If you would be/were "outed"

[wanting more]

I'm not going to get involved in a post that's on the other board right now (especially as an xOW) but I have a question for xOW/OM of current OW/OM.

 

Your A is discovered. The BS (your BS or MM BS) tells everyone you know, friends and people you work with.

 

What would you do?? How do you think you would handle yourself? What "consequences" do you think you'd suffer??

 

This always confused me when I read where people say "tell everybody, out the AP to anyone who'll listen, tell the world"

 

After my BSO discovered my A, he told his parents then told mine. (my brother and sister already knew) I actually told all my bosses (all 4) what was going on (xMM and I used to work together). My family didn't shun me. BSO parents didn't shun me. I wasn't an outcast at family outings. My bosses didn't look at me different (I've always done my job and always did a great job, it was even commented on that if xMM were still working there he'd have been let go, not me, even though he'd had 20 years seniority on me)

 

Maybe my situation is a little different (relationship at home with BSO) that even with people knowing I didn't suffer the consequences some people feel every OW/OM should suffer.

 

What do you think about "tell, tell, tell, Tell the world about your WS and the AP"??

[MissBee]

I think the result would be dependent on the people and their situation, some professions for example: preachers, politicians, people in the public eye, may experience lots more negative repercussions for something like that, than someone whose profession doesn't hinge on public perception or setting an example and things like that. I also don't think telling someone's employer is relevant in most cases, unless it's a case like the above or where the affair would be compromising the job.

 

I don't think most people's families and friends will shun them, but it also depends on what kind of family and friends you have and stuff like if the affair was with in-laws or something, or friends' spouses, then you may lose relationships over it.

 

But generally, no people do not stone those in affairs in the town square, unless it directly impacts them, but people may however change their opinions of you, even if they don't go out of their way to treat you differently. People will gossip about you probably and then move on. But it all really depends on the specifics of your life, your situation, the people you know etc.

 

In my own case, the fact that he was not married might have been one of the biggest reasons why it wouldn't have been looked at as terribly if it came to light and we were also long distance, so it just would be very hard for things to have any real impact if discovered. If we ran in the same circles it would have been a lot more awkward. I think these two things probably were why I could even do it: he wasn't married and we were LD. If I ran in the same circles with him, had mutual friends, knew his SO, and he was married, it would have been too close for comfort, I would have had to hide more and then the repercussions would be more relevant and real possibilities.

[whatatangledweb]

I told no one about my husband's affair. It effected three people only him, her, and me. If she had been married I would have told her spouse. But I never understand what good it would do to tell a bunch of people other than hurt the reputations of all of us. We all paid enough without that.

[whereamigoing]

xMM and I were outted years ago but I still don't know by who. He did not throw me under the bus. Instead they reached an agreement of sorts. She kept quiet about it...we have mutual friends and colleagues. Plus she was embarrassed about it. In exchange he agreed to have no contact with me. He was open about it with me. It wasn't what I wanted but I understood he had to do what he had to do. I didn't want him by default. After the fact I found that he refused to discuss me or the affair with her and there was never a real attempt at reconciliation. She wanted to protect the image of the marriage not the marriage itself (my outsider opinion). Plus the Jesus factor.

 

I didn't suffer any consequences, at least not yet. She has kept it to herself even though he and I are in LC as they move through divorce.

 

When I first found out that she knew I felt sick to my stomach. The pain I caused with my part of the betrayal was palpable. I WANTED to be punished. NC was part of that. I wanted a confrontation but it never came.

 

I cried on a friend's shoulder for a while but for the most part I sucked it up and put on my big girl panties while I tended the garden I had sown.

Edited August 16, 2013 by whereamigoing
spelling

[Got it]

I'm not going to get involved in a post that's on the other board right now (especially as an xOW) but I have a question for xOW/OM of current OW/OM.

 

Your A is discovered. The BS (your BS or MM BS) tells everyone you know, friends and people you work with.

 

What would you do?? How do you think you would handle yourself? What "consequences" do you think you'd suffer??

 

This always confused me when I read where people say "tell everybody, out the AP to anyone who'll listen, tell the world"

 

After my BSO discovered my A, he told his parents then told mine. (my brother and sister already knew) I actually told all my bosses (all 4) what was going on (xMM and I used to work together). My family didn't shun me. BSO parents didn't shun me. I wasn't an outcast at family outings. My bosses didn't look at me different (I've always done my job and always did a great job, it was even commented on that if xMM were still working there he'd have been let go, not me, even though he'd had 20 years seniority on me)

 

Maybe my situation is a little different (relationship at home with BSO) that even with people knowing I didn't suffer the consequences some people feel every OW/OM should suffer.

 

What do you think about "tell, tell, tell, Tell the world about your WS and the AP"??

