Have you ever deceived someone to see how they really felt about you?

[katty]

Just when I thought it was time to give my mind a rest it all starts up again, I was finally putting Blaine (the ex) in the back of my mind so that I could function or at least get out of bed, brush my teeth, feed the dogs, etc. I'm not kidding thats how depressed I have been over this crap. Anyways today I was concentrating on my business and a dear old friend called and first thing he ask was "well you and Blaine got hitched yet?" OK here came the tears all over again. I went into the whole deal with him and now he thinks there is something funny about the whole situation. Please can someone help me sort this out? I don't want to sound like an idiot and I hate to be a broken record but none of it makes sense. I am not blaming my friend for making me think this it just makes me think. SO any opinions would be appreciated. Blaine and I live 3 hours away from each other and both have alot of stuff going on. We have been together almost 2 years. A few months ago Blaine and I were closer than ever, Blaine said we needed to start making plans to move in together and get engaged, etc. I was hesitant about the idea b/c last time I started thinking that way he broke up with me. Only to come back a couple of weeks later telling me how sorry he was, etc. that he just got scared." OK I bought that b/c we have both been totally honest from day one about everything. I admitted to Blaine that I had been guilty in the past of doing things that wrecked perfectly good relationships b/c I would get scared of commitment. He totally understood b/c he felt the same way. Now let me jump back to what is so confusing to me now. When Blaine approached the subject about us getting engaged, living together, etc. I told him I couldn't b/c of my dogs and my business, well truth of the matter was I was more afraid of agreeing with him b/c he might freak out again and want to break up. So a few weeks later he calls me up on the phone and says we have to break up b/c he lives there and I live here and I am not willing to move. I didn't want to break up but I also didn't want to beg him to stay if he was wanting to leave. I agreed that it might be best. We still talked every night on the phone and told each other how much we loved each other, etc.. Blaine stopped calling and so I called and left him a message, he didn't call me back. We didn't talk for a month, I was trying to do the No contact , I called him when it would have been approximately 2 months since we broke up and when he answered his phone he said" Hey, we were just talking about you" I said " You were" and he said " Yes, we were, I got engaged." I was heartbroken, I didn't know what to say. Later that night his g/f called me and ask me all kinds of stupid questions starting off with had I been with Blaine the weekend before. OK here is where I am really puzzled and need some honest input from both men and women. My friend thinks that Blaine just told me he was engaged to see my reaction and when he realized he had hurt me he didn't know what to do next. Why would a person lie about getting engaged? Its not like I was calling him a lot or anything, I respected his wishes and had not called at all. so why tell me that he is engaged? My friend said that he had probably taken some lousy advice from his sister (he and his sisters are really close) and told me that he was engaged and then his sister had to pretend to be his g/f checking up on him so that he would have a reason to tell me it didn't work out. WTF this just all sounds so crazy to me however as I had said before the conversation with his new g/f was totally strange, can anyone please tell me if they have ever heard of anyone ever doing such crazy stunts, my friend said that he knew from his past with me that it would be scary to propose b/c there was always that doubt of my accepting so his sister was just checking on how I really felt about Blaine. Maybe I am just totally clueless b/c I can't imagine going to such extremes to find out how a person really feels about you. OK maybe when I was back in 3rd grade. Any feedback would be much appreciated. What makes this so strange is when I was talking to the g/f she was more interested in knowing if I loved Blaine, etc. and when I said something about how he had said we were soulmates, destined to be together, etc. she replied with " I could see him saying that" that really throws me off now b/c wouldn't the new gf say something like "thats what he told me" Oh well just looking for some input. thanks Kat

[ps123]

Just when I thought it was time to give my mind a rest it all starts up again

 

I know exactly what you mean. Thats the mode Ive been in this weekend. I keep doing the "I shouldve done this or that" thing. Funny thing is, I know logically that it wouldnt have changed a thing or that the things Im thinking of are ridiculous, but it doesnt stop it. This has just been a tough weekend I guess. Ive really started to miss her a lot more than I did earlier in the week.

 

It sounds like the last several months of the relationship were really difficult for you. I dont think I couldve handled the back and forth stuff he was doing. The woman I just broke up with was doing some difficult things too. She had lots of trust issues and would purposely do things to test me and try to get me mad to see how I would handle it, or to see if I was going to leave her. Luckily I understood what was going on, or it might have made things even harder for me.

 

As far as him faking an engagement to see where youre at with things...I guess Id have to ask you, what do you think? Do you want it to be true that hes lying about it? What would it change? If it turns out he really is faking it, would you really want to be with someone that would be that deceptive, testing and manulipative? If he came back and told you thats what he was doing and wanted to get back together, would you?

 

Personally, I find it really hard to believe that someone would actually go to that extreme to test you or to see how youd react, but I dont know him or know whats going on with him so I cant say. If it is true, then Id definitely agree thats its gradeschool behavior. Its also incredibly dishonest, manulipative and if hes using it to try to get you to stop contacting him, then its also incredibly cowardly too. If it were me and someone I had been dating did that and was lying about it, I probably wouldnt want to speak to her anymore, and I for sure would never consider dating her again. Thats a pretty severe lie to say to someone, especially when it has the potential to really hurt someone (like yourself). And to answer your question from the subject line of the post, NO, I have never deceived someone to get information or to see how they felt about me. Im a pretty honest, straight forward person and I feel honesty in a relationship is one of the most important things there is.

