If you would be/were "outed"

[Red Wolverine]

I told his wife. Who she told is her business.

 

I don't see the point in telling everyone or including workplaces but every situation is different.

 

If she had decided to share this information with my stbx, called my work, or pounded on the front door, I would have worked my way through it.

 

Once I made the decision to tell her the truth, I was also making the decision to face any and all consequences. That's what remorse, not revenge, is really about.

[JustJoe]

Adultery is rarely a crime yet people die from acts of violence every day because of it.

 

If a man walks in on his wife in bed with another man and KILLS them, he can only be charged with manslaughter. Even the courts realize the extreme emotional distress of such a situation.

 

if someone abuses a child, their face appears in the newspaper to see if other children come forward; same with those charged with rape.

 

people gossip constantly about others, especially those who pose a threat to a lifestyle that makes them feel safe.

 

In the burbs, it may be gossiping about those who threaten marriage and family.

 

In more cosmopolitan areas, it may be about the new boss who wants to fire you and bring in his own people.

 

When DDay struck and I fell apart, every person who loved me wanted to know WHO the OW was. Why would I protect the identity of someone I did not know who had helped to hurt us so?

 

As for work, yes, you can be fired for an affair with a co-worker. It depends how messy it gets. Corporations HATE mess related to personal lives gossiped about the office. Some institutions forbid it.

 

Also, if any workplace resource is used to conduct an affair, that is theft of services.

 

The head of the American Red Cross and an employee were fired for using tax-exempt donations to use company phones to speak to each other. same with politicians. Buh-bye.

 

telling others? Why not? why the expectation of privacy? in fact, so many knew, suspected waaaay before I did.

 

I felt like a total idiot. Ahhh, love is blind!

Exactly so, Spark. The posters who believe that workplace gossip does not exist or that their particular workplace is too sophisticated/cosmopolitan/ intelligent for it, are only fooling themselves, and ditto for those posters who think that an affair does not affect your reputation within your workplace. As a former member of the Armed Forces (possibly the largest workplace of all) and a present member of the academic community, I have seen it happen too many times to count. Gossip is universal, and crosses all strata of society. It has ruined more reputations, caused more workplace drama, reduced efficiency and harmed more personal lives , than just any other single cause. This should give pause to BOTH the persons involved in an affair and the BS who would out the affair.

[ComingInHot]

...sometimes it's what you Don't hear...

 

I'd like to think that if more of us spoke out against the gossip mongers the less it would happen.

 

But then, I know I have become the topic for exactly doing the above... arrrgh

[JustJoe]

...sometimes it's what you Don't hear...

 

I'd like to think that if more of us spoke out against the gossip mongers the less it would happen.

 

But then, I know I have become the topic for exactly doing the above... arrrgh

I doubt it, CIH. They are Legion. The best you can do is become Teflon and try not to get any garbage to stick to you.

[velvette]

]...sometimes it's what you Don't hear[/b]...

 

I'd like to think that if more of us spoke out against the gossip mongers the less it would happen.

 

But then, I know I have become the topic for exactly doing the above... arrrgh

 

 

exactly..........if you are known to be in an affair people are not gossiping about your affair or others until you turn your back

 

same way they will not tell you the affair affected your career if it does

[JustJoe]

Thank you! That is exactly what I was saying, it affects everyone, it just does. I am not in to gossip, I am the one that nods or says, none of my business and moves on, but the simple fact that even I hear gossip means it is indeed universal. Joe had it right, I don't care if you think you are immune, you are not.

And I promise you that the Rockies are like any place else, we are very cosmopolitan here. I live in the fifth richest county in the country. We have a high percent of dual income families, we were voted the fittest state, we have more college educated people than most communities, we live life out loud, heck, we passed MJ and gay marriage...and gossip still abounds whether you participate or not, whether you want to hear it or not...

