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Am I going neurotic, or should I trust myself?

optimistic_daisy

By optimistic_daisy
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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optimistic_daisy New Member

optimistic_daisy

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Hi all,

 

I can't really afford a therapist right now, and don't want to unload this onto my friends, so I hope I can find some support here in this nice community.

 

Just a little background--I was married before, for 19 years and have two kids, 19 and 22, who are both in college. I got divorced about seven years ago. Shortly after my divorce, which was to a man who became a high functioning alcoholic, I met another man that I was with for a few years. As time passed, it became apparent that he was suffering from a mental illness of sorts, perhaps bipolar disorder, and was quite delusional. I broke it off, and had to move out of town so he would leave me alone. I now have a new boyfriend who I have been with for a little over three years.

 

I tell you this became I am afraid I have fallen into a pattern of codependency. I am an elementary art teacher, and have been off for the summer, and have some time on my hands--perhaps too much.

 

So here is my current scenario:

 

I really do love my current boyfriend. He is stable, has interests, and is ambitious. He's cute and quiet. He's also a musician and in his mid fifties, but looks much younger. He has very few friends though. I used to be much more social, but now have only a few friends as well, but more than he does. Still, I've been through a lot of loss, and my self-confidence has taken a beating. However, I know that I still look pretty and petite, especially for being in my mid-forties, and I can tell that many men still find me attractive because they tell me.

 

So here's the issue that I am struggling with:

 

It seems like my boyfriend does not know when he is telling me too much about his past relationships. Just last December, we were on vacation and discussing the challenges of raising our kids (we each have 2 from previous marriages). For some reason he decided to tell me about a relationship he had previously, with a woman who was 14 years younger. He said he could have been with women who were much younger, but they usually wanted kids, which he did not. He had a look on his face that to me could only be deciphered as *pining*. What was I? Dogmeat? Being 8 years younger was not enough? I was hurt, and as I often do, just let it go, as to not appear neurotic or lacking in my own self-confidence.

 

Then just a few weeks ago, he decides to tell me that he had emailed an ex-girlfriend of his, just to see how she was doing. This woman had actually been my former massage therapist, and I liked her, before she moved about 1,000 miles away. I don't think he was trying to stir anything up, but was sincerely interested. Still...I know she broke up with him--their relationship happened about 7 years ago--and he had been sad. Anyway, why did he want to tell me about it? What was he trying to share with me for? Did he really think I would be interested in knowing this? Wtf?? I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate for him to email her at all, and certainly not to tell me about it. He seemed taken aback, as if it was just innocent, which it probably was, but still, how could I possibly feel differently?

 

The last thing was a couple of days ago when I went to an outdoor event with three girlfriends. I brought him along so he could meet my friends. He was sweet and friendly with them, but then on the way home he asked me four or five questions about one of the women. What was her name again? How old was she? It started getting on my nerves because I had intuitively felt that he liked her a little more than I wanted him to. Then that night he asked me something else about her...and again the next morning. Wtf?? Again, I don't want to seem neurotic, but this cannot be normal. He also has taken to picking on me for being petite--although I don't think 5'3" is short. He thinks it's funny to "knock me off center," to use his expression.

 

So...how do I handle this? Am I being OCD or neurotic, or am I being some kind of doormat? I too have had old boyfriends email me, but I have never responded, and certainly not told him about them, because I wouldn't have wanted him to be upset or feel betrayed. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me the most. I know I deserve that. Anyway...your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!

 

~Daisy

Faith13/2 Established Member

Faith13/2

Posted
Posted

I think you're reacting just how you should be. You can be the most confident woman in the world, but having your significant other speak of other females or even just over ask about other females, will always make you feel some type of way.

 

As for him emailing his Ex.. Completely inappropriate, that's just not something you do, especially when you're in a relationship. All the things you list about this guy would cause me to worry and even start to doubt myself a little. I don't think you're a "doormat" yet, but if you keep allowing this type of behavior I do feel you will become one soon.

 

Put your foot down, stand up for yourself. You already know what's right, now lay down the law, if he doesn't like it let some other woman deal with him. Best of luck!

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I think you're reacting just how you should be. You can be the most confident woman in the world, but having your significant other speak of other females or even just over ask about other females, will always make you feel some type of way.

Couldn't disagree more. His comments sound like normal interplay between adults that got together later in life and realize their pasts shaped them into who they are now. We all have ex's and we all have thoughts and opinions about them. That he told you he emailed his suggests healthy boundaries.

