campfire Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 It crossed my mind today. Children who come from troubled upbringings where maybe one of the parents abaondonded the family, or favored the elder sister more, or didn't show much love and affection for the kid - do these kids often grow up with a need for validation, love and acceptance? I would guess many would struggle with self confidence issues as well. Is it also a given that this trait gives them a higher probability of cheating?
karnak Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 WRONG!!! I come from a very dysfunctional family. My parents are emotional psychos. So much that I think they should be receiving professional treatment (and yes, I'm talking about mental asylum here). I did grow up with a lot of issues. Lack of self-esteem, repressed anger... you name it - I probably had it. Yet, in most of my relationships I was the most emotionally stable person. I had opportunities to cheat. Yet I never did. Just because I had issues and I had been emotionally abused that didn't gave me the right to abuse others. Listen, dude... people are not androids, programmed by outside entities. A man or a woman cheat because they decide to cross their genitals with another. Period. 2
janedoe67 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 yep, and I grew up with two parents who loved and nurtured and encouraged me, and yet I still made the choice to cheat. People are not programmed, neither are all cheaters "just somehow secretly worse then normal people." People cheat because of selfishness and bad boundaries. And those are twisted and complicated by a myriad of other things like resentment stress, poor choices, etc. There is no "simple" formula and there is no one who is "exempt" by some secret superior DNA. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 There is no doubt that our past affects our present, but I have read many posts where the betrayed spouse says they grew up in a difficult family situation and therefore were all the more determined not to repeat it for themselves as adults. So I think the opposite argument also could be made.
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 It crossed my mind today. Children who come from troubled upbringings where maybe one of the parents abaondonded the family, or favored the elder sister more, or didn't show much love and affection for the kid - do these kids often grow up with a need for validation, love and acceptance? I would guess many would struggle with self confidence issues as well. Is it also a given that this trait gives them a higher probability of cheating? Sure it relates, but maybe not for the reasons you think. The three most common characteristics of those who cheat are conflict-avoidant, poor communication of feelings, and low self-esteem. So, it could any number of family of origin issues that create these characteristics. certainly if you lie as a young child, ( all children do) are then sweetly coerced to tell the truth and then smacked for it, lying becomes an easy survival tool. If you are not allowed to complain, ever voice a negative feeling, you stop learning how to properly do so. You avoid conflict because people may grow angry with you. Certainly, an abandoning parent, or a harshly critical and punitive parent , can wreak havoc with your self-esteem. So can a parent who demands perfection or who is only proud when you achieve something that impresses the neighbors....like straight As on the report card. It is almost better to grow up in dysfunction somewhat ignored then to have to strive to be perfect without complaint to please mommy and daddy. That's when external praise and validation become like a drug to make you feel good enough about who you are. 2
drifter777 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I think many people who are raised in abusive, dysfunctional families are less likely to be cheaters due to their desperate fear of both abandonment and conflict. In their minds these are the consequences of cheating and it's simply too high a price for a codependent person to pay. On the other side of the coin, I think codependent people are the most likely BS's to attempt reconciliation or otherwise find a reason to stay in the relationship in order to return their world to "normal". Their desperate need to avoid conflict overrules everything - at least in the short term. Also, people who were beat-down, shamed, and abandoned by sick or alcoholic parent(s) are much more vulnerable to the emotional damage of betrayal. The hurt is deeper, psychologically, and much more difficult to heal.
janedoe67 Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 People who cheat are people who, for whatever reason, became self-focused, selfish, and allowed their boundaries to go out the window. And yes, anyone who does not guard against their vulnerabilities can be vulnerable to one. There is no special snowflake DNA marker for cheating. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 People who cheat are people who, for whatever reason, became self-focused, selfish, and allowed their boundaries to go out the window. And yes, anyone who does not guard against their vulnerabilities can be vulnerable to one. There is no special snowflake DNA marker for cheating. Actually there is....for men. High testosterone levels and a finger digit longer than others....a true DNA marker. The "whatever" reason, so easily flipped aside, that you allude to? MUST be learned and introspected in counseling with a qualified therapist if one ever hopes to not cheat again. EVERY cheater has their superficial reasons...the logic they apply to excuse their behavior. But for every person in ...let's say, a sexless marriage...there is an equal number who would divorce a sexless marriage before cheating. LEARN your true why if you hope to change such self-destructive behavior for good.
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