bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 So we had a relatively big earthquake where I live recently. I was scared, as were most of the people I was with at the time. My new boyfriend, who would've been with us but had other plans that day, texted about 15mins afterwards to ask if all our gang were okay. I expected...I dunno, a call, or at least something asking how I was. I responded that we were okay, and asked him how he was. No response so far, and that was yesterday. We were also going to hang out this weekend, but I have been rostered onto work, so I let him know; no response. Before this he has been, well, not someone to text a lot but always caring in person and attentive. I feel like the last time we saw each other (Thursday), something was a bit different, we spent the night together but I was feeling unwell and not my usual self so possibly not as enthusiastic in bed as I would be, but people have to understand in that scenario. the next day he was very quiet. Background: dating for 2 months, work together (same organisation, not directly together), we are exclusive, he said he loves spending time with me, it's all been good! But I just...was really disappointed at his response. I expected him to call, and to text back. I suggested we do something before or after my work this weekend if he was keen, and...nothing. I have had doubts about this one all along because we are so different in our interests and lifestyles. I do feel an urge to contact him and ask what's up, but that's just out of fear of losing things. I also feel like cutting him loose, because of this wall of doubt and now feeling like he doesn't care THAT much, or he would have communicated differently yesterday.
rocksteady85 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Maybe he's having phone issues with the earthquake. Relax. We had an earthquake a few hundred miles from us a few years ago, and it screwed up our cell phone services for a bit. 2
madjac74 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 If you have AT&T then you don't even need an earthquake to get sucky service 2
Author bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 No, no one else is..have had calls and texts from people on diff networks.
ja123 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I would feel the same as you: rejected. It hurts and it sucks. I'm sorry that he's behaving this way. For right now, though, I would suggest you don't contact him and let him contact you and see what he says. Listen to what he says. Express how you feel. Then take it from there. 2
rocksteady85 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 HELLO?! It was a NATURAL DISASTER. Maybe he's checking on family? Maybe something got messed up that he had to take care of. Maybe his phone died and he doesn't have power at his house to charge it. Seriously, there's a million and one other things he could be doing as a result of a NATURAL DISASTER other than texting/calling you. RELAX. 1
Mr. Nibbles Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I'm pretty sure he would have figured it out by evening when they list the earthquake casualties on the evening news. Otherwise, you're OK, he's OK. 1
Keenly Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Its a two month relationship. I don't really know what you were expecting.
Author bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 HELLO?! It was a NATURAL DISASTER. Maybe he's checking on family? Maybe something got messed up that he had to take care of. Maybe his phone died and he doesn't have power at his house to charge it. Seriously, there's a million and one other things he could be doing as a result of a NATURAL DISASTER other than texting/calling you. RELAX. No, that's not it.. No deaths and no power out in the area we live at all. His fam is overseas. Life is pretty normal!
Author bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 Its a two month relationship. I don't really know what you were expecting. To ask how I was because we work in one of the city's tallest buildings! And to respond to a change of wkend plans, and me asking how he is. The basics. 1
New User Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 To ask how I was because we work in one of the city's tallest buildings! And to respond to a change of wkend plans, and me asking how he is. The basics. Um... I'm thinking that he would've inferred you were fine and dandy from the exchanged texts and the fact that you didn't include "the building collapsed and my left leg and right arm were crushed" in any of your texts. To me this reads like "I had doubts before and now I ostensibly have a pretext to dump him." Seriously- a natural disaster and you're ticking off items on the ideal boyfriend response checklist? Seems childish and completely unjustified.
hoping2heal Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 No, that's not it.. No deaths and no power out in the area we live at all. His fam is overseas. Life is pretty normal! Then that is probably why he didn't make a big deal about it.