It is amazing just how clueless the supposed Cosmopolitans can be. During my A my MW was involved pretty heavily in Dallas politics, and they gossiped like fishmongers. LOL You want to hear gossip, go to a Spa or a Corporate meeting, and listen to what is being said (and unsaid) during breaks in the action. Since I've become a teacher, I've been to numerous faculty meetings, seminars and the like, and let me tell you , they chop each other up like a nuclear powered Ginsu. But, of course , some posters are far too PROFESSIONAL to be affected............... Sure they are.

[ComingInHot]

Just Joe wrote, "some posters are far too PROFESSIONAL to be affected............... Sure they are."

 

Joe, I am Not being argumentative here, I Promise

 

But your post, I was just thinking, maybe some posters here ARE Professional enough to Not be affected by idle gossip on the Off chance they Over hear it or not!?!?

 

Let's say, okay Gossip about some of the OW/OM's A's who have posted here writing it DOES happen and the OW/OM Do hear about it.

Maybe they are Professional enough, confident enough and really great at what they do that they can simply think, "SO WHAT". It might not matter to them either way. They are secure in their Job no matter what they do and secure in themselves to not care what Anyone says, especially co-workers gossiping about them at the water cooler.

 

Seems to me that if the above Is the case, then the gossip mongrels are letting something that is none of their business actually affect Their own job performance and putting them in jeopardy of more consequences than the AP...

 

just saying is all...

 

oh and I am definitely Not that secure and confident and I DO own my company. If people were gossiping horribly about me and I "found out" somehow, I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position in my office crying my eyes out...

Probably a good indicator I am not strong enough to cheat and/or Face the consequences of that act...

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am curious about this, and not trying to take a swipe at you, this is an honest and sincere question. Would you say the same thing if this pertained to a WS who was hurt by their BS? Would this still apply? I mean, if the WS is hurt by their spouse, there are a million different ways this could happen or play out, and that is the catalyst for the WS having an affair, does this still apply That the BS then has no say as to how they should have reacted, so the affair is within understandable behaviors? And if so, would that mean that the BS then could have no judgment or opinion on the behavior of having the affair?

 

 

 

An affair speaks to the people involved. It says not one thing about the betrayed.

 

If there are issues in a relationship there are healthy ways to deal with them, an affair is not one of them. An affair is a whole other kettle of F U.

 

Many ws and ap use the whole....well the bs was doing this defense. It just doesnt fly.

 

If I leave my car in my driveway for a year, let it get dirty, not change the oil, leave it to rot...and my neighbour..who admires it...steals it...does it make them any less of a thief???

 

An affair is emotional and mental abuse...plain and simple. Once every one understands that..the only question left is....is that who I want to be in this life...an abuser.

[ComingInHot]

LHF wrote, "That's often how affairs start. The marriage was neglected and left to rot."

 

The above, I think Can be true. The problem is (for me), many people don't realize their M has been rotting away... then OW/OM come along and that spark is like an explosion of feeling and emotions waking up after lying dormant for too long.

I feel SO bad when Married couples allow this to happen! I feel bad when an outsider comes in re-ignites that spark that was once a burning inferno for the spouse, only to have the whole thing go up in flames (often times). Everyone gets "burned".

 

Thing is, cheating, lying, deceiving, leading a double life, spark or no spark for your spouse, is wrong.

 

And the whole "outing" thing, regardless of which party does it, is in hopes that somehow, someway, the A will end, even when one party does the "tell, tell, tell the world" thing.

 

LHF, you are still my anomaly* but knowing your story as you've posted it here, I can understand where you're coming from.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It doesnt matter if the marriage was left to rot or not. It was the responsibility of both in that relationship to work on that..not an outsider.

 

Affairs are abuse. An ap condones/participates in that abuse.

 

How many men have used the whole...well...she knows I like my supper on the table at 6, why does she make me hit her.

 

Abusers are adept at blaming the one being abused.

 

Someone with self respect would never allow anothers actions cause them to be abusive towards anyone.

[wanting more]

 

And the whole "outing" thing, regardless of which party does it, is in hopes that somehow, someway, the A will end, even when one party does the "tell, tell, tell the world" thing.

.

 

Question (with no disrespect intended). If this is the Way you think the A will end, by telling everyone, is that really how you want to reconcile with your WH?

