Why do you stay?

August 17, 2013

Having been an OW and a BS I would never stay with a cheater.

I am glad I've been on both sides especially an OW status as I've learned that these man are cake eaters and generally don't care about the feelings of either women during the fog and the high.

How do you trust and love a man who lets face it at one time loved another woman too and disrespected you so much?

I don't get why you stay. The relationship can't be the same again? Sometimes I read BS posts and think they are a bit naive and too forgiving.

I remember being cheated on. Cliche- I was pregnant I found texts. He never owned up but I know it happened. Instantly turned off by him. Couldn't love him the same way. I kicked him out, ended my marriage.

August 17, 2013

As a BS I stayed because I loved my common law spouses. We reconciled and I hoped it would not happen again. It did. Eventually I moved on but not because of the infidelities, because of other reasons.

August 17, 2013

I have been married a long time and we had a good marriage. My husband had a midlife crisis and had an affair. I had no clue he was having one as our relationship never changed. He travels quite a bit due to work and that is when it all happened. Our lives revolved around each others, we were constantly doing things together, as far as I could tell we were both happy.

I found out and I was shocked...beyond shocked. All I could think and say for awhile was why??? I thought like you Affairaddict. How can I ever trust him again? Why would I stay with someone like that? I am not naive nor am I a forgiving person . It was very hard for me to know what to do. I told him if that was what he wanted then get the hell out. That I would not be married to a whore. He begged,pleaded, and cried. This is a man that has rarely cried in all our years together.

I loved him so I gave him a chance. He had to give all passwords, answer his phone at any time of the day or night that I called when he traveled, sign a post nup, and no contact ever with her again. I also put keyloggers on all the computers.

He did everything right.It took a long time to trust him and to forgive him. He had to earn it back. Good people make bad choices that hurt other people. For a very small portion of our time together he betrayed me with his bad choices. All the many good years we had far outweigh that bad time.

I gave him a chance because I loved him. He more than proved he was worth the chance.

August 17, 2013

That's a nice post. I do believe people make mistakes and if you've been together for years it must be hard to break that bond. It was easy for me as we hadn't been married that long, and we were not right for each other anyway.

What about the ones who say awful things about the OW when they are caught? Does that not make you question how decent/ nice a person he is?

I mean I'd never have liked ex mm as a person if he said bad things about the "wife" as that's disrespectful.

August 17, 2013

That's a nice post. I do believe people make mistakes and if you've been together for years it must be hard to break that bond. It was easy for me as we hadn't been married that long, and we were not right for each other anyway.

What about the ones who say awful things about the OW when they are caught? Does that not make you question how decent/ nice a person he is?
I mean I'd never have liked ex mm as a person if he said bad things about the "wife" as that's disrespectful.

My husband did not say bad things about her. He blamed himself for the whole affair. Nor did he say bad things about me to her. He felt bad that she and I had both been hurt because of him. In general my husband is a really good guy. The type of person people meet and feel as though they can trust and tell him anything. Which is why his affair was such a shock.

August 17, 2013

That's a nice post. I do believe people make mistakes and if you've been together for years it must be hard to break that bond. It was easy for me as we hadn't been married that long, and we were not right for each other anyway.

My fMM and his wife had been married for close to 25 years when they had a Dday this spring. He and I actually spoke about the topic of this thread yesterday. He feels that the relative ease by which his wife let him go when she found out he was in love with another woman and had been having an affair for years shows that she wasn't that invested in him specifically, that she didn't really need him. She wanted a good husband and a father, not him specifically. Is this something you can relate to?

August 17, 2013

Still not worked out how to do a quote properly.sorry!

Yes I suppose I wasn't invested in ex H I was angry at her though, more through humiliation I think and the fact that she befriended me during. Not sure he loved her don't think it was an EA think it was sex After work prob in car. Anyway when I left him they never ended up together. God knows why.

The affair I was in was EA until the end where there were a couple of physical acts. But the sexual attraction was there from the start we just agreed not to go down that route. We used to say if only we'd met each other earlier wed be together. I genuinely think he felt that , not saying he wasn't happy and glad he met her. But now I feel that if he was free and came to me I couldn't be with him- it would be a mistake to start a relationship with a former cheat .

Just babbling but it's nice to have some clarity, also dating a single man early days but my self esteem is reasonable these days!

August 17, 2013

Just babbling but it's nice to have some clarity, also dating a single man early days but my self esteem is reasonable these days!

Glad you're doing good! Nice with a single guy, you don't need to deal with all the mess of an EMR. Enjoy!

August 17, 2013

Quote:

"How do you trust and love a man who lets face it at one time loved another woman too"

"Sometimes I read BS posts and think they are a bit naive and too forgiving"

Sometimes I read OW posts and think they are a bit naive if they think the married man they are sleeping with loves them.

If by " love" you mean banging, sure. But very often the wayward spouse loves his wife. He likes banging the OW and getting the high from her attention. In the end he usually chooses his wife and regrets the mistakes he made with the OW. He sleeps with OW because he can. That often does not equate to love. He chooses his W in the end because that is who he actually loves.