 

Your issues are your issues. Projecting them on him will hurt both of you in the long run. I'd look for a cost-effective approach to IC, maybe through a local school or social service agency. They can help you put your concerns in a better perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

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optimistic_daisy New Member

optimistic_daisy

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First of all, thanks for your responses. I was wondering if my issue was not "Jerry Springer" enough to encourage responses. :)

 

Anyway, thank you to Faith for validating my feelings. Everyone needs that from time to time. I am definitely not ready to throw the towel in on this relationship, since we have a lot of other good things, but I think it shows me that I have to speak up about things as they happen. I have a tendency not to, then to analyze things, and then say something later after it has festered some and perhaps made it worse that it would have been if I responded a little sooner. Many people are reactive and respond without thinking, but I seem to have the opposite approach.

 

Now to Mr. Lucky--again, I appreciate your response. However...

 

Of course when two adults get together later, there are going to be some issues--some call it baggage. We have been done wrong before, and we're afraid it will happen again (whether we are projecting it or not). I do know that we project things onto others, but that does not mean that it is always the case, or even often the case, especially if we work hard to be self-aware.

 

I definitely have issues with letting others cross boundaries, and that is my issue now. I am certain that a counselor would be helpful in that regard. But *someone* else is doing the crossing, and I am not projecting that. I am just not dealing with it in a healthy way for me.

 

Telling someone that they are emailing their old girlfriend, when you are his current one, is simply not appropriate and is not going to go to any good place. It is definitely *too much information.* If he feels he must do it, then he should keep it to himself. For example, we don't walk down the street with someone we love and make statements about how hot someone else is. It would be cruel because no matter how strong someone is, they will find doubt at some level within. If you have not experienced that, then you have not yet truly been in love. So I don't think his emailing and telling me was establishing a healthy boundary--it was crossing one. Also, talking about ex's when one first gets together is absolutely normal and healthy. Perpetuating relationships with lost loves when you are in a new relationship is not, in any way, shape or form.

 

Anyway, I love him a lot, and we will work through this. It just proves to me what I knew all along, which is that I need to stand up for myself right away, not by saying nothing, and not by allow it to fester and deal with it several days later.

 

Thank you again.

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

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So you would have preferred to be in the dark about your boyfriend's communication with his ex? Isn't he just trying to be honest?

 

My husband knows that I talk to one of my exes sporadically. He trusts me because I don't hide it from him. If I was hiding the conversations with my ex from my husband, he would not be as understanding.

 

If a woman is confident, she isn't going to feel threatened by a man noticing a good looking woman. I see sexy ladies stare at my husband and smile when I walk with him. It makes me laugh and feel proud that I snagged such a handsome man. I will also tease him about getting all the ladies. My husband will often say:"I don't care if they look at me. I only want one woman." :love:

 

My husband loves to tease me because I can be too serious. It is his way of trying to get me to relax and lighten up. I know it is all in good fun and it makes me laugh. I am 5'4 and my husband is 6'2. He calls me an Oompa Loompa. :lmao:

 

It is all about confidence and knowing that you are enough for your boyfriend. If he was planning to cheat with his ex, there is no way you would be aware of the conversations. If your boyfriend wanted the women who were 14 years younger, he would be with them and not you. It is that simple. Don't let your issues ruin your relationship. I have severe trust difficulties from being abused and seeing all the men in my family cheat. I refuse to let those things define my life or cause my marriage to end.

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ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

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What would be worse is if he emailed the old girlfriend and DIDN'T tell you.

 

Still I think emailing was inappropriate. Telling you about it, took guts and was the right thing to do.

 

I think if you told him old boyfriends contacted you, and that you didn't respond..it would actually bolster his trust in you. It demonstrates honesty. If he found out about those messages another way, not so much.

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Flicka Member

Flicka

Posted
Posted

 

If a woman is confident, she isn't going to feel threatened by a man noticing a good looking woman. I see sexy ladies stare at my husband and smile when I walk with him. It makes me laugh and feel proud that I snagged such a handsome man. I will also tease him about getting all the ladies. My husband will often say:"I don't care if they look at me. I only want one woman." :love:

 

This is not even remotely close to what the OP is describing.

 

Daisy, it would bother me too if my boyfriend suddenly started asking me about one of my friends and wanting to talk about her frequently. This, his "pining" convo's about past girlfriends, and his recent emails to his ex would be raising some flags for me. Has he maintained a friendship with this ex or is this just out of the blue?

