templeofmax Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 A couples counselor told me that if a breakup was sudden, and feelings were still there (breakup not because of lack of love) and there was no cheating or abuse involved, that it can take 2-3 months of NC for the dumper to begin missing the dumpee badly if feelings are still there. That is, after the hurt from the breakup starts diminishing. I know missing someone does not mean they want the dumped back, but just want to put this out there to see any opinions.
Philosoraptor Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 A "sudden" breakup doesn't mean that the reasons are not valid. And just because it's sudden to the dumpee doesn't mean that the dumper hasn't been thinking about it for a long time. But I digress, a dumper may miss the dumpee from day 1 of the breakup; but missing someone doesn't mean they want to come back. They also could have an understanding that the combatibility isn't there and that they in no way wish to reestablish a relationship with the dumpee. 2
Misfortune Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Dumpers only feel guilt and nostalgia. They got rid of the other good feelings that would cuz them pain after leaving, during the relationship. The demonized you to rationalize their decisions. It's the same dumpees come to terms and start feeling better once they realize that their ex wasn't as good a person as they thought. 3
GorillaTheater Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I've been dumped, and did a fair bit of dumping as well. When I was the dumper, I never missed them, or felt regret, or anything of the sort. What I felt was relief. And sometimes a hell of alot of relief. If I did the dumping, it was because there was some significant incompatibility, because that was the legal alternative to hitting them with a big stick, or simply because I lost attraction. I assume the same holds true for the girls who dumped me. So don't plan on any ex feeling much in the way of regret or longing or much of anything else. Dust yourself off and move on.
lovesucks76 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I was the dumper but feel like the dumped one. I will always love her, that I know but I wasn't happy with the way she treated me. She said she would always love me too but I wasn't convinced, she took 'us' for granted and I need more from her. I told her that 1 month before but nothing changed so I her loose before it got worse for me. Actions speak louder than words! My heart was torn and broken and I still hurt a lot but I'm convinced I made the right decision. Do I want her back? YES! Would I take her back? NO, unless things change significantly. Can she change? NO, she's a beautiful soul but I don't believe she can change. People are who they are, they evolve but significant change is hard and unlikely. IF I was convinced she could change, would I take her back? Absolutely Do I miss her? Every minute of the day. I think about her when I first wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night nd every hour in between. Am I hopeful we will get back together? Yes but I know better so I'm moving on and letting the pain fade with time. I've been keeping myself busy and trying very hard to get her out of my mind. Someone here once said "every minute you spend longing for the one you loved and lost is a wasted minute" and they're right! It doesn't change the outcome. I'm not sure she misses me as much as I miss her to be honest. I'm the one here looking for answers. The dumped is not always the victim....also, there's a reason or two why things happen. If you look back at your own relationship there were signs and you probably had a hint things weren't as perfect as they seemed. I was in denial for a while too until I woke up and decided my heart could not take it anymore. So I ended things. 2
Author templeofmax Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 I was the dumper but feel like the dumped one. I will always love her, that I know but I wasn't happy with the way she treated me. She said she would always love me too but I wasn't convinced, she took 'us' for granted and I need more from her. I told her that 1 month before but nothing changed so I her loose before it got worse for me. Actions speak louder than words! My heart was torn and broken and I still hurt a lot but I'm convinced I made the right decision. Do I want her back? YES! Would I take her back? NO, unless things change significantly. Can she change? NO, she's a beautiful soul but I don't believe she can change. People are who they are, they evolve but significant change is hard and unlikely. IF I was convinced she could change, would I take her back? Absolutely Do I miss her? Every minute of the day. I think about her when I first wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night nd every hour in between. Am I hopeful we will get back together? Yes but I know better so I'm moving on and letting the pain fade with time. I've been keeping myself busy and trying very hard to get her out of my mind. Someone here once said "every minute you spend longing for the one you loved and lost is a wasted minute" and they're right! It doesn't change the outcome. I'm not sure she misses me as much as I miss her to be honest. I'm the one here looking for answers. The dumped is not always the victim....also, there's a reason or two why things happen. If you look back at your own relationship there were signs and you probably had a hint things weren't as perfect as they seemed. I was in denial for a while too until I woke up and decided my heart could not take it anymore. So I ended things. Thank you for this man!!! It actually gives me some hope. How would she show you she changed? Did she try to contact you or something?
