How do I get her out of my head?

[tom_in_england]

Hi everyone, any advice would be very appreciated...

 

I'm looking for some help to try and stop myself getting even more depressed than I already am.

I'm not going to go into a massive amount of detail, but I was starting to get very very close to a girl who I honestly thought was going to be something special (and to a certain degree, I still do). She is amazing and literally everything I want and I know that she did feel exactly the same. It was going really well until about 2 months ago. Something from her past was brought back up, something she doesn't want to talk about, and she changed. She was getting really low, and pushing people away, and one thing lead to another and she has decided she has got to move away and start a new life somewhere abroad. She told me that she can't get close to anyone because it will stop her moving away which is something she needs to do for herself. And so that was it. We still speak, and I have seen her a couple of times, but she has said I need to find someone else.

 

I have tried to move on, but all I can ever think about is her. Literally all day everyday I cannot get her out of my head and how gutted I am. This has been going on for about 5 weeks now and its getting worse. I even find myself getting tearful at times and it is sending me more and more depressed by the day. She does know how I feel to a point, but I'm scared that if I tell her exactly how I feel, it will push her away for good and we will stop speaking all together.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified that if I do nothing, I will lose her for good and never find someone so speacial again, but then I'm also scared of being rejected all together.

 

Any thoughts?

[Skyraider829]

Hi everyone, any advice would be very appreciated...

 

I'm looking for some help to try and stop myself getting even more depressed than I already am.

I'm not going to go into a massive amount of detail, but I was starting to get very very close to a girl who I honestly thought was going to be something special (and to a certain degree, I still do). She is amazing and literally everything I want and I know that she did feel exactly the same. It was going really well until about 2 months ago. Something from her past was brought back up, something she doesn't want to talk about, and she changed. She was getting really low, and pushing people away, and one thing lead to another and she has decided she has got to move away and start a new life somewhere abroad. She told me that she can't get close to anyone because it will stop her moving away which is something she needs to do for herself. And so that was it. We still speak, and I have seen her a couple of times, but she has said I need to find someone else.

 

I have tried to move on, but all I can ever think about is her. Literally all day everyday I cannot get her out of my head and how gutted I am. This has been going on for about 5 weeks now and its getting worse. I even find myself getting tearful at times and it is sending me more and more depressed by the day. She does know how I feel to a point, but I'm scared that if I tell her exactly how I feel, it will push her away for good and we will stop speaking all together.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified that if I do nothing, I will lose her for good and never find someone so speacial again, but then I'm also scared of being rejected all together.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I'm very sorry to hear that this has taken such a toll on you, and its understandable as to why it has. Don't let it drive you down so far that you are getting to the point of desperation though.

 

If she does care about you - I would not think (I put an emphasis on think) she would be pushed away. What you two should do is sit down and have a heart-heart talk about this and what to consider. Take both of your sides of the equation into account and figure something out. Don't rush to find a resolution, just take it in steps.

 

I would not consider doing nothing about it whatsoever. I presume that could and would eventually lead to an outcome that neither of you want.

[tom_in_england]

I'm very sorry to hear that this has taken such a toll on you, and its understandable as to why it has. Don't let it drive you down so far that you are getting to the point of desperation though.

 

If she does care about you - I would not think (I put an emphasis on think) she would be pushed away. What you two should do is sit down and have a heart-heart talk about this and what to consider. Take both of your sides of the equation into account and figure something out. Don't rush to find a resolution, just take it in steps.

 

I would not consider doing nothing about it whatsoever. I presume that could and would eventually lead to an outcome that neither of you want.

 

 

Thank you for replying.

 

I know I need to do something about it, but I'm scared to because I'm scared that it will put an end to any contact I have with her all together.

The thing thats eating away at me, is the thought of her getting with someone eventually, and I'm really scared I'll never get over her. I thought it was just a crush I had on her, but after months its getting worse and worse. Its driving me crazy. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel tearful regularly and its just not like me to be like this. I'm kind of embarassed to be feeling like this, but I literally can't help it an dI don't know what to do. I'm in bits

[tom_in_england]

Has anyone got anything that can help me? I am getting lower by the day. Its so pathetic, but I lay in bed this morning and cried. I'm just in a complete mess, and its all because I dont really know whats happened with her, even after 2 months. I'm getting a really short fuse with everything, I'm miserable around my friends, I can't concentrate on work, I even tried distracting myself by going on a date, but that has made me feel even worse because all I found myself doing is realising just how right for me the other girl was.

All this is happening and she is probably oblivious to how I feel. But as I said in an earlier post, I'm terrified to tell her because I know she will end up saying we should stop talking, and that would literally break me.

 

 

Please if anyone has anything to say, please say it.