 

Does your friend really think hed do that? Do you have any idea why shed be putting this idea in your head? Does she want you to get back with him? Im kind of puzzled about the whole thing, but I can relate. My friends have said things like that to me too in the last few weeks. There were a lot of things in my relationship that didnt make sense and my friends have said some things to try to help me figure them out, but unfortunately, like in your situation, all they succeeded in doing was raising more doubts and questions and make me even more confused. Ive also had several people tell me that she will more than likely be wanting me back when she sorts out her issues or she'll realize she passed up a great guy and will come to her senses and want me back. They also think that me not contacting her anymore will make her come back to me. After she ended things, I called a few days later to tell her I understand, etc, and she returned my call way quicker than normal. A lot quicker than she would when we were dating even. I was confused by this and my friends said its because she feels me pulling away and its making her want me back. This makes sense to me and I believe it, but only because I want to believe it and its what I want to hear. In reality, shes the only one who knows why shes doing what shes doing and I have no idea whats really going on with her. I know my friends mean well by saying all these things, but its really not what I need to hear right now and its giving me false hope and keeping me from moving on like I should be.

I agree that a lot of whats going on with the woman hes dating dont make sense and what shes said dont make sense either, but I think its probably best to not over-analyze things and just take them at face value. Its hard, but it will help you to get through this quicker and to move on to a new and more healthy relationship.

 

I think at this point, it would be best to avoid all contact with him and her. I also find it bizarre that she would even call you.

 

Anyways, I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me to clarify any of this if it doesnt make sense.

[katty]

I appreciate your input, I guess it was just nice to think that maybe he was the person I thought he was. He really had me fooled and now it has left me all tore up inside. I know it was crazy to think it but I couldn't understand how he moved on so fast. I am sitting here typing and crying and so mad at myself for not being over him. I know it was just crazy thinking but I dated a guy for 5 years that cheated on me and Blaine was so different from him. I always thought he was a little insecure with our r/s and he was always telling me how he knew he was so fortunate to be dating me b/c he knew how many guys were hitting on me. I never gave him this impression, it just seemed to be that when we were together someone would start trying to flirt with me even though Blaine and I were together. He used to comment to me about how he loved how I would snuggle up close to him when this happened. I guess that is why I felt he was a little insecure with our r/s. I always tried to make him know that he was my top priority. I guess I was just playing dumb huh? I just miss him so much and the pain isn't going away. This is insane.

[ps123]

I guess it was just nice to think that maybe he was the person I thought he was

 

Im a little confused by this. What do you mean?

 

What did he have you fooled about?

 

NO, you were not playing dumb. You were trusting him and having faith in the relationship which is what a relationship is supposed to be about. DONT beat yourself up over this. You didnt do anything wrong by trusting him.

 

I wish I knew what to say to help you though this...if I did, Id be saying it to myself to help me out too.

 

Dont be mad about not being over him yet and dont beat yourself up over this. You have every right to be sad. Two years is a long time. I do know that you will get through this though. Maybe hearing about the other woman was what really made you see where things were at. I dated someone for a while a few years back. We broke up and I was fine for a month and a half, until I heard she was dating someone new. Thats when things really hit me and I really got depressed and started to mourn that things were really done. Maybe thats where youre at.

 

I know you mentioned that you think your friends are sick of hearing about it, but if theyre really close friends, you can tell them where youre at and they should be there to listen. If youre feeling unsure about it, just come out and ask them if theyre sick of it and let them know youre in a bad place and need to talk. For me, I dont use drugs or alcohol (which are never good ideas anyways) so talking is one of the few things that help. I have one very close friend that Im able to share anything with, and he always tells me that as long as I need to talk, hes willing to listen. I guess Im encouraging you to really keep reaching out and talking to people. It helps. Heck, Id be willing to listen if you have yahoo messenger (no, Im not hitting on you ). Talking with people helps me as much as them.

 

Have you ever been in therapy or on meds for depression? Theres no shame in admitting you need help somtimes. If youre really feeling bad, this will probably help.

[katty]

I guess I feel like he had me fooled b/c he never once acted as if he was interested in anyone other than me and boosting his career. We were both working hard on our seperate careers, different towns. I just feel hurt b/c he claimed he thought we needed to break up b/c the distance and my dogs. These are 2 things that can be fixed. I just cant believe he acted as if he was scared of commitment, even though I never brought up getting engaged, living together etc. he did. I told him this when he wanted to break up. I reminded him that he has never gotten any pressure from me about spending more time together, getting engaged or anything. SO his announcement of his engagement came as quite a shock. I didn't even know he was dating anyone. I had told him when we first broke up and were still talking on the phone about a date I went on, and he said he was dating to but not much mostly just partying. I really thought he was just wanting to spend time with the boys, he really likes to drink. Just can't understand and I am afraid that I will never get over him.