BSs tell family to get support, I understand. But saying that's the way to ensure the A stops or doesn't start up again, because everyone knows, I don't understand

[anne1707]

Let's say, okay Gossip about some of the OW/OM's A's who have posted here writing it DOES happen and the OW/OM Do hear about it.

Maybe they are Professional enough, confident enough and really great at what they do that they can simply think, "SO WHAT". It might not matter to them either way. They are secure in their Job no matter what they do and secure in themselves to not care what Anyone says, especially co-workers gossiping about them at the water cooler.

 

Seems to me that if the above Is the case, then the gossip mongrels are letting something that is none of their business actually affect Their own job performance and putting them in jeopardy of more consequences than the AP...

 

As I said in more than one of my posts in this thread, I do not think nobody suspected my affair and I am sure that as a result there would probably have been some gossip and yes, I am glad I do not know what was said as it would hurt me.

 

But I also think that after all this time, 5 years post the affair, that I am no longer a topic of conversation and that I am respected. I also am sure I am not seen as easy by the men I work with (they are too scared of me for a start ). I know some here would say that they do see me that way but then in turn some of those people then like to talk of other fWS as being universally loved. Seems a bit contradictory to me.

[Spark1111]

People aren't gossiping to YOU. The very nature of it is done behind your back, and if affair fog is real, you are oblivious to it!

 

Three months after DDay, I attended a lecture with him at his former office where she worked.

 

Every secretary's head was swiveling as they mouthed to each other, OMG! That's Mr. Spark's wife!

 

Every woman in that building was aware of the inappropriateness of their relationship.

 

c'mon!

 

I didn't seek revenge. I didn't want him back. I didn't care what he wanted.

 

I JUST WANTED some answers to the lies and deception of one year of my life.

 

I sought a divorce. I didn't care who knew. Why would I?

 

I only told people the truth of my situation.

 

After having been lied to, why would I lie, hide, omit anything to others asking a question?

 

Who would I be protecting? And why should I protect them?

 

It's IRRATIONAL to expect my protection from truth telling after what they both had subjected me to which was a year of lies, sneaking around, wining and dining and talking of true love.

[anne1707]

I feel as if I am bashing my head against a brick wall here.

 

Did I say people would gossip about me to me? No.

 

Did I say there was no gossip? No. I suspect there probably was.

 

Do they still gossip about me? Well to be honest if they do, I think that says a lot more about them than it does me.

[ComingInHot]

Wanting More, I really don't know?!?

I'm tryin to be open to all the different facets of the A dynamic. It helps me understand each view better, ya know?

 

I was thinking, if an A was brought to the light of the BS Before it had ended, I can see the BS telling Everyone about the AP in hopes of enlisting enough societal embarrassment that the two cheating parties will end it in shame.?.? This would/could be a BS REacting in hopes to save her M...

 

Is that how I personally would want to R with my H? Probably not... Yet I can see it happening to end the A and then gain the "sympathies" of "everyone" so if the M R's, the BS looks like the martyr and loving forgiving W or she has the support of "the town"* if she /he D's.

 

Wanting, I am thankful the A ended how it did & later when I found out, I reacted as I did. As far as A's and cheating H's go, I believe mine was handled appropriately by me.

 

I know the exOW would probably disagree.

[wanting more]

People talk About people everywhere. Its up to you of you want to get involved with it or not. It's also about how much you let it effect you.

 

Maybe that's why I feel the way I do about outing people in the workplace. Years ago I went to work with a black eye, broken nose and bruised up face. Of course I knew people were talking. My closest friends/coworkers knew what happened. They were the ones I cared about. They were the ones I cared about what they thought of me. My boss called me in his office, hinting about my appearance but not coming right out to ask. I told him what had happened. He told me go home and take done time for myself. I didn't. I went to work everyday, face going from black and blue to yellow and brown. I dealt with it. I never let it effect my work performance. I felt when people saw me still working, not hiding out that made them see I wasn't going to let this bring me down. (and at THAT time I did feel it was my fault what had happened). The talk died down rather quickly.

