Author kayjay85 Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 well done for going 2 months no contact. Either way something good is going to come from this we will have enough time to get over it and grow ourselves and maybe who knows the ex might come back. never say never x
Author kayjay85 Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 how would you all feel about knowing who you ex is dating? well i dont know her personally but seen she was commenting alot on my exes twitter so i just kept my eye on her untill that dreaded tweat where she sad the had a lovely night bowlling and food.x so i know what she looks like and im looking at her age now not just my exes. he doesnt know though x
Kimmie80 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Templeofmax, no, my 15 year relationship because he cheated on me back 2009 when I was pregnant with our daughter. Things have never been the same sine, no matter how hard we tried.
Kimmie80 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 kayjay, I dont think I would ever want to know what he is up to. It would break my heart. With my already having self-esteem issues, it would tear me apart. The constant thought of me not being good enough and that she is much better. The thought of it makes my stomach turn. However, sometimes you have to be with someone else in order to realize what you had. My ex had an affair back in 2009 while I was pregnant with our 3rd child. He used the excuse the had become lazy, I didnt love him and blah blah blah. I was very sick from being pregnant and my emotions were all out of wack. He went off for 4/5 months and came running back. He claimed that it was the biggest mistake ever and that it was a wake up call for what he really had. Who knows what actually went down between the two of them. All I know is that it took another girl for him to realize. I think in your case its rebound. As hard as it is, try not to think about 'her' anymore or what he is doing. If I were you, I would block him from all your social media stuff and contacts and just move forward. He knows where you are and how he can get a hold of you, should he realize what he had all along. Thats the thought I am going with. The more we chase them the more they run. Its time for us to stop, pick up all our pieces off the ground and start rebuilding ourselves. I truly believe in the saying, "If you love something set it free, if it comes back its meant to be". Hang in there.
Author kayjay85 Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 y boyfriend compared what i done to cheating. I said the only time i would leave him was if he cheated and he said mine was worse. The fact i became depressed and hid things from him how can he compare that to cheating. I really do think im starting to have enough now. the more i read peoples threads and what they go through I caused a lot of pain and me doing all this is causing me more pain. im going to delete my twitter ive deactivated facebook and really really try no contact. and if he doesnt come back to me then his loss. i think ive had enough now x I hope we can all stay strong and think about this, you know when you loose something and cant find it and you say to yourself ill find it one day when im not looking. Well that might just happen one day when we forget our ex might just pop back up. and if not you always have this forum ha x
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Today i called my ex. weve been split up seven weeks but 4 weeks we went through a rough time together crying laughing reminicing all that. that last 3 weeks we were meeting up to have sex. now this week he has started dating. I have only tried to enforce the no contact this week and have failed by contacting him twice. I got so upset when i heard he had taken someone out on a date. He told me it wasnt a date she was an old friend who had just plit up with her boyfriend and it was just food and bowling. I find out today that they went out last night drinking and he stayed at her house. I was so upset so i called him and said i am really upset that youve started dating and he said yes he understand he would be upset if i started dating too. they were lots of arkward silence in the call and just everything about the conversation made me feel like i didnt know him any more. His voice wasnt the same he wasnt the warm caring person i knew basically no interest i put the phone down very confused thinking this just dont know this man anymore. Or more to the point i think i know deep down inside he just doesnt care anymore. After 4 years having that conversation was like calling up a random number and talking to someone there was just no connection between us in that call. Ive said it before but im sticking to it today. No more contact as its just bringing me down too much. I am absolutely getting know where. i know deep down he is over me and i just have to except it as hard as it is.
anna121 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 kayjay85 I am really sorry you are going through this. I'm trying to say this as gently as possible but...you really did not treat your boyfriend very well. He is extremely upset and, yes, feeling very betrayed. It would be very hard for him to trust you again. I think NC is absolutely the best thing for you. This all happened very recently and while you say that you are getting treatment for the addiction, it's a long process and can't be helped by all this stress. You have to try to put all the focus on YOU, and making sure nothing like this ever happens to you again.
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 i know but you just think someone will always be by your side i know ive hurt him and that hurts me more than anything. Making my ex sad and upset is the last thing i ever wanted. i am trying to get through this as there is only one way now. He has moved on and i have to too.
