Am I on the right track?

[JimRiley]

I've posted how before I felt that my most recent break up (as of about a month ago now) was the result of GIGS (she claimed to no longer love me any more despite having no major setbacks or fights or issues except one particular incident). I took some advice and applied it to myself as I read countless stories of what I thought I should and should t do. After the first week of the break up, I began practicing No Contact. I was working a lot more and therefore I had an excuse to not obsess on my phone because I didn't have the time. My ex began to text me a few days after all of this asking how I was. I delayed a response but caved in and responded. A light conversation, things felt ok. Some mutual understanding here I guess.

 

A few more days go by and she texts me again and more often during the day. She talks to me like how we used to be and updates me with her friends and family and sends me pictures and such just as before. Small talk stuff like that. This happens for roughly three days consecutively. It's now about two and a half weeks into our breakup. I get a text one night of her telling me she can't sleep. I suggest she has a lot on her mind and that she can talk to me about it; I'm showing I'm there for her. She agrees but withholds claiming its about me. She then says that she's still in love with me and doesn't know what to do. This was like the words I wanted to hear. So I told her I haven't stopped loving her and she responds saying she hasn't either and I said I wanted to see her and I miss her and she says she wants to see me real bad and misses me too. So I suggest coming to see her on pre deployment leave for a few days, not really knowing what my plan would be yet. It seemed like hope! So a couple more days go by, we talk occasionally in this time. It's light and friendly and seems hopeful. She brings up randomly different songs she can no longer listen to because it reminds her too much. She even says she still sleeps with the teddy bear I gave her for her birthday. It was touching. But the next night she calls me late at night drunk. I wasn't too impressed but she was drunk driving and I told her that was stupid. I then aske why she called me. She said she wanted to talk to someone while she was driving home so late. I then brought up the dates we'd see each other again because I really had nothing to converse about because she was drunk. For some reason I thought that'd be the best decision. She responded with complete hesitation and acted like it wasn't a big deal (keep in mind just a few days prior what we had talked about) and I "could if I wanted". I got peeved but then she started getting a little rude and we argued a bit. It ended pretty dumb. She luckily stopped going on because she didnt want to say something further stupid.

 

So the next day, I made the big decision to just go no contact for a while. It was clear to me that we had to work things out for ourselves as she was being wishy-washy and I was getting too hopeful. I sent her a text telling her I think we need some time of just not talking to each other for a while. A week or two. I made it clear I'd talk to her before I deploy again, for sure. But in the mean time I needed time to heal. She does too whether she'll admit it or not. I know she still thinks of me and she's confused I'm sure. I left the message with her and the next morning she texted me back with this:

 

"All I have to say about the other night is I'm sorry for even calling you when I was drunk and the **** I said wasn't true. I was drunk so you shouldn't even took what I said seriously. But the point of the matter is is that we're friends [MY NAME] and I don't think it'll be a good idea if you came down to see me. We broke up for a reason not to fix it. I'm sorry you're still heartbroken over this still but it is what it is and nobody can do or say anything to change that. I hope you find someone that will make you SO happy in life. I wish you best of luck on your deployment. You know you can always email me if you need a box, don't sweat it because you know I'll ship you one. You're an amazing person [MY NAME] and I'm sorry for putting you through this, you can text me or call me whenever you need me."

 

That was it. I sent a reply later that day explaining how i still love her and will but I now understand her decision and accept it as it is. no more fighting on t part because i might push her away. And we've been No Contact since. This was 2 weeks ago as of this week. Considering the insight leading up to this point, am I doing the right thing? I want to reconcile one day but Im moving forward at the same time and I don't want to cancel her out of my life all together because she told me she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to even act like strangers. Yet, I don't know if I'm making the right choice after all I've said so far. Is there still hope from the sounds of it all? I'm trying not to pine of course and I've already met a few other people and I'm trying to casually date a little just to move on and try not to get hung up. It's still a little hard. Should I make the next step now and check in? Its been two weeks and ive honestly felt so much better now and i want to maintaining a friendship of course. but whats the rush? The ball is in her court now anyway but technically i asked for no contact, its my terms in this case. i do t know. We've ended on pretty good terms and it wasn't a nasty break up by any means (sucked for me but I'm trying to be the gentleman of course).

