Accept the unacceptable

[Cutlose]

The hardest thing in life people go through is acceptance. Everything I went through, could have been avoided only if I had accepted things for what they were instead of what I believed I could turn them into. To make a long story short I will explain to you the heart aches I have encountered over the past 2 years. I met someone in june 2011, 3 months after having my first child so bare with me I was a tad bit vulnerable. We were friends. We understood each others thoughts. We understood we were both two different people but we were still hurting from the same thing. He use to explain to me his old relationships and how he use to be with more than one woman, and I thought he was ****ing insane. But I liked him. And at the time he was single so hooking up came a bit faster then usual (seeing as I hadn't had sex in over 7 months) but from there we were attached. Idk if it was the sex, or the greater bond underneath, but we fell for each other. And over time he asked me to join a relationship with him and his babymother. At first, of course I cussed his ass out, for even being bold enough to ask a person like me (Gemini, jealous, hard loving) to SHARE him with another woman. That right there let me know two things, ONE he lied to me about being single, and TWO even if I wanted I would never get this man to myself.

 

ACCEPTANCE PEOPLE. Right there was the chance for me to turn my head and say no thanks, and just walk away. But that little voice in the back of my head said try it, for him, and sooner or later he will give you what you want. Silly me, his baby mother has been with him for 5 yrs they ran through 2 other girls already lord WHY would I expect anything different. Acceptance.

 

Me and his baby mother went through hell, which she explained to me further down the line, he had always been this way nothing new, maybe a little more calm but nothing new. He became a TOTAL different person when I became his woman. Aggressive, jealous, demanding, physically and mentally abusive. We fought every other day. He didn't want me to work, he didn't want me to have friends, he didn't even want my daughter to see her own father. I was isolated from everyone and no one I knew liked him. Other girls around our way always laughed at me and gave me the "there goes his second bitch" look like I was the biggest dummy on earth. Not to mention he was still out there sleeping with plenty other females because that's just "who he is" quote on quote and we had to learn to deal with it.

 

Spare me the "your so stupid speech" because this is way deeper then it's explanation. He was (and is) a great guy. I never saw that other side of him because I didn't have to. He's only possessive over things he knows are his, and once I became his woman, that's when our great relationship turned bad. By then I was already so in love that I was willing to bypass all the negative things cause I could still see the great in him. And most of the time when it was just me and him, things were ok. I still just was not happy. I didn't want a man who wanted to be with more than one woman. Why do I have to see my man kiss another woman, touch another woman, make love to another woman, why. I realized I got myself into something that still to this day I'm trying to get out of. Over the past 2 yrs even his own child's mother has gotten so fed up with him she has left. I have been here for him through begging her, watching him cringe at the thought of her with someone else all the while I'm thinking she's lucky.

 

Now a days I watch each day go by wondering when my life will become the same again. Wondering why I care so much about him and his feelings when I have began deteriorating since I been with him. I'm not the same. I have became such a down grade of my originally self. I feel insecure, I feel scared, I feel ALONE. I look horrible. my hair has fallen out, my face has broke out. Only writing about it now helps soothe the little pain I got and I don't know if its because I want everyone to know what I been going through or because I'm finally at this road in my life where I'm ready to drive down and never turn back. He's the guy that makes you feel like your the one who's done something to him. He's the guy that makes you feel guilty about any situation even if its his fault. It's always "fight for me," "don't give up," "our love is stronger then this." I feel like over these past few weeks Ive began to train my brain to understand and ACCEPT the fact that this is not what I want. He will never ever ever be who I want him to be and I'm ok with that now. I took up on the challenge and it whopped my ass and now I'm ready to accept that and just move the **** on. I'm hurting, I cry all the time. Because the thought of leaving is what makes me stay. Who will he have ? Who will be there ? All these things I think about and still I'm missing the bigger picture. All of this is waste. Me being with him was a waste. I KNEW from the get go that this was something I wouldn't be able to do forever. I could've saved my life and all the ****ed up things that have happened in it because of him if I would've just accepted the truth behind this.

 

I know now even more than I did before that this will not work. But It is just very hard to leave someone you are in love with. I have yet to express my passion for him but I love him whole heartedly. From my soul to my breathe I love him. I have put him before everything, and even though that was a mistake on my behalf that just goes to show how much I love him. I always thought that if I kept showing and proving myself to him he would see that I was the only one who could love him as much as he needed. I still to this day feel like no one will ever show him more compassion more loyalty or love then me. When I'm away from him I miss him so much. I want to pick up when he calls, I want to respond when he texts, I want to let him in when he pops up at my house because I LOVE HIM.

 

Tina Turner made a song called "Whats love got to do with it" after all those years of loving Ike. I never understood the point of that song because when you love someone that's ALL that matters...so I thought. But I get it now. I really do. What DOES love have to do with it? From parents who kick their kids out, to marriages that become divorce, love is love. It will be there regardless of what happens in a situation but it doesn't change the things that happen. People always assume your suppose to fight for love but love doesn't want to be fought for. Love is there no matter whether you use it in your actions or not. Accept that. You can love someone to death and still understand and come to the conclusion that you and that person are not meant to be together. I've done a lot of things, and made a lot of mistakes. But to be hurt like this is disappointing. All I've ever done is give and all this relationship has done is took from me and brung me down.

 

To all of you out there going through something like this, (a break up in general), my heart goes out to you. But you are obviously at this point because somewhere along the lines you or your partner realized y'all were not meant to be together. If you haven't accepted that by now here's your chance. People believe certain things cannot and just will not happen to them. And that's what makes things even more worse for many. I'm laying next to my EX now, writing this forum, telling you all that when I go home today I will not look back. I've sat up many nights like this crying, being unhappy, stressed out, and he's just been sleep like a ****ing baby. It hit me tonight, I've been scared to let go because I'm already used to this. I got so use to the hurt and pain it became a normal ****ing routine. I didn't care about any thing because I've put my all into someone and I can't get that back to give to someone else. BUT, that's not true. Pain heals over time, and with time becomes growth. And all that love I've given away, will grow back inside of me when I'm ready.

 

I accept him not being the one for me, I accept that I will be depressed over the GOOD times we had, but I've also accepted the fact that he never loved me enough to stop and ask me what it was I wanted from him. Even though I made several attempts one after the other to show that he was always put first above anything, he never did that for me. One day I will meet a man, and he will want to put me on the highest pedestal in his heart, and I pray to the God almighty that I let him.