 

I think the scorched earth tactic needs to be done with careful consideration. After my husband and his wife separated she found out, some months later we were back together. Well the gloves came off in the divorce and full exposure was the action du jour. The problem was, she cheated on him prior and did not show any remorse, she had little relationship with his family so trying to drum up their support fell on deaf ears, and needing to relay on his paycheck puts blowing things up at work difficult though it was attempted. It is also assumed that the workplace cares. Most don't. She also involved the kids, especially the oldest, and put them in the middle of it.

 

So, because of her lack of foundation with his family and her own transgressions it only solidified for him his desire to divorce and it actually pushed support my way; as odd as that may sound.

 

Now her mom went crazy on the campaign as well, talking about evil spirits, the devil and other craziness so again really didn't help the cause especially since she had said that her daughter's affair was his fault because he was working too much and never home (it was after 9/11 and he was in an industry hit hard by it so he was working hard to not be one of the many laid off).

 

So in our case, it probably had the opposite effect as intended.

[ComingInHot]

In my stitch, I needed the support of those around me to deal and get through. I told family and close friends. I believe it was their support that saved me from a spiral into years of darkness and wasted life.

It also helped minimize the and end thw gaslighting, & manipulation by H as everything he told me I relayed to these people and they, having clarity I didn't at the time) filtered the bs from the facts/truths. It always got back to my H, and he decided covering his own a$$ was just not worth it, working and making him look worse.

 

With exow, well, she wasn't the type to "lose" & when she wouldn't go away, More junk came out on her that ended up back to her employers leading to her termination and difficulty finding a new job and losing/damaging her social circle.

 

Did I "want" that for her OR me? I was humiliated, embarrassed and mortified at the A itself, but because of their consequences, I believe it helped them destroy their own lives which helped them rebuild Better, honest lives.

 

So telling who I needed to helped me but No, I didn't shout it from the rooftops, however word does get out. Rarely do I say this but not my problem. It was their A that everything happened...*

[Rose Auxerrois]

For the professor there is no consequence. It is the "academic way". Unless the lover a student, then committees. That can be tiring. But really it is nobody's interest but their own.

[wanting more]

In my stitch, I needed the support of those around me to deal and get through. I told family and close friends. I believe it was their support that saved me from a spiral into years of darkness and wasted life.

It also helped minimize the and end thw gaslighting, & manipulation by H as everything he told me I relayed to these people and they, having clarity I didn't at the time) filtered the bs from the facts/truths. It always got back to my H, and he decided covering his own a$$ was just not worth it, working and making him look worse.

 

With exow, well, she wasn't the type to "lose" & when she wouldn't go away, More junk came out on her that ended up back to her employers leading to her termination and difficulty finding a new job and losing/damaging her social circle.

 

Did I "want" that for her OR me? I was humiliated, embarrassed and mortified at the A itself, but because of their consequences, I believe it helped them destroy their own lives which helped them rebuild Better, honest lives.

 

So telling who I needed to helped me but No, I didn't shout it from the rooftops, however word does get out. Rarely do I say this but not my problem. It was their A that everything happened...*

 

I do understand telling people for support.

I guess it's when you hear or read someone saying tell, tell, tell. I read "have you told because she (OW) needs to suffer the consequences, whether that's losing a job, losing family and friends That's what I don't get. When my A was discovered I did suffer the consequences with my BSO, but I didn't lose family and I didn't lose my job.

[KathyM]

Personally, I think only the BS should be told, and it would be up to her/him to decide if anyone else should know. Some BSs feel incredible shame and embarrassment and don't want anyone to know. Others feel the need to tell those they are close to, friends and family, in order to have support and help in coping, and that is perfectly understandable. When my sister found out that her husband had cheated, she confided in me. She wasn't going to tell anyone, since she felt such humiliation and shame about the violation that was done to their marriage. Even though she herself did nothing wrong, somehow the BS often feels shame for them (husband and wife) as a couple. I kept asking her what was wrong, since she was so obviously depressed, crying and wracked with grief, and she finally told me, but swore me to secrecy and didn't want anyone else to know. After she divorced him years later, she told more people and went to a support group for women whose husbands had been unfaithful. So it's really up to the BS, and the people involved, who is told, and there is nothing wrong with the BS telling people who she feels she needs support from or who she feels is necessary to protect her marriage.

[wanting more]

I'm all for the scorched earth and outing policy. forever ever indiscretion their should be and will be consiquences.

 

What are the consequences you're looking for?

[Realist3]

What do you think about "tell, tell, tell, Tell the world about your WS and the AP"??

 

I think it is a load of juvenile crap. It is nobody's business but the involved parties.

[bentleychic]

First I will say up front that I don't think his W will ever do this. Mainly b/c she is huge on looks, what other people think about her, her life, etc. She wouldn't want that all out in the open. I may be VERY wrong, but everything that I've seen and know for a fact about her says that it is true (and is part of the reason that they are still together at this point).

