How do you handle busy schedules and expectations/priorities of making plans?

[Star Gazer]

I'm looking to hear from busy people or those who date busy people: How do you handle busy schedules and expectations, prioritizing, and making plans? Let me explain.

 

I'm a busy person. I typically date guys who are equally busy, if not more so. Being busy doesn't preclude dating, it just requires more planning.

 

I find, more often than not, if I find myself dating someone with a very busy schedule, I try to hold open what few free days I do have for as long as possible in the hopes that plans will come together with him (whoever he is). Eventually, we'll talk about the upcoming weekend (typical date days/nights), and I'll suggest getting together, and he'll say he's already made plans - usually something along the lines of "hanging out with friends" (a BBQ party, watching the Giants at a bar, going to a wine pick-up party [where wine club members pick up wine]). He voluntarily will assure me he's not busy with other dates, just other socializing with friends.

 

I take this as a sign that he's not that all that interested in dating me, as if he were, he would have prioritized seeing me over whatever else he made plans to do. I mean, I'm a busy person, and when I'm dating someone, I find a way to prioritize seeing him over other things, or at the very least, include him in those things I planned to do.

 

Do you think that's a reasonable and realistic expectation and conclusion?

[irc333]

It depends on how you define what busy is I suppose. What is it that's keeping you busy? Are you able to give up some of the things for dating, eventually it may have to come to that.

 

For instance, you might have to give up a karaoke night with the friends (just an example).

 

Though, I've known people to include their dates along with the tasks associated with their schedules so then both parties are happy.

 

I'm looking to hear from busy people or those who date busy people: How do you handle busy schedules and expectations, prioritizing, and making plans? Let me explain.

 

I'm a busy person. I typically date guys who are equally busy, if not more so. Being busy doesn't preclude dating, it just requires more planning.

 

If you are like me, work only 40 hrs a week, I tend to think work wouldn't get in the way though.

 

I find, more often than not, if I find myself dating someone with a very busy schedule, I try to hold open what few free days I do have for as long as possible in the hopes that plans will come together with him (whoever he is). Eventually, we'll talk about the upcoming weekend (typical date days/nights), and I'll suggest getting together, and he'll say he's already made plans - usually something along the lines of "hanging out with friends" (a BBQ party, watching the Giants at a bar, going to a wine pick-up party [where wine club members pick up wine]). He voluntarily will assure me he's not busy with other dates, just other socializing with friends.

 

I take this as a sign that he's not that all that interested in dating me, as if he were, he would have prioritized seeing me over whatever else he made plans to do. I mean, I'm a busy person, and when I'm dating someone, I find a way to prioritize seeing him over other things, or at the very least, include him in those things I planned to do.

 

Do you think that's a reasonable and realistic expectation and conclusion?

[rocksteady85]

I work typically between 1pm and 9pm, sometimes later, and on weekends. My Woman of Interest works 9-5 M-F. What I've found works for us is Friday and Saturday nights since I don't have to be up for work until later. We can catch a late night showing of a movie, hit the bar, and grab a bite at the local 24/7 diner before going home.

 

Yeah, he should be making an effort to see you and make plans together, but at the same time, if he's really busy, then there are other people he wants to see too (not other girls, but his friends). Maybe you just have to plan further in advance. And ask him when a good time for you two to go do something.

[madjac74]

Honestly if I was interested in someone and I was doing things that were strictly socializing with friends such as you said "watching a ballgame" then I would definitely invite her along.

 

Especially when sometimes your only free time is saturday and sunday, it is helpful to find someone who is willing to share time with your family and friends.

[irc333]

he'll say he's already made plans - usually something along the lines of "hanging out with friends" (a BBQ party, watching the Giants at a bar, going to a wine pick-up party [where wine club members pick up wine]).

 

Yeah, friend of mine started dating this woman....she was really into him, but he wasn't all that into her...but his "reasoning" was, "I wasn't just moving at a fast a pace as she was".

 

Apparently, he is a member of this Foreign language group (forget what language)...it's an event he typically attends once a month and is held pretty much in the same town this woman he dates lives in.

 

He brought it up, and she said, "Oh, wouldn't mind joining you"

 

And apparently he had a problem with that, it was usually an event meant exclusively for him and friends of the event....friends he had known for quite some time...and he felt uncomfortable with it.

 

He somehow blew off the idea and changed the subject.

 

She eventually dumped him, and I feel he blew it with her because she was a nice lady.

 

I told him "He wasn't that into her" and he disagree and said, "Well, she was just moving at a faster pace than I usually do".

 

I just find it strange a guy wouldn't give up a date with a cute / lovely lady just to hang out at a bar with other friends.....the least he could do is invite you along if he was interested. Apparently, he's not.

[irc333]

Most men would normally give a routine outing with friends to spend exclusive time with a lady of interest.

