Question for the MOW Out There

[BruisedBNBroken]

If you are a MOW and never confessed the affair, how did you deal with the emotions/grief of the end of the affair and NC while being around your family?

 

I am a few days NC and I am so emotionally devastated and finding it really hard to pretend everything is ok in front of my H and the kids. And then I just feel terrible for even feeling that way around them to begin with. The emotions are so strong right now - the sadness, the grief, the thoughts, the replaying of every conversation and interaction in my head. The addiction, the rejection, just all of it.

 

I want to cry every minute, I want to breakdown, I can hardly focus on what my kids are asking. They keep inquiring about what fun things we have planned for the weekend and I can't even think that far ahead at this point, much less get excited about anything. I know I put myself in this situation and I deserve every consequence that goes with it, but wow this is tough.

 

So for the MOW (or M), how do you deal with the grief and all the emotions that go along with it while pretending everything is fine in front of your family. I've been crying in the shower and on the way to work to try to let it out but it's not helping.

 

Please tell me how to get to the other side.

[Cocochai]

Good question I'd like to know. I always thought it would be easier for the MM to move on since he has his family. I have no good s*x anymore... going through a dry spell until I get myself emotionally together again for the next SINGLE man in my life.

[thecharade]

Horrible. I was a mess. I had pillows full of tears that I couldn't explain. It was hell on earth, and I mean that sincerely.

 

I went to bed early. To cry.

I took more baths and showers. To cry.

I read every website on breakups that I could find.

I went to the bookstore and bought "Surviving Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. Empowering.

I found a therapist.

I kept a journal.

I went for massages.

I patted myself on the back at every turn. Lots of positive self talk.

I exercised more.

I ate more desserts.

I tried to stay in that exact moment, breathing it in.

I hugged my kids harder and longer.

I spoke to myself in the car, out loud, things like, "You are fine! He's just a guy! It will never be August 15, 2013 again. Find your joy! You rock!"

I warmed up with my cats.

Went for walks, smelled the fresh cut grass.

I wrote lists of his faults and how it was BETTER and right, just like this!

Me, me, me. I took care of me.

 

Good luck, hon. It's really hard, I know, but you will be absolutely fine.

[ImMiserable]

I'm going through the same thing now. I'm married and ending my nine-year-long A. It has been the hardest thing that I have to do. I'm obsessing and having huge anxieties. I try to pretend to be normal. Luckily my H doesn't pay much attention to my emotional state. I have a relative just passed recently, so I cried a lot without causing suspicion.

[Sooverhim]

Hi BBNB!

 

I am a MOW who ended my A without a DDay and without my H ever knowing about my A. I sympathise with you, I know how hard it is to pretend to be normal and happy with you have complete emotional turmoil going on in the inside.

 

For me, I had been suffering emotional turmoil for the whole 2 years of my A, so when I ended it even though I was in unbearable pain and devastated, I was also relieved.

 

My coping strategy was to focus entirely and completlely on my H and children (should have been doing this all along I know I know). I put all my energies into listening to them, working on being a better wife and mother.

 

Take every day at a time, every minute at a time. Take comfort and strength from the fact that you are no longer tormenting and torturing yourself by having an A and that you are going to get over this. Time is your friend. It will get better.

 

All the things that Charade said are fabulous ways of getting through it.

 

I have every faith in you BBNB, I know that you will get through this, I know because I did, and I never thought I would, but 17 months out and my M is better than ever. You will do this, you are doing this!

 

Big hugs x o x o x

[LimeBlue]

I wish I had known you six years ago, because I went through it alone - no forums, no friends, no nothing. I was alone to deal with it all. Feel free to PM me...

 

But in a nutshell, I am a MOW and I had an affair with a single man. We broke it off and I have honestly never cried so much in my life (except the loss of my dog two years ago, nothing on this earth will top that pain). The tears were uncontrollable, and as thecharade said above, I also took more showers to cry. I also went to bed early to cry. I went out more with my dogs to the park, to cry. I was stuck to the internet reading up on heartbreak, affairs, and how to cope (wish I had discovered LS back then, but I don't think it was so popular then). What made it even worse, was my single OM was already having sex with another woman before we ended our A and he is still with her to this day. I was totally discarded as a piece of trash. Imagine if I had left my H for him? I would have been left with nothing, having lost everything in my life.

 

Then my recent EA with a friend, and although I don't fully consider it an EA, many LS folk will say it is an EA so I am going with that description. We ended it at the beginning of July, then had contact recently, and again NC. Once again I feel discarded like trash but this time I am much stronger. Good riddance to him, his girlfriend can have her serial cheater man because I am done with him.

 

So my point is - you will survive this, and you have to cry all you need to but you need to get creative with how you hide it from your H and family. I had huge problems trying to hide it at work though, and I never did find a way of hiding it but I did manage to suppress crying even though my eyes would well up. I remember I made up something about an eye infection. One of the greatest things that have helped in both of my situations, is to finally see these men for what they are - cheaters, and people who I know I would not want to spend my life with knowing that if we did ever hook up, his real side would only come out after the fact when it is too late.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Ladies, thank you so much for responding. LS is really an amazing resource.