[Skyraider829]

Has anyone got anything that can help me? I am getting lower by the day. Its so pathetic, but I lay in bed this morning and cried. I'm just in a complete mess, and its all because I dont really know whats happened with her, even after 2 months. I'm getting a really short fuse with everything, I'm miserable around my friends, I can't concentrate on work, I even tried distracting myself by going on a date, but that has made me feel even worse because all I found myself doing is realising just how right for me the other girl was.

All this is happening and she is probably oblivious to how I feel. But as I said in an earlier post, I'm terrified to tell her because I know she will end up saying we should stop talking, and that would literally break me.

 

 

Please if anyone has anything to say, please say it.

 

I get where you are coming from on this. I have not been in your shoes before, but I can certainly imagine this well enough to get an idea of how it feels. You've got contradictory feelings regarding how to resolve this. Part of you wants to tell her but you feel the consequence could be severed contact. There's a chance it may not. Just the contradiction regarding what course of action to take is frustrating in and of itself.

 

You must also be frustrated because you know that she probably doesn't know this is affecting you so much (its only logical to assume so) when it really is. And if you did tell her this, it would most likely be something completely out of left field and just the delivery of that kind of news is enough to make someone retreat - again, it may not but I surely can't say what it will do. The last thing you want to do is sound desperate. If you are going to tell her anything - do not make it seem like you are in some form of desperation.

 

One thing I will say is that you cannot keep all of this pent up inside. It may come out to her one day, and if it does it could come out the wrong way.

[Skyraider829]

know I need to do something about it, but I'm scared to because I'm scared that it will put an end to any contact I have with her all together.

 

Look, its difficult to determine what I should say when I don't have enough information about this circumstance. I can't give you absolute answers about what course of action to take. I can only give opinions from my own perspective. It is hard to say what she will do when I have no idea what her personality is like or other things. I wish I could give you an absolute solution but I can't.

 

Why would she totally cut off any contact you have with her? If she does have mutual feelings, what would drive her to do that?

 

She is amazing and literally everything I want and I know that she did feel exactly the same.

 

You confirmed she felt the same. What did she say or do to you that enabled you to know that she felt the same?

 

She said you needed to find someone else. Okay, that's probably because whatever this past factor is, must be causing her some troubles and she could not want you around her when she's in a funk, which is respectable. Do you still talk to her from time to time?

 

You're in between a rock and a hard place. My only suggestion is - and its only that, is that you should talk to her. Just get in touch with her. Do not start off by talking about how much you need her or want her. Simply engage in civil talk. Try to reform that bond you had or if you still have it, well you need to sustain it if you choose to possibly take this somewhere in the future.

[tom_in_england]

Look, its difficult to determine what I should say when I don't have enough information about this circumstance. I can't give you absolute answers about what course of action to take. I can only give opinions from my own perspective. It is hard to say what she will do when I have no idea what her personality is like or other things. I wish I could give you an absolute solution but I can't.

 

Why would she totally cut off any contact you have with her? If she does have mutual feelings, what would drive her to do that?

 

 

 

You confirmed she felt the same. What did she say or do to you that enabled you to know that she felt the same?

 

She said you needed to find someone else. Okay, that's probably because whatever this past factor is, must be causing her some troubles and she could not want you around her when she's in a funk, which is respectable. Do you still talk to her from time to time?

 

You're in between a rock and a hard place. My only suggestion is - and its only that, is that you should talk to her. Just get in touch with her. Do not start off by talking about how much you need her or want her. Simply engage in civil talk. Try to reform that bond you had or if you still have it, well you need to sustain it if you choose to possibly take this somewhere in the future.

 

Thank you for that. I dont expect anyone to tell me exactly what to do, but some guidance would be most helpful.

 

Ok, so I know she felt the same because she told me that she could feel herself falling for me and that I was "literally everything she wants". She went on holiday for a week with her friend shortly after we had first met up, and she text me every day of her holiday (her initiaiting), and called me as soon as she landed back in the UK at at 3 am because "she had missed my voice so much". Its things like that that make me know she felt the same.

 

Her as a person... she is a police officer so is quite a confident and mature. she is bubbly and fun to everyone she meets, but on the inside I know she is quite an insecure person. She worries about things like what she looks like and she hates upsetting people. She is also a little older than me (shes 26 im 23).

 

I have addressed how I feel to her...to a certain extent. A few weeks ago I told her that I really, really like her and that I was scared I am going to lose her. She told me that she just couldn't be with anyone. She said she couldn't deal with any heartache and said I should find someone else. That was it for a few days, we didnt speak and I thought that was it. But then she initiated conversation again and we started talking again. She invited me down to see her about 2 weeks ago, to help with something to organise her sisters wedding, so I did go and see her. She said she couldn't wait to see me, and although it was nice, its made me feel even worse because I've again seen what I'm missing. And now, since seeing her again, we are talking less and less. We text every few days but its not like it used to be. I know she is busy with work and her sister's wedding though.