[johan]

Date someone several time zones away. Either you're visiting and have temporarily put all your routines on the back burner, or you're at your respective homes and are each sleeping during a large portion of the other's day, making it easy to find time to focus and get things done.

[Star Gazer]

I work typically between 1pm and 9pm, sometimes later, and on weekends. My Woman of Interest works 9-5 M-F. What I've found works for us is Friday and Saturday nights since I don't have to be up for work until later. We can catch a late night showing of a movie, hit the bar, and grab a bite at the local 24/7 diner before going home.

 

Yeah, he should be making an effort to see you and make plans together, but at the same time, if he's really busy, then there are other people he wants to see too (not other girls, but his friends). Maybe you just have to plan further in advance. And ask him when a good time for you two to go do something.

 

Right, and so if her free nights are Friday and Saturday, and those are the two night that would work for you too, if she's making plans on Friday and Saturday with her girlfriends, on the regular (that is, not special occasion events)... wouldn't that tell you she's just not that into you?

[irc333]

Right, and so if her free nights are Friday and Saturday, and those are the two night that would work for you too, if she's making plans on Friday and Saturday with her girlfriends, on the regular (that is, not special occasion events)... wouldn't that tell you she's just not that into you?

 

Right, for instance, I had a woman said she wasn't free on a Saturday because she had yard work to do.

 

I asked, "Um, so, how long should that take you?"

 

And she said, "I'm not sure, it's a pretty big lawn with a lot of weeds to get rid of."

 

That's pretty much the equivalent example to the, "I got plans with the guys on game night at the bar"

 

If he's turning down an opportunity to date you, to hang out with MEN...well...he's either gay or not interested in you. LOL

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think your conclusion is right. It's OK if he can't meet you because he is working that night, or had a long shift and is totally exhausted.

 

But to not meet with you to hang out with friends? That's not cool during the early stages of dating. I would conclude that he is not that into me.

 

I dunno, it's quite easy to tell friends "hey I have a hot date tonight!"

They are even happy for you.

[irc333]

I dunno, it's quite easy to tell friends "hey I have a hot date tonight!"

They are even happy for you.

 

Exactly...I actually have a date that gave up a night out with her friends tomorrow night to go out with me. *shrug* It's not uncommon. ;-)

[Star Gazer]

I think your conclusion is right. It's OK if he can't meet you because he is working that night, or had a long shift and is totally exhausted.

 

But to not meet with you to hang out with friends? That's not cool during the early stages of dating. I would conclude that he is not that into me.

 

I dunno, it's quite easy to tell friends "hey I have a hot date tonight!"

They are even happy for you.

 

One of the responses I got when I balked at him choosing the game at a sports bar over seeing me, was, "Well, how would it look if I blew off my friends for you?"

 

I don't know if he didn't want to appear p*ssy wipped to his friends, or weak to me. My preference would have been for him to prioritize seeing me and to be the one asking to see me, not the other way around, so that he wasn't having to blow anyone off in the first place... or, do what I do, and make tentative friends with plans that can easily be blown off if the hot date with him comes together.

 

Meh.

[Star Gazer]

It depends on how you define what busy is I suppose. What is it that's keeping you busy?

 

I run with my running group two nights during the workweek and on Saturday mornings. One of those nights is negotiable, the other and Saturday morning are absolutely not - they're the one thing I do for me that's really, really important to me. I also do charity work, but that's like only 2 nights a month that are required. In the winter, I'll ski one day a weekend, on average.

 

But, barring the occasional special occasion (a birthday party, a Bachelorette party, a pre-planned event/concert/game involving tickets), all of my plans are pretty flexible and negotiable.

 

I prioritize. I've never been *too busy* for someone I was into; I move things around to find a way to see him. For someone I wasn't into, my plans magically become set in stone.

 

This is helpful.

[madjac74]

One of the responses I got when I balked at him choosing the game at a sports bar over seeing me, was, "Well, how would it look if I blew off my friends for you?"

 

I don't know if he didn't want to appear p*ssy wipped to his friends, or weak to me. My preference would have been for him to prioritize seeing me and to be the one asking to see me, not the other way around, so that he wasn't having to blow anyone off in the first place... or, do what I do, and make tentative friends with plans that can easily be blown off if the hot date with him comes together.

 

Meh.

 

The Giants are far, far in last place and he blows you off for them? Move on!

[Star Gazer]

The Giants are far, far in last place and he blows you off for them? Move on!

 

Yeah, sometimes I just need a reminder!

 

It's far too easy to believe the "busy" or "I made other plans, whops!" excuses when I'm so attracted to someone.

[madjac74]

Oh and I wasn't trying to minimize your situation just because the Giants suck. I totally would understand if his team was midst a playoff chase to prioritize going to watch the game. But I would also invite you along to watch the game

[ffw]

I think your conclusion is right. It's OK if he can't meet you because he is working that night, or had a long shift and is totally exhausted.