 

This would all definitely be on my radar. If he has no reason to maintain contact with this ex, such as kids or a pet or something, then I'd feel a bit slighted and disrespected that he's suddenly chatting up old flames.

 

If emailing the ex was crossing a boundry for you then you need to speak up. In my experience digging around in past relationships seems to happen when one isn't content in their current relationship. But who knows? Maybe he's one of those people that just maintains pen pal type relations with their ex.

 

The issue with him teasing you about your height just seems silly though. I don't know his tone, so it's up to you to decide if its a real problem or if its just bugging you because of the other issues. But, I think he's probably just trying to be cute with that.

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
This is not even remotely close to what the OP is describing.

 

Daisy, it would bother me too if my boyfriend suddenly started asking me about one of my friends and wanting to talk about her frequently. This, his "pining" convo's about past girlfriends, and his recent emails to his ex would be raising some flags for me. Has he maintained a friendship with this ex or is this just out of the blue?

 

This would all definitely be on my radar. If he has no reason to maintain contact with this ex, such as kids or a pet or something, then I'd feel a bit slighted and disrespected that he's suddenly chatting up old flames.

 

If emailing the ex was crossing a boundry for you then you need to speak up. In my experience digging around in past relationships seems to happen when one isn't content in their current relationship. But who knows? Maybe he's one of those people that just maintains pen pal type relations with their ex.

 

The issue with him teasing you about your height just seems silly though. I don't know his tone, so it's up to you to decide if its a real problem or if its just bugging you because of the other issues. But, I think he's probably just trying to be cute with that.

 

I am aware that what I said was not what the OP was describing. I was making a statement about being confident.

 

I agree that asking about one female friend and wanting to talk to her is a bit suspect but everything else seems fine to me.

Eve Established Member

Eve

Posted
Posted

Personally I think it is always best to go with ones gut and follow any doubts through to the end point. Well, you may as well..

 

If he knows that he is making you feel uncomfortable then that is an unhealthy thing to keep swallowing, so have it out with him to clear the air once and for all. Hopefully that is all there is to it but I wouldn't put money on it.

 

Methinks he could be one off those men who wouldn't necessarily cheat but who is a bit off a wanker and as such likes to titilate himself by perving at women.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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optimistic_daisy New Member

optimistic_daisy

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Okay guys,

 

I appreciate your comments. I can see that it can be very difficult to make things clear in a forum. When I talk about not wanting to know about my bf emailing an ex, (assuming it is just saying hi) I think that is reasonable. No..I don't think he should do it, for various reasons that I have already mentioned, as it can stir up other things. She was not a good friend, just an old girlfriend. If he chooses to do it anyway and it truly is completely innocent, then he doesn't need to be worrying me needlessly about it by telling me. It feels more like he felt guilty and wanted to unload it onto me to see that it was okay, which it was not. And for those of you who think it is just fine, perhaps you might think about what it is like to be on the receiving end of it instead of the one doing it.

 

To Nyla--yes it is good to be confident and do what you can to boost your confidence--absolutely. I am not worried about every female that we walk by as I am confident that I look pretty nice and I believe that he loves me. I don't see how teasing your husband about women being attracted to him could possibly make him feel bad--frankly it's more of a compliment--as opposed to being told you are too short on a regular basis. I would not want to be referred to as an Oompa Loompa too often, even if it were a joke, as these things get old quickly.

 

Thank you to Flicka--your thoughts resonated with me the most--and you are absolutely correct about the "short" thing being silly. Childish even. I guess there have been several other things he says that I seem to take as somehow not measuring up.

 

And to Forum Lurker--the point that you missed that I evidently did not clarify sufficiently is that it is not always necessary to tell the person you love everything you are thinking or doing (assuming it is innocent) if it is just going to make the other person feel unappreciated or worried needlessly. Furthermore, if I found out somehow on my own that he had been emailing his ex, I would have been irked by his emailing her in the first place, not by whether he had told me or not. Thanks anyway.

Edited by optimistic_daisy
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
When I talk about not wanting to know about my bf emailing an ex, (assuming it is just saying hi) I think that is reasonable. No..I don't think he should do it, for various reasons that I have already mentioned, as it can stir up other things. She was not a good friend, just an old girlfriend. If he chooses to do it anyway and it truly is completely innocent, then he doesn't need to be worrying me needlessly about it by telling me. It feels more like he felt guilty and wanted to unload it onto me to see that it was okay, which it was not. And for those of you who think it is just fine, perhaps you might think about what it is like to be on the receiving end of it instead of the one doing it.