 

In my workplace now people are always talking. This one had an A, this one is overweight. This one is a horrible employee. This one is a bad patent. You know what, I dont give a shi* what people are saying About anyone.

 

If/when people talk about me, thats their issue. Had xMM BW sung like a bird to every coworker I have, that's her issue. My issue is dealing with my family, My BSO and my kids.

 

Calling my boss to say id had an A is one thing. If it were to be told in a story (that I think xMM BW really believes) which is not how things happened, then I would've told his workplace.

[Spark1111]

And at that moment in time I would not have cared if you did....

 

Just saying....

 

I don't gossip and have never cared who was gossiping about me. I conduct myself with honesty and integrity and always have.

 

I NEVER sought revenge or tried to break up his relationship with his OW. In fact, I wished him well and started contemplating divorce.

 

But he and she cheated, lying to me, our children, our friends, for over a year.

 

When I found out, I went crazy.

 

I won't apologize for it; not then, not now.

 

In fact, I am so proud I did not go crazier than I did.

 

I'm amazed at my restraint then. If you do not understand what happens when a spouse is blind-sided by discovering a secret affair, you are not living in the real world.

 

read the newspapers. Scary, scary stuff happens.

[velvette]

This whole convo has reminded me that my H OW threatened to go to my boss because I told her BS she was still contacting H after the A was over.

 

I thought that was sort of bizarre and not sure what she thought she would accomplish. When I told her go ahead, then she told me she was also going to tell all my friends the truth too. None of it made sense, but I guess everyone goes somewhat crazy in these situations.

[JustJoe]

Just Joe wrote, "some posters are far too PROFESSIONAL to be affected............... Sure they are."

 

Joe, I am Not being argumentative here, I Promise

 

But your post, I was just thinking, maybe some posters here ARE Professional enough to Not be affected by idle gossip on the Off chance they Over hear it or not!?!?

 

Let's say, okay Gossip about some of the OW/OM's A's who have posted here writing it DOES happen and the OW/OM Do hear about it.

Maybe they are Professional enough, confident enough and really great at what they do that they can simply think, "SO WHAT". It might not matter to them either way. They are secure in their Job no matter what they do and secure in themselves to not care what Anyone says, especially co-workers gossiping about them at the water cooler.

 

Seems to me that if the above Is the case, then the gossip mongrels are letting something that is none of their business actually affect Their own job performance and putting them in jeopardy of more consequences than the AP...

 

just saying is all...

 

oh and I am definitely Not that secure and confident and I DO own my company. If people were gossiping horribly about me and I "found out" somehow, I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position in my office crying my eyes out...

Probably a good indicator I am not strong enough to cheat and/or Face the consequences of that act...

CIH, it is rarely about what the individual thinks, but much more about what others think of him or her., and it can take years to change that opinion. Sometimes it NEVER changes. In any closed circle of human beings, people identify others using descriptors, and they can be good or bad. And sometimes they are permanent.

I have a friend from HS who once fumbled the ball 5 times in one game. We called him "ham hands" and still do, and it's been 25 years since that happened. He went on to have a stellar career in a major football college, played pro football and is now a great HS coach, with a tremendous w-l record. But to that one specific group, he is Hammy and will remain so.

I think that should definitely give people pause. If you (pl) are contemplating an affair, or in one, do you want that to be your legacy? Once you are marked with the scarlet letter, it is part of you. Whether it is pinned to your shirt or branded on your psyche. I was a very good officer. Not to brag, but I have a pretty fair amount of colored ribbons on the front of my dress coat to prove that I did my duty and did it pretty well. But there are some fellow officers, who will ALWAYS define me by the affair I had. I am no longer a soldier, and no longer around those persons, but I know , that there is, somewhere out there , people who still view me as such.

[JustJoe]

Conversely, it should also give pause to the BS's , as well. That is why it's a very good idea for the BS to try as much as possible , to sit down and calmly decide what it is they hope to accomplish by "outing" an affair to any body.