 

I hope that gives a bit more insight into how things are between us.

 

I guess the recent decline in communication has something to do with why I've been feeling worse and worse. My main concern is that what if she does meet someone on a night out or through a friend or something and that person changes her mind on wanting to be with someone? or maybe that has already happened - that she is seeing someone and thats why she is being less talkative with me? am I missing my chance to change her mind because I'm not in contact with her every day?

I live just under an hour away from her so I'm not in the same group of friends or anything like that. Although I have met and know her family, I don't know any of her friends so our social lives are serperate in that respect.

Edited August 20, 2013 by tom_in_england

[Skyraider829]

Thank you for that. I dont expect anyone to tell me exactly what to do, but some guidance would be most helpful.

 

You're very welcome. I'll do as much as I can.

 

Ok, so I know she felt the same because she told me that she could feel herself falling for me and that I was "literally everything she wants".

 

That's definitely assenting to know. She takes the reigns and initiates all the text conversations - cool, very affirmative behavior. She said she missed your voice? Damn, that's sweet.

 

Her as a person... she is a police officer so is quite a confident and mature. she is bubbly and fun to everyone she meets, but on the inside I know she is quite an insecure person. She worries about things like what she looks like and she hates upsetting people. She is also a little older than me (shes 26 im 23).

 

Who cares about the age difference - even if you think something of it. Its chronological in origin and has virtually no impact on relationships unless you fall victim to stupid, narrow-minded, bogus social stigmas. Besides, three years is vapor in both a physiological and temporal sense.

A female police officer? No doubt, that's impressive. One thing that someone with insecurities can always cherish is a partner to help them restore it and recharge their self-esteem. You seem like you undoubtedly do this.

 

have addressed how I feel to her...to a certain extent. A few weeks ago I told her that I really, really like her and that I was scared I am going to lose her. She told me that she just couldn't be with anyone. She said she couldn't deal with any heartache and said I should find someone else. That was it for a few days, we didnt speak and I thought that was it. But then she initiated conversation again and we started talking again. She invited me down to see her about 2 weeks ago, to help with something to organise her sisters wedding, so I did go and see her. She said she couldn't wait to see me, and although it was nice, its made me feel even worse because I've again seen what I'm missing. And now, since seeing her again, we are talking less and less. We text every few days but its not like it used to be. I know she is busy with work and her sister's wedding though.

 

I wonder what's restraining her from being with you or anyone? Did she ever say she had a tough past, something in her childhood maybe? Have you made it known to her, that no matter what, you would do whatever you can to assist her in getting over these problems she's encountering?

 

I guess the recent decline in communication has something to do with why I've been feeling worse and worse. My main concern is that what if she does meet someone on a night out or through a friend or something and that person changes her mind on wanting to be with someone? or maybe that has already happened - that she is seeing someone and thats why she is being less talkative with me? am I missing my chance to change her mind because I'm not in contact with her every day?

I live just under an hour away from her so I'm not in the same group of friends or anything like that. Although I have met and know her family, I don't know any of her friends so our social lives are serperate in that respect.

 

With all do respect, I don't mean to sound hard but if you guess that the decline in communication is due to your emotional state, you need to wake up and understand that you need to let go of the emotional insecurity, toss the cover-up blanket aside and think rationally about this. A poor emotional state can, and does hamper your rational senses to a good degree. Reasoning with emotion is a fallacy, because instead of looking outside for evident things you base all your assumptions upon feelings which isn't wise.

 

Your concern has validity but it seems to me like the only man she has on her mind is you when it comes to that sort of thing. I would not assume she's going out because if she is in this emotional wreckage, she will only distance herself more from people - mainly you because she could think that if she were to be involved with you, the troubles she having which are only temporary could negatively affect what you two do share - which is a concrete bond. So if that were to happen, and something goes awry and you two split - over something impermanent in nature, it could compromise things between the both of you in the future and hurt the unfounded potential of a real relationship.

 

I say to keep in contact, and no overdoing it but do stay in touch. Perhaps its a fair idea to reinforce that now, when she is having hard times that you are really there for her in every way possible.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Skyraider829

[tom_in_england]

You're very welcome. I'll do as much as I can.

 

 

 

That's definitely assenting to know. She takes the reigns and initiates all the text conversations - cool, very affirmative behavior. She said she missed your voice? Damn, that's sweet.

 

 

 

Who cares about the age difference - even if you think something of it. Its chronological in origin and has virtually no impact on relationships unless you fall victim to stupid, narrow-minded, bogus social stigmas. Besides, three years is vapor in both a physiological and temporal sense.

A female police officer? No doubt, that's impressive. One thing that someone with insecurities can always cherish is a partner to help them restore it and recharge their self-esteem. You seem like you undoubtedly do this.