 

LimeBlue - I may just take you up on that PM offer!!

[BruisedBNBroken]

Horrible. I was a mess. I had pillows full of tears that I couldn't explain. It was hell on earth, and I mean that sincerely.

 

I went to bed early. To cry.

I took more baths and showers. To cry.

I read every website on breakups that I could find.

I went to the bookstore and bought "Surviving Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. Empowering.

I found a therapist.

I kept a journal.

I went for massages.

I patted myself on the back at every turn. Lots of positive self talk.

I exercised more.

I ate more desserts.

I tried to stay in that exact moment, breathing it in.

I hugged my kids harder and longer.

I spoke to myself in the car, out loud, things like, "You are fine! He's just a guy! It will never be August 15, 2013 again. Find your joy! You rock!"

I warmed up with my cats.

Went for walks, smelled the fresh cut grass.

I wrote lists of his faults and how it was BETTER and right, just like this!

Me, me, me. I took care of me.

 

Good luck, hon. It's really hard, I know, but you will be absolutely fine.

 

I downloaded Surviving Your Breakup and can't put it down. Everyone should read this! Thanks for the recommendation.

[uneek74]

Thankful that I have 8 hrs out of my day to regroup at work. When I get home I pull it together (professionally trained how). Thankfully, I don't have kids at home so it's a lot easier I belive to deal with. Bruised, I feel your pain, as I recently have gotten out of an 8 year relationship. Everytime you think of him, change your thoughts to something else. Please find an interest that keeps your mind occupied and above all focus on your family at this point.

[indemnity]

Seriously, hon, feeling sorry for yourself isn't a consequence... it's a one person pity party. A consequence is having to deal with the daily pained expression of your husband as he tries to pick up the pieces of the life, love and relationship he thought he agreed to with you.

 

Your real work/ consequences begin when you have to deal with 2 relationships coming to an end. That's more in line with what lot of MOW/M deal with.

[Feb]

If you are a MOW and never confessed the affair, how did you deal with the emotions/grief of the end of the affair and NC while being around your family?

 

I am a few days NC and I am so emotionally devastated and finding it really hard to pretend everything is ok in front of my H and the kids. And then I just feel terrible for even feeling that way around them to begin with. The emotions are so strong right now - the sadness, the grief, the thoughts, the replaying of every conversation and interaction in my head. The addiction, the rejection, just all of it.

 

I want to cry every minute, I want to breakdown, I can hardly focus on what my kids are asking. They keep inquiring about what fun things we have planned for the weekend and I can't even think that far ahead at this point, much less get excited about anything. I know I put myself in this situation and I deserve every consequence that goes with it, but wow this is tough.

 

So for the MOW (or M), how do you deal with the grief and all the emotions that go along with it while pretending everything is fine in front of your family. I've been crying in the shower and on the way to work to try to let it out but it's not helping.

 

Please tell me how to get to the other side.

 

It is difficult -- trust that time will eventually get you to the other side, but you will have to work at it as well. Even though you were dumped, you need to focus on all the positives that this A is really over. Although you may have been physically present for your kids during the A, I doubt you were 100% there mentally for them. I know I wasn't. Celebrate the fact that you this period of disconnect from your kids is over and you can be a proper mom.

 

 

I know my house was a mess during the A, and many things were i disarray. It was nice to get them in order again.

 

 

There are threads out here that talk about all the upsides to not being in an A. Read about those and focus on the fact you are free of so many burdens. Although there is not point in being angry to trying to seek revenge on your xAP, you may want to list all the things you didn't like about him and keep reading it. Once you are out of the fog, you'll likely find your xMM wasn't as great as he seemed while you were in the A.

 

 

This is not a light switch and I know it's not easy. This is a relationship and loss to mourn like any other. Make note of milestones and mental victories -- "I was able to go a full hour without thinking of him."; "I made it through today without crying"; "I didn't look at my cell phone for half a day". Pat yourself on the back for getting through even small victories.

[Daisy2013]

I've died on the inside. I don't feel anything. In the beginning I cried in the shower, falling asleep, waking up. I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying. More irritable. My A partner gave me reason to smile and to live. My M is miserable, but neither have guts to leave. At least not for another year until our youngest graduates, it will come to a head at that point one way or another. I am trying to think of new things to do, but come up blank. Everything is just empty. I pray a lot, try to focus on what I know is right, but doesn't seem to help. Since my kids are basically grown, I can't lose myself in them as they don't need me. Working on my M is moot. H has never been one with me, always doing his own thing, so we have no connection. He's not a bad person, it's just the way he is. If I ask if he'd like to do something, he never has time or money.

 

It doesn't help ex-A wants to remain friends and calls me once a week, telling me he misses me and spending time with me, and that I'm his "dear friend" and loves me, he's existing, and life is the same as before and things aren't better with his M, but that we are married and it is what it is ( he dumped me).

 

Some days I feel like I'm just biding time till God calls me home.

[randomwoman]

I'm a MOW. I'm going through NC at this time but my EA has fizzled out naturally over the past year so it's a tad easier to cope. I had my breakdown/deep depression about a year ago during a NC episode. It was around easter. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. I actually did for a day here and there. Of course we ended up back in contact so it was all for nothing.