If all that you (pl) hope for is to end the affair, "outing "will do it, or at least the SECRECY of it. Will it help to reconstruct the marriage? IDK, that depends on a lot of variables which are specific to each situation. If what you want , is to use "outing " as a punitive measure, then it can do that very effectively, because, regardless of the desires of the WS, that will become a part of their legacy. If they don't care or if it is not important to them, then it's effectiveness is more limited. I think that most posters can agree that "outing" will have a lasting effect.

[Journee]

Lots of good points here.

 

I just wanted to throw my hat into the ring. For myself I can't see outing being helpful. I feel like I would be shaming my H and even though his actions were hurtful It wouldn't help either of our healing. I don't want to point and shout "Hey, look at this jerk!" At the time of discovery it was about he and I. OW disappeared into the ether and we were left with one another. If I felt I had to expose to everyone to end things ,I would actually had felt more violated. I am glad it didn't come to anything more than she and I meeting. OW had two children ,I had no interest in interfering with her job or anything of that nature. I even met her husband... what a crazy time that was.

 

Who knows how I would feel if things had went down differently. I really just wanted some answers and opportunity to move forward.

 

As far as the workplace A goes. I have seen and heard plenty of gossip about that in different positions. There was truth to some and complete nonsense to other rumors. I have been the subject of gossip myself. Especially after my promotion. I was the youngest woman to hold my title at the time and was thought to had *clears throat* sexed my way into my position. Laughable. I would have a larger salary if that was the case j/k! Seriously though, the times that the workplace affairs blew up people did talk. It impacted how subordinates looked at folks in management roles and led to a few trips to HR. The environment became so unprofessional that there were folks sent home and one that walked right out. It was wild. I don't think upper management knew how to handle this particular situation.

 

It's all just one big hot mess if you ask me. There is not any hard and fast rules in dealing with the aftermath of an A. People should be prepared for anything and not expect rational behavior in an irrational situation.

[Got it]

Lots of good points here.

 

I just wanted to throw my hat into the ring. For myself I can't see outing being helpful. I feel like I would be shaming my H and even though his actions were hurtful It wouldn't help either of our healing. I don't want to point and shout "Hey, look at this jerk!" At the time of discovery it was about he and I. OW disappeared into the ether and we were left with one another. If I felt I had to expose to everyone to end things ,I would actually had felt more violated. I am glad it didn't come to anything more than she and I meeting. OW had two children ,I had no interest in interfering with her job or anything of that nature. I even met her husband... what a crazy time that was.

 

Who knows how I would feel if things had went down differently. I really just wanted some answers and opportunity to move forward.

 

As far as the workplace A goes. I have seen and heard plenty of gossip about that in different positions. There was truth to some and complete nonsense to other rumors. I have been the subject of gossip myself. Especially after my promotion. I was the youngest woman to hold my title at the time and was thought to had *clears throat* sexed my way into my position. Laughable. I would have a larger salary if that was the case j/k! Seriously though, the times that the workplace affairs blew up people did talk. It impacted how subordinates looked at folks in management roles and led to a few trips to HR. The environment became so unprofessional that there were folks sent home and one that walked right out. It was wild. I don't think upper management knew how to handle this particular situation.

 

It's all just one big hot mess if you ask me. There is not any hard and fast rules in dealing with the aftermath of an A. People should be prepared for anything and not expect rational behavior in an irrational situation.

 

And that is the thing with gossip whether there is any validity to it or not is up for debate. The subject matter may be a complete figment of someone's imagination. So most mature individuals don't pay gossip much mind because it is not based on conformable facts.

 

If I wanted to gossip, and about information that I am privy to, there is a lot of dirt I could dish on coworkers, etc. But why would I? What on earth would I have to gain? Even if those are people that I found out talked about me? Unless it is the opinion of someone that matters to me, a boss, owner, etc. then I would address directly. Outside of that who cares?

 

I didn't care about gossip in high school and I sure as hell don't care about it as an adult.

[Got it]

Just Joe wrote, "some posters are far too PROFESSIONAL to be affected............... Sure they are."

 

Joe, I am Not being argumentative here, I Promise

 

But your post, I was just thinking, maybe some posters here ARE Professional enough to Not be affected by idle gossip on the Off chance they Over hear it or not!?!?

