nscrgrl25 Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 I will try to keep this brief but how do you explain a year of someone constantly decieving you and then constantly taking them back? My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and live together. During the past 4 months I have discovered that he is addicted to cocaine and porn. We have had many discussions in which he vows to clean up his act but the same old song and dance continues...I believe he will change and things are good for a week or two then I find the drugs or the porn...he gets pissed im snooping...leaves for 2 days or so and then comes back with promises of getting clean. He has agreed to see a drug counselor and he takes drug tests at home every few days. I agreed to spice up our sex life as he said that he needed porn to be aroused b/c i was a good catholic girl who was boring in bed. Despite my efforts at being a porn star in the bedroom, I have come to realize that the problem is not with me, but with him. So it seems like an open and shut case, right? Leave the lying bastard and safe myself a life full of secrecy, additiction, and pain. The problem? I have never felt so strongly about someone and I just can't let go. Please help me let go and move on to have the healthy life I dreamed of.
bluechocolate Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 Is his addiction recent or when you when you say "you just discovered it" what you mean was it's been going on all the time? I ask because if he's recently turned to drugs or gone back to them there could be something else going on in regards to your relationship, ie. he's doing this because he doesn't want to be with you so him cleaning up isn't necessarily going to mean he stays. The problem? I have never felt so strongly about someone and I just can't let go. Then you've really got your work cut out for you. You both have to be convinced of his desire to quit & come up with a program that will get him headed in the right direction. You're going to have to accept that failures are inevitable. Get in contact with local support groups & listen to people who are going through this with loved ones & have already done so, & then decide if you have the perseverance to do the same. You didn't mention age & said that you've been going out a year - I hate to sound so pessimistic about people because I'm not really - but in my opinion this is a struggle you don't need to enter. If this was a family member or long term b/f or husband I would probably answer differently. In this case I think he needs to sort himself out on his own & then come back to you a clean & whole person so that you two can start again (though I wouldn't wait). If you're a part of the therapy then I think you risk remaining a part of the problem, it that makes any sense.
Starnette83 Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Hey Chica, we girls give our hearts, we seek friendship, companion and love.. guys seek SEX....to them sex is more important then anything else... I know it sucks but the majority of men have women just for the sex, is not really because they love them... Love doesn't hurt! when u love someone u dont want to hurt them, once something bugs them , u try to get ure act right cuz u love thenm more then anything and what they say matters... he is putting porn and cocaine before u, in other words taking u for granted, he may love u but right now its unlikely..for hes not really showing it, maybe cuz he knows u will always be there... instead of being mad next time u find porn or cocaine, dont say anything,,, just act calm and say "Hey, i see porn and cocaine is important to you, enough to go against my feelings towards it, so therefore i wont fuss about it anymore, u do what u gotta do, but i think id rather be alone now, bye" the time he realizes he can stop playing these yoyo games hemight make a change and realize ure serious....but dont even get mad cuz its pointless, just say it calmly...and that will make him react!! Cuz guys dont react to screaming, they just walk away and are gone for 2 days like u said, enough time to forget and make up again!!! READ "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES" BY SHERRY ARGOV.. dont settle for less, unless u wanna live miserably the rest of ure life
morrigan Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by nscrgrl25 I have never felt so strongly about someone and I just can't let go. You can't change his behavior either--if he's unwilling to get treatment for his problem, you are going to have to make the hard decision of whether it's worth staying with this man in this continuing situation, or leaving him. You may love your boyfriend, but you are looking forward to the great relationship with this guy when/if he gets off of the drugs. But that person and relationship are not in reality. He needs to take the intiative, contact the local Naroctics Anonymous organization or the public health office, who can assist him with finding a drug treatment center. He needs to admit to himself that he cannot do "at home" treatment; he needs to place himself in a drug treatment facility. Neither you or any of his family and friends can do this for him. If he refuses to do get any further help for himself, there is very little you can do.
Author nscrgrl25 Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 thank you all so much for your kind words. You have all said what I have been thinking for months now. I am looking forward to a dream with someone who does not exist. He has said he is looking for narcotic counselors for his drug habit but I am now questioning wheter or not that is true. I am trying very hard to break the cycle. Of course I still harbor the hope that in living without me for a while he will clean up his act and be 'normal' but I know that dream will probably never become a reality. In an case, he has to stay here for 4-6 months until he pays off his debt to me ($3,000) and can afford a deposit on an apartment. It is really rough. He comes home and hibernates upstairs saying that I made a whimsical decision to break it off and that he has no desire to hash things out. I am hoping his anger will subside and we will be able to make the best of a bad situation, but it looks like I am sentenced to months of hell in prison. i guess most of my fears is that i will never find the good qualities he posses ever again. I have had 5 or 6 serious relationships and probably a dozen more that last a month or two and never have I found someone that I am still excited to see everyday as I have with him. thanks again
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