 

 

 

I wonder what's restraining her from being with you or anyone? Did she ever say she had a tough past, something in her childhood maybe? Have you made it known to her, that no matter what, you would do whatever you can to assist her in getting over these problems she's encountering?

 

 

 

With all do respect, I don't mean to sound hard but if you guess that the decline in communication is due to your emotional state, you need to wake up and understand that you need to let go of the emotional insecurity, toss the cover-up blanket aside and think rationally about this. A poor emotional state can, and does hamper your rational senses to a good degree. Reasoning with emotion is a fallacy, because instead of looking outside for evident things you base all your assumptions upon feelings which isn't wise.

 

Your concern has validity but it seems to me like the only man she has on her mind is you when it comes to that sort of thing. I would not assume she's going out because if she is in this emotional wreckage, she will only distance herself more from people - mainly you because she could think that if she were to be involved with you, the troubles she having which are only temporary could negatively affect what you two do share - which is a concrete bond. So if that were to happen, and something goes awry and you two split - over something impermanent in nature, it could compromise things between the both of you in the future and hurt the unfounded potential of a real relationship.

 

I say to keep in contact, and no overdoing it but do stay in touch. Perhaps its a fair idea to reinforce that now, when she is having hard times that you are really there for her in every way possible.

 

 

And I'll say again, thanks! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write these replies!

 

Ok, so the age difference isnt a factor at all, I was simply adding it in for your info of our ages

 

The restraining from being with someone definately stems from past heartbreak. She had a long term relationship that ended at the start of last year, and the reason it ended was clearly something that has hurt her badly - to the extent where she only recently told her family about what had happened. She does not want to talk about it with me and I have never asked her to tell me. I don't need to know and I would never ask her to tell me unless she had to. So this, paired with her planning to move away, is why she says she cannot be with anyone - that she could not risk the heartbreak again.

 

Again, you have stumbled over another reason for my own heartbreak. Over the past 2 months since her troubles, I have wanted nothing more than to be there for her. To talk to her and to cuddle her, but she has not let me. I have told her that I would not break her heart, that I can be there for her always. But I think she finds it hard to trust that.

 

I know its pathetic, but even writing this now I'm getting a bit tearful because of how much I want to be there for her.

 

Lately I think she is more the person she used to be. She does go out with her friends and does enjoy herself. But I worry that although she is getting back to where she was, her feelings for me I fear have disappeared slightly, if not totally.

[Skyraider829]

And I'll say again, thanks! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write these replies!

 

Ok, so the age difference isnt a factor at all, I was simply adding it in for your info of our ages

 

The restraining from being with someone definately stems from past heartbreak. She had a long term relationship that ended at the start of last year, and the reason it ended was clearly something that has hurt her badly - to the extent where she only recently told her family about what had happened. She does not want to talk about it with me and I have never asked her to tell me. I don't need to know and I would never ask her to tell me unless she had to. So this, paired with her planning to move away, is why she says she cannot be with anyone - that she could not risk the heartbreak again.

 

Again, you have stumbled over another reason for my own heartbreak. Over the past 2 months since her troubles, I have wanted nothing more than to be there for her. To talk to her and to cuddle her, but she has not let me. I have told her that I would not break her heart, that I can be there for her always. But I think she finds it hard to trust that.

 

I know its pathetic, but even writing this now I'm getting a bit tearful because of how much I want to be there for her.

 

Lately I think she is more the person she used to be. She does go out with her friends and does enjoy herself. But I worry that although she is getting back to where she was, her feelings for me I fear have disappeared slightly, if not totally.

 

No worries man.

 

Hmmm...I'm just spit-balling here but do you suppose that whatever caused the breakup at the start of last year has or had something to do with her insecurities, and sub-optimal self-esteem? It provokes me to question whether her original boyfriend mocked her in some way because of her insecurities with regard to how she looks and not wanting to make people upset. It seems like a possibility to me. I'm in no way suggesting that's what happened, but it is thought-provoking.

 

Ah, yeah I know its got to be crazy hard not to want to hold her and console her when she refuses to do so, going at it alone. Not easy...

This previous break-up must have left a dent in her ability to trust. It seems like someone with insecurities about herself would, unsurprisingly, have trust issues with someone else if the previous boyfriend did something that reinforced or intensified those insecurities, downing her self-esteem which creates a feedback loop of awareness of insecurities and that torches the esteem she has for herself and it repeats. Then its likely she projects that onto others, fearing that they view her as she views herself (another major psychological fallacy to point out) which drives her away from resolving the problems and seeking to further her interactions with you as she did before.

 

Don't think its pathetic. Be easy-going with yourself. Let it out, don't keep it in. She obviously has got some special charm over you, that's all I can say.

 

Wait a minute, I would think the reverse: If she's getting back to like she was, she would be more apt to get back into regular meetings and contact with you. Maybe you should try cheering up, being more optimistic and see if that changes your overall interactions. Maybe she's waiting for you to get back to being more peachy if she knows, even though to a minimal degree that what's pestering her is also pestering you.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Skyraider829

[tom_in_england]

No worries man.

