AP breaking NC and exposing their flawed marriage/relationship

[Wambo]

I heard many stories how the OW having a successful run of NC and all of the sudden, out of the blue, the MM would contact them. Many of us don't actually see what going on in their relationship and how they cope with our NC. We are too focus on our own recovery unaware the former affair partner doesn't like his or her situation. We may think it's over but that not what the cheater may think.

 

In my situation I had the advantage in the way because i still work in the same building as my former emotional affair partner. However it doesn't mean I'm safe and chances of the affair starting again are even greater. The good news is there had been some company restructuring and we both moved to different departments. Our shift patterns are also different and it was a blessing in disguise. Otherwise if things had stayed the same, I had no doubt in my mind the emotional affair would start again. Anyway the chances of accidently bumping into each other has greatly decreased. My advantage compared to many others I can see how she is coping and aware of her situation.

 

At the moment her situation appears to be getting worst and looks like she will break my NC soon. The facts she stares at me when I'm in her line of sight gives it away. The other day she was in the canteen talking to a group of her friends but fell silent during mid sentance. All I did was walked in and handed paperwork to a superior. It's almost like an actress forgetting her lines in a play. Happily chatting away about herself and then all of a sudden fell slient. The question is what can she do in her situation? At present she can't continue her affair with me and the only options is to change departments or take the affair outside the workplace.

 

Looking at my situation and seeing how unhappy she is, I understand why adulters break NC and continue the affair. A lot of them are hurting and wants a quick fix to their situation or doesn't want to face reality.

[Got it]

Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybe it was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him. Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinks he is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love for years. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would make him IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyone feel like a prince among men.

 

Then W finds out or is suspicious. MM gets tired of having to find ways to sneak out and see OW, and he's tired of listening to OW b&tch that she wants more time with him. MM starts to tell OW he can't do this anymore. OW begs and pleads- no MM, I love you, please leave to be with me. I'll wait for you forever. Meanwhile, wife is saying- please, we are a family, we can work through this, think of the children, the history, I'll try to be more fun in bed. So, now MM has 2 women who think he's the cat's ****ing meow.

 

Finally, under the guise of "doing the right thing", he stays with the wife. For a while, he lives with that "heroism" feeling, that in the end, he did the honest thing and stayed with him family. That he SACRIFICED for the good of his family. And also for the good of OW, cause she was oh, so unhappy in that relationship and she'll find someone else.

 

Then, weeks and months go by. Wife is happy at first that she has her husband back. But that feeling wears off and she becomes angry and bitter. There's tension around the house, and the sex hasn't improved like wife promised it would. And NO ONE is paying any attention to poor little MM. There's no one professing their undying love. There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat with a bottle of wine and a thong.

 

Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, and hell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a good friend. And maybe she still likes me.

 

So, he calls, or emails. At first OW says, oh, MM I missed you so. I still think about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knows he was loved by this woman, and she still adores him. He feels better about himself, and can go back to being Mr. Do the right thing with wife. This happens repeatedly.

 

Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I was sick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'm glad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked out between us.

 

MM is crushed. How could she have done this? How could she have GONE ON WITH HER LIFE? After all, he was really going to leave someday.

 

And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life and marriage, and that OW was just a fling to him.

 

More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to the mindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story. This life is not so bad, after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she found happiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her.

 

But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SG anymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends. Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty for hurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to have someone who adores me constantly.

 

And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and no response. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoring ME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. Nothing again from OW.

 

For, you see my dear friends, she really has moved on. And no amount of adoration or apology matters to her anymore.

 

And MM's life is back to "normal"- as it was when this whole mess began.

 

Can you believe this is the fate of poor MM? After all, he was a HERO. He gave up everything for the greater good. How can wife still be upset? Can't she act like this never happened? and OW has gone with her life... what happened to these 2 women who adored me so.

 

MM feels like crap about himself. He starts to recognize that he created this fate for himself, and that out there in the world somewhere is OW, a woman who would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, and now she belongs to another. Someone else is holding her, someone else is making love to her.

 

well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME

[If-I-Only-Knew]

Being in an affair is like being on drugs. If you're trying NC, you're trying to get off the addiction but it's hard. That's why NC doesn't work all the time. That's why seeing the AP can trigger feelings that are uncontrollable. Keep up the good job though, Wambo!

[MissBee]

I heard many stories how the OW having a successful run of NC and all of the sudden, out of the blue, the MM would contact them. Many of us don't actually see what going on in their relationship and how they cope with our NC. We are too focus on our own recovery unaware the former affair partner doesn't like his or her situation. We may think it's over but that not what the cheater may think.

 

In my situation I had the advantage in the way because i still work in the same building as my former emotional affair partner. However it doesn't mean I'm safe and chances of the affair starting again are even greater. The good news is there had been some company restructuring and we both moved to different departments. Our shift patterns are also different and it was a blessing in disguise. Otherwise if things had stayed the same, I had no doubt in my mind the emotional affair would start again. Anyway the chances of accidently bumping into each other has greatly decreased. My advantage compared to many others I can see how she is coping and aware of her situation.

