If you would be/were "outed"

[Owl]

OK...gonna throw out my own actions during my wife's EA.

 

Wife was having an EA, online mostly, with someone she'd never met in person. On d-day, convinced she was in love with him, she agreed to letting him buy tickets for her to fly to the other side of the country so that she could go live with him...even though they'd never met in person, their EA was only a few months long, and there were a number of "red flags" about the situation. She was set to fly out a few days later.

 

The day after d-day, I 'outed' her to everyone. Her friends, her family, my family, etc...

 

The message I communicated was simple. I didn't want her to leave and fly there to be with him. One...had she done so, our marriage would have been over. It was a boundary on my part. Two, she didn't truly 'know' this guy...she only knew him from the internet. He could have been ANYONE. But she wouldn't listen to me on that subject...because clearly I had vested motive for her not to go.

 

So I asked her friends and both her and my family members to talk with her...to get her to stop and calm down and think, rather than to react. To look at what she was doing, what the risks were, and what the outcomes of her actions were gonna be.

 

It was a large part of the factors that went into her not getting on the plane. She started to have doubts...OM got pissed off when he sensed that, and in a pique told her not to come to him. And it all eventually led to the end of the affair, and our recovery.

 

It wasn't 'gossip' spread for the hell of it. It wasn't an attack done out of anger or spite to 'get even with her (or him)'. It wasn't idle chit-chat intended to shame her into behaving like a good little girl .

 

It was a calculated move on my part, with the direct intent to create both the short and long term impacts that it had. To open her eyes to the potential danger of what she was considering short term, and longer term to get her to stop and consider what her actions were going to do to us longer term as well.

 

It worked. Quite effectively.

 

And...my wife now knows exactly what I did, and why.......and is damned glad that I did. She didn't agree with it for a good while when it happened...nor did I expect her to. I knew she'd be pissed. I figured that risk was less than the risk of not doing it.

 

We're happily recovered now. It was an effective tool that contributed to us getting her. I have zero regret with doing it.

 

There ya go.

[Got it]

There's a big difference between nicknames that are the result of an image you have intentionally or carefully cultivated that works for you and gossip that you are doing something that most people see as a negative aspect of character.

 

I agree that you cant go around caring what every single person says or thinks about you and in the absence of information, people frequently make it up to entertain themselves and feed the gossip mill. But, if you have an A and everyone knows it, then they are not really making it up and it will be character defining in many places.

 

Yes I recognize that, the point was not about the nickname but of the nature of what I do that would create the nickname. Darth Vader is not the nickname of someone that is running for Homecoming committee.

 

But since very few people are "in the know" and since many people will run at the mouth without having the full story, I tend to discredit gossip in its entirety. I see it at work there is an issue and an investigation and while you know all the pieces it is amazing what bs bubbles up based on half knowledge, speculation and just out and out fantasy.

 

People talking is like the telephone game, it is rarely correct. There may be a kernel of truth to it, and that is important, it is usually surrounded by bs.

 

I guess in regards to affairs, inappropriate behavior, etc. it is just so common in the workplace maybe for me it just isn't that shocking. The tales I could tell of some outrageous behavior. It makes a run of the mill affair seem like child's play.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm not 1 for the whole tell the world thing. My business is my business and I'll tell the people who need to know and who I need to know. That's how I felt with my xH when I left him for his A.

 

As an OW I didn't really care what she did. I refused to lie to anyone about our R. My family and friends knew him and that he was M. Any of my work associates knew too. He was the one with a secret, not me. There wasn't really anything she could have done to me that would have caused a problem. She threatened it and I think she was pretty surprised I didn't quake in my boots. The one thing I said was she wanted to be careful because where I had nothing to hide, she may not want her dirty laundry tossed out. I'm the type that if she struck out I'd strike back -- especially if she struck at me and was lopsided about it. Meaning if she protected dMM and was out only to destroy me.

 

As always I think people should be careful when scorching earth that the fire doesn't slip back under their own feet. No matter what party you are there are no actions without reactions.

[Summer Breeze]

I am not so stupid to think my colleagues never suspected anything. The exOM was though. As for whether people think I am a "crappy person", well I hate to let you down but I know I am respected and liked at work.