 

Hmmm...I'm just spit-balling here but do you suppose that whatever caused the breakup at the start of last year has or had something to do with her insecurities, and sub-optimal self-esteem? It provokes me to question whether her original boyfriend mocked her in some way because of her insecurities with regard to how she looks and not wanting to make people upset. It seems like a possibility to me. I'm in no way suggesting that's what happened, but it is thought-provoking.

 

Ah, yeah I know its got to be crazy hard not to want to hold her and console her when she refuses to do so, going at it alone. Not easy...

This previous break-up must have left a dent in her ability to trust. It seems like someone with insecurities about herself would, unsurprisingly, have trust issues with someone else if the previous boyfriend did something that reinforced or intensified those insecurities, downing her self-esteem which creates a feedback loop of awareness of insecurities and that torches the esteem she has for herself and it repeats. Then its likely she projects that onto others, fearing that they view her as she views herself (another major psychological fallacy to point out) which drives her away from resolving the problems and seeking to further her interactions with you as she did before.

 

Don't think its pathetic. Be easy-going with yourself. Let it out, don't keep it in. She obviously has got some special charm over you, that's all I can say.

 

Wait a minute, I would think the reverse: If she's getting back to like she was, she would be more apt to get back into regular meetings and contact with you. Maybe you should try cheering up, being more optimistic and see if that changes your overall interactions. Maybe she's waiting for you to get back to being more peachy if she knows, even though to a minimal degree that what's pestering her is also pestering you.

 

 

You have been so helpful Skyraider thank you! its so good to write it all out and talk to someone about it.

 

I guess I'm going to have to wait it out and see if anything develops, but in all honesty all I can see is myself getting more hurt and heartbroken.

 

I'd like to keep updating so if you can keep an eye on this thread I'd really appreciate it

 

Thank you once more!

[Skyraider829]

You have been so helpful Skyraider thank you! its so good to write it all out and talk to someone about it.

 

I guess I'm going to have to wait it out and see if anything develops, but in all honesty all I can see is myself getting more hurt and heartbroken.

 

I'd like to keep updating so if you can keep an eye on this thread I'd really appreciate it

 

Thank you once more!

 

I'm very happy to help out. I know it can help loads to get stuff off your own shoulders.

 

I understand what you are saying. I don't say to get wrapped up in thinking that things are going to go one hundred percent perfect but don't fall victim to pessimism. Remain rationally optimistic about this. It makes more sense to be optimistic even in some adverse circumstances rather than beating yourself down with hopeless self-talk. Also don't let emotional bias influence your future assumptions. Those are common errors in the way some people think. Its sure easy to due, but try to avoid it.

 

By all means, do keep updating because I'll check this thread everyday.

[tom_in_england]

So Its been a few days, and I had been feeling surprisingly a bit better about her. I hadn't spoken to her for about a week and I had a busy few days which kinda distracted my mind a bit, and I'd felt alot happier and not so down.

Then, yesterday morning she sent a text.... just sparking conversation, asking how I was. The conversation lasted like 6 texts which ended on me asking a question (nothing serious.... she said her sisters had a big argument the other day and I asked what had happened) and I got no reply. This was over a day ago. So, on the one hand I was feeling really happy that she'd obviously thought about me and wanted to chat.... but why now blank me? We used to talk every day, she used to call me most evenings. But now, its a few texts exchanged every week or so. I just dont get it? why would she start a conversation with me and then just blank me?

Its got me feeling really low again today, I just don't know what to do.

I thought about sending her a short text just saying that I miss her, but I dunno if thats a good idea.

[Skyraider829]

Then, yesterday morning she sent a text.... just sparking conversation, asking how I was. The conversation lasted like 6 texts which ended on me asking a question (nothing serious.... she said her sisters had a big argument the other day and I asked what had happened) and I got no reply.

 

I like to be rationally optimistic and I view that as a very good sign that at least you are still on her mind. It can perplex the hell out of you when you are carrying on a conversation and then, the other person just drops off the line and you can't make heads or tails regarding the cause. If her sisters had some big argument, something that is deeply familial in its origins, then it could just be something that she's taking hard. In that case, then it would seem like more of a possibility of her just dropping off the line like that if the argument was really irksome to her.

 

Its got me feeling really low again today, I just don't know what to do.

 

Don't let your head hang too low, or else you won't be motivated to rectify the situation.

Understand that she did text you.

 

I thought about sending her a short text just saying that I miss her, but I dunno if thats a good idea.

 

I won't say yes nor will I say no to that. But, why not give it a shot later on?

