jmich Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Or is there someone else? I'm engaged and recently met someone that could be the man of my dreams. The wedding's not for a year, at least (it's just been postponed due to fighting, communication issues, etc unrelated to the new guy), and I don't know how I will KNOW what's right. Things are going better with the fiance, and for the first time in a long time, I could see being married to him, and committing to our relationship again. However, things are easier with the other guy. We've become really close friends, read the same types of books, have the same values, and finish each other's sentences. Even when I was happiest with my fiance, I thought something along the lines of "I don't think I could find someone to suit me better," but I think I have. Should I suck it up and honor my promise? Will I regret it? Personal stories from either side?
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Unless you're 99% sure your fiancé is the one for you, and you can make each other happy forever, don't do it! 7
sadwithouthim Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Who you marry is basically the most important decision of your life. You have the right to choose VERY carefully. Take it from someone who has been married to the wrong man for 18 very long years. Things you want to look at and take into consideration beforehand, that I never thought twice about in my young dumb years..... * How does he treat his mom, and other members of his family? How about the waiter/waitress, does he give decent tips? * Is he extreme on anything? The more balanced he is, the better. For instance, my husband is an extreme spender. We had to file bankruptcy because of HIS need for material things, to the tune of $50,000. in credit card debt. I SHOULD have seen this history in his family, but was not smart enough to look for these things. * If you plan on having children, see if you agree on things in this area, such as discipline, whether or not you work full time/part time, stay home, etc. That's all I can think of right now. I wish I could go back and change my mind now, so choose wisely. 3
Thegameoflife Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 If you have to ask strangers what to do with your life, then you probably aren't ready for marriage. There will always be someone that you can think amazing what if's about. Marriage is for people who think, "this is what is", and put their focus on their marriage. 2
TheDaysSlideBy Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I married the wrong person and have spent the seven years of our marriage struggling as a result. Now I find myself trying to justify divorce so I can move on to meet someone with whom life is not so damn difficult because of our differences. Someone I can respect and admire and fully love without wishing he were a vastly different person. Honestly, I wish the same for him and think we're both making each other unhappy at this point. Which is a sad, pathetic way of reiterating what sadwithouthim had to say: This is one of the most important decisions of your life. It's not necessarily final but if you take marriage as seriously as many of us do it will be an agonizing decision to end it if it comes to that. Best to take whatever time you need at the beginning to decide if you should even marry that person in the first place. My biggest piece of advice from my own experience is not to rush into marriage. I know your wedding's already been postponed but there's no harm in continuing to work on your relationship and yourself before making that big commitment. Whatever you do, don't feel like you have to "suck it up" and follow through on your promise to marry him just because you said you would. Breaking up a marriage will be a lot harder than breaking an engagement. Get married for the right reasons and with enough clarity to feel confident in your decision. You'll never know beyond a shadow of a doubt if you're making the right decision because who can predict the future, but you do have instincts and can make sure to ask yourself and him the right questions to make a more informed decision. I like the issues/questions sadwithouthim brought up and there are tons of lists of premarital questionnaires out there on the web that you might want to explore, both alone and with your fiance. When I married my husband I thought we were amazingly compatible and could envision our life together for the next 50 years. It didn't occur to me to do any premarital counseling because I just knew we'd pass all the tests. Stupid, naive, young me. The only trouble was that my vision of our future was very different from his but because we were too busy being in love and working on short term goals like buying a house we never really got into the nitty-gritty of what our life five, ten years down the line would be like. I also ignored things like his abusive childhood and tenuous relationship with his mother, not really stopping to think how those things still affect him and his ability to communicate, be open and expressive, etc. I wish we'd asked ourselves some of the tough questions then so we could have avoided getting to this point now. Whether that means we would have broken up or had to commit ourselves to regular counseling I don't know, but at least I would have gone into marriage with my eyes wide open. I do think that even if you marry a great guy who meets all the basic criteria there will always be someone out there more compatible. And that's ok. It's not settling to marry someone who isn't 100% perfect for you. A little incompatibility can be good for a relationship because who wants to marry an exact clone? If your relationship is going well and is strong enough you'll be so appreciative of what you do have and your history together that the next guy who comes along who may be more compatible will barely be a blip on your radar. Once you make that commitment you agree to forsake all others (unless you and your mate have a different arrangement, of course) so take that decision to commit seriously. Good luck with whatever you do decide! 2