 

 

Oh dear, I am sure you are liked and possibly respected for your work, but you know how it is...we think, she is a nice person but she yells at her kids, or he is a good worker but he has no sense of humor- and right there at the top of this list, sadly especially for women- she is a good worker, but she had an affair with X -you are damaged, less than and in the eyes of the men easy-its just the way it is, we all judge, we all have things we are judged upon -sadly for women, being in an affair is among the worst things you can do-other women scorn you, men think you are easy-

 

I'm glad I don't live in your world. The people I know may have passing judgements about some things but I've never heard one of them say a person was damaged or easy because they had an A. MM and MW get a rougher ride but even that correlates to the type of R they had with them.

[Summer Breeze]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

 

In my company they'd be fired. Just like a M couple would be for having sex at work. No difference. They're having sex in the office and they're outta here.

[Summer Breeze]

...sometimes it's what you Don't hear...

 

I'd like to think that if more of us spoke out against the gossip mongers the less it would happen.

 

But then, I know I have become the topic for exactly doing the above... arrrgh

 

But if you don't hear talk about other people why assume there's talk about you? LFH mentioned that her friends don't do gossip and the like. No one I socialize or work with do either. I know for a fact about some things happening in lives of people who I socialize with and other than a cursory 'is x ok?' there's nothing. It's not important. I always look at people who talk about others as dangerous because you never know what they say about you but when people don't gossip as a rule, and haven't for the last 20 years, why would I think their silence is a problem?

 

I don't think any of us are too sophisticated or anything else. It's not important.

[ComingInHot]

I Do understand what you're saying.

[So happy together]

Total T/J... sex in the workplace. I just keep thinking of 9-5 when Dolly Parton was being chased around the desk by Dabne Coleman. Lol!

 

I am self employed so I don't really have to worry about workplace affairs. But... when I do hear of an affair I don't talk about it with everyone, and I'm wary of the person that told me, unless it is my best friend.

[tinker683]

My ex and I broke up before her fiance found out about us. I moved an hour away and have no seen or heard from them in a long time. My understanding is they both broke up shortly thereafter so I have no idea whats going on with either of them.

 

But if it did turn out that I was outed and someone came to confront me about it, I'd own up to it completely and accept whatever judgement they wanted to pass on to me.

 

I was man enough to sleep around with another man's woman, I'm man enough to take the consequences for said action

[cocorico]

Exactly so, Spark. The posters who believe that workplace gossip does not exist or that their particular workplace is too sophisticated/cosmopolitan/ intelligent for it, are only fooling themselves, and ditto for those posters who think that an affair does not affect your reputation within your workplace. As a former member of the Armed Forces (possibly the largest workplace of all) and a present member of the academic community, I have seen it happen too many times to count. Gossip is universal, and crosses all strata of society. It has ruined more reputations, caused more workplace drama, reduced efficiency and harmed more personal lives , than just any other single cause. This should give pause to BOTH the persons involved in an affair and the BS who would out the affair.

 

I thought you were a schoolteacher? I did not realise you had joined the academic staff of a university. Congratulations on the promotion!

[cocorico]

I was a very private person at work, so every time I had coffee with anyone, rumours would start. Even though coffee was just the setting for boring old working meetings. Gossip happens in the workplace. Most of it is frivolous and of no substance. Any real truth quickly gets lost in amongst the mindless speculation about which of the senior management team would be best in bed, and who got the biggest salary increase. It's like Big Brother - intensely gripping for ten minutes, then forgotten forever.

 

Can't say I ever lost any sleep over any gossip.

[Got it]

I'm not 1 for the whole tell the world thing. My business is my business and I'll tell the people who need to know and who I need to know. That's how I felt with my xH when I left him for his A.

 

As an OW I didn't really care what she did. I refused to lie to anyone about our R. My family and friends knew him and that he was M. Any of my work associates knew too. He was the one with a secret, not me. There wasn't really anything she could have done to me that would have caused a problem. She threatened it and I think she was pretty surprised I didn't quake in my boots. The one thing I said was she wanted to be careful because where I had nothing to hide, she may not want her dirty laundry tossed out. I'm the type that if she struck out I'd strike back -- especially if she struck at me and was lopsided about it. Meaning if she protected dMM and was out only to destroy me.

 

As always I think people should be careful when scorching earth that the fire doesn't slip back under their own feet. No matter what party you are there are no actions without reactions.

 

Yes, this is what I advise for the scorched earth tactic. During their divorce she subpoenaed me and the company. Okay, every right. I lawyered up to know my rights and was not worried about my deposition. We also tracked down her AP and my husband was ready to have him subpoenaed if she moved forward on things. You want your day in court (what she kept saying) she was going to get it but it wasn't going to only be one side of the story. He never went public with her affair but was ready to if need be.