 

At the moment her situation appears to be getting worst and looks like she will break my NC soon. The facts she stares at me when I'm in her line of sight gives it away. The other day she was in the canteen talking to a group of her friends but fell silent during mid sentance. All I did was walked in and handed paperwork to a superior. It's almost like an actress forgetting her lines in a play. Happily chatting away about herself and then all of a sudden fell slient. The question is what can she do in her situation? At present she can't continue her affair with me and the only options is to change departments or take the affair outside the workplace.

 

Looking at my situation and seeing how unhappy she is, I understand why adulters break NC and continue the affair. A lot of them are hurting and wants a quick fix to their situation or doesn't want to face reality.

 

I'm confused...I'm not sure how what you mentioned is an advantage.

 

Can you say more about how being aware of her situation and seeing how she's coping, while you're supposed to be in NC, is in fact helpful towards the process of moving forward? What makes it an advantage?

[Wambo]

Going full NC is the best and quickest resolution to an affair. However it doesn't mean NC is the final nail in the affair because the other person could easily make contact during the difficult period with the soul aim to rekindle the romance. In this situation many of us aren't prepared or even considering the AP to jump back into our lifes. We maybe under the illusion they are trying to sort out their marriage/relationship when reality they are back to square one. They are unhappy and want to take us back. So they hype themselves up, act all excited or charming and pretend their nothing wrong with their situation. They come in and take us back in when we are weak and they pretend to be strong.

 

The advantage I got and it does come with disadvantages aswell. It's a slower recovery speed and my former friend could easily come up to me for a chat. I can witness how she is coping in her situation and prepare myself for any possible breach of NC. When this breach does occur I can see through the lies and handle the situation better than say contact out of the blue.

[GreySkyMorning]

Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybe it was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him. Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinks he is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love for years. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would make him IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyone feel like a prince among men.

 

Then W finds out or is suspicious. MM gets tired of having to find ways to sneak out and see OW, and he's tired of listening to OW b&tch that she wants more time with him. MM starts to tell OW he can't do this anymore. OW begs and pleads- no MM, I love you, please leave to be with me. I'll wait for you forever. Meanwhile, wife is saying- please, we are a family, we can work through this, think of the children, the history, I'll try to be more fun in bed. So, now MM has 2 women who think he's the cat's ****ing meow.

 

Finally, under the guise of "doing the right thing", he stays with the wife. For a while, he lives with that "heroism" feeling, that in the end, he did the honest thing and stayed with him family. That he SACRIFICED for the good of his family. And also for the good of OW, cause she was oh, so unhappy in that relationship and she'll find someone else.

 

Then, weeks and months go by. Wife is happy at first that she has her husband back. But that feeling wears off and she becomes angry and bitter. There's tension around the house, and the sex hasn't improved like wife promised it would. And NO ONE is paying any attention to poor little MM. There's no one professing their undying love. There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat with a bottle of wine and a thong.

 

Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, and hell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a good friend. And maybe she still likes me.

 

So, he calls, or emails. At first OW says, oh, MM I missed you so. I still think about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knows he was loved by this woman, and she still adores him. He feels better about himself, and can go back to being Mr. Do the right thing with wife. This happens repeatedly.

 

Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I was sick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'm glad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked out between us.

 

MM is crushed. How could she have done this? How could she have GONE ON WITH HER LIFE? After all, he was really going to leave someday.

 

And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life and marriage, and that OW was just a fling to him.

 

More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to the mindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story. This life is not so bad, after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she found happiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her.

 

But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SG anymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends. Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty for hurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to have someone who adores me constantly.

 

And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and no response. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoring ME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. Nothing again from OW.

 

For, you see my dear friends, she really has moved on. And no amount of adoration or apology matters to her anymore.

 

And MM's life is back to "normal"- as it was when this whole mess began.

 

Can you believe this is the fate of poor MM? After all, he was a HERO. He gave up everything for the greater good. How can wife still be upset? Can't she act like this never happened? and OW has gone with her life... what happened to these 2 women who adored me so.

 

MM feels like crap about himself. He starts to recognize that he created this fate for himself, and that out there in the world somewhere is OW, a woman who would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, and now she belongs to another. Someone else is holding her, someone else is making love to her.

 

well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME

 

I love this.

[veryhappy]

Got it, it may be be worth mentioning that the message you posted is from another website. Reading it helped me a lot when trying to end the A.

[Got it]

Absolutely, I don't take credit for it. There is another site that has amazing posts, quotes, tips, and general wisdom especially for an OP who is Ending. It is amazing site.

[1calgal]

Absolutely, I don't take credit for it. There is another site that has amazing posts, quotes, tips, and general wisdom especially for an OP who is Ending. It is amazing site.

 

Hey Got it. What's the other site. I'd love to know.