If you happened upon his opened laptop and saw an undisclosed email to an ex, would you read it? Worry about it? Ask him about it?

 

Mr. Lucky

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

He sounds as though he needs his ego stoked and you're (inadvertently or not) doing it for him. He needs to know he's 'still got it'. :confused:

 

This would make me uncomfortable.

 

Emailing the ex, pretty pointless, and not really appropriate. But just dangling his bait to see if he gets a bite. Yuck.

 

In your shoes I would sit down and raise, gently, the things you've mentioned, to give him chance to explain. When you see his instinctive reaction it may well set your mind at rest and you'll wonder why you were worried or it'll be clear that he's a nob.

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
Okay guys,

 

I appreciate your comments. I can see that it can be very difficult to make things clear in a forum. When I talk about not wanting to know about my bf emailing an ex, (assuming it is just saying hi) I think that is reasonable. No..I don't think he should do it, for various reasons that I have already mentioned, as it can stir up other things. She was not a good friend, just an old girlfriend. If he chooses to do it anyway and it truly is completely innocent, then he doesn't need to be worrying me needlessly about it by telling me. It feels more like he felt guilty and wanted to unload it onto me to see that it was okay, which it was not. And for those of you who think it is just fine, perhaps you might think about what it is like to be on the receiving end of it instead of the one doing it.

 

To Nyla--yes it is good to be confident and do what you can to boost your confidence--absolutely. I am not worried about every female that we walk by as I am confident that I look pretty nice and I believe that he loves me. I don't see how teasing your husband about women being attracted to him could possibly make him feel bad--frankly it's more of a compliment--as opposed to being told you are too short on a regular basis. I would not want to be referred to as an Oompa Loompa too often, even if it were a joke, as these things get old quickly.

 

Thank you to Flicka--your thoughts resonated with me the most--and you are absolutely correct about the "short" thing being silly. Childish even. I guess there have been several other things he says that I seem to take as somehow not measuring up.

 

And to Forum Lurker--the point that you missed that I evidently did not clarify sufficiently is that it is not always necessary to tell the person you love everything you are thinking or doing (assuming it is innocent) if it is just going to make the other person feel unappreciated or worried needlessly. Furthermore, if I found out somehow on my own that he had been emailing his ex, I would have been irked by his emailing her in the first place, not by whether he had told me or not. Thanks anyway.

 

Maybe your boyfriend didn't think he was needlessly worrying you by telling you about talking to his ex. That's all I meant by being honest with you.

 

I guess I find certain kinds of teasing to be hilarious; albeit very childish and silly. I am a sensitive woman but I try not to take everything to heart because it makes life less enjoyable for me. I respect the fact that you may not see being teased about your height the same way...it could be a sensitive issue for you.

 

Nobody can "make you feel" anything. You alone choose how you are going to react to a situation. I've had stupid trashy women randomly insult me and it hurts for a minute before I realize that they are just trying to make themselves feel better by putting me down. It just makes them look pathetic.

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optimistic_daisy New Member

optimistic_daisy

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Thanks all of you for your responses, and I hope to take something from this. I really just want to resolve this as I love my boyfriend and I think he has a lot of good qualities.

 

I want to respond to Mr. Lucky about his question, and then I am not going to post here anymore about this issue as I'd like some closure.

 

"If you happened upon his opened laptop and saw an undisclosed email to an ex, would you read it? Worry about it? Ask him about it?"

 

First of all--it's pretty unlikely that I would ever stumble upon his open laptop. He would never leave his computer unlocked. Regardless, it sounds like he's in a bit of a catch 22, right? Like I don't want him to email his ex, and if he does (if it's innocent), I don't want to know, and yet you suspect that if I happened upon an email to an ex without his disclosing to me about it, that I would also be angry about it.

 

What a dilemma.

 

Here's your answer: If he really cared how I would feel about it, he could have shared his intention with me *before* he wrote it. Not gone ahead and contacted her and then told me about and let me deal with my feelings about it. Completely unfair in my opinion. He just unloaded it onto me.

 

There you go. Anyway, thanks again for your insights. I am not looking for everyone to agree with me, but instead what resonates and how I can best handle it while being true to myself. I am grateful for your various perspectives.

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