Evanescence Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 My boyfriend of 5.5 years broke up with me last February. We've been talking on the phone at least once a month. After a few months I got better and I was ok with talking to him. Didn't mind hearing about his new gf. I found myself a new bf, and everything was just going great. In July, my ex called me for what seemed to be a normal "friendly" conversation. Then he brought up us getting back together. Asked me if i hypothetically would. Went on to say that he's been thinking about me so much, and there must be a reason for it. I told him that i just don't think I could. But that got me thinking. I started to really wonder. He seemed like he was thinking about us getting back together, and would I really turn it down if he actually said the words? He and I met after not seeing each other for 6 months. A huge mistake. I poured my heart out to him about how much he hurt me, and he told me how he felt as well. He started planning when we'd have our kids, and how we'd buy our house, etc. It seemed so clear that he wanted to be back with me. But then he had this gf.... that he seemed to really like... Anyway, for the last 2 months my current bf and I have been really rocky... breaking up and getting back together, etc. Half of it is because I realized I still have feelings for my ex... and i told my bf that... said i was sorry, but i thought he should know. Also, I realized that if I ever want to have a normal relationship... I have to be able to let my ex go. In order to do that, I feel like I just can't talk to him anymore. I can't be friends with him right now. It reminds me too much of how good we were together. So I told him last night that I can't be friends anymore. In the conversation I also found out that he never really wanted to get back with me when he said all that stuff a few months ago... it was just how he was feeling at the moment. So bascially i was stringed along... all this time thinking we still had a chance, but we didn't. Now it feels like we broke up all over again.... i feel absolutely horrible....and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Its just been going on for too long and i feel like i will never get over it. I'm still seeing a counsellor and everything, but i just can't seem to move on. i feel so weak... and i thought i was stronger than this. Any suggestions or advice? Thanks.
treeisme Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 So sorry to hear that you have been dealt this hand... Believe it or not, you will be a stronger person because of this. The best advise I can give you is to walk away from both of them and start anew. Easier said than done. Try starting something new, pick up a new hobby and make new friends. Think about the message he is sending you. On and off again love is not true and pure. Good luck girl and stay positive!
tokyo Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 First of all - even if I risk to sound like a smart ass - you shouldn´t have listened to your ex-boyfriend when he started talking about you getting together again when he was still with his current girlfriend, now that definitely looks like someone who lacks the guts to make a clear cut and start the relationship again with you. I personally don´t like it when people try to secure the next partner before they break up with their current significant other. Break up and take the risk to get rejected by the one you want, but it´s absolutely not acceptable to play this game with you AND his girlfriend. I think too many people don´t want to risk it and prefer the safer method, but for me this indicates a very selfish character. Remember what the reasons were for the break-up and that he strung you along and then tell yourself you deserve better. He´s happy with his new girlfriend, so don´t let him mess up your life. Would you seriously take him back? Do you think you can find some excuse for his behavior? I actually can´t, but it´s up to you. If he loved you he would come back, but he doesn´t. Unless you think he was the perfect man, your soulmate you should move on. I hope that doesn´t sound too harsh, actually I also have problems to let go and I´ve been told the same, over and over. It´s such a long time ago and even though it wasn´t a long relationship it still hurts, but what can you do.... I can only tell you in my opinion his behavior is selfish and not acceptable, that doesn´t look like a good person. Maybe that will help you to move on. Good luck
Author Evanescence Posted November 8, 2004 Author Posted November 8, 2004 Thanks I know I shouldn't have listened to it, but it was SO hard not to. He's sick.. seriously... I think about everything, and well, when you talk to him, he seems like such a nice guy, but I now realize he is completely all over the place. I hate when people do that as well. If you don't want to be with the person you are with, then you should break up with them before you move on to the next, but whatever. As for me and my bf... I have just been so confused through this entire thing. My ex was my first EVERYTHING... so I'm still really confused as to how to handle any relationship besides the one I had with my ex. I did think he was my soulmate.. that's why it is so hard to let him go. But I also believe that what is meant to happen will happen. I'm just so scared that I won't have the same connection with anyone else that I did with him. I just feel like we were so perfect for each other. He keeps trying to give me advice as to how to live my life right now.. but he has no idea what I'm going through and how much he's ruined my life. Its so frustrating to hear him tell ME how to live my life when he just has no clue. Thanks for the advice.
tokyo Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 I completely understand you.... In a way I believe you shouldn´t let someone down and try to help them, but rationally I think that everbody needs to have some responsibility for his own life. If they don´t want to come back, they don´t want to. My problem is that I feel guilt, I´ve been nasty sometimes and this makes me believe that it´s my fault, but it´s probably not. It´s so hard to let go, but I guess, when they are happy, it means they don´t want to go back, no matter how nice we thought it was between them and us. If this had happened to a friend I´d tell her to leave and not waste her time. When I´m in the situation I have trouble to follow my own advice and I want to believe there´s an exception, but it just doesn´t seem to work out. You can decide to follow your heart and believe that he will finally wake up with the big big risk that he won´t, considering his character I´m not sure, or try to find someone else to love. In the end, there are probably many other people out there who would deserve that you love them, not only your boyfriend and they would love you back. I guess, I´m only telling you what many other people have told you already and it´s the same stuff that I hear all the time, but it´s probably true. I find your boyfriend to be quite selfish and I think egoism is something really hard to overcome. He´ll not come back soon. And you can decide if you want to wait and accept that he is happy without you, hoping that one day he will come back or you try to find your own happiness. And if he came back, it´s still another question if you could accept that you had waited for him, while he was out there looking for himself..... Anyway, I´m still kind of convinced that nice girls get nice guys and if you are open you will find some nice guys. I had decided I didn´t want to see anybody, but I think it´s a mistake, they have moved on, a long long time before us. They have been and are with other women, I think if this is your soulmate he messed it up completely. If he´s the one for you he´ll find a way back. Meanwhile, try to be happy however that may be.
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