[tom22]

Agree with what SR has said

Edited August 27, 2013 by tom22

[tom_in_england]

I like to be rationally optimistic and I view that as a very good sign that at least you are still on her mind. It can perplex the hell out of you when you are carrying on a conversation and then, the other person just drops off the line and you can't make heads or tails regarding the cause. If her sisters had some big argument, something that is deeply familial in its origins, then it could just be something that she's taking hard. In that case, then it would seem like more of a possibility of her just dropping off the line like that if the argument was really irksome to her.

 

 

 

Don't let your head hang too low, or else you won't be motivated to rectify the situation.

Understand that she did text you.

 

 

 

I won't say yes nor will I say no to that. But, why not give it a shot later on?

 

 

Yeah thats what I think I'm going to do. I'm gonna leave it another day, maybe 2, and see if she replies. But if not, then a little one liner like "I miss you" I think is what I'll send.

 

thanks again, I'll be updating when there is something to update with

[Skyraider829]

Yeah thats what I think I'm going to do. I'm gonna leave it another day, maybe 2, and see if she replies. But if not, then a little one liner like "I miss you" I think is what I'll send.

 

thanks again, I'll be updating when there is something to update with.

 

Okay, I'll by standing by.

[tom_in_england]

Ok, so its been over 2 days now since she has ignored me mid conversation. I know I need to stop thinking so negatively, but I'm feeling lower and lower all the time now. All day today I've felt so upset and confused about it all. More so than I have been.

I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her how I feel and what she's done to me this last 2 months. But I'm terrified of sounding desperate and even more terrified of what I think will happen - I'll lose her all together.

 

I'm in a dilema of what to do. I need to contact her, but I don't know what to say.

 

Do I address the situation of being blanked directly, asking if something is wrong or why she didn't reply? or do what I earlier suggested - simply send a text saying "I miss you", in the hope that saying just that lets her know I'm hurting.

 

What do you think?

[Demoralised_10]

Tom,

I am in exactly the same boat as you almost to a tee apart from I'm slightly older than you!

Have had the same experience, high intensity relationship of 3 months, we would text or call everyday and saw each other every weekend as she too lived an hour away. Whenever we were together she couldn't keep her hands off me, was constantly telling me she loved me, wanted to marry me etc!

Then out of the blue she calls and says her feelings have changed and she doesn't want this anymore! The day before she was telling me she loved me still!

I was in more of a state of shock at first but I realised quite quick despite my protestations that I wasnt going to get answers of our relationships decline, she just said she didn't want this but she had doubts.

I didn't come across as bitter or angry with her, we continued to text for the next few days until I decided can't take anymore and went NC.

Let me tell you what I think, my Ex too had come out of an abusive LTR at beginning of the year, I had lavished praise on her and she revelled in it. However something however minute that I might have done or said set a trigger off inside her head warning her this could be the start of another bad relationship.

There were a couple of small red flags I noticed at first but sadly didn't pick up that she had these insecurities and jealousy.

It's only been 3 weeks for me, I've said what I wanted and left it to NC. I do suggest although you've had some breadcrumbs which I also got last week that you keep your distance remain in NC. I know it's hard mate, believe me I'm struggling, I have good days and horrendous days but I'm doing this for me because as sad as it is our Ex's at this moment in time don't want to be with us. I've learnt through advice here, that contacting and begging to be heard will only distance her further.

You are feeling lower because you remain in contact with her although she is giving you little in the way of encouragement that she wants to get back with you. Infact she is trying to appease her guilt for ending it my remaining in contact to see if you are ok. Give her the space and more importantly this way you can heal yourself. What's hard is its our natural human instinct to wonder why? What did I do wrong? Not getting the answers is ultimately the hardest part of all.

Take care mate, if you need to talk or need advice just ask from a fellow Brit!.

[Skyraider829]

Ok, so its been over 2 days now since she has ignored me mid conversation. I know I need to stop thinking so negatively, but I'm feeling lower and lower all the time now. All day today I've felt so upset and confused about it all. More so than I have been.

I want to tell her everything.

 

Its a common ground for all of us, the more pessimistic your thinking becomes, the easier it is to sound and act pessimistic, even when the hints are subtle. Your perceptions of events change, and you end up finding it very easy to cherry-pick little things and distort them, and then confirm correlations or feelings (subjective validation) which leads to justified belief despite your premises being wrong in some way or another.

 

You cannot sit around sulking about "what to do" and "what should I say". Stop that. You need to think carefully, take this matter into perspective, be more objective about it, make a plan, and commit to a resolution. Don't let your imagination run wild and begin to expect what she will say, keep expectations out of the picture for now.

 

I want to tell her how I feel and what she's done to me this last 2 months. But I'm terrified of sounding desperate and even more terrified of what I think will happen - I'll lose her all together.