dichotomy Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) have the same values Right there. It’s not about liking doing the same things (books, movies, etc.) but it is about same values and beliefs. Make a list of your key values and beliefs. Some random examples (may or may not apply to you): Sex -type/frequency/pleasing the other/keeping it going when the spark fades Religion - type beliefs Kids - number, when, how to raise Career/Jobs - Whats your goal, how important is this to each of you Money - Saver, spender, who manages? Expectations of roles - taking care of home, kids, paying bills, cooking, etc. Home life - Are you a home body ? Like a clean home, in the suburbs, or loft in the city. Faithfulness - How you feel about cheating/affairs - ever done it? what do you consider cheating? Dedications - What’s your top three important things to you - your prioirties for your time? Politics - can be pretty heated Saying sorry/forgiving - are both of you able to do this? Honesty - do you share - or hide things? Do they know all about you? and you them? If you’re getting married at a church - have they offered premarital classes and testing? Edited August 16, 2013 by dichotomy 3
SoleMate Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Do NOT "suck it up". Engagements are made to be broken. (Marriages technically AREN'T.) Do not marry unless you feel sure. If this new man can so easily turn your head - or you so readily decide to turn your own head - then you should not marry the current fiance. There will ALWAYS be the chance of a new man....you need to feel so sure of the one you have that you don't even consider the new one. And you're clearly not that sure. 2
pink_sugar Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Who you marry is basically the most important decision of your life. You have the right to choose VERY carefully. Take it from someone who has been married to the wrong man for 18 very long years. Things you want to look at and take into consideration beforehand, that I never thought twice about in my young dumb years..... * How does he treat his mom, and other members of his family? How about the waiter/waitress, does he give decent tips? * Is he extreme on anything? The more balanced he is, the better. For instance, my husband is an extreme spender. We had to file bankruptcy because of HIS need for material things, to the tune of $50,000. in credit card debt. I SHOULD have seen this history in his family, but was not smart enough to look for these things. * If you plan on having children, see if you agree on things in this area, such as discipline, whether or not you work full time/part time, stay home, etc. That's all I can think of right now. I wish I could go back and change my mind now, so choose wisely. I agree with all the above posters. I should also note that sometimes you might be 100% sure that you're marrying the right person AT THE TIME and then several years down the road, you change or he changes or things happen to make you realize that things aren't going to work out long term. I sure wish I would have done things differently, such as taking it slow. Financial difficulties and lack of stable jobs really hurt our relationship and caused a lot of resentment. I suggest you post-pone the engagement for now if you're really not sure. You may even want to cool it off for now if you're interested in others. 1
will1988 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I'm engaged... and if my fiance was like you, I would drop her like a ton of bricks! Stop disrespecting your fiance and tell him the truth instead of stringing him along! 3
TheDaysSlideBy Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I'm engaged... and if my fiance was like you, I would drop her like a ton of bricks! Stop disrespecting your fiance and tell him the truth instead of stringing him along! Wow. Shaming someone for having feelings and doubts when she's already admitted their relationship has been rocky is not exactly helpful. I'd say there's nothing wrong with her feeling the way she does; it's how she deals with it that's important. Both for her sake and her fiance's. The first step is recognizing that she has doubts and what her thoughts about the new guy could be telling her. Let's not alienate her from asking questions and getting feedback on a forum like this by making her feel bad when she's done nothing wrong. Jmich, I do agree that maybe talking this out with your fiance is a good idea, just perhaps not as bluntly as, "I met another dude I think I like better so now I'm thinking of breaking up with you." Given your history it shouldn't surprise him much that you're having doubts so feel him out and see where he stands on doing premarital counseling or maybe just picking up a relationship book and going through that together. I agree with all the above posters. I should also note that sometimes you might be 100% sure that you're marrying the right person AT THE TIME and then several years down the road, you change or he changes or things happen to make you realize that things aren't going to work out long term. Yes. This is sorta my story too (the growing apart bit at least) and it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's just another way in which there are no guarantees in life no matter how right you might think your decision is. Or how right your decision is when you make it but then circumstances and time change things. 1
Kimmie80 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 VERY similar situation as mine. Difference is, we are no longer engaged. We were suppose to get married August 31 of this year. 2 weeks. But I met someone by complete fluke and hit it off instantly. We only had 2 months together and then I blew it. Thats a whole other story. But in the end, I had called off my wedding because I realized there was no way I could marry this guy when I had such strong feelings for someone else. Now that 2 month 'fling' is gone, but I do not regret calling off the wedding. I realized something very important. I am clearly not "in love" with my fiance. We have 15 years behind us and 4 children, yet we have attempted to get married 3 times and all times something has come up. Something gotten in the way. I am sitting here more hurt about the 2 month relationship being over than I am with my fiance. But keep in mind that we have been having severe issues since he had an affair while I was pregnant back in 2009. So my point of this, make sure you TRULY want to marry him and that you are in-love with him. I think deep down I wanted to marry him because I am getting older, we have the history behind us and he is the father of my children. It seems like the only right thing to do.... Good luck with your decision!