 

What should I do? Have I been making the right choices? I'm going to most likely just keep up the No Contact until she makes a move but it feels like its different because I asked for the NC. I don't know. I just need assurance right now that as it stands I'm doing the right thing if I feel like we can reconcile. I KNOW we won't reconcile any time soon though and it may be years down the road to be honest (aka when I'm finally out of the service) before we'd have te chance to properly reboot and experience each other (I wouldn't have to leave her so often because I'm in the military). But I don't know if I should fill the gap with silence or attempt to build a friendship as a foundation for our future. She'll never forget me as I'm her second only long term boyfriend after she got out of an abusive 3 year relationship 1 1/2 years prior to meeting me and we had a good 7 months and her whole family was so happy and loved me and everyone was hopeful for our futures together. Thus why I believe a combination of her being worried about what Im doing as I'm away all the time (guess she wasn't really ready for that responsibility afterall) and that was compounded by a single incident that really wasn't bad but she got all depressed over it for a while without telling me and that's probably the killing blow to convince her that this GIGS thing is what she needs to do.

 

Anyway, rambling aside, what should be my next steps? I need guidance before I do anything.

[templeofmax]

So what happens if you find out she started seeing someone else? You cannot be friends while still having feelings, although long distance may work, if she also has the same expectations. Of course you will contact her by the sound of things, but you have to decide, either you move on (NC) or get stuck with a LD friendship while you still have feelings. You may not meet somebody else while in service, but she might.

[JimRiley]

Honestly, there's nothing I can do about her meeting someone else. However, she was with her ex (prior to me) for three years as she went through highschool (she's 21 now and Im 22). She was going to "marry" this ex but he was extremely controlling of her and who she hung out with, how she had her hair done...even the types of clothes she wore had to be controlled because he was a jealous and semi-abusive guy. It took her a while to see it before she ended it. A year and a half later, after her own casual dating with guys who turned out to be more interested in sex than a relationship, she finally met me. And I swooped her clean off her feet and although distance was a huge factor, we talked about it before even being together and she said she believed she was ready to take on that military lifestyle. 7 months together and she decided to call it a quits because, as she says, I did absolutely nothing wrong but she "feels" she had to do this. She can't explain why but she believes this is the right step for her because she wants to be single and not date anyone for a "long long" time.

 

A lot can be taken with a grain of salt because that's all heat of the moment talk anyway so if she rebounds I can only say I can't be surprised because there's an interesting trend in ex-girlfriends that seem to happen naturally as we are only human. Rebounds, saying to be friends because it makes THEM feel better, etc. it happens all the time in break ups. I can only assume that she is going through her GIGS and that she is confused with where she wants to be in life. Afterall, we fell pretty far head over heels for one another shortly after she got out of such a controlling relationship prior to me. Plus, she turned 21 and I think she I'm only in a unique scenario because I'm in the military so I have no real choice but to be distant anyway by the nature of my job.

 

So I'm just really wondering if I'm doing the right thing by telling her we should not talk to each other for a while. I truly want to keep her in my life and I believe in a second chance but I want to build up a foundation first. This break up should be positive really. We are both young and im engaged with a job that demands my time away from her. A fresh start might be best but not by going complete stranger on her, right? So although I initiated NC about three weeks after the break up and considering what she last texte me before putting it into effect, is it on me now to contact her if I felt ready? Because I'm going NC at least for 60 days an after that I'm not sure where I should go from there. We didn't have a bad break up by any means...

[templeofmax]

NC is best, even though you are friendly. The problem with keeping some contact is that if she finds somebody else she will tell you and you will be heartbroken while in service. However, the problem with NC is that she may think you don't care anymore and she may be in fact waiting. I would guess that is a dangerous thing. Maybe go no contact 2 weeks or so and catch up with her to see how are things going. Sort of 'feel it out'. Its a difficult situation indeed. You are both still young, cause if you were a bit older, you could had married her before going to service .