 

But to not meet with you to hang out with friends? That's not cool during the early stages of dating. I would conclude that he is not that into me.

 

I dunno, it's quite easy to tell friends "hey I have a hot date tonight!"

They are even happy for you.

 

I second this opinion. I guess if one has a busy schedule then more communication, in general, is needed. Communication would allow most people to become calm & patient.

[rocksteady85]

Right, and so if her free nights are Friday and Saturday, and those are the two night that would work for you too, if she's making plans on Friday and Saturday with her girlfriends, on the regular (that is, not special occasion events)... wouldn't that tell you she's just not that into you?

 

Well she can make other plans Friday and Saturday without me with her girlfriends. I don't have to occupy ALL her Friday and Saturday nights. I'll have off during the week, and she gets home earlier than I do when I work, so we have chances to hang out on a week night too on my days off.

[rocksteady85]

Yeah, sometimes I just need a reminder!

 

It's far too easy to believe the "busy" or "I made other plans, whops!" excuses when I'm so attracted to someone.

 

If I made other plans though, I wouldn't break them for her, unless it something special like a company party, or anniversary or something. And if she already has plans before I can ask her out on a date, I'm not mad or anything. I realize she's her own woman, and she's not sitting around waiting for me to ask her to do something on the weekend, being all "Oh, well I'm not sure if J and I have plans... so I'll let you know." No, she'd be like "Yeah, girls, I don't have plans this weekend." And then we make plans for the next weekend instead.

[PlumPrincess]

II prioritize. I've never been *too busy* for someone I was into; I move things around to find a way to see him. For someone I wasn't into, my plans magically become set in stone.

But would you change a plan with a girl friend, just because he showed up? I mean, I do understand exceptions, for example, when it's in the beginning and she has been hoping that he would ask her out and then he does and she is all giddy and excited to see him again. But if that was someone she had been seeing for a while, I'd be slightly offended, because she is prioritizing a guy in her life who is obviously not prioritizing her otherwise he would have called her sooner to make plans with her. And who knows how long he will stick around.

[KathyM]

My sister dated a guy like this a couple of years ago, and it was a dealbreaker for her. He didn't give her the priority he should have, and seemed to be trying to squeeze time with her into his busy social life, rather than making her a priority for him. Needless to say, she dumped this guy, and started dating men who made dating her a priority. Although it's certainly good the man has a social life, he still needs to make his dating relationship a priority. My sister felt like she wasn't important enough to him, and although he tried to assure her he was interested, his actions showed where his priorities were, and that was probably why the guy never married by the time he was middle aged. He didn't know how to make women the priority in his life. It was kind of a shame because the guy was so nice in every other way, and such a good match in other ways, and she really would have liked to make it work, but he usually had other plans and tried to squeeze her into his busy life in between his planned events rather than prioritizing spending time with her. She didn't want to be a small part of his life. She wanted to be an important, primary part of his life. She ended up marrying a guy who is also a great match for her but gave her a place of priority in his life. So it ended well for her, but I suspect the other guy is still single and can't keep a woman interested for long since he doesn't make dating and the women he dates a priority.

[KathyM]

are you a friend of flavius josephus?

Don't you have something better to do?

[KathyM]

i spend most of my days and nights watching cartoon network.

Oh. Well that explains a lot. lol.

[sillyanswer]

I take this as a sign that he's not that all that interested in dating me, as if he were, he would have prioritized seeing me over whatever else he made plans to do. I mean, I'm a busy person, and when I'm dating someone, I find a way to prioritize seeing him over other things, or at the very least, include him in those things I planned to do.

 

Do you think that's a reasonable and realistic expectation and conclusion?

 

If it's early dating then some of my social calendar for the next couple of months may have been booked before having met the latest girl, and it feels to me like I'm letting friends down if I change my mind about meeting them at short notice. If I'm not ready to introduce her to my friends then I'm probably not going to invite her along or change pre-agreed plans.

 

I know that being on the receiving end of the same behaviour can make me feel that she's not interested, but I don't think it's reasonable or realistic for me to keep my saturdays (or whenever) free by turning down invitations from friends just in case by the time saturday comes I've got a girl I want to take out.

 

I'm sure I've lost out on the possibility of some great dates by having a social life outside dating, but until I'm at least getting close to being in a relationship with someone then friends really are a priority over someone I've just met.

 

Later into dating, and in a relationship, certainly there should be more joint planning of free time or at least trying to accommodate each other's schedules, but hopefully by that point there's also no question of whether there's "interest" or not.

[tbf]

Do you think that's a reasonable and realistic expectation and conclusion?

Another way to look at it is that even if someone has valid reasons, if they consistently aren't amenable to flexing to get together, a relationship would be very difficult with someone like this who puts themselves first at any cost or are so rigid that every discussion of needs becomes a war zone.