone can do to a person. Give them hope over and over yet never stay true to your word.

 

You do realize you can get around everyone of those road blocks you put in place. I'm not saying he's still cheating on you I'm just saying theirs things like secret cell phones and they can meet up on route so your gps wouldn't show if they were meeting along the way or talking while he's at work. Oh and we all know the blackmail story is a bunch of bull he fed you so you would feel sorry for him. As the ow I have never blackmailed my mm, in fact I have tried to end it at least a dozen times since dday and about 6 times before dday. You can't make your spouse be faithful they have to want to. Again I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband isn't being honest I'm just saying some things aren't what they seem. If I could pm you I could tell you things that would blow your mind but it won't allow me to pm you.

[whatatangledweb]

You do realize you can get around everyone of those road blocks you put in place. I'm not saying he's still cheating on you I'm just saying theirs things like secret cell phones and they can meet up on route so your gps wouldn't show if they were meeting along the way or talking while he's at work. Oh and we all know the blackmail story is a bunch of bull he fed you so you would feel sorry for him. As the ow I have never blackmailed my mm, in fact I have tried to end it at least a dozen times since dday and about 6 times before dday. You can't make your spouse be faithful they have to want to. Again I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband isn't being honest I'm just saying some things aren't what they seem. If I could pm you I could tell you things that would blow your mind but it won't allow me to pm you.

 

I think you missed the part where I found all the emails and his journal so I read all about the blackmail between the two of them.Otherwise I would not have believed him. I would not have trusted a liar without proof. I know he has had no contact as she has found numerous ways to try to contact him and me. She was very clear by the things she wrote that she has not heard from him nor seen him since d-day.

Yes, I do know many people find ways around the spouse checking. Just as FYI, my husband would be very stupid to try to contact her after the post nup he signed. I trust my gut and he is being honest. I can't prove it to you , you can believe it or not. I am okay with that.

[ComingInHot]

canuckP., why do you think after the numerous attempts by yourself, to end the Affair, that you still stay?

[canuckprincess]

I think you missed the part where I found all the emails and his journal so I read all about the blackmail between the two of them.Otherwise I would not have believed him. I would not have trusted a liar without proof. I know he has had no contact as she has found numerous ways to try to contact him and me. She was very clear by the things she wrote that she has not heard from him nor seen him since d-day.

Yes, I do know many people find ways around the spouse checking. Just as FYI, my husband would be very stupid to try to contact her after the post nup he signed. I trust my gut and he is being honest. I can't prove it to you , you can believe it or not. I am okay with that.

 

Actually yes I did miss it but I read your post again and your situation is different then most. Let me play devils advocate, suppose my mm sent bogus emails from an account that would appear to be from me, he could easily convince her that I'm just not letting go or that he no longer loves me. You see unless I heard it straight from the ow herself I wouldn't believe it. Like yourself I don't trust most. After 21 months since dday I could write a book on the how to survive dday. I do think anyone who goes underground and you decide to cause a dday make sure you have iron clad proof. Videos, dated letters, pics, voicemails cause the last thing you want is for the mm to be able to talk his way out of it and make the ow seem like a crazy bunny boiler!

[canuckprincess]

canuckP., why do you think after the numerous attempts by yourself, to end the Affair, that you still stay?

 

Well I'm asked that question a lot, I stay because I love him. He is there for me when I need him, and other then him being married he is perfect for me, oh and the sex is mind blowing. We are good together.

[road]

My H WANTS me to say bad things about xOM and it drives him nuts that I have trouble with it.

 

 

You have to realize that the character of the OM is not one that conducts himself as a man but a thief in the night back stabbing BH's.

 

If your OM was so honorable why did he sneak around with you?

 

If OM was such a man and honorable and honest why did he not tell your BH he was going to take you away from BH to BH's face before he started his conquest of you?

 

You can not say bad things about the OM because then you would have to be honest with your self.

 

You still are justifying your affair. You still believe your rewriting of your marriage history so that you would not feel bad when you cheated.

 

You are still addicted to your OM and the brain chemistry that the affair with the OM created. As an addict you worship your drug because you only want to fondly recall the highs of your drug/OM.

[road]

Well I'm asked that question a lot, I stay because I love him. He is there for me when I need him, and other then him being married he is perfect for me, oh and the sex is mind blowing. We are good together.

 

 

Immaturity causes you to ignore that the mind blowing sex is not due to the level of quality. It is due to that of the excitement doing what is bad and getting away with it. And that your OM is not available every night so you can only get it when he can make himself available. Rationing makes something more valuable.

[canuckprincess]

Immaturity causes you to ignore that the mind blowing sex is not due to the level of quality. It is due to that of the excitement doing what is bad and getting away with it. And that your OM is not available every night so you can only get it when he can make himself available. Rationing makes something more valuable.

 

Please don't take every little word to heart.

[Anna-Belle]

Wow. What a narcissist. I know some people like to be fought over, but jeez, he was obvious. "I have been having an affair, I am in love with another woman... I can't believe you didn't fight for me!!" Maybe it was much more simple... that having an affair was just a deal breaker for her?

