So... Is it really not possible to "win someone over"?

[Inflikted]

*sigh* Just being a bit "whimsical", I guess. If a girl rejects a guy, is it really not possible to ever "win her over" in time? I'm not talking creepy stalker crap, I mean, so let's please not go in that direction.

 

I just don't meet very many girls I like and want to date, and this last girl was really something rare. I know the standard reply is "Forget about her and move on", but I'm not being close-minded about other women, I just don't happen to meet any I want to date, and this girl continues to have a presence in my life.

 

There's a lot of tricky details that make the situation between she and I extra delicate. To be honest, I often feel confused about where I really stand with her, which can make it difficult to know what's "okay" and "not okay".

[rocksteady85]

Nope, it's totally possible to win a girl over. I've got a female friend who is pretty attractive and stuff, but she's my best friend's ex, so I can't even go there. But I know that in the past, she hit it off with this guy she just met, they were making out, and he asked her to be his girlfriend. She got weirded out, and said no. Few months later, they ended up becoming really good friends, she got to know him more, but every time she would flirt with him to get his attention, he would play it off as her not being serious, her just being friendly and ****. One night, she was walking home from class, and it starts storming. He lived a block away from campus, and ended up spending the night with him. She's really into him, and if he had asked her out, or made a move on her, she would have been receptive. But he never did, and now he's kicking himself almost 6 years later.

 

So yeah, a "No" right now doesn't always mean a "No" in the future. If she's cool with you, and makes an effort to still be friends, you can get out of the friendzone.

[Inflikted]

Maybe it would help if I provide details to my own situation. This girl has a very fiery attitude, and she has absolutely no problems saying exactly how she feels (heck, the other day, she herself said "I'm the type of person that can just tell someone 'You're a dick and I hate you!'", which we had a good laugh about). She and I also work together. Not in any kind of big fancy office job with a lot on the line, we're just part timers at a dinky little retail store.

 

I asked her out a long time ago, and she told me she really didn't want to date coworkers (because, as I would later learn from someone else, she dated another coworker and he cheated on her). I was willing to accept that, but she then told me she'd think about it. She got back to me a couple weeks later, and changed it up, saying she had a lot going on, education-wise, and couldn't properly balance a relationship, so she had to turn down my offer. I always found this perplexing. Like I said, she has no problems saying exactly what's on her mind, so if she was definitely not interested, why delay the no, and why change the excuse?

 

I had a hard time with the rejection, and apparently started behaving weirdly. A number of months later, unbeknownst to me at the time, she started dating this other guy that used to work with us, too. Things got very awkward between she and I, and she came to me to work it all out. I apologized, and said that at the very least, I wanted to be better friends with her outside of work, because, in my words, she was "the coolest girl I've ever met". But she said that anything outside of work would be too weird (which I know now was probably because she was seeing another guy). She also told me that she had to go to HR about my behavior, but she very heavily hinted that someone else pushed her to do so, and that she wouldn't have done so otherwise. She wouldn't tell me who, but I have to assume it was the guy she was seeing. After we had that conversation, she said "Let's not talk about this again, okay?".

 

This caused a bit of a rift between us for several months. I was hurting bad when I found out she was dating that other guy, but I did my best to just keep to myself and stay away from her. Then, a couple of months ago, he cheated on her (oddly, just like the last coworker she dated), and they split up. Ever since then, she's been a bit nicer to me, and we've slowly been getting back to the fun little thing we had going before it all went to hell before. She did something pretty nice for me at work that she totally didn't have to do (I had been unhappy with my duties at work for a long time, but the manager never listened to me when I'd say something, and she recently spoke up for me, and got things to change for me). She also invited me out to a group outing with some other coworkers last night that no one else would've even told me about if she hadn't invited me.

 

Still, it seems like there's some "weirdness" there. Sometimes it feels like she's totally fine with me, other times it feels like she's trying to keep a little distance between us. It's hard to read, really. To make matters worse, during the time she was seeing that other guy, she sought a promotion, and is now one of the store's assistant managers.

 

I'm in a difficult spot, because there's really no good way to approach the idea of dating again with her. I have absolutely no way to know if she'd reconsider, but if I bring it up again and the answer is still no, the result would be much more catastrophic. Her fiery nature would mean that she'd rip into me and probably hate me forever. And her position as assistant manager would mean bad things for me at work, not to mention, it could potentially escalate the whole HR thing into sexual harassment.

 

I dunno. I've just been trying to be fun and ever so flirty around her. I've been trying to plant little ideas in her head, by telling her about the new career path I'm on, and whatnot. I'm trying to build myself up as much as I can. Whether or not it's actually making any difference to her, though, I can't tell. Like I said, I've had a very difficult time trying to "read" her ever since she split with that last guy.

[TheAlchemist]

Here is what I would do if I was you, I would give her space.

 

Its tough, but take time for yourself...evaluate yourself and improve upon the person you are. Gain confidence, try to meet people, and go out. When your head is back on straight and you feel as though you are strong enough to initiate things with her, go for it.