 

However, if it did happen, I know my family (parents, siblings) would be disappointed. I live in a small town so I would likely be fuel for some gossip for a while. (We actually had coworkers do this very thing a few years back and that was the case.) There are not very many people that I care what they think, though, tbh.

 

It would not effect my job. It would potentially effect his (which is another reason I don't think she'd do it.).

[Speakingofwhich]

One thing I would think BS would want to think about before outing WS if they have children is how it would affect the children if everyone in the community knows about it.

 

I know that it may not be possible to control whether or not the news gets out into the community, though, even if there aren't attempts to let everyone know.

 

I agree that the BS needs support from those close to him/her and if they need to tell them I can surely understand that.

 

But, just hate to think what the kids would go through if it was told to the "world" as a way for WS to experience consequences.

 

I'm in an EA, not PA (not that EA is an acceptable way to live) and I'm not sure the W would want to out me or how she would go about it.

[So happy together]

Quote:

What do you think about "tell, tell, tell, Tell the world about your WS and the AP"??

I think it is a load of juvenile crap. It is nobody's business but the involved parties.

 

If the BS wants to out that is THEIR business- they can or can not out as they see fit. That is what you sign up for when you do things that you are not comfortable owning up to and which effect others so deeply. If this bothers you-

then maybe you should get out now while you can because once found out what happens next is totally out of your control- as it should be-

 

I have said it a million times, that is fine, if you would like to out the AP and WS. But be prepared that it opens the door for ALL parties to say what they know.

[wanting more]

I have said it a million times, that is fine, if you would like to out the AP and WS. But be prepared that it opens the door for ALL parties to say what they know.

 

This is so true. I really believe the BS is my situation thought she had all the "evidence" against me In the emails and phone calls she kept commenting on how it was all my fault, her WS was just a victim of my seductress powers.

 

Had she called my BSO right after d-day or my job, I couldve called his job. I could've sent the naked pics and videos he'd sent me (which she swore he would never send) to her and at least 2 of his kids (he'd emailed me from their accounts a couple times) and his boss.

 

Once again, I've dealt with my situation with my BSO and took the horrible name calling, questions, insults and threats from him ( and no, we're not R and never planned to) but I guess in my life with family, friends and work, I

never understood the "suffer the consequences" some people talk about. When I think About it now, I'm sure some coworkers realized we were in an A, but they never treated me differently

[ladydesigner]

I outed my WH's A with MOW. It had exactly the effect that I had hoped and I would do it again. That is my experience though I believe in consequences.

[So happy together]

This is so true. I really believe the BS is my situation thought she had all the "evidence" against me In the emails and phone calls she kept commenting on how it was all my fault, her WS was just a victim of my seductress powers.

 

Had she called my BSO right after d-day or my job, I couldve called his job. I could've sent the naked pics and videos he'd sent me (which she swore he would never send) to her and at least 2 of his kids (he'd emailed me from their accounts a couple times) and his boss.

 

Once again, I've dealt with my situation with my BSO and took the horrible name calling, questions, insults and threats from him ( and no, we're not R and never planned to) but I guess in my life with family, friends and work, I

never understood the "suffer the consequences" some people talk about. When I think About it now, I'm sure some coworkers realized we were in an A, but they never treated me differently

 

Yes, good post. Also, I've never, ever understood why ANYONE thinks it's okay to mess with someone's job over an affair. Those don't help anyone, and frankly it's just revenge tactics. How can anyone justify having someone fired and have them lose their home, their children possibly go hungry? I would never reveal to anyone what I know about their marriage (except what I've said here where it's anonymous), and there is a lot to know. She certainly wouldn't want me to sing like a bird.

[So happy together]

I outed my WH's A with MOW. It had exactly the effect that I had hoped and I would do it again. That is my experience though I believe in consequences.

 

I'm curious about this... what if he'd lost his job? You'd lost your home? Your children suffered? Would you feel differently? This is in no way a jab, I'm seriously asking.

[SidLyon]

I think it is a load of juvenile crap. It is nobody's business but the involved parties.

 

I agree about it being the business of the involved parties. As a BW very much "involved" (read affected) by the A, I outed the A.

 

It got outed to people I thought would want to know. In the OW's case I outed it to her and her BH's family, her (religious organisation) employer, the other MM she was having an A with and his family, as well as some colleagues.

 

As for my WH the A got outed to his family, my family and some friends, but not his workplace.

[MissBee]

I have said it a million times, that is fine, if you would like to out the AP and WS. But be prepared that it opens the door for ALL parties to say what they know.

 

I think this is a warning for all, especially the WS and AP who at least know what they're choosing before hand, whereas for the betrayed, sometimes their reaction is just that, reactionary, as it is all a big surprise when they find out and simply respond to it without always thinking or under great emotional stress.