August 17, 2013

I decided to let him back and to try to R because to me it was worth it. 11 years of M, to AMAZON kids, Many Great times, intertwined families a business together, friends together, the list goes on. There were deciding factors w/regards to the A that encouraged me as well as the effort he made was is still making to show it was me. It was always me. He is a better man today than when we first married. He isn't afraid to show me the "chinks" in his armor and in that we shareall of ourselves with eachother*

August 17, 2013

In some ways my wife's EA was not that major as other affair stories shared here..... in other ways it was worse than some.

In the end, I looked at the many options, many different paths I could take, and they seemed worse for me at the time, and still do - so I stayed and worked on it. Boundaries were established, and paths for health laid down for both of us. Slowly it has gotten better,....very recently much better (thank you new marriage therapist)

It might sound selfish but I added up the pluses an minus's for me personally, and my children, and stuck with the least negative choice and worked on it. I tend to be committed, stubborn person who has persevered though numerous difficult losses to make things eventually better for myself and other I love.

It is still a work in progress, but I am stronger and better out of this - and so is my wife .....no matter what happens with the marriage.

August 17, 2013

I've been an BS, OW, and WS, and I can say with all honesty that the most naive and powerless I've felt was my very brief time as an OW. Settling for breadcrumbs has never been my thing. I want it all.

Part of why I am able to stay is because I can understand what its like to be a WS and some of what contributes to cheating. Its really not about the other person or the BS its an issue of unhappiness and poor boundaries inv the WS period. And I know from experience that love and trust can exist after infidelity.

In my situation its simple. I stay because I still love the hell out of the guy even after what he did. And because he still loves the hell out of me. We both could have walked it might have been easier for us both to start over, its hard work to reconcile.v But we both know the other is worth it!

August 17, 2013

I am a mother of 3 and a wife of 14 yrs. it was his first and only affair to date. I could not simply walk away without thinking of the ramifications on my children. Also, he is remorseful and chose our marriage.

Was is disrespectful...yes. Did it kill a part of me...yes. But I am doing much better now. And so is he.

Each situation is different.

August 17, 2013

I have been married a long time and we had a good marriage. My husband had a midlife crisis and had an affair. I had no clue he was having one as our relationship never changed. He travels quite a bit due to work and that is when it all happened. Our lives revolved around each others, we were constantly doing things together, as far as I could tell we were both happy.

I found out and I was shocked...beyond shocked. All I could think and say for awhile was why??? I thought like you Affairaddict. How can I ever trust him again? Why would I stay with someone like that? I am not naive nor am I a forgiving person . It was very hard for me to know what to do. I told him if that was what he wanted then get the hell out. That I would not be married to a whore. He begged,pleaded, and cried. This is a man that has rarely cried in all our years together.

I loved him so I gave him a chance. He had to give all passwords, answer his phone at any time of the day or night that I called when he traveled, sign a post nup, and no contact ever with her again. I also put keyloggers on all the computers.

He did everything right.It took a long time to trust him and to forgive him. He had to earn it back. Good people make bad choices that hurt other people. For a very small portion of our time together he betrayed me with his bad choices. All the many good years we had far outweigh that bad time.

I gave him a chance because I loved him. He more than proved he was worth the chance.

I'm so glad things worked out for you and you saved your marriage, would you of still stuck around if you found out he was still in contact with ow?

August 17, 2013

30 years together

20 years married

6 months affair finished when I found out (in his words 'once I had to make a choice there was no choice'.

The figures suggest it was worth a good try.don't you agree?

August 17, 2013

Ex-OW here. We shared a friendship for 10 years that developed into an A because of him admitting lust for me. I stayed because I was addicted to the love I felt he gave me. I was so hungry for love and passion. My very being revolved around his calling or seeing him. I felt "whole" by him. When he didn't call or I didn't see him, I was in total depression that day. I fell for when he told me he was miserable, and that with me he felt like he never had before; that he was alive.

His W doesn't know to my knowledge, although she has suspected and has questioned him. Who knows, maybe he has confessed.

Now that this is over and I am in "friend zone," I feel like a schmuck. But, to answer your question, we stay because of addiction.

August 17, 2013

I'm so glad things worked out for you and you saved your marriage, would you of still stuck around if you found out he was still in contact with ow?

No, he would have been gone. I gave one chance. He knew it would only be one. Any contact in anyway meant I would divorce him. As I put it to him...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I will f*ck you up. I love him but I would never have let him back again.

August 17, 2013

Sadwife not all affairs are sexual. Some are emotional. Some are emotional turned physical- the worst kind. Some do love their AP whether they ever admit it or not. Or at least think they do.

Yes I agree long term marriages , many years together deserve a 2nd chance.

Boyfriend girlfriend first couple of years of marriage absolutely no way . Goodbye.

August 17, 2013

Sadwife not all affairs are sexual. Some are emotional. Some are emotional turned physical- the worst kind. Some do love their AP whether they ever admit it or not. Or at least think they do.

Yes I agree long term marriages , many years together deserve a 2nd chance.
Boyfriend girlfriend first couple of years of marriage absolutely no way . Goodbye.

