HopingAgain Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Lately, I've been coming to terms with the idea that my Handsome Prince (WH) has been knocked off of the pedestal he was once on and now I can come to grips with his "frog like" flaws and character defects. Its been difficult in these past months to realize that this man who I once idealized as the perfect guy and " Not like most men! is capable of lying, cheating, and just plain being too afraid to work through some issues without resorting to hurtful behavior. We've learned a lot about the personality masks that eachother wears during therapy and we both scored highest on people pleaser and thinker. It was no surprise we have these similarities that draw us together but at the same time can alienate us from one another too. His tendency to people please coupled with shaky boundaries made him ripe for an EMR. At this point I'm realizing I have to really accept the totality of this man knowing all his shortcomings and capabilities in order to REALLY reconcile. No more putting him on a pedestal, no more imagining him as my knight in shining armor as I did when we first fell in love. He's just a man and I'm just a woman and we're both just human with all the instability and unpredictableness that can come with that. Last night we went on a date and had a great time. It was one of the first times I allowed myself to view him through this new perspective and with knowing everything I know. Its pretty safe to say that I will be falling in love with him all over again. Is this a stage everyone goes through in their reconciliation? Tearing down that old image of your WS and allowing a new one to be created based on everything you now know about them since learning of the affair? 3
Author HopingAgain Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 loving frogs is bestiality my friend! LOL! Beauty and the Beast, perhaps? 1
Author HopingAgain Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 YES! I am having difficulty coming to terms with what he was capable of rather than looking at who he is now-it kills him that I see what he did, who he was at that time-its a side of him he never wanted to admit to much less expose to me-its a major stumbling block for us- I am hoping its not a deal killer because I love him, but the fact he could do what he did still makes me ill- Yes, its a hard pill to swallow isn't it? Its like seeing someone exposed for the first time and not expecting it. And not liking what you see brings shock and disappointment and thenv you're left wondering who this person really is or ever was" and if you can accept those deep down places they tried to hide within themselves. I told my H straight up not too long ago that we just have to completely get real with eachother and lay aside our fears and vulnerabilities in order for this to work. 1
ChooseTruth Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Lately, I've been coming to terms with the idea that my Handsome Prince (WH) has been knocked off of the pedestal he was once on and now I can come to grips with his "frog like" flaws and character defects. Its been difficult in these past months to realize that this man who I once idealized as the perfect guy and " Not like most men! is capable of lying, cheating, and just plain being too afraid to work through some issues without resorting to hurtful behavior. We've learned a lot about the personality masks that eachother wears during therapy and we both scored highest on people pleaser and thinker. It was no surprise we have these similarities that draw us together but at the same time can alienate us from one another too. His tendency to people please coupled with shaky boundaries made him ripe for an EMR. At this point I'm realizing I have to really accept the totality of this man knowing all his shortcomings and capabilities in order to REALLY reconcile. No more putting him on a pedestal, no more imagining him as my knight in shining armor as I did when we first fell in love. He's just a man and I'm just a woman and we're both just human with all the instability and unpredictableness that can come with that. Last night we went on a date and had a great time. It was one of the first times I allowed myself to view him through this new perspective and with knowing everything I know. Its pretty safe to say that I will be falling in love with him all over again. Is this a stage everyone goes through in their reconciliation? Tearing down that old image of your WS and allowing a new one to be created based on everything you now know about them since learning of the affair? Personally I think you should never even get married if you think someone is perfect, because no-one is and it's just an illusion waiting to come crashing down.
Author HopingAgain Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Personally I think you should never even get married if you think someone is perfect, because no-one is and it's just an illusion waiting to come crashing down. This is a good point. I can say that in my case, it wasn't so much as thinking my husband perfect as it was seeing him as immune to his own flaws and vulnerabilities.
compulsivedancer Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Lately, I've been coming to terms with the idea that my Handsome Prince (WH) has been knocked off of the pedestal he was once on and now I can come to grips with his "frog like" flaws and character defects. Its been difficult in these past months to realize that this man who I once idealized as the perfect guy and " Not like most men! is capable of lying, cheating, and just plain being too afraid to work through some issues without resorting to hurtful behavior. We've learned a lot about the personality masks that eachother wears during therapy and we both scored highest on people pleaser and thinker. It was no surprise we have these similarities that draw us together but at the same time can alienate us from one another too. His tendency to people please coupled with shaky boundaries made him ripe for an EMR. At this point I'm realizing I have to really accept the totality of this man knowing all his shortcomings and capabilities in order to REALLY reconcile. No more putting him on a pedestal, no more imagining him as my knight in shining armor as I did when we first fell in love. He's just a man and I'm just a woman and we're both just human with all the instability and unpredictableness that can come with that. Last night we went on a date and had a great time. It was one of the first times I allowed myself to view him through this new perspective and with knowing everything I know. Its pretty safe to say that I will be falling in love with him all over again. Is this a stage everyone goes through in their reconciliation? Tearing down that old image of your WS and allowing a new one to be created based on everything you now know about them since learning of the affair? My husband describes a very similar process with me (I am the WS).
ladydesigner Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Yes, its a hard pill to swallow isn't it? Its like seeing someone exposed for the first time and not expecting it. And not liking what you see brings shock and disappointment and thenv you're left wondering who this person really is or ever was" and if you can accept those deep down places they tried to hide within themselves. I told my H straight up not too long ago that we just have to completely get real with eachother and lay aside our fears and vulnerabilities in order for this to work. Yes this is the hardest part. I am actually stuck here at the moment and am happy there is a thread. What is an even larger pill for me to swallow is accepting who he has shown himself to be and I'm not just talking about the A, but personality defects that came to light. Everything has changed. Everything:(
waterwoman Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I think I have been aware of H's 'warts' for a long time. I ignored them. It made it hard to be as loving as he wanted me to be perhaps - might be why he needed worshipping OW because his warts were hidden behind a glowing haze of adoration . Thing is, his affair made us take stock. I realised that his warts were an integral part of him, a man I loved, not an unfortunate attachment I could disregard. He realised that, yes, I was absolutely bloody amazing and he couldn't contemplate life without me (I paraphrase a little ). I find it easier to love the complete man. I've never been comfortable with perfection.....
ChooseTruth Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Personally I think you should never even get married if you think someone is perfect, because no-one is and it's just an illusion waiting to come crashing down. Seriously? There is nothing between perfection and being a liar and a cheater???? Going into marriage think some day he will crush me with his selfishness is the only way to protect oneself? Sorry, that's not what I meant at all. I'm not excusing cheating at ALL. I'm a BS who divorced his cheating wife. I just never had any illusions that she was perfect. I think SHE was the one who had an immature "perfect" view of me early on and it actually worried me and I told her so. 7 years into our marriage I think it all came crashing down for her and she ended up cheating eventually. If I had an illusion it was that she was trustworthy =\ A mature love is one where you see your partner's weaknesses and can live with them. If you don't even see the weaknesses, then you let love blind you and are in for a rude awakening. Again, no excuse for cheating. If someone cheats...they had better start proving themselves because they just proved they have no business being in a marriage at all. 2
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