What's going on?

[Sapphyre]

Hi, if you've read my previous threads you will know the backstory of my situation.

 

The guy I've been trying to date has been coming round roughly once a week since we 'finished' at the end of May. He's never really come around totally willingly; usually happens that I ask him to come and see me, he says that isn't a good idea as he is attracted to me but can't see a future for us, and he doesn't want to be 'that guy' that sleeps with a woman even though he knows there is no relationship potential. I'd then keep on and on and eventually he'd agree to come over, turn up looking uncomfortable/sour faced and we'd end up either kissing or arguing, either way we usually ended up in bed (again, me going on and on about it til he came upstairs) and the next morning we'd both feel awful, we'd usually end up arguing during the night, too.

 

He last came round on the 5th August and on the thursday of that week, he said he was happy to text, but needed at least a couple of weeks space from seeing or speaking to me. After a bit of a text conversation I phoned him and basically asked what he thought would change between us in just 2 weeks. He kept saying "I really like you" and that a bit of space would allow him to work out if what he felt about me was just a physical thing, just friends of something more. I asked what something more meant and he said "work it out...dating, doing things properly". For the past 6 weeks he's been saying he doesn't want to date me as he just doesn't have that core 'want' to take me out, he likes me a lot but there's something missing and he doesn't know what it is. Whilst saying this though, he's also occasionally been saying things like "sometimes I think I feel too much for you", "I don't know whether I'm madly in love with you or hate you", "why do I keep coming back to you when all we do is argue...you've wound me up so much but at the same time all I want to do is hold you", "I wonder whether I'm just being a coward, worrying too much about what people will think" so I was very confused, then to have him bring up the dating thing as a possibility on the phone the other day was very confusing.

 

He says he thinks about me a lot, misses me but doesn't know how he feels about me, and this time away from seeing me will help him realise that. He then said (after I'd asked) that he'll come and see me when he gets back - as he's going away for 2 weeks.

 

We've exchanged a couple of texts since that phone conversation, but nothing since Sunday and already it's killing me.

All of a sudden, I feel like he's decided he doesn't want to see or speak to me again and that makes me sad.

 

I don't know how I feel about him for sure, whether I'd want a relationship or not; I just know I like his company when he's here and miss chatting to him/seeing him.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking, really - apart from, do you think he might be genuinely confused and that's why he was asking for space, or was it just a "I need space to work out how to end things for good" type of thing?

 

ETA: Thought of something else I wanted to ask

 

He's away until next weekend, and by the following Thursday it will have been the 4th week since he was last at my house.

If I don't hear from him beforehand, I am going to text him on that Thursday (4 weeks since we last saw each other) and ask him to come over for a couple of hours, as on the phone the last time we spoke, he said he would come and see me when he got back - but we agreed that we need to be friends primarily, where he comes over for a general chat, we get on but then he goes home - this sleeping together stuff isn't right and needs to stop. If something develops from being friends then great, if not then at least we're friends and there isn't all the stress we've been going through for the past 6 weeks.

 

I know you will all say I shouldn't contact him but I'm definitely going to...all I need to know is what to say to him - I'd usually say something negative, like "I know you've probably enjoyed not hearing from me and have decided you'd rather not see me again, but could you at least pop round for a couple of hours this evening like you said you would on the phone the other week?"

I'd say this, as that's what I'm worrying he's thinking and don't want to be all chatty and friendly and ask him over in a more positive way, in case he just says "no" and I'm left disappointed.

 

BUT when I text him next Thursday, should I just try and be different, and just send a text along the lines of "hey, so do you fancy that coffee?" or "are you free this evening?"

Edited August 16, 2013 by Sapphyre

[thora-tiki]

Do not meet Mr. A*shat McDouche in your home or at his lame houseboat.

 

If you have to meet him (if he agrees to meet with you), meet him at a coffee shop or another public place.

 

This will help him keep his penis to himself.

 

I know, I know, you are doing all the persuasion (like a twisted Jane Austen novel) like you wrote:

«again, me going on and on about it til he came upstairs».

 

You are over-thinking everything because he is playing you.

 

Yes, he is. All this, «aw-shucks, I don't know... »

kicking a rock with his stupid foot.

Is just an act.

 

Fu*king guy!

 

You are being played. Wake the fu*k up!

 

Stop having sex with him!

His penis is not magic.

It will not bring you closer or make him make up his mind.

 

Bahaha! Magic penis!

 

I really think you should give him a complete time out. No contact!

 

Thinking, worrying and wondering will only drive you crazy.

Use no contact to find out his true feelings once and for all.

 

Plus, when you are NOT nagging him for a yes or no answer, but instead seem to be surviving without him, this helps him to sort his feelings faster.

 

For you right now it's really a matter of finding your self worth.

Realise that you are a good and loving person and you don't deserve anything bad happening to you from him. Most often it's like the abused wife syndrome where you find yourself going «Yeah, he beats me - but he buys me flowers».