 

If you choose an A you can't choose how the BS will respond if it comes out, so be prepared for anything and realize they will have absolutely no reason to be considerate of you and your family and job, as let's face it, the AP wasn't of theirs. Some BSs are people who can remain level-headed and take the high road or who will believe the A is just between them and their spouse, others won't, others will be vengeful, others will see it as something to tell one and all, and the AP unfortunately doesn't get to choose what kind of BS they get.

 

When you're in a love triangle which includes deceit, be prepared for anything when it's outed. Expect a dirty fight, but hope for the best. BWs may have to be prepared for bunny boilers their husbands brought to their doorsteps and the OW may have to prepare for a BS who is on the war path because of what she and her husband have done. Nothing about a secret A is fair. And in that vein when it is outed, all of a sudden one, esp not the AP and WS, can expect things should be fair or the BS should care about them and the larger picture and their family...I mean come on...did the WS and AP think about their own family and larger picture while knowingly choosing an A everyday? They chose the A knowing it could potentially lead to drama but did it anyway so they are not the victims at that point but it's a direct result of the actions they chose to undertake. If you lose your job and so on...well it wasn't for no reason...it was because of something YOU did...as if solely having an affair made you lose your job...the telling is only telling what you really did and what you really did was on you.

[ladydesigner]

I'm curious about this... what if he'd lost his job? You'd lost your home? Your children suffered? Would you feel differently? This is in no way a jab, I'm seriously asking.

 

I was not concerned about my WH or his business or even if MOW was to bring a sexual harassment suit. That was all on HIM. I am self-sufficient and can support myself and my kids. My children have already suffered from DDay and my WH's stupidity to let them play on his phone and intercept texts:mad:. What ended up happening is MOW lost her job, she lost her H, and she cannot afford to pay for her daughter's well being so her aunt has to step in to help. I'm not sure the A was worth all that.

[rumbleseat]

I think it is a load of juvenile crap. It is nobody's business but the involved parties.

 

 

I agree.

 

Since this is the case, then it means that it's no one's business who the decide to tell but the husband and wife involved.

 

While it may seem unfair if they tell anyone and everyone, that's up to them to decide.

[rumbleseat]

Yes, good post. Also, I've never, ever understood why ANYONE thinks it's okay to mess with someone's job over an affair. Those don't help anyone, and frankly it's just revenge tactics. How can anyone justify having someone fired and have them lose their home, their children possibly go hungry? I would never reveal to anyone what I know about their marriage (except what I've said here where it's anonymous), and there is a lot to know. She certainly wouldn't want me to sing like a bird.

 

Oh, so it's the fault of the betrayed spouse that the ow decided to get involved with a mm?

 

As for you singing like a bird, that would most likely be a double edged sword with the sharper edge directed at your neck, not hers.

[MissBee]

I am trying to understand:

 

I guess I would need a specific situation spelled out as without one it is too many variables. But let's say WS and AP work for the same place and the A is outed there, or even if not, let's say the BS just outs the AP at their job, I suppose those who chose to do this did it for a specific reason where they felt it would matter, as otherwise I cannot imagine how calling a job and saying "Your employee Janet was having an affair with a MM" would make a difference to most employers, unless it was a religious organization or something like that.

 

But let's just say BS tells everyone....

 

I don't really understand how the AP would retaliate. That is, unless the BS has committed some criminal acts or something that they have to go dig up and find, what are they gonna tell people about the BS? "She wasn't having sex with her husband" "She drinks a lot" I mean...I don't know what they could tell that would matter. And if you have been outed as the AP...when you come back to sing your songs, I think by then it will be very easy for people to dismiss you as angry you were outed so are just making up stuff and people will only be in for so much drama. I think the drama threshold may stop at hearing about the affair...but for the AP to show up saying "But listen to what I know about the BS" lol...I think people will be like yeah right...why should I? As by then your credibility has been decreased if you were outed first.

[wanting more]

My situation.

 

xMM BW discovers A. He's gaslighted her so much. She believes him that I was the seducer. I forced myself on him. I made him have sex with me. He never sent dirty texts. He never sent dirty pics. We never went away together. He never said he loved me. And she believes him. So she outs me. She calls my BSO. she calls my boss. She calls my coworkers. She tells them all the same thing. I stalked him. I seduced him. I was the aggressor.

 

So in turn I send the dirty pics and videos he sent me to get, her kids, her family. I forward his voicemails of ILYs. I want to be with you. Im working on leaving my wife.

 

These are not my words of what he said, it's his voice. It's his dirty pics and videos.

 

Is it going to make me look innocent. Absolutely not. But it'll show what a liar he is. It'll show his family how he's continuing to lie to his BW that he supposedly loves. It'll show her he's not who she thinks he is.

 

So in trying to out me, she and her family and his new employer will see him in a different light, and it won't have the impact just on me she was going for.