 

Can you win her over? Yes, I have done it. My gf in college dumped me..I thought I could never, ever live without her. I was convinced there was no one else out there for me. I gave her space to live her life and I went on my own way...I wanted to gain confidence in myself as an individual. With the encouragement of booze and friends, I began being more comfortable with the opposite sex and just having fun being myself...not expecting anything! I started having great success with women and my confidence skyrocketed...months later, I ran into my ex at a house party. She was floored with me, my demeanor, and my confidence. She finally realized what she was missing out on. And yes, I had "fun" with her that night. Sadly though, after gaining so much confidence and being out there...I just didn't feel the same way I used to and had to let her go.

 

Don't know what your situation is or how old you are. Leave her alone, she is NOT the only one in the world, have fun and be confident. That will give you your best shot of getting her back.

 

Deuces

[TheGuard13]

When she said she doesn't want to date coworkers, she meant she doesn't want to date coworkers who are you.

 

I wouldn't put too much effort into this girl and winning her over.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

It's possible, but I wouldn't bank on it.

 

Stay friendly, but move on to other girls.

[Inflikted]

When she said she doesn't want to date coworkers, she meant she doesn't want to date coworkers who are you.

 

I'm not necessarily debating that, but A) things can change, and B) the way she handled it always seemed a bit peculiar to me. Like I said, she's a very direct person that isn't too concerned about hurting feelings. Not to mention, she had a perfectly acceptable excuse in the beginning. Why not just leave it at "I'd rather not date coworkers, sorry"? There really wasn't any good reason for her to prolong it and come up with a different excuse.

 

And again, I feel that people can change their mind about things over time. Heck, when I first started chatting with this girl, I didn't really like her. Not for any particular reason, I just sort of wanted her to leave me alone and was getting a little annoyed at how persistent she was. When I took a step back and started giving her a fairer look, I realized how awesome she was and that I didn't want her to leave me alone.

 

Obviously, it's most likely wishful thinking, but people CAN change their minds about stuff, right? I mean, in the time between her turning me down, she dated some other guy that ended up cheating on her; meanwhile, I found happiness with a new educational/ career opportunity that's given me a nice direction in life.

 

So couldn't it be possible that my worth has gone up? Couldn't it be possible for me to possibly nudge in her in the direction of changing her mind about me? I wonder how one would go about attempting that without pushing things too far and ruining things to an irreparable extent.

 

I wouldn't put too much effort into this girl and winning her over.

 

It's possible, but I wouldn't bank on it.

 

Stay friendly, but move on to other girls.

 

Yeah, I hear that often, and I'm not trying to blow that off, or anything, but for me, meeting a girl I'd actually like to go on a date with is like finding a needle in a haystack. If I'm lucky, it happens maybe once every four years or so, and thus far, it's never been a mutual thing. It's just frustrating to have that kind of bad luck with women in general, and then have this amazing girl suddenly show up, but have to live with the fact that I can't be with her. Yanno?

[joystickd]

Damn son! You sounds like women that whine about a man not wanting to commit and you get the same answer they just don't want YOU!!!. Looks like you caught the disease of oneitis. It's a mutha.

[Inflikted]

Looks like you caught the disease of oneitis. It's a mutha.

 

Like I said, it's just very frustrating to never find girls I hit it off with enough to date, then all of a sudden, I meet a girl I hit it off with on every single level, but I can't be with her. Then I have to continually be around her still, and constantly get reminded about why I fell for her in the first place.

 

It's easy to say "Move on and look for someone else", but for me, there won't be a "someone else" for a minimum of at least 3-4 years. I'm just sick of not finding girls I connect with, only to find one, but not be "attractive" enough for her to want to date me.

 

As far as this girl goes, I dunno. I mean, I know there are too many complications in the way that make it a very bad idea to try pursuing her again. But within the next six or so months, I expect she'll be leaving for a new, better job. I don't necessarily plan to straight up ask her out again when she's about to leave, but I've been trying to think of something I could say to her that would be profound and impactful enough to make her think "Wait, maybe I shouldn't let this guy go". I don't know what that would be, though.

[Inflikted]

See, perhaps I'm way off base here, but I feel like there has to be a part of her somewhere deep down that maybe doesn't think the idea of me and her would be the worst thing in the world. Because why didn't she just immediately say no when I asked her out? She's direct and brutally honest enough to not need time to sugar coat things. She had a perfectly acceptable excuse in "I don't want to date coworkers". There was no good reason to say "Let me think about it" and delay the answer.

 

If you're not attracted to someone, you know it. You don't need to take time to think about it. And while I realize the same would be true for if you ARE attracted to someone, I just think that there is a part of her somewhere in there that doesn't see me and her as a horrible thing. Again, why else "think about it"? She could've made things so easy by just saying "I don't date coworkers, so I have to say no". There was no good reason to delay the inevitable.

 

And if that part of her does, indeed, exist, that's the part of her I need to figure out how to speak to. I need to figure out how to get in touch with that part of her, and show her why she should give it some more consideration.

 

Again, though, the question is how. How do I do that? How do I move forward with her while not crossing any boundaries and risking too much?