 

Let's say, okay Gossip about some of the OW/OM's A's who have posted here writing it DOES happen and the OW/OM Do hear about it.

Maybe they are Professional enough, confident enough and really great at what they do that they can simply think, "SO WHAT". It might not matter to them either way. They are secure in their Job no matter what they do and secure in themselves to not care what Anyone says, especially co-workers gossiping about them at the water cooler.

 

Seems to me that if the above Is the case, then the gossip mongrels are letting something that is none of their business actually affect Their own job performance and putting them in jeopardy of more consequences than the AP...

 

just saying is all...

 

oh and I am definitely Not that secure and confident and I DO own my company. If people were gossiping horribly about me and I "found out" somehow, I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position in my office crying my eyes out...

Probably a good indicator I am not strong enough to cheat and/or Face the consequences of that act...

 

But this is assuming this happens. What if you don't find out? Or what if they aren't gossiping horribly.

 

As a women in my position and age I guess the reason why this just hasn't affected me is that it isn't like I am not used to people talking period. I really don't care what they think but more about what those who's opinions matter think and what my results bring to the table. There are always going to be naysayers, gossip mongers and just bitter petty people, who on earth would I allow their opinion of me to matter. I deal with far worst hits than any discussion that would be about an affair. The funny thing is most of the gossip is untrue.

 

I learned at a very early age to develop a thick skin in the work place. There is the "real" you and then there is the "work" you/persona. Hits happen, you are put under fire, etc. and you can't let that affect you. How you handle pressure is what matters and how you come out of it.

 

So if I ever let the talkings of the payroll clerk or the AP specialist amount to anything in regards to my personal or professional life then shot me now. I am not cut out for what I am doing. My nickname is Darth Vader at work, my job isn't about winning popularity contest and no one, most especially the owners, would want me to.

 

So it really may vary based on who you are, what you are doing, and the role/industry you are in.

[Got it]

CIH, it is rarely about what the individual thinks, but much more about what others think of him or her., and it can take years to change that opinion. Sometimes it NEVER changes. In any closed circle of human beings, people identify others using descriptors, and they can be good or bad. And sometimes they are permanent.

I have a friend from HS who once fumbled the ball 5 times in one game. We called him "ham hands" and still do, and it's been 25 years since that happened. He went on to have a stellar career in a major football college, played pro football and is now a great HS coach, with a tremendous w-l record. But to that one specific group, he is Hammy and will remain so.

I think that should definitely give people pause. If you (pl) are contemplating an affair, or in one, do you want that to be your legacy? Once you are marked with the scarlet letter, it is part of you. Whether it is pinned to your shirt or branded on your psyche. I was a very good officer. Not to brag, but I have a pretty fair amount of colored ribbons on the front of my dress coat to prove that I did my duty and did it pretty well. But there are some fellow officers, who will ALWAYS define me by the affair I had. I am no longer a soldier, and no longer around those persons, but I know , that there is, somewhere out there , people who still view me as such.

 

And if this is the case, it matters to you why????

 

I am sure you know some less than flattering things about others. Do they wear a mental scarlet letter in your mind? In some areas, yeah I can see that transcending a fellow soldier that completely lets down his fellow soldier and puts them in danger and/or causes a death. Sure that would definitely transcend.

 

But actions that in no way impacted your involvement with said individual?

 

Why does the opinions of people who aren't in your life matter at all to you?

[velvette]

My nickname is Darth Vader at work, my job isn't about winning popularity contest and no one, most especially the owners, would want me to.

 

So it really may vary based on who you are, what you are doing, and the role/industry you are in.

 

There's a big difference between nicknames that are the result of an image you have intentionally or carefully cultivated that works for you and gossip that you are doing something that most people see as a negative aspect of character.

 

I agree that you cant go around caring what every single person says or thinks about you and in the absence of information, people frequently make it up to entertain themselves and feed the gossip mill. But, if you have an A and everyone knows it, then they are not really making it up and it will be character defining in many places.