passingbreeze Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) I am clearly not "in love" with my fiance. We have 15 years behind us and 4 children, yet we have attempted to get married 3 times and all times something has come up. Something gotten in the way. I am sitting here more hurt about the 2 month relationship being over than I am with my fiance. But keep in mind that we have been having severe issues since he had an affair while I was pregnant back in 2009. So my point of this, make sure you TRULY want to marry him and that you are in-love with him. I think deep down I wanted to marry him because I am getting older, we have the history behind us and he is the father of my children. It seems like the only right thing to do.... Good luck with your decision! I can't believe it when I read a message like this one! Fifteen years and FOUR children, "yet we have attempted to get married 3 times and all times something has come up." What in the world were you thinking for 15 years? For the sake of your four children, I certainly hope that your "fiance" is financially able to provide child support. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder what this world has come to. Why don't women use birth control instead of shelling out baby after baby? It makes me feel very sad for the future. Edited August 16, 2013 by passingbreeze 5
Author jmich Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 If you have to ask strangers what to do with your life, then you probably aren't ready for marriage. LOL, I know, I thought the same thing. However, isn't that why this community exists? I think there are all kinds of different marriages, and more than one way to be happy, and more than one person with whom to be happy. I think I'm more musing on the subject and considering it than anything else right now. I don't think I'm ready to make decisions yet.
Author jmich Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 I married the wrong person and have spent the seven years of our marriage struggling as a result. Now I find myself trying to justify divorce so I can move on to meet someone with whom life is not so damn difficult because of our differences. Someone I can respect and admire and fully love without wishing he were a vastly different person. Honestly, I wish the same for him and think we're both making each other unhappy at this point. I really appreciate you taking the time and energy to make this post. I really identify with what you were saying in the beginning. It's hard when it bounces between nearly intolerable to acceptable...Thanks for the well wishes, and I hope everything works out for you, too.
Author jmich Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 I guess I should have mentioned that we are in couples counseling. Not "premarital" specifically. We've been doing it for about two months and our next session is tomorrow. It's brought up a lot of issues, and sometimes I think it might make things worse, but I'm going to try to weather it for awhile longer to see if it helps us communicate better and understand each other (I brought up quitting, but my fiance still wants to go). That's a big issue for me, and it sounds really weird, but it's like we're speaking different languages. I'll explain something and he'll look at me with a blank expression on his face until I say it several times in different ways. Or he'll make a joke, and I'm like "how on earth does that even make sense?" It happens especially if we're explaining the rationale for some decision we've made. It feels harder than it needs to be. There are other people in my life (like my mom) that it's equally difficult to communicate with, and it's really frustrating, so I tend to limit my contact with them (not ideal for a marriage, you see). There are people like my best friends, and this other guy, that I can start explaining things to, and they'll finish my sentence most of the time, and I like that. It's possible this guy I met would make a better friend than partner, but it is nice being able to talk to someone that understands me. I've spent more time talking with my best friend lately, too, which is nice and helps me confirm that I'm not crazy or haven't started speaking French instead of English or something.
GorillaTheater Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Wow. Shaming someone for having feelings and doubts when she's already admitted their relationship has been rocky is not exactly helpful. Uh huh. Maybe you think that because she left out the part about sleeping with her "good friend" in this thread.
oldshirt Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I'll ask you a question and I want you to really think about it. since you are using the terms engaged and fiancé etc I am assuming that he proposed and you accepted. The question is, did you say yes because you love him and cannot envision a future without him in your life and want to have a home and children and raise a family with him until you are old and gray and dead? Or did you say yes because you wanted to be engaged and wanted to wear a ring to show off to your friends and call someone your fiancé as opposed to just a BF? Serious question. and a related question with some different wording is, even though you may want to be married some day, the real critical question is do you want to be married to HIM?
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