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Is it too soon for my new guy to care if I'm sick?

Amethystic

By Amethystic,
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Amethystic

Amethystic

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So I've been seeing this guy for just shy of three weeks... seems like longer - we've been out on six dates already. He's got some great qualities... affectionate, funny, chivalrous - and totally into me (he's always asking about our next date before our current one ends). We always have so much fun together, he energizes me and makes me feel great, and I always leave our dates feeling elated and giddy. Really, he's awesome.

 

But here's the dilemma... I recently got sick with the flu. During our last date (Tues), I started feeling the symptoms, and he took me to the pharmacy on the way home for meds - so he was aware that I was sick. Wednesday, I was so sick I had to call off work, and I didn't get a single "how are you feeling" call or text from him that day. Later that night, I was having trouble breathing and I ended up in the ER with pneumonia (fortunately I was only there a few hours).

 

I texted him that night and told him I was in the ER and had pneumonia. He texted me back early the next morning with "oh no, I'm sorry, feel better" etc. I didn't reply because I was asleep. Around noon he sent me a link to natural remedies for pneumonia (he knows I'm into homeopathic stuff). I slept off and on for the rest of the day, my meds had me really out of it. I heard nothing else from him. I thought he might have called or offered to visit or something at least once.

 

I texted him again around noon today to let him know I was doing a little better. He texted me back a couple of hours later and asked if I was ready for our date tomorrow, as if I'd never been sick. At that point, I got a little annoyed and told him no, because duh... I'm recovering from pneumonia and I reminded him of that. He said "oh I didn't know you were serious." Why would I not be serious about that? So - am I overreacting, or does he seem a little too aloof?

 

I don't want to write a perfectly good guy off because he didn't quite meet my expectations - and we've only been dating for three weeks, so he might not feel obligated to "take care" of me.

 

At the same time, I worry that this might be a sign of things to come. I would not be happy in a relationship with a guy who only wants to be around when things are good, but jets at the first sign of trouble.

 

I'm asking for advice on this situation because I've unfortunately had a string of bad luck with dating, and I have a history of liberally giving guys the benefit of the doubt, even when they clearly didn't deserve it. Nowadays, I've gone in the opposite direction - every little thing that rubs me the wrong way sends up a red flag for me.

 

Sorry... I probably seem like such a over-analytical spaz. But I'm already starting to become quite fond of him, and I REALLY don't want to deal with the pain of having my heart broken again because I naively made myself vulnerable to someone who doesn't give a damn about me. I'm sure someone out there can relate to that. Thanks in advance for reading and answering.

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Fondue

Fondue

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I think this falls into "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type situation.

 

He may have wanted to comfort you and "take care" of you, but he might of also thought that might be "too forward" for a new relationship. May be a sign of clingy-ness or too much "like" too soon.

 

At the same time, you clearly were bothered by the fact that he didn't.

 

I honestly think it was due to the fact that he thought he might come off as too clingy for a relationship that just started for him to be taking care of you.

 

DOn't write him off.

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Amethystic

Amethystic

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Okay, now I feel like a d*ck. But I'll tell everyone what happened in case any others out there are tempted to be an over-thinking spazzoid like me. #1, he'd warned me me last week that he was going to be pretty strung up at work so he could take Fri off and... spend it with me :lmao: (I forgot :( )

 

#2. He thought I only had a little cold, so he didn't bother to write (and he couldn't have come over) so he could get the work done. And here I am, mad as a box of frogs at this man :o

 

I need Jesus. :p

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Maleficent

Maleficent

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I think this falls into "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type situation.

 

He may have wanted to comfort you and "take care" of you, but he might of also thought that might be "too forward" for a new relationship. May be a sign of clingy-ness or too much "like" too soon.

 

At the same time, you clearly were bothered by the fact that he didn't.

 

I honestly think it was due to the fact that he thought he might come off as too clingy for a relationship that just started for him to be taking care of you.

 

DOn't write him off.

 

I agree and I'll add he may have been worried to get infected. And you were definitely not serious enough for him to risk infection by taking care of you…

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dasein

dasein

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Nah, it's fine. We all have these kinds of doubts meeting a new person. As another poster said, I'd probably lay low at three weeks even if I wanted to make a gesture of some type because you ended up OK and it's only three weeks. Don't be too hard on yourself, just keep the timeframe in mind that runs both ways. Good luck.