 

It's not right!

 

No contact draws a line in the sand, but if you let your ex/or what ever he is smudge that line and attempt to erase it, that shows a lack of respect for you, and your feelings.

 

Everyone will agree love is NOTHING without respect, right?

You can not build a real relationship without mutual respect for each other.

 

So, we have now ascertained that your ex/or whatever he is doesn't respect you, and this is all about him, and what he wants - nothing else.

 

He's not interested in starting a relationship with you (at the moment), just stopping you from moving on.

 

No contact does wonders for both parties - especially on us!

And sometimes in ways we don't understand.

 

We see things happening around us, on this forum, we see some couples getting back together, we see others not getting back together, but feeling great about it, etc.

 

And we want something to happen.

 

For me that something has more to do with me. No contact is about and for me. I need to recover. I need to become a better, more confident person. It is irrelevant what he is doing or thinking.

 

And after my no contact time, if my ex hasn't evolved himself,

I don't want him.

 

Really hope you reach out to someone you trust, since I really think you need to talk to someone about your last «relationship» with

Mr. A*shat McDouche.

 

Like my mum says: Talk to a grown up.

I am in my early thirties, and still I follow those wise words.

 

I bet your family or friends would love to listen to you and show you support. :-)

 

What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

 

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

[Sapphyre]

Umm...well that was a bit harsh!

 

I already said the sleeping together thing wasn't right/working...I know I sound like one of those typical in-denial 'dumpees' as you guys like to call them in saying this, but I truly don't believe he's been feeding me lines to get laid.

He was married for 28 years to a woman that gave him zero affection and ended up cheating on him (I know this from a conversation I had with his daughter) and my own ex was very violent, abusive, controlling, the lot - he WAS after 'just sex' and fed me lines to get it, looking back I knew at the time what he was doing and can recognise it easier now, and this guy isn't doing that.

 

Anyway onto myself; well, counselling for one. I signed up for that about 6 weeks ago (before this guy ended things with me) as I have a lot of past 'stuff' from my childhood to work on, had my initial appointment and have my first 'proper' session next week.

 

I've also started my old spirituality stuff - meditation and all that, and also signed up for a couple of courses (horse riding, ballet) that I used to do when younger but gave up and have always wanted to restart.

I also have a college course starting in September, which will take me in a new career direction.

 

I'm not hankering after this guy, but I do believe we have good friendship potential at the least; not sure whether my feelings were ever 'proper' relationship feelings, as thinking back I seemed to enjoy the comfort of being hugged for example, rather than sleeping with him and doing all that other stuff.

 

He is a genuine good guy; I know a couple of exes of his (one from 2 yrs ago, one from 6 yrs ago) through mutual friends and know from them that he's good friends with them, still treats them well AS FRIENDS etc and I know he'll never hurt me or mess me around...in fact it really has been me leading all this weird stuff, he's been saying he should stay away with me as when he's here he fancies me and wants to sleep with me, but doesn't want to be 'that guy' and it's been me nagging him to come over - I really don't think it was manipulation on his part at all.

[Emilia]

You are over-thinking everything because he is playing you.

He is not playing her. She keeps nagging and begging and he finally gives in. OP, a bit of self respect would go a long way, please don't behave like this. Doormat behaviour is embarrassing.

[Sapphyre]

I'm not, Emilia.

 

I have OCD and I was thinking yesterday that maybe that had something to do with it all; also possibly anxiety my GP suggested, which is partly what the counselling is for (and partly for my past as I mentioned earlier).

 

The silly thing is, most of the times I was nagging at him to come over and he flat out refused, I kept pestering (and he kept refusing), even though I knew he couldn't really come over anyway because I wouldn't have got ready in time for him to do so! So even if he'd have agreed, I'd have had to run round like a crazy thing getting my usual evening housework routine, done in time for him to come over.

 

So why was I bothering to argue? These are the things I've been able to think about whilst we've had these few days of no contact. He's been on my mind 3 days our of the 5 since we last spoke, but not all day - he pops into my head 3-4 times a day max; which is still a lot, but less than last week, for example

 

And when I have thought about him, it's in a sad "well it's finally over then" kind of way; as I really feel he won't want to see me again, I'm also kind of not sure I DO want to see him again, but sort of want to at least once more just to 'test' how I feel when he's here.

 

Sounds crazy I know, but hey.

 

So - as I AM going to contact him next week and it will have been 4 weeks since we last saw each other; should I play my usual "I know you won't want to but can you come and see me" card, or be more casual and positive about it and just say "hey, hows was your trip? Do you fancy that coffee?" kind of thing and just suck it up if he says no? I'm not great with rejection but need to work on that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Let the guy be. Your relationship was toxic. Just let the thing die and move on.

[Zahara]

Pretty sad thread. I'm feeling embarassed for you, OP. There's nothing worse than a woman chasing a man. It's a the quickest way to lose your value.