 

Why are you so terrified of sounding desperate? Remember, you are the one in control of your own emotions, it doesn't work the other way around. It seems like you are over-anticipating this way too much - I know its sort of a big deal for you, but if you are this caught-up you won't be able to portray your feelings in the best way, or in the clearest way. You also are catastrophizing. This is something else you need to quit, pronto. You think you are going to lose her. If you keep on thinking this, you are only going to get yourself worked up even more. It feels like you have a lot on the line so you want tense up, and prepare for the worst but believe me, its best if you take this lightly to the best of your abilities. By "lightly" I am not in any way implying "careless" but instead I would equate it to being less emotionally rigid. Let yourself bend a little bit, flexibility in every sense of the word is quite important.

 

Do I address the situation of being blanked directly, asking if something is wrong or why she didn't reply? or do what I earlier suggested - simply send a text saying "I miss you", in the hope that saying just that lets her know I'm hurting.

 

Telling her "I miss you" is soft and unambiguous. Its a tender approach. Given the fact that she's having some sort of a hard time with her sisters, I would tend for that approach. Its more congenial. If the conversation carries, ask her why the contact between you two is less frequent. Don't be paranoid about the exact wording. Be calm, be open and ask your questions. Let it flow, don't get all caught-up and bogged down.

 

Keep your chin up and don't put pressure on yourself.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Skyraider829

[tom_in_england]

Tom,

I am in exactly the same boat as you almost to a tee apart from I'm slightly older than you!

Have had the same experience, high intensity relationship of 3 months, we would text or call everyday and saw each other every weekend as she too lived an hour away. Whenever we were together she couldn't keep her hands off me, was constantly telling me she loved me, wanted to marry me etc!

Then out of the blue she calls and says her feelings have changed and she doesn't want this anymore! The day before she was telling me she loved me still!

I was in more of a state of shock at first but I realised quite quick despite my protestations that I wasnt going to get answers of our relationships decline, she just said she didn't want this but she had doubts.

I didn't come across as bitter or angry with her, we continued to text for the next few days until I decided can't take anymore and went NC.

Let me tell you what I think, my Ex too had come out of an abusive LTR at beginning of the year, I had lavished praise on her and she revelled in it. However something however minute that I might have done or said set a trigger off inside her head warning her this could be the start of another bad relationship.

There were a couple of small red flags I noticed at first but sadly didn't pick up that she had these insecurities and jealousy.

It's only been 3 weeks for me, I've said what I wanted and left it to NC. I do suggest although you've had some breadcrumbs which I also got last week that you keep your distance remain in NC. I know it's hard mate, believe me I'm struggling, I have good days and horrendous days but I'm doing this for me because as sad as it is our Ex's at this moment in time don't want to be with us. I've learnt through advice here, that contacting and begging to be heard will only distance her further.

You are feeling lower because you remain in contact with her although she is giving you little in the way of encouragement that she wants to get back with you. Infact she is trying to appease her guilt for ending it my remaining in contact to see if you are ok. Give her the space and more importantly this way you can heal yourself. What's hard is its our natural human instinct to wonder why? What did I do wrong? Not getting the answers is ultimately the hardest part of all.

Take care mate, if you need to talk or need advice just ask from a fellow Brit!.

 

Thank you so much for that! Such a nice post!

 

As you can appreciate, NC isn't easy at all! I think the difference is, my situation isn't a boyfriend girlfriend relationship ending, its the fact that it hasn't really had a chance to start.

 

Thank you for the advice anyway though it really does help to know that people can understand how I'm feeling.... and i really hope you manage to get over your situation too

[tom_in_england]

Ok, so its been over 2 days now since she has ignored me mid conversation. I know I need to stop thinking so negatively, but I'm feeling lower and lower all the time now. All day today I've felt so upset and confused about it all. More so than I have been.

I want to tell her everything.

 

Its a common ground for all of us, the more pessimistic your thinking becomes, the easier it is to sound and act pessimistic, even when the hints are subtle. Your perceptions of events change, and you end up finding it very easy to cherry-pick little things and distort them, and then confirm correlations or feelings (subjective validation) which leads to justified belief despite your premises being wrong in some way or another.

 

You cannot sit around sulking about "what to do" and "what should I say". Stop that. You need to think carefully, take this matter into perspective, be more objective about it, make a plan, and commit to a resolution. Don't let your imagination run wild and begin to expect what she will say, keep expectations out of the picture for now.

 

 

 

Why are you so terrified of sounding desperate? Remember, you are the one in control of your own emotions, it doesn't work the other way around. It seems like you are over-anticipating this way too much - I know its sort of a big deal for you, but if you are this caught-up you won't be able to portray your feelings in the best way, or in the clearest way. You also are catastrophizing. This is something else you need to quit, pronto. You think you are going to lose her. If you keep on thinking this, you are only going to get yourself worked up even more. It feels like you have a lot on the line so you want tense up, and prepare for the worst but believe me, its best if you take this lightly to the best of your abilities. By "lightly" I am not in any way implying "careless" but instead I would equate it to being less emotionally rigid. Let yourself bend a little bit, flexibility in every sense of the word is quite important.