 

There are plenty of narcissists in my life, so I definitely know how to spot one. And my sMM is NOT one. You're wrong there.

 

Yes, the affair was likely a deal breaker for her, but the reason it was was because she never really has desired him. That has been a problem throughout their marriage.

[ComingInHot]

CanuckP. wrote, "Well I'm asked that question a lot, I stay because I love him. He is there for me when I need him, and other then him being married he is perfect for me, oh and the sex is mind blowing. We are good together."

 

You put it straight out there & I appreciate that* (even though I did kind-of throw up in my mouth a little with the "sex is mind blowing part), only because as a Wife, I feel the same about My Husband*

 

CanuckP. why then did/do you try SO many times to end it if the above is true? Why not just "be good with it", being the OW I mean?

[road]

Please don't take every little word to heart.

 

 

Take to heart no way.

 

Take what you say at face valve because I can not prove or disprove what you say.

 

Though I think: how can she face herself with the things she says here.

 

Either she is her for sport just to say outrageous things and she is making this stuff up, and if is honest then wow because she needs mental help ASAP.

 

Either way your story is sad.

[canuckprincess]

CanuckP. wrote, "Well I'm asked that question a lot, I stay because I love him. He is there for me when I need him, and other then him being married he is perfect for me, oh and the sex is mind blowing. We are good together."

 

You put it straight out there & I appreciate that* (even though I did kind-of throw up in my mouth a little with the "sex is mind blowing part), only because as a Wife, I feel the same about My Husband*

 

CanuckP. why then did/do you try SO many times to end it if the above is true? Why not just "be good with it", being the OW I mean?

 

The mind blowing sex comment was a joke, he's pushing 50 and I'm in my mud 40's so that was an attempt to be a smartass. It's not all about the sex it's everything else we share. I am ok with being the ow but I still think he needs to be honest with his wife. I do hate that she thinks I'm just some bunny boiler who can't get over her husband.

[ComingInHot]

CanuckP. wrote, "I am ok with being the ow but I still think he needs to be honest with his wife. I do hate that she thinks I'm just some bunny boiler who can't get over her husband."

 

CanuckP. Why doesn't he tell His Wife the Truth? Why continue to lie and gaslight her about you and the A? (I'm sure you've read this before, but I believe a GIANT part of why the BW eventually goes BOILER on the OW, is BECAUSE of the lies and gaslighting that Her Husband does and sometimes does this to her for years and Years but him being a master manipulator, deceiver and overall jackhole can continually spin a web His Wife believes).

 

Maybe I missed why he wants to stay with His Wife so bad.

[compulsivedancer]

You have to realize that the character of the OM is not one that conducts himself as a man but a thief in the night back stabbing BH's.

 

If your OM was so honorable why did he sneak around with you?

 

If OM was such a man and honorable and honest why did he not tell your BH he was going to take you away from BH to BH's face before he started his conquest of you?

OM did not WANT to take me away from H. He only wanted me as a side sex thing, possibly relationship. Not saying that makes him any more honorable. It is what it is.

 

You can not say bad things about the OM because then you would have to be honest with your self.

 

You still are justifying your affair. You still believe your rewriting of your marriage history so that you would not feel bad when you cheated.

 

You are still addicted to your OM and the brain chemistry that the affair with the OM created. As an addict you worship your drug because you only want to fondly recall the highs of your drug/OM.

 

I know, we've discussed this more than once, I think. I was just pointing out that the BS may PREFER the WS to say mean/bad things about the OM/OW. In the comment I was replying to, she thought as a BS that it would disrespectful, etc, for the WS to say bad things about the AP.

Edited August 18, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[ladydesigner]

You do realize you can get around everyone of those road blocks you put in place. I'm not saying he's still cheating on you I'm just saying theirs things like secret cell phones and they can meet up on route so your gps wouldn't show if they were meeting along the way or talking while he's at work. Oh and we all know the blackmail story is a bunch of bull he fed you so you would feel sorry for him. As the ow I have never blackmailed my mm, in fact I have tried to end it at least a dozen times since dday and about 6 times before dday. You can't make your spouse be faithful they have to want to. Again I'm not suggesting for a moment that your husband isn't being honest I'm just saying some things aren't what they seem. If I could pm you I could tell you things that would blow your mind but it won't allow me to pm you.

 

You know canuck I totally get what you are saying, it is a fear of mine. I am a BS that has suffered multiple DDays and broken NC with same MOW. I cannot make my WS faithful, but I CAN keep getting stronger so that IF there is a slip-up (and there usually is) I have everything ready to go. My WH and the MOW have made me look like a complete fool especially my WS. My WS proved to me over and over again how addicting/or in love with MOW he was. It hurt me to the core. I got angry, I lashed out, I drank and did drugs, I tried to commit suicide, all for a man who I thought was here to protect me and love me and our children together. It's a very upsetting realization, one I have to live with everyday.

 

I hope in your BW's case that she does get the info she needs to make a decision for herself because if I knew my WH was cheating on me again I wouldn't look back.