Tropi_cali510 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 i hope this is true because this girl wanted space, so i give it to her, the next day or 2 i get messages like i miss you, i hella miss you.. but then now i deleted her number, i messaged her once on fb but deactivated my account and blocked her, so now she text me like why u deactivate ur fb so i cant respond blah blah blah. I told her straight up if u got something to say about my message call me if not then whatever, since then no call, no text, no nothin, i got 1 life to live and yeah it might hurt me but im a man, i can man up , go work out, get buff, get more girls, so its her loss at the end of the day, girls seem so fake after honeymoon phase or something ? but no contact is what im going for, im hoping when shes done with school in november and my car is fixed by then shell text me or call me something, if not than whatever she wasnt the one for me.
lovesucks76 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Thank you for this man!!! It actually gives me some hope. How would she show you she changed? Did she try to contact you or something? I see her once a week in a class we both still take. I keep to myself and she talks to me once in a while but hasn't made an attempt to change my mind. I think she knows too. It's cool. If she came back and had a plan and made an effort for a significant positive change YES I would consider opening up my heart again. When I love someone I LOVE them with all my heart, if she can't return my affection then I need to move on in order to protect my own heart. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to be honest. My heart said "you love her so much, why are you doing this?", my mind said "she's not as much into you as you are into her, protect yourself and let her go"
Author templeofmax Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 I hear you. Some people prefer to not make the effort to change cause it is harder than let someone they love go.
lovesucks76 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I agree....and I wish it was different, really do.
alexjames88 Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Yes. My EX dated me based on hope I think. It was VERY painful for him and for me also. He hoped I would change and get better and of course I didn't and it ended up breaking both our hearts. At the time the change he wanted all I could see was him not loving me for who I was. Rather than him caring about me and wanting me to stop killing myself through terrible lifestyle and addiction issues.
Misfortune Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I was the dumper but feel like the dumped one. I will always love her, that I know but I wasn't happy with the way she treated me. She said she would always love me too but I wasn't convinced, she took 'us' for granted and I need more from her. I told her that 1 month before but nothing changed so I her loose before it got worse for me. Actions speak louder than words! My heart was torn and broken and I still hurt a lot but I'm convinced I made the right decision. Do I want her back? YES! Would I take her back? NO, unless things change significantly. Can she change? NO, she's a beautiful soul but I don't believe she can change. People are who they are, they evolve but significant change is hard and unlikely. IF I was convinced she could change, would I take her back? Absolutely Do I miss her? Every minute of the day. I think about her when I first wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night nd every hour in between. Am I hopeful we will get back together? Yes but I know better so I'm moving on and letting the pain fade with time. I've been keeping myself busy and trying very hard to get her out of my mind. Someone here once said "every minute you spend longing for the one you loved and lost is a wasted minute" and they're right! It doesn't change the outcome. I'm not sure she misses me as much as I miss her to be honest. I'm the one here looking for answers. The dumped is not always the victim....also, there's a reason or two why things happen. If you look back at your own relationship there were signs and you probably had a hint things weren't as perfect as they seemed. I was in denial for a while too until I woke up and decided my heart could not take it anymore. So I ended things. You had no choice, you reached your limit. Forced dump is completely different from a well calculated one sided dump. In a forced dump situation, you mimic the actions of a dumper but at the end of it all, you're really a dumpee. It wasn't really your decision and it wasn't what you really wanted. You don't get the "weight of your shoulder" feeling like regular dumpees do. If you really want to know if dumpers miss you, think about your past relationships that you are now completely over. How do you feel about your exs(the ones you've gotten over). Slight feeling of what ifs and nostalgia right? At the end of the day, you have no intentions on going back to that situation though. It's as simple as that. They dealt with the loss before ending things and they also have new mates to help keep the sad thoughts away. They're creating new happy memories everyday until they're nothing but memories with no emotional attachments. This is why dumpees must stay active and not mope around all the time. Eventually you'll reach the point there at, with or without someone new.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I'm curious as to the context in which your psychologist told you this?
Recommended Posts