am I the crazy one?

[gkfluffs]

Hello Folks, I am new to this forum.

 

My wife and I have been married for two years now. But at this point, to me, it feels like we have been married for 20 years… We are young individuals both in our late twenties.

 

I feel like my wife is never satisfied and always looks for something bad to concentrate on in our marriage.

 

I feel like I am on a mine field all the time.

 

I hear her talking about other couples all the time and how men behave in those couples: how they look at their spouses, girlfriends, how they talk to them, how romantic they are and etc… basically she tries to tell me, look at how you should treat me. But for some reason I fail to see what she sees. Sure I don’t dedicate poetry to her neither songs but she always knew from the beginning that I am not that type of a man. I do take her out a couple of times a week to a restaurants and different events, I try to spend a lot of time with her and talk to her. Yes I am not super romantic, but I do make surprises for her, not very often but once in a couple of month definitely, for example taking her out for concert of a performer that she likes or buying some not expensive jewelry. I try to be talkative and I try to flirt with her, tough again I am not good at flirting and I never was.

 

She always complains that I work too much at home and don’t spend enough time with her. At one point I thought that maybe she is right and maybe I do work a lot, but I found that this is not true once I started clocking the time I work and the time we spend together (yeah I actually did… )

 

And I really have to watch for whatever I say or whatever I do. For example a week ago, I landed my parents the camera that I bought her as present a couple of years ago. #1 she does not use that camera at all, it just sits there in the drawer, #2 we already landed it before to my parents and our friends a lot of times… #3 and It became sort of a family thing that you just take whenever you need it. Apparently I was wrong to assume that. Now I admit, I was wrong that I did not tell her a couple of days prior that I was planning to lend it to my parents for a day, I just sort of told her when I took it. It resulted in a very nasty sh*t storm… and me sleeping on the couch for a couple of days. According to her I do not respect her and do not listen to her, and that I do things like this intentionally to show her that her voice is nothing in this house.

 

There is tons of other things. To sum it up, it really feels to me that she tries convince me how bad of a husband I am…

 

Now I am pretty sure I do the following things:

1) I plan all our going out events.

2) I try to be handy around the house (though I am not very good at it).

3) I never refuse to help with whatever she is doing. Of course sometimes she needs to ask.

4) I try to be touchy filly with her…

5) I do talk to her. Which in a lot of the cases ends up in a convo of how “I am not this or that” and that “I must do this or that”

6) I don’t think that I am cold.

7) I never put her down in front of anyone (I can’t tell that about her though).

8) I tend to always advise with her on expensive things that I buy or going to do.

9) I pay all of the bills.

10) I am the only person that works. And she never has to worry about anything financially.

 

I tried to talk to her many times about how I feel, but it was fruitless. I really felt for a long time that maybe I am in the wrong and somehow unfit for a normal relationships, but after scrutinized thinking and analyzing I don’t think that the problem is in me.

 

What do you think? Am I abused emotionally? Or I am crazy????

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I hope you are seriously asking for help here because I am giving you a serious answer.

 

Go get the book "the five love languages" it's an easy read...you take a test, she takes a test.

 

You are showing love, but it's not the way she shows love and vice versa.

 

Seriously, you can download it to your ereader. Cheap.

 

You guys need to learn to talk better. But start with the above.

 

Try it, what can it hurt.

[2sure]

Definitely a good book! Not just for couples either, we divorced but it opened my eyes to effective communication in all of my relationships.

 

Your wife should read it. She isn't giving you what you want either!

[2sure]

Loaning out an used camera left you on the couch for 2 days?

It wasn't her car.

 

I'm sure argument led to many other issues ...but communication may be your problem. Not yours specifically, but between you.

 

Are you compromising? Are you telling her what you want from her?

[gkfluffs]

Loaning out an used camera left you on the couch for 2 days?

It wasn't her car.

 

I'm sure argument led to many other issues ...but communication may be your problem. Not yours specifically, but between you.

 

Are you compromising? Are you telling her what you want from her?

 

Yes I do tell her, what I want. And I always try to compromise. But it feels like the more I compromise and try to communicate with her, the more she raises the bar.

 

 

 

Also when I do make mistakes like the one with camera, she finds her way to revenge. For example, she can verbally bash me in front of our friends for something. When I ask her why you would do this, she says well you deserve that for this and that.

I don’t think that this is normal, especially when I feel like we squashed the beef long ago.

[gkfluffs]

I hope you are seriously asking for help here because I am giving you a serious answer.

 

Go get the book "the five love languages" it's an easy read...you take a test, she takes a test.

 

You are showing love, but it's not the way she shows love and vice versa.

 

Seriously, you can download it to your ereader. Cheap.

 

You guys need to learn to talk better. But start with the above.

 

Try it, what can it hurt.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, just got this book on my Kindle.

[gkfluffs]

I have also read "object of my affection is in my reflection" and I am starting to suspect, maybe I am married to a narcissist. I really hope not.

[Keenly]

Sounds like this woman walks all over you. I'm failing to see where she fulfills the role of wife and not supreme ruler of the universe.

[gkfluffs]

Sounds like this woman walks all over you. I'm failing to see where she fulfills the role of wife and not supreme ruler of the universe.

 

Well she keeps the house clean, she cooks great, she can be loving and caring, but again on a good day...

 

But I feel exactly what you said. I do communicate to her how I feel though, and it seems to be useless.

[Keenly]

Well she keeps the house clean, she cooks great, she can be loving and caring, but again on a good day...