JDPT Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I can only imagine the feeling. I found out my ex went on a trip for her birthday and that for some reason bother. I started asking myself, where did she? what did she do? did she have sex with anyone on this trip? Then I think that if I would have never heard about her trip none of those questions would have arise. Hence why it's always better to have absolute NC. NC designed to guard you and no one else. It works in your favor, you starve love and eventually put the fire out, that's how you essentially move forward with your life. The process is excruciating trust me I know but in time all this pain will eventually make sense. 2
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 I could kick myself for being so nosy and snooping around. The less i know the easier it will be. I am still trying to adjust to not having him here any more. I am not as upset about the split as i am about the circumstances and the fact i hurt him so much. To hear my ex saying he is very upset and he cries and is depressed cuts through me i just want to hug him so tight. My ex started going out a lot a drinking a lot after the split and im worried hes not getting through this but over it by blocking it all out. My ex is now dating and i feel like there is no way back for me not as a girlfriend but even as someone to talk to i keep telling him to talk to his friends or his dad but he says hes ok when i know hes not.
JDPT Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I think the issue here is that you are too concern with how he is coping with this and how he is feeling. Keep in mind that you are no longer in a position where you can worry about him any longer, he is a big boy and he will figure things out his own way, but if you ask me he is going at this the wrong way by drinking and dating so prematurely. I'll tell you what occurred to me: I went through the bargaining process at one point during our break up (she dumped roughly 3.5 months ago) I decided to send flower to her home and later in the day sent her text messages. I was very matter of fact and straight to the point, I didn't plead, I didn't beg, I simply put things on the table the way they were and stated that I will be open to working things out. Do you know what I got in return? absolutely nothing, no reply, nothing. Now, that the epitome of NC, prime example of it. Again, you need to stop feeling guilty about what you may have or have not done in the past and the fact that he is hurting, as harsh as this may sound is no longer of your concern and there isn't anything you can do to subside his pain. Shift the focus onto you. Focus on bettering yourself, and improving as a person, give yourself time to heal your wounds. And know that you will come out of this a new and improved you.
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 i know i keep saying i am going to put myself first buts its hard when you love someone and there hurting. My whole life my instinct has to always help other people before me.I have never put myself first. The whole reason i didnt tell my boyfriend about my depression and all the other things was simply because i didnt want to hurt anyone i tried to get though it by myself and failed. It was never a case of hiding anything for a spiteful reason i just didnt want anyone being upset and mainly me being the cause of upset. Ive never hurt anyone before in my life and its just so hard to deal with. The fact i can hurt a person its just not in my nature. My ex told me hes always here for me pick up the phone when ever i need to talk But im sure a lot of people say that. I am going no contact now i dont really have much choice. Its not getting me anywhere except more upset by messaging him or stalking his twitter.
JDPT Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 First thing is to understand that you did not hurt anyone. You did not formulate a plan or strategically executed intentions to hurt anyone. I think this is what keeps bringing you back to believe that you are "guilty" of something, that I don't even think you are certain of. Additionally, what's not allowing you to move forward is this continuous contact you have with him. What I think helped me and this is a bit of a different situation than yours is that my ex really made it crystal clear, and got her point across that we were through and that she did not want to hear from me ever again. That was a big wake up jolt and I completely backed off. Keep in mind I was never the type of boyfriend who would smother her not during the relationship and not after, I simply granted her wishes and was completely amazed at her harsh and abrupt decision. Be strong, I know losing a loved one is possibly one of the hardest things we go through in life, trust me I know the feeling but know that in time and a lot of effort things will start looking brighter. You will start sorting out emotions and making room for personal growth. Commit to NC and take this time to find yourself again as we often lose our identities when in a relationship. When you have the urge to contact him and feel that you are so close to it, simply post here we will help you out.
Kimmie80 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 So sorry to hear, kayjay I know its hard to snoop, but you have to somehow try to keep yourself busy. I am slowly learning that, even though its extremely hard, NC is for the best. We get a chance to pick up our pieces and rebuild ourselves. We lived happy and independent lives before these guys so we definitely will get there again! This is just a little bump in our journey of live. Unfortunately, there will be many more, but all we can to do is learn from it and allow it to make us stronger. I have my good moments and bad moments. I am waiting to have the good DAYS and bad days. But it takes time. Deep down I was really hoping that when we hit the 30 days of NC, which was yesterday, that he would reach out and see how Im doing. But nothing I dont know if its cause he knows Im really hurt and doesnt know how to respond or if he truly doesnt care. It was only 2 months. Its so weird that I am having more of a hard time losing him then my 15 year relationship. I think its because there were no fights, no stress, butterflies and all. The whole 'puppy love'. And it was so sudden. Everything was PERFECT till I opened my big mouth Now I have to deal with losing him ontop of the guilt that I feel. Its horrible. Hang in there, hun. We are all here for each other! Stay strong and have faith
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 Today i have been writing out things to do like chores bills meeting friends and more. i do find that when i have to much time on my hands thats when i tend to miss him and have a lot more time to think. Im filling my daily rota up as much as i can and sticking to no contact before i just hurt myself even more. Kimmee I hope i can be as strong as you and go for 30 days but then after 30 days i still dont think i could contact him. I dont think i would have anything to say we both agreed to much has gone on to ever be friends even though he says hes always there. I think if i did contact him after 30 days i could end up back at square one. So i think its more about getting on now rather than no contact i just have to pick myself up and yes i can still mourn him but just not let him know.