Keenly Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I honestly have no idea what you expected from him. You've been dating right weeks, so what would you have liked? Would you like him to drop everything to call you and ease your shaken nerves? How about if he immediately left and drove to you to give you a hug? I feel like you placed some unrealistic expectation on him on the spur of an EARTHQUAKE. its been 8 weeks, its not like you are married . Cut him some slack for being a human being . 2
Author bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 No, it's the lack of response to my messages too, asking how he was and then requesting to still see each other even though I now have to work. A mix. And feelings! 1
New User Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 this website is crap. Can someone tell me how to delete my profile. I can't get off of it Yeah. Just don't log onto it anymore. It ain't that hard.
darkmoon Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 (edited) you wrote..."I was feeling unwell and not my usual self so possibly not as enthusiastic in bed as I would be, but people have to understand in that scenario"...hard to see this from his point of view, to understand this situation fully, so can you give full details of the scenario? who said/did what? Edited August 17, 2013 by darkmoon
Gottabestrong Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Hi Bolase, I understand how you are feeling. Him not replying to your messages for two days now is a huge red flag. Unless that's the way you guys communicate I would be upset too. If I text my guy and ask him if he wants to hang out in the next days I'd expect a reply within a few hours, unless it is late at night and he might have gone to bed or I know he is out or something. But at the least he'd get back to me before noon the next day, and usually apologize for the late reply. As would I. I think that is just good manners. I do the same when a friend asks me to hang out via text and I take a day to get back to her. However, in the first few weeks of dating we only communicated every 2-4 days or so, though admittedly never when it got to making plans for the next get together. So I guess the question is whether him ignoring your message for such a long time is normal behavior for him or not. Are you sure the earthquake can't have effected him in any major bad way? My advice to you is to wait and not contact him again, but in the meantime start mentally preparing yourself for a possible breakup. Wait to see if and when you hear from him again and what he has to say for himself. Good luck!
Author bolase Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 (edited) Thanks all. I think perhaps I wasn't clear to him in asking him to let me know if he'd like to do something morning or evening (as I will be working). That was not very proactive of me. There is an event on tomorrow morn that I think he'd like, should I ask if wants to check it out? At the risk of being too forward. The thing in bed - I had a stomach ache and I never actually mentioned it to him but just felt like I had to try to get turned on rather than it be natural like it usually is, and I was a bit uncomfy..and lazy, the latter which I apologised for and he didn't mind. But he was quiet the next day and it was as though it was not right. We'd even talked about staying over during the night and he'd said how staying over is half the fun and he really wanted to (after I said that he could leave anytime if he wanted to and didn't have to feel obligated to stay). In the past he had said it was hot, the thought of just coming over late and leaving or me doing hte same, and I'D said that I'd never experienced someone not staying the night. But when I thought about it, I wouldn't mind, so I told him and was surprised at his response. I'll see him at work Monday. Edited August 17, 2013 by bolase
Scrab22 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I honestly have no idea what you expected from him. You've been dating right weeks, so what would you have liked? Would you like him to drop everything to call you and ease your shaken nerves? How about if he immediately left and drove to you to give you a hug? I feel like you placed some unrealistic expectation on him on the spur of an EARTHQUAKE. its been 8 weeks, its not like you are married . Cut him some slack for being a human being . It feels like as if you underestimate the early stages of a relationship. From what you said along this thread, what I concluded is: "Don't give a f*** at the beginning, and then care". I said it irrationally, but it's what I understood. Anyways, you can't desert a beginning just because you have "your own business". A beginning has to have effort, not carelessness nor a low priority.