 

 

 

Telling her "I miss you" is soft and unambiguous. Its a tender approach. Given the fact that she's having some sort of a hard time with her sisters, I would tend for that approach. Its more congenial. If the conversation carries, ask her why the contact between you two is less frequent. Don't be paranoid about the exact wording. Be calm, be open and ask your questions. Let it flow, don't get all caught-up and bogged down.

 

Keep your chin up and don't put pressure on yourself.

 

SR, I can't tell you how much you are helping, thank you so much - as always!

 

I think you have it spot on. I am worried about hearing things I don't want to hear from her and i do over think and over analyse things to the point where in my mind I assume the worst.

 

But, its certainly not easy not to think these things!

 

I decided to give it another day. still nothing from her, but I havent sent anything either (its currently 10pm here). Tomorrow I'm going to tell her I miss her and see what happens.

 

I hope I can report back in a more positive mindset, but we'll see!

[Skyraider829]

I think you have it spot on. I am worried about hearing things I don't want to hear from her and i do over think and over analyse things to the point where in my mind I assume the worst.

 

For some that is easy to do when you feel you have something really precious in your life, and its understandable for sure. But you are making some progress in your own ways by becoming aware of your thinking habits.

 

But, its certainly not easy not to think these things!

 

Yeah, I acknowledge that. But what's better? Being open-minded and letting things flow, or keeping it all shut in and biting your finger nails?

 

I decided to give it another day. still nothing from her, but I havent sent anything either (its currently 10pm here). Tomorrow I'm going to tell her I miss her and see what happens.

 

I hope I can report back in a more positive mindset, but we'll see!

 

I really am hoping it all turns out in the best way, or at least neutral.

[tom_in_england]

Sorry for the lack of an update, SR. I've been busy this last week or 2.

 

So I did text her that I miss her, and I got an instant reply that she misses me aswell.

We did start talking again quite alot the next few days. It actually felt like it used to with her. We chatted on the phone for over an hour twice and texted alot.

But now its gone quiet again. I text her last night just asking how she was and I haven't yet received a reply. I dunno, it just seems at one moment I'm making progress again and the next, I'm back at square one. Its at these quiet times that my mind seems to run away with things. I convince myself that perhaps she has found someone and thats why communication between us has deteriorated again. I know that she is gonna be busy this week because her sister is getting married in 5 days time. I'm overreacting again I know, but I can't help myself I'm afraid, I just hate it so much when I don't receive a reply from her, because it reminds me of how much it has changed with use - she used to text and call everyday, regardless of how busy she was.

[tom_in_england]

Skyraider, if you see this, I could really use your advice and/or your reassurance right now.

The last few days I have become more depressed about all this than I ever have been before.

 

I know it sounds over the top, but it is starting to literally ruin my life. My head is just in such a mess.

I know how pathetic this is, but the other night I dreamt about her. I dreamt that we were finally together and I have never felt so happy. Then, when I woke up and realised it was a dream, I lay in bed crying.

All day long I dwell on things she has said to me in the past. "you are literally eveything I want" "I have never wanted someone so much" and I think to myself, how can it have gone from that to this and I don't even know why. Nothing happened to change it, that I know of.

And then there are my numerous insecurities and worries about her, all of which I know are totally unjustified. What if she has found someone else? what if she does go out and a guy chats her up and they start dating? its like tomorrow - its her sisters wedding and the reception is going to be full of guys from the army, most of which will be single. She is going to be drunk, and maybe even a little sad that her sister is getting married and she is there on her own (assuming I'm not right about having already found someone). I have no doubt that someone will try it on with her, and I worry that they will succeed. I know its unreasonable for me to think this, but I worry so much about it.

Is it normal to think like this? to be so utterly negative?

Apart from the fact that she is less talkative, I have absolutely no reason to believe she is with someone, but yet I still think it. In fact all 'evidence' points to the fact that she still thinks about me.

And the other day she said something kind of weird. In the middle of a text conversation, she said "I hope I never make you sad" and "I have your best interests at heart, always". It was in context with the conversation because we were talking about her moving back in with her parents and how its in her best interests to move and I said I hope you arent too sad about moving out. But even so, it was an odd thing to say, I think.

 

I know I repeat myself alot on this thread, and I'm sorry about that. But again it brings me to the question, what should I do about it next?

 

here are my 2 options, the way I see it...

 

I lay my cards on the table. Tell her I have tried to get over her but I can't and I want her so much. Tell her exactly how I feel and see how she responds. But in doing this, I risk losing her all together, which is the last thing I want.

 

Or do I carry on as we are, and hope something happens. Maybe gradually try and let her know how I feel, by being subtle about it?