 

I did a terrible job juggling my responsibilities and feel bad for all the time I wasted not being 'present' in my awesome life. My child was only 3 when I entered this stupid EA and I feel that time slipped away because my focus was not on what it should have been.

 

I know you're having a terrible time. It's very difficult to cope but please do your best to give your family the attention they deserve. Of all regrets, you will regret the time that was not spent being present watching your family grow. You cannot get this time back. Start right now. Take your family out, force the OM to the dark corner of your brain and reclaim your life.

[happy stillmore]

Daisy,

I can totally relate. I believe it is hard to end an A when you feel like you are "stuck" in a lonely marriage. You feel so alone. I know some single APs think mAPs have their marriage to focus on or keep them distracted after the A ends so it may seem easier. It isn't always the case. For me, I would be able to move on from xMM if I felt like their options. Instead, I'm in a holding pattern until I can find a way to live on my own. It is more depressing.

 

I think I was so attached to xMM because we were both in the same situation. Now, there is no way I will open my heart to someone unless I'm free to do so. Which may be a long, long time due to financial reasons. (I'm thinking one year) I miss having someone to talk to, someone to share a love I always dreamt of. Also, I feel like I'm getting older by the minute and life is passing me by. My mother died young so I have another reason to want to live my life fully right now.

 

In my opinion, I believe your xMM is trying to appease his guilt of hurting you. He wants to be friends. If you agree to be friends, he can feel better about it all. Like he didn't hurt you and it is all good. I wouldn't let him believe that. I would tell him he hurt you but you are a strong woman who knows she must move on. Let him feel bad. Not your problem anymore. Just my thoughts.

[psm04]

If you are a MOW and never confessed the affair, how did you deal with the emotions/grief of the end of the affair and NC while being around your family?

 

I am a few days NC and I am so emotionally devastated and finding it really hard to pretend everything is ok in front of my H and the kids. And then I just feel terrible for even feeling that way around them to begin with. The emotions are so strong right now - the sadness, the grief, the thoughts, the replaying of every conversation and interaction in my head. The addiction, the rejection, just all of it.

 

I want to cry every minute, I want to breakdown, I can hardly focus on what my kids are asking. They keep inquiring about what fun things we have planned for the weekend and I can't even think that far ahead at this point, much less get excited about anything. I know I put myself in this situation and I deserve every consequence that goes with it, but wow this is tough.

 

So for the MOW (or M), how do you deal with the grief and all the emotions that go along with it while pretending everything is fine in front of your family. I've been crying in the shower and on the way to work to try to let it out but it's not helping.

 

Please tell me how to get to the other side.

 

My heart goes out to you. I want to say that there is nothing wrong with grieving the end of an A. It was a real thing, regardless of how inappropriate it was or how "bad" it is seen in society. It is still the end of something that you cherished.

 

I couldn't even listen to certain songs (still can't). I hate romantic movies. I was never a fan of them to begin with, but now seeing people "so in love" just pisses me off to no end.

 

You might not think this now, but you will get to the other side. You really will. You will feel so relieved, and back to being yourself again. One thing that helped me is to think about the bad parts of the A - the jealousy, insecurity, feeling cheap etc. And I think thinking of those rather than the good parts of it helped me with keeping things in perspective. Also, this site has been a huge help. I still struggle with the end of mine, and it doesn't help that we are still in contact during work. Regardless of what anyone says on here though, the feelings you felt/feel were/are real, and you will have to go through the grieving phases, just like with anything else. But you will get through this :-)

 

Take care of yourself :-)

[Daisy2013]

 

I know you're having a terrible time. It's very difficult to cope but please do your best to give your family the attention they deserve. Of all regrets, you will regret the time that was not spent being present watching your family grow. You cannot get this time back. Start right now. Take your family out, force the OM to the dark corner of your brain and reclaim your life.

 

This, too! Focus on your kids. Now that the fog has lifted, I feel as I've lost 2 years of their lives. They went young, one just turned 18 and the other is 16, but I wasn't there for them emotionally those 2 years. I know I missed out on important "mom" stuff. Sometimes I felt like a stranger in my own home, my fault.

[Daisy2013]

Daisy,

 

I wonder this too, if he is just soothing his guilt. But he's such a narcissist and everything is about him, not just with me, but in his M and all areas of life, I wonder why he just doesn't go away if he truly doesn't still care. I think that's why I haven't been able to let go.

 

Thanks for your reply. I hope you find true happiness and many good things happen for you!

[artdet]

I can totally relate. A few things that helped me.

- Find strength in the goodness of your family. Know that your husband is a better man because he did not betray his woman and his family. Know that your children deserves a good mother that puts her heart into them.

- Forgive yourself. You have your reason to do this. No one have the right to accuse you of anything. Respect your decision to get out, applaud yourself for doing the right thing.

- Find strength in his weaknesses. Only you know what they are, don't fool yourself, don't be blinded by your own tenderness, be as honest as you can, be as critical as you can.

 

Best luck.

Edited September 22, 2013 by artdet