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Mrlonelyone

Mrlonelyone

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I think this falls into "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type situation.

 

He may have wanted to comfort you and "take care" of you, but he might of also thought that might be "too forward" for a new relationship. May be a sign of clingy-ness or too much "like" too soon.

 

At the same time, you clearly were bothered by the fact that he didn't.

 

I honestly think it was due to the fact that he thought he might come off as too clingy for a relationship that just started for him to be taking care of you.

 

DOn't write him off.

 

In today's dating climate, especially in the younger set, saying you are very sick is 99/100 times a dodge for not being that into the person.

 

Odds are he actually thought you were looking to get out of your date and did not believe you were sick at all. That when he took you to the pharmacy you were setting up an excuse not to kiss or have any end of date contact with him. That you were so repulsed by him that you wanted to set up an excuse for no second date in advance.

 

IMHO When you see him next or perhaps by text message send him proof you were actually really truly sick.

 

Many of us have had the experience of showing someone who seemed to like us or who claimed to like us some TLC only for them to be scared off by it.

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dasein

dasein

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I dunno, lots of people have a bit of pneumonia from time to time, and lots of women I've dated run to the ER a bit excessively. Lots of people think of the ER as another doc in the box today and some call the doc in the box the ER, so who knows? I don't think he's necessarily -lying-.

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Amethystic

Amethystic

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In today's dating climate, especially in the younger set, saying you are very sick is 99/100 times a dodge for not being that into the person.

 

Odds are he actually thought you were looking to get out of your date and did not believe you were sick at all. That when he took you to the pharmacy you were setting up an excuse not to kiss or have any end of date contact with him. That you were so repulsed by him that you wanted to set up an excuse for no second date in advance.

 

WOW, I had no idea about that. But looking at it that way, I totally see what you mean, and there's a good chance he thought I doing exactly that. I didn't want to kiss him because my throat was raw and I didn't want to get him sick. He was really trying to kiss me - I probably told him no 10 times. When we were in the pharmacy, he suddenly got distant and looked sad. He's not the most confident guy.

 

IMHO When you see him next or perhaps by text message send him proof you were actually really truly sick.

 

I'd like to do this. What would be good proof? I tossed my hospital band because those thinks irk me. I wish I'd taken a pic or something.

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Mrlonelyone

Mrlonelyone

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WOW, I had no idea about that. But looking at it that way, I totally see what you mean, and there's a good chance he thought I doing exactly that. I didn't want to kiss him because my throat was raw and I didn't want to get him sick. He was really trying to kiss me - I probably told him no 10 times. When we were in the pharmacy, he suddenly got distant and looked sad. He's not the most confident guy.

 

That's another of the challenges that men face in dating.

 

You liked him but you were really truly sick and could not kiss him. So after asking you 10 times... and you refusing 10 times... his withdrawing meas he lacks confidence? No. He was very persistent. Many men would have just walked away from you.

 

At the same time 99/100 times the woman saying no and doing the things you describe just means the woman isn't into you. Furthemore, if you can't "read between the lines" then a man is a creep for not just slinking away.

 

 

OP. My original advice stands. Present him with proof you were really sick and make it clear that you really want another date. In the future educate yourself about some of the things men put up with in dating. This will teach you how to send the correct signals to men about what you really want.

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Amethystic

Amethystic

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his withdrawing meas he lacks confidence? No. He was very persistent.

 

No no, I was saying that he lacks confidence in general (seems to think he's not good looking, fit, etc), and because of that, he was probably really sensitive to what he perceived as rejection.

 

Many men would have just walked away from you.

 

If he'd walked away because I told him I didn't want to kiss because I felt sick and didn't want him sick too on our date Friday, I wouldn't have wanted him anymore anyway. How childish.

 

OP. My original advice stands. Present him with proof you were really sick and make it clear that you really want another date.

 

All I can do is give him a big kiss when I see him tomorrow. I'm not going out of my way to provide evidence for something I didn't lie about.

 

In the future educate yourself about some of the things men put up with in dating. This will teach you how to send the correct signals to men about what you really want.

 

I don't have time for that - too busy dating to memorize an encyclopedia of ways to avoid upsetting paranoid guys.

 

I appreciate the insight. I'm going to move forward, chillax, and stop trying to protect my heart so much that I shield it from love too.

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