snowflake Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 What would be your advise for a wife whose' 51 year old husband left his his family after 27 years of a normal and good marriage for a married childless 29 year old woman (only 3 years older than our son)? He gave no reasons, he just said he is in love... It helped him to impress her with an expensive car, money, gifts and status but now they rent a small place and plan to build a house for them-self instead for his family as originally planned. Strangely I do not hate him but think how stupid he became and does not see what others see that he is buying her...I do not get it why he is destroying his own family plus what we have built for those 27 years for a selfish excitement...I and our children want him back once this "sickness" is over...Is it realistic? It has been now 3.5 months since he has left. NC in this case? Not easy - 27 years is more than a half of life plus there are so many practical issues to be decided; so we are in contact - for the past 2 months only when he calls... I look good and much younger than my real age is and always got compliments about it in his presence and he was always proud of us all until this summer. It looks he is starting a new chapter of his life and what has been before is a history. I am taking anti-depressants and going for therapy but still I am so desperately alone in this new country where I know nobody and feel how unfair it is that that new person may get everything what we have worked and sacrifices for together....
Merin Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 Sounds like hubby is going through a MidLife crisis... I'm so sorry for your pain.. I know this must be tearing you up. Your husband has made his decision.. and regardless if it's the right thing to do, it's what he has chosen. I believe this has little to do with you.. it isn't because of what you've done or didn't do.. it's that your husband is trying to recapture his youth and being with his new girlfriend makes him feel that way. I know you're hoping that eventually he will come back around... and who knows, maybe in time he will want to. However you CAN'T sit on the sidelines waiting and hoping for that to happen. If you haven't already done so.. I would advise you to file for a legal seperation. It isn't okay or right for your husband to have everything the two of you have aquired together over the last 27 years and spend it all on someone other than your children and yourself.. with a legal seperation your husband will be forced to financially be responsible for his actions.. and sad to say.. that is where a lot of people "live" know what I mean? Keep up with the counseling.. IMHO The biggest mistake you can make right now is to do NOTHING and wait it out... he may never want to return to the marriage and you know given enough time and a different perspective you may decide that even if he wanted to return that you've moved on and no longer want him. Take care of yourself.
SoleMate Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 How painful, I'm very sorry. I have just a little advice and maybe some comfort for you: * Definitely see a lawyer. Not necessarily for separation, but at a minimum to protect yourself financially and learn which laws apply. (Is there any chance he wanted you to move to a new country with divorce laws less favorable to the wife?) You may need to talk to lawyers in both the old and new country. * The lawyer(s) can also advise you whether you have any way to delay a divorce, or what actions might encourage him to come back. They're not counselors, but they have seen what happens when men realize the financial costs of a divorce * It's possible your H may realize that he will not be able to retain enough of your joint assets to keep buying this young lady off forever (if that is what is happening). That might bring him back * It sounded as if he has not filed for divorce. That's good news for you. He's not yet ready to put all his eggs in the new lady's basket * You will need to be strong to continue to be a wife that he wants to come back to. In other words, you can't give him what he deserves (the same pain he has given you), because then, unfairly enough, it will drive him further away. Please see <URL removed> for good advice on coping with an affair and threatened divorce * I do think there is some hope of getting him back, especially if their relationship goes downhill, but I do think that you should also be prepared for a final ending Job 1 is to protect yourself financially by seeing a lawyer at once.
Author snowflake Posted November 7, 2004 Author Posted November 7, 2004 Thank you for the encouraging words and I am happy I have found this web site. Yes, he is in the middle age crisis but it looks he feels this new relationship is worth to destroy what he has built so far. Him, I and the children will be the losers if we divide our estates and the worst part is that the excitement of that new relationship will eventually wear off and she may start to cheat on him - he cannot stop aging process. But she has no reason to leave him because he pays for everything and gives her a lifestyle she could just dream of... I just do not understand him why he does not want to share his success and the financial reword with his family who helped him and sacrificed so much and is giving to the other woman who did nothing for it. She is not even beautiful-only young. I still have feelings for him and appreciate what he has achieved and it is what is keeping me from a drastic action yet because it takes so many years to built up anything and in one day can be ruined. I also see that it is necessary to get the right lawyer involved who will get the most for me which is not easy if the laws here are not updated for these situations yet.
Merin Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 Originally posted by snowflake Thank you for the encouraging words and I am happy I have found this web site. Yes, he is in the middle age crisis but it looks he feels this new relationship is worth to destroy what he has built so far. Him, I and the children will be the losers if we divide our estates and the worst part is that the excitement of that new relationship will eventually wear off and she may start to cheat on him - he cannot stop aging process. But she has no reason to leave him because he pays for everything and gives her a lifestyle she could just dream of... I just do not understand him why he does not want to share his success and the financial reword with his family who helped him and sacrificed so much and is giving to the other woman who did nothing for it. She is not even beautiful-only young. I still have feelings for him and appreciate what he has achieved and it is what is keeping me from a drastic action yet because it takes so many years to built up anything and in one day can be ruined. I also see that it is necessary to get the right lawyer involved who will get the most for me which is not easy if the laws here are not updated for these situations yet. When situations like this happen.. no one ever really "Wins" You're right, the excitment of the honeymoon phase with this other woman will eventually begin to diminish as in time it does in every relationship.. and of course that is when you have to have something more solid to keep the relationship thriving.. who knows what will happen there. Why he doesn't want to share his success and financial reward with yourself and your children is obvious at this time.. he is being incredibly selfish and self absorbed in doing what HE wants to do for HIM.. and that includes supporting his new girlfriends lifestyle.. yes she is reaping the rewards of it right now.. but it really isn't even about him wanting to share his life success with this woman.. I believe he gives her what does and has as a means of keeping her.. that is just sad. Again, I strongly encourage you to seek legal counsel.. 27 years together.. I cannot imagine you walking away with nothing. Best to you
sowflake Posted November 7, 2004 Posted November 7, 2004 Merin2 I think you are right about this non-sharing with his family. This has never occurred to me it could be like that. Thanks for looking at the problem from a different angle which is so helpful to me.
Merin Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by sowflake Merin2 I think you are right about this non-sharing with his family. This has never occurred to me it could be like that. Thanks for looking at the problem from a different angle which is so helpful to me. You're Welcome.. hang in there;)
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