I guess I'm kind of a hopeless romantic in this sense and will have to disagree. If both partners love each other, want to work it out, are willing to put in the hard work to do so, whether they've been together for many years or not, they should go for that second chance! I know of a couple where the wife cheated the second year of marriage, they almost got divorced but they decided to work it out and they've been married for 10 happy (from what I've been told by them) years, now. BTW, this couple is a family friend, so that's how I know.

August 17, 2013

Having been an OW and a BS I would never stay with a cheater.
I am glad I've been on both sides especially an OW status as I've learned that these man are cake eaters and generally don't care about the feelings of either women during the fog and the high.

How do you trust and love a man who lets face it at one time loved another woman too and disrespected you so much?
I don't get why you stay. The relationship can't be the same again? Sometimes I read BS posts and think they are a bit naive and too forgiving.

I remember being cheated on. Cliche- I was pregnant I found texts. He never owned up but I know it happened. Instantly turned off by him. Couldn't love him the same way. I kicked him out, ended my marriage.

I understand exactly how you feel. I lost respect for my mother when she not only stayed with my dad after his affair; she also continued to serve him. My mom says she stayed because of her children but I think she just wasn't brave enough to be a single mom.

My husband and I have a zero tolerance agreement on cheating. I was wild before I got married and my husband told me that I needed to stop playing the field forever if I wanted to be his wife. There have been times where I have been tempted but the love and respect I have for my husband has kept me on the straight and narrow....not to mention a firm belief in the vows that I took.

That said, we all have our own tolerance levels. Some couples find that staying together after infidelity strengthens their marriages.

August 17, 2013

No, he would have been gone. I gave one chance. He knew it would only be one. Any contact in anyway meant I would divorce him. As I put it to him...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I will f*ck you up. I love him but I would never have let him back again.

How long was his affair and how can you be certain the affair is over? I know a few men that after dday they do all the right things to convince bs that they are committed to the marriage but its a complete lie.

August 17, 2013

Kids, money, the house, the cats, "cheaper to keep him".

August 18, 2013

I guess I'm kind of a hopeless romantic in this sense and will have to disagree. If both partners love each other, want to work it out, are willing to put in the hard work to do so, whether they've been together for many years or not, they should go for that second chance! I know of a couple where the wife cheated the second year of marriage, they almost got divorced but they decided to work it out and they've been married for 10 happy (from what I've been told by them) years, now. BTW, this couple is a family friend, so that's how I know.

How about if WS left for OW. Then a couple of years later tried to come back to BS? Has anyone been in that situation?

It seems that MM mostly choose BS,but when they come fishing months,years later to OW. They are usually taken back by OW and affair goes back to full force. OW seem to think WS are martyrs for staying. ignoring the fact they chose BS when they had the chance to get out of the marriage.

August 18, 2013

How long was his affair and how can you be certain the affair is over? I know a few men that after dday they do all the right things to convince bs that they are committed to the marriage but its a complete lie.

It was 18 months. I know is it over because of the GPS, phone, bank records, keylogger logs. I know many people say you never know but my husband was not great at covering things up. I trusted him so I never looked. Once I looked I found everything very quickly. He couldn't email because of the keyloggers.. His phone number was changed. I put an app on his phone which blocked all numbers from the area code where she lived. He couldn't travel where she was because of the GPS. I had his schedule so I knew where he was plus he texted me constantly on his off hours.

I also was able to get every email he had sent and received from her. Plus a journal he was keeping on his computer. I didn't have to go by what he told me. I could see for myself how it was. He had been trying to end it for 16 of the 18 months. She was blackmailing him.He told her over and over that he didn't love her that he loved me. That he was never leaving me. That the affair was a mistake he wished he could undo. For him, me finding out was a relief for him. He was close to confessing just so he could end the affair.

I trust very few people so I didn't believe anything unless I could verify it after D-Day. Hell, I researched for every way possible a person could take an affair underground and I made sure none could be done. I hated doing all that. I felt like his guard and I resented it. After about six months I went to checking weekly than monthly.It was hell for both of us to be honest.

I would never do this again for any reason. I wasn't trying to keep him from being happy. If he wanted her he could have left. I didn't want to be his second choice or him to stay out of guilt. I checked all that to make sure he was not trying to make a fool out of me again. I never found anything and I looked everyway possible. This allowed the trust to slowly come back.

I know your story as I have read here for a long time but never posted. I don't understand your MM at all. He is playing mind games with you and his wife. That is the worst thing someone can do to a person. Give them hope over and over yet never stay true to your word.

August 18, 2013

How about if WS left for OW. Then a couple of years later tried to come back to BS? Has anyone been in that situation?

It seems that MM mostly choose BS,but when they come fishing months,years later to OW. They are usually taken back by OW and affair goes back to full force. OW seem to think WS are martyrs for staying. ignoring the fact they chose BS when they had the chance to get out of the marriage.

That's a good question! I was really only using one example, of the WS not leaving for the OM. Basically, I was saying that it doesn't matter how long someone is with another, if they are willing and want to work it out for whatever reason, they should. If they don't want to, that's cool too.

As for your second statement, I see it and agree.

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