 

But I feel exactly what you said. I do communicate to her how I feel though, and it seems to be useless.

 

She sounds more like a prison guard than a wife.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes I do tell her, what I want. And I always try to compromise. But it feels like the more I compromise and try to communicate with her, the more she raises the bar.

 

 

 

Also when I do make mistakes like the one with camera, she finds her way to revenge. For example, she can verbally bash me in front of our friends for something. When I ask her why you would do this, she says well you deserve that for this and that.

I don’t think that this is normal, especially when I feel like we squashed the beef long ago.

 

gkfluffs:

 

The book I recommended explains how people look at showing love different ways. So you may show love by doing things, but she SEES love in a different way. So neither of you are seeing the love or getting the love you need. A lot of underlying tension stems from that.

 

For example the husband who works hard to support the family, may think he is showing love, but if the wife feels love through spending time together she's not feeling loved. Make sense? The book explains it better.

 

If you both read it, take the test and talk about it, hopefully that is one step.

 

But I do have to say that her picking at you in front of others is a really destructive way to express her anger. You should tell her, it's one thing to have an argument alone, it's an altogether different thing to do it in front of others. It's demeaning and rude.

 

You can have an expectation she stop doing that. This is what I did.

 

My husband used to do that to me. I told him that if he chose to do it then I would not tolerate it. Now, no matter who is there or where we are, if he does it, I give him one "look" and he almost always stops. If he doesn't I get up and leave. By myself. It's very embarrassing to him. I only had to do it once, I set my boundary, and I stick to it. I will not allow someone to disrespect me.

 

He can be as mad as he wants, and talk to me about it, but not in front of others. That is my boundary.

 

Anyway, working on the first item. Set and communicate your boundaries and consequences. Hopefully it will help.

 

Oh, and I have been married 30 years, if that matters to you.

[gkfluffs]

gkfluffs:

 

The book I recommended explains how people look at showing love different ways. So you may show love by doing things, but she SEES love in a different way. So neither of you are seeing the love or getting the love you need. A lot of underlying tension stems from that.

 

For example the husband who works hard to support the family, may think he is showing love, but if the wife feels love through spending time together she's not feeling loved. Make sense? The book explains it better.

 

If you both read it, take the test and talk about it, hopefully that is one step.

 

But I do have to say that her picking at you in front of others is a really destructive way to express her anger. You should tell her, it's one thing to have an argument alone, it's an altogether different thing to do it in front of others. It's demeaning and rude.

 

You can have an expectation she stop doing that. This is what I did.

 

My husband used to do that to me. I told him that if he chose to do it then I would not tolerate it. Now, no matter who is there or where we are, if he does it, I give him one "look" and he almost always stops. If he doesn't I get up and leave. By myself. It's very embarrassing to him. I only had to do it once, I set my boundary, and I stick to it. I will not allow someone to disrespect me.

 

He can be as mad as he wants, and talk to me about it, but not in front of others. That is my boundary.

 

Anyway, working on the first item. Set and communicate your boundaries and consequences. Hopefully it will help.

 

Oh, and I have been married 30 years, if that matters to you.

 

I am reading this book right now. Really good read, thanks for the recommendation.

 

And will ask her to read it as well.

[pteromom]

It is never okay to put you down in front of others, no matter what she feels you "deserve". You should treat each other with respect... this means you ask her before you loan out her camera, and she agrees not to put you down in front of others - or at all! Name calling and insulting doesn't solve problems - it just creates more of them.

 

As far as whether it is you or her, look at your other relationships. How do you get along with your family and friends and coworkers? Do you tend to have issues with people, or is it just her?

 

And what about her? Does she have harmonious relationships, or does she always seem to have drama in her relationships, or friends/family she feels she must cut out of her life? If so, it's her.

[gkfluffs]

As far as whether it is you or her, look at your other relationships. How do you get along with your family and friends and coworkers? Do you tend to have issues with people, or is it just her?

 

Good point.

 

I never had any serious issues with my parents, siblings or freinds that would make me feel like I need to cut them out of my life. And I don't remeber anyone cutting me out...

 

And what about her? Does she have harmonious relationships, or does she always seem to have drama in her relationships, or friends/family she feels she must cut out of her life? If so, it's her.

 

I am afraid that she needs to cut people out of her life sometimes. She did cut out some of our friends and I had to cut them out as well, because I felt like I needed to keep her happy. Even though the reason was not that significant in my opinion.

[pteromom]

Good point.

 

I never had any serious issues with my parents, siblings or freinds that would make me feel like I need to cut them out of my life. And I don't remeber anyone cutting me out...

 

I am afraid that she needs to cut people out of her life sometimes. She did cut out some of our friends and I had to cut them out as well, because I felt like I needed to keep her happy. Even though the reason was not that significant in my opinion.

 

That answers the question then. It's not you. SHE'S the crazy one here.

[Thegameoflife]

There is a good chance she's just a b!+<h.

[janedoe67]

I echo reading the 5 Love Languages. Also a good book is No More Mr. Nice Guy. Believe it or not, most women - even and sometimes especially the demanding ones - really DON'T want a man they can order around.

 

I would guard against reading books about disorders and trying to make some armchair diagnosis of Narcissism or anything else. Everyone who is unhappy with or has been betrayed by a spouse for some reason "needs" that spouse to have some sickness. I get it, but unless a real doctor spends time with that person and officially diagnoses them, the armchair reactive stuff just muddies the water and makes things worse.