[Coolit]

How sad that people put so much time and effort in to a dead end relationship when they could be working on being a better person or finding a healthy relationship- why anyone would waste so much time and effort on an affair is beyond me-

 

Learning how in depth some As are makes me shake my head. Secret phones, decoys, hotel meet-ups, keeping stories straight. Soooo much work. Add a suspicious spouse to that and it is doubly hard. I can see why BS who discover those affairs have their world shattered. The amount of effort put into them is a blow to anyone. And while what I did was no less terrible as cheating is cheating the tangled web was really not that involved. I think perhaps my story would be a lot different had my A been more involved.

[Spark1111]

Well I'm asked that question a lot, I stay because I love him. He is there for me when I need him, and other then him being married he is perfect for me, oh and the sex is mind blowing. We are good together.

 

I stay because he is good for me and there when I need him. I stay because of our history, the ILYs, and the sex is mind blowing.

 

he buys me flowers weekly, brings me coffee every morning, and thanks me for staying in his life. we laugh and have so much fun together!

 

He is also the father of my children, who have forgiven him and adore him once again. we are all happy.

 

Why would I leave that? Give that up?

 

And I cannot even imagine the pathology that would allow him to continue with his fOW, have secret cell phones, bypass all the sleuthing devices, go deeper underground to maintain contact. I can't imagine a woman who would be okay with it either.

 

That's PATHOLOGICAL! And now, years later, after we have dealt with all that pain, I would be bemused at that chink in his armor that found it necessary to do so.

 

I am not the wifey who stayed for legacy, money, status quo. And many of the BSs I have met here are not either. we are some of the most courageous people I know.

 

I would leave, divorce, and get laid by some young stud before setting out to find a man worthy of my time, my love, my sexuality, and my future. And I would find it because I know I deserve it.

 

Canuck, you do too. what are you doing? what is ANY woman doing with secret cell phones, crumbs of time and attention?

 

I just don't get it.

 

as long as you believe his wife is some weak-willed simp who lives like a roommate for the paycheck and the kids, all APs will be stuck in a lonely world where your only empowerment comes from rescuing a man who REALLY needs to rescue himself and STOP wasting your time.

 

YOU OW are ALL BETTER than this scenario.

[Spark1111]

I know, we've discussed this more than once, I think. I was just pointing out that the BS may PREFER the WS to say mean/bad things about the OM/OW. In the comment I was replying to, she thought as a BS that it would disrespectful, etc, for the WS to say bad things about the AP.

 

Well what he says or doesn't say about her has no bearing on my personal opinion of her.

 

And my opinion of her behavior is not positive but pales in comparison to what I thought of him and his actions towards me during and immediately after the affair.

 

I get limerance, loneliness, attraction and saying whatever I needed to say to get my needs met.

 

But I will NEVER understand someone claiming to have real feelings for YOU encouraging YOU to self-sabotage and self-destruct all you hold dear in the name of "love"; your reputation, ethics, legacy, family, marriage.

 

In fact, the ONLY person who would encourage you to risk it all is YOUR AP. Not your family, friends, kids, coworkers, anyone who cares about YOU would EVer encourage you upon such a self-destructive path. Hence, that is why the secrecy is so necessary to keep these selfish affair delusions going.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish. A truly usury relationship.

 

And what DOES LOVE or true feelings have to do with that?

 

Absolutely NOTHING. STOP romanticizing it.

 

it was what you projected upon it, like smoke on mirrors.

[jlola]

Well what he says or doesn't say about her has no bearing on my personal opinion of her.

 

And my opinion of her behavior is not positive but pales in comparison to what I thought of him and his actions towards me during and immediately after the affair.

 

I get limerance, loneliness, attraction and saying whatever I needed to say to get my needs met.

 

But I will NEVER understand someone claiming to have real feelings for YOU encouraging YOU to self-sabotage and self-destruct all you hold dear in the name of "love"; your reputation, ethics, legacy, family, marriage.

 

In fact, the ONLY person who would encourage you to risk it all is YOUR AP. Not your family, friends, kids, coworkers, anyone who cares about YOU would EVer encourage you upon such a self-destructive path. Hence, that is why the secrecy is so necessary to keep these selfish affair delusions going.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish. A truly usury relationship.

 

And what DOES LOVE or true feelings have to do with that?

 

Absolutely NOTHING. STOP romanticizing it.

 

it was what you projected upon it, like smoke on mirrors.

Remember that famous Woody Allen quote so many people use these days "The heart wants what the heart wants"?

 

I have read it used on LS before as a reason to not end the affair. It is selfish. It means i want what I want and if people are hurt by it, it is unfortunate because I cannot help myself.

 

We as humans were given feelings and logic to make choices for the greater good of all. Not just ourselves. also. We are to use both logic and emotions. But selfish people use their heart as though it is the only thing that matters,and use that excuse of "love" as "free pass" to ruin lives. at the same time, declaring "I am a good person, i just fell in love and could not control my emotions". "Lives will be ruined, but I cannot help myself","you see, the heart wants what the heart wants".

 

Whoever thought Woody Allen would be a role model?

Edited August 20, 2013 by jlola