Author kayjay85 Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 i made a list of all the things i hate about my ex. every time he let me down or when his phone would run out while he was out anything i could think of just to push me one step further away from him. i am going to read this list everyday so it sinks in.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 My ex text me today. He said he wanted me to know that this has been really hard for him and that he hoped I was doing ok. He said he wanted to let me know how I was doing once in a while and that I would always have a special place in his heart. I have mixed emotions... I feel comforted knowing that he cares for me but sad and hopeless because we're still broken. I love him so much and it hurts to know he's suffering too. I wish we could make this work... I wish he could change. I wish I wish... I text him back that I appreciated him reaching out and that I hoped we could be friends one day. I contemplated not responding and continuing with NC..but I had to respond. Starting NC all over again. So sad tonight.
lovesucks76 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Sorry, hang in there. False hope gets me every time too. You both know the reasons you broke up. Can the situation be changed? How long ago did you guys break up?
Author kayjay85 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 seekingpeaceandlove how long have you been split for. me and my boyfriend have been split for 8 weeks after a 4 year relationship. It was a very hard emotional breakup because i was suffering with depression already and i know it must have been hard for him to see. He told me the same that we would keep in touch but we dragged it out for a whole month of both crying down the phone very emotional. One day he made his mind up and it couldnt be changed he was so adament that we wouldnt get back together. Another 3 weeks went by and i would do anything just to spend time with him and that included me letting him use me for sex. We both agreed it was wrong and that we were both not moving on if we were doing this. 1 more week later that brings us to 8 weeks and he is dating someone. Doing all the things we would do on date night. Hes like a smitten little child with her its been one week and theyve slept together. I am so hurt i cant even think about another person. All sorts of things are going on in my head. How could he get over me so quick, did he even love me. I am so very confused. My ex also said to me call me when ever you need me am i am always there for you now i just thing that was one ofthose line you get after a break.
Kimmie80 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I am also wondering if the last email my ex sent was just a 'line' as well. "Im sure our paths will cross again". It could go two ways: It was used as a nice way of letting me go, or he it could mean that he is not completely closing the door. The hard part is, I may never know. Only time can tell. They time heals all wounds. Still waiting for that to start. Hang in there. I know its very hard. The only thing keeping me grounded are my children and reading these forums. I don't feel so crazy and alone when I log onto here.
Author kayjay85 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I know what you mean kimmee I am slowly starting to feel better by talking to people who are going through the same thing. I think my ex meant it because he loved me so much. He would say i just want to know your safe. I asked what he meant by that because i thought he was thinking the depression is getting the best of me. He said no i just always want you to be safe and know you are safe. but i cant see myself picking the phone up weeks or months down the line to talk to if i have problems it just wouldnt be the same any more x
Author kayjay85 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 Today i was busy getting some work done and left my phone at home for a few hours. Just got back and there was a txt from my boyfriend which said. "just had a missed call from a with held number was wondering if it was you. is everything ok x" I replied without hesitation. "No it wasnt me x". now im sitting waiting for a text which i know wont come. I really feel like there are some unanswered questions for both of us. I dont know weather to call i dont know what to do. Should i start no contact day one again from today and give myself some time to think or should i call and get it all over and done with x
Kimmie80 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Personally, I wouldn't, only because it could set you back. It could get your hopes up when it really was nothing at all. If you are serious about getting your life back on track, then the ONLY way to do it is to go completely NC. I would consider communicating when you know 100% sure that you are over him. That you can talk to him without worrying what it means, what will happen, does he miss me, ect. We have to protect ourselves. But I have to admit, I know I would be all over it if my ex contacted me. I am still at the stage of starring at my phone, checking my emails and waiting, watching for him to reach out to me. I don't need him to tell me he wants me back. I just want him to ask how I am. So I know I am on his mind. I would do anything to hear from him. Even if its not to get back with me. Just to know I am on him mind.....
Author kayjay85 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Posted August 19, 2013 I know. When i am over him and if by then i feel like it i may contact him. Just feel like a lot hasnt been answered though. Your right. I need him to think that when he messages that i wont go running if i do ignore him he will wonder even more. I have to say though i am feeling better day by day.
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