 

Subpoenas were dropped and the divorce finalized in mediation.

[Owl]

Yes, this is what I advise for the scorched earth tactic. During their divorce she subpoenaed me and the company. Okay, every right. I lawyered up to know my rights and was not worried about my deposition. We also tracked down her AP and my husband was ready to have him subpoenaed if she moved forward on things. You want your day in court (what she kept saying) she was going to get it but it wasn't going to only be one side of the story. He never went public with her affair but was ready to if need be.

 

Subpoenas were dropped and the divorce finalized in mediation.

 

SMART! And a prudent move on his part!

[JustJoe]

And if this is the case, it matters to you why????

 

I am sure you know some less than flattering things about others. Do they wear a mental scarlet letter in your mind? In some areas, yeah I can see that transcending a fellow soldier that completely lets down his fellow soldier and puts them in danger and/or causes a death. Sure that would definitely transcend.

 

But actions that in no way impacted your involvement with said individual?

 

Why does the opinions of people who aren't in your life matter at all to you?

I never said that it mattered, I said that it existed. Now there are some of my wife's former "friends", who dissed her terribly during our A, and it hurt her very deeply, but , buy dint of hard work and self-improvement, nobody can question her now. So it's all good around the JustJoe Hacienda.

[JustJoe]

I thought you were a schoolteacher? I did not realise you had joined the academic staff of a university. Congratulations on the promotion!

Thank you so much. I'll tell my wife and boy will she be surprised!

[anne1707]

LOL, perfect Joe, you did not take the bait of the slam on being "just a school teacher" as opposed to a university professor....as a "school teacher" I picked up on the subtle slam that we are not part of academia....

 

The arrogance of it all. But then not surprised at the source.

 

Nobody gets to "academia" without good school teachers behind them giving them the confidence and ability they need

[Got it]

I never said that it mattered, I said that it existed. Now there are some of my wife's former "friends", who dissed her terribly during our A, and it hurt her very deeply, but , buy dint of hard work and self-improvement, nobody can question her now. So it's all good around the JustJoe Hacienda.

 

Really? So you are so special she won't cheat on you? Nice to know some of us get the pass of once a cheater not always a cheater and not just from staying and reconciling. Good to know.

[anne1707]

Really? So you are so special she won't cheat on you? Nice to know some of us get the pass of once a cheater not always a cheater and not just from staying and reconciling. Good to know.

 

Apparently she is so special that she is universally loved whilst I am seen by those around me as damaged and easy. Well according to JJ's PMs when I questioned him on his attitude to me.

[awkward]

Really? So you are so special she won't cheat on you? Nice to know some of us get the pass of once a cheater not always a cheater and not just from staying and reconciling. Good to know.

 

Her cheating or not cheating really doesn't have anything to do with JJ. I read it as she did the hard work so she won't cheat again.

[awkward]

Apparently she is so special that she is universally loved whilst I am seen by those around me as damaged and easy. Well according to JJ's PMs when I questioned him on his attitude to me.

 

I don't think your damaged. I think you are an asset to this community.

[anne1707]

I don't think your damaged. I think you are an asset to this community.

 

Thank you

[JustJoe]

LOL, perfect Joe, you did not take the bait of the slam on being "just a school teacher" as opposed to a university professor....as a "school teacher" I picked up on the subtle slam that we are not part of academia....

Yep, kind of like we are Junior Varsity or something.

[JustJoe]

Really? So you are so special she won't cheat on you? Nice to know some of us get the pass of once a cheater not always a cheater and not just from staying and reconciling. Good to know.

Can't leave me alone, can you? Admit it, you are swept away by my boyish good looks and charm.

[JustJoe]

Apparently she is so special that she is universally loved whilst I am seen by those around me as damaged and easy. Well according to JJ's PMs when I questioned him on his attitude to me.

Anne, I've tried and tried to explain that I NEVER MEANT YOU, PERSONALLY. So if you are going to continue to have a case of the cobbles about it, Phooey on yooey.

[JustJoe]

Thank you so much. I'll tell my wife and boy will she be surprised!

BTW, I may be wrong, and I probably am, being that I'm JUST a HS teacher, but aren't a lot of these newer Charter and Religious High Schools called Academies? Hummmm, certainly gives a person something to think about, doesn't it.