darkmoon Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Thanks all. I think perhaps I wasn't clear to him in asking him to let me know if he'd like to do something morning or evening (as I will be working). That was not very proactive of me. There is an event on tomorrow morn that I think he'd like, should I ask if wants to check it out? At the risk of being too forward. The thing in bed - I had a stomach ache and I never actually mentioned it to him but just felt like I had to try to get turned on rather than it be natural like it usually is, and I was a bit uncomfy..and lazy, the latter which I apologised for and he didn't mind. But he was quiet the next day and it was as though it was not right. We'd even talked about staying over during the night and he'd said how staying over is half the fun and he really wanted to (after I said that he could leave anytime if he wanted to and didn't have to feel obligated to stay). In the past he had said it was hot, the thought of just coming over late and leaving or me doing hte same, and I'D said that I'd never experienced someone not staying the night. But when I thought about it, I wouldn't mind, so I told him and was surprised at his response. I'll see him at work Monday. now you told me he was not nice about a stomach-ache, I think you should date his boss, serve him right xx
ja123 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 (edited) Thanks all. I think perhaps I wasn't clear to him in asking him to let me know if he'd like to do something morning or evening (as I will be working). That was not very proactive of me. There is an event on tomorrow morn that I think he'd like, should I ask if wants to check it out? At the risk of being too forward. The thing in bed - I had a stomach ache and I never actually mentioned it to him but just felt like I had to try to get turned on rather than it be natural like it usually is, and I was a bit uncomfy..and lazy, the latter which I apologised for and he didn't mind. But he was quiet the next day and it was as though it was not right. We'd even talked about staying over during the night and he'd said how staying over is half the fun and he really wanted to (after I said that he could leave anytime if he wanted to and didn't have to feel obligated to stay). In the past he had said it was hot, the thought of just coming over late and leaving or me doing hte same, and I'D said that I'd never experienced someone not staying the night. But when I thought about it, I wouldn't mind, so I told him and was surprised at his response. I'll see him at work Monday. From what I understand, you didn't mention the stomach ache right away and put pressure on yourself to "perform". Why not just be authentic, and honest" "Hey, I have a stomach ache. Do you have something for that? Maybe we could just cuddle, or relax."? I addition, from what you've described, it sounds like you're more FWBs rather than BF&GF. Has he asked you to be his GF? Introduced you to friends (and maybe family), discussed some future plans (even if it's just a weekend trip) that he'd like to include you in? Do you each share your own individual goals and dreams to see if yours match? Do you share mutual hobbies and do them together? What is your "relationship" with him like? Edited August 18, 2013 by ja123
Author bolase Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 From what I understand, you didn't mention the stomach ache right away and put pressure on yourself to "perform". Why not just be authentic, and honest" "Hey, I have a stomach ache. Do you have something for that? Maybe we could just cuddle, or relax."? Should have! I know. It wasn't awful, but I should have mentioned it. I guess I still wanted to impress him and not just act as though I am up for something if I'm not. I did enjoy myself but felt uncomfortable a bit, was bloated etc... I addition, from what you've described, it sounds like you're more FWBs rather than BF&GF. Has he asked you to be his GF? Introduced you to friends (and maybe family), discussed some future plans (even if it's just a weekend trip) that he'd like to include you in? He was the first to tell me he had turned down a couple of girls who were interested in him and that he just wants to see me and hoped I did too (I happily agreed). We had one long convo where he said he sees himself falling in love with me and wants to see where it leads, so no word of bf/gf, but he's the type who hates the idea of owning another person and I think would be loyal without having to ask me if I'm his gf. He tried to introduce me to his brother and best friend the other day but circumstances meant we couldn't get in where they were. he has told them about me. And asked about my family. He has asked me (about 3 weeks ago) to come away with him for a week - he needs to do research anyway, but wants me to join. I'm unsure and told him potentially, will see closer to the time. Maybe he think's I'm uncertain..but I am, honestly. Do you each share your own individual goals and dreams to see if yours match? We have done yes. We have similar values, politics etc but different goals and dreams. He doesnt think anyone can really improve the world and sometimes I think he is pretty negative. Do you share mutual hobbies and do them together? Completely different hobbies, but we do like movies/bike rides/cooking etc. What is your "relationship" with him like? We see each other at work, it's on the down low so we go for lunch sometimes, but basically just have quiet chats. it's not public yet and no need to tell anyone else at this point. We hang out after work twice a week including sometimes a weekend night. We are both pretty busy with our own stuff the other times.
NomiMalone Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Its a two month relationship. I don't really know what you were expecting. Common courtesy.
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