Should I tell the OM who she really is?

[gregmurphyblue]

I am 53 years old, been married 13 years, my wife is 43, we be getting divorced at some point, this is my second marriage.

 

Sorry if I am writing too much, but to fully descrive my question I had to provide as much as information as I could to better explain why this isn't as simple of a decision as people might think it is.

 

Took me many years to figure out that she liked me for what I could provide for her, not because of who I am. For the years we where together, she was happy she didn't have to work, just vacation, shop, shop, shop and more shopping.

 

I am my wife's second marriage also, when we first started to date she told me she was separated and was just living with her husband, found out later her first husband didn't know she was dating and didn't know they where separated.

 

But with age comes experience, I wish I would have known then what I know now about dating, because things would have turned out very different.

 

I will admit, I did fall for her and for the wrong reasons. I did know from the begining that she was materialistic, expensive dresses, shoes, purses and jewelry, and where different on every date.

 

Even knowing what I know now I can see how easy it was for me to fall for her, she would wear this tight, super sexy dresses, so tight that it made me even wonder if she even owned underwear. We didn't really have intercourse and instead she would constantly perform oral on me, she did this every day we saw each other, she swallowed, she was very talented. There wasn't really much else in the relationship, but still fell in love for the wrong reasons.

 

We moved in together, everything remained the same as when we where dating, but I thought I was happy.

 

During her divorce, she had mailed some divorce papers to her first husband that where returned as undelivered, she was away for a few days and I took it upon my self to deliver them in person.

 

When I meet her first husband, he was a really nice guy and he was happy to see me, happy but not bitter about getting the divorce.

 

I got to talk to him and he told me how he fell in love with her, and it was an exact description of my relationship.

 

He told me that as soon as we got married that she would change, if she was wearing something sexy it was for someone else, if she was giving oral to anyone it would not be me, that the happiest day of my marriage is when my divorce is finalized.

 

I was stupid, I should had paid more attention to what her first husband told me. Took me many years to finally tell him thank you, and I did so in person.

 

Her first husband was right, we got married and everything changed the same day, literally.

 

She would wear sexy dresses to go out, never for me. If we went out to dinner together, she would wear something sexy to get attention from other people, not for me.

 

And that very frequent oral on me that I had grown accustomed to and loved, that also stopped right there.

 

Moving forward to more recent times, the whole time in between was very boring.

 

She used to go out with friends, I never really knew she went out with but for a while I didn't think too much about it, I went out with my own friends.

 

One of those times I was out with friends, I knew she was at a near by dance club, I went inside looking for her, when inside I sent her a text message asking her where she was, no response, texted her a couple other times and no response. I didn't tell her I was there, just asked her where she was, no answer.

 

I was by the front, and while looking around I noticed she was leaving, was so crowded that by the time I got out she was not there, I looked around and found her car parked but she wasn't there, I gave up and was walking back to my car when I recognized her dress in a red Lexus, I could only see the rear part of it because she was bending over and was going down on the guy in the driver side.

 

I was in denial, I never saw her face or anything, I didn't know whos car that was, subconsciously I kept my self looking at it for too long and just told my self it was another women wearing the same dress, I left and went home. It did make me think but I was in denial.

 

Few weeks later, she was out again and I went to the place she was at, I didn't go inside, eventually I did see her leave and was walking with a guy, didn't look like the other guy I saw that time, she went and sat inside a black Infinity, without being obvious I was not able to see what happened, all I knew was that 20 minutes passed, she left the car, I did see she reapplied her lipstick, I didn't see anything, I was curious of what was going on, but still in denial thinking maybe they just talked.

 

Couple of months later, I was in denial but I did have some doubt, went out again, she walked out with a guy, not the same as the 2 I had seen before, I did notice he put his hand on her butt as they walked off, I looked around and I saw her next to a black ford truck, the dress was gone, he was standing up and she was leaning over giving him oral.

 

After that time, I contacted a friend who is a lawyer, who did my first divorce. Speaking as a friend he told me he hears things like that all the time, and cheating is often something else, that maybe we needed counseling, just to confront her about the affairs and go to counseling, he told me I should test my self for STDs and that is when I told him we had not had any sex since before married, his answer was OUCH.

 

It was tough for me to tell her that I knew, so I tried to get her to tell me, asked her if she wanted to leave me, if she was seeing someone else, she said no. I asked her why she stopped what ever sex was happening the day we got married, she told me she didn't like to do that and did it to make me happy, but if I asked her again she would. I had asked her hundreds of times and there was always a reason not to, even sometimes coming out with the worst excuses, I mean really bad. I mean this are literal excuses she had given me, I dont want to give you oral because she didnt want to get pregnant, she did say that more than once, she did also tell me that she couldn't give me oral because she was having her period, she also did say that more than once. From the times I asked it wasnt only oral I asked for, but those 2 excuses did make me wonder exacly how many marbles where in that head, didn't exacly start dating her for how smart she was.

 

She did keep going out, she did tell me if I asked again for sex that she would, I did ask her, more than 10 times and got a nothing.

 

It was hard for me to tell her that I knew, I thought it would had been easier to confront her about if I came up to her when she was out with someone else.

 

Few days later, I went out to where she was, she was out with the guy in the black ford truck again, went around, both of them next to the car, they kissed, he pulled her dress off, she got down on him, there was no condom, I wanted to go but I could not, I could not move, when they where done, she didn't spit or anything.

 

More days went by, I went to see her again, gone dress, no condom, she swallowed, and I could not move.

 

More days, did what ever I had to do to build my confidence, after they where done I walked up to her and was going to say something when she started talking first, she was still naked, she blamed it on me, she was not nice at all about it, I did not think I had any feelings for her even before that moment but she was so tough on me she got me to tears.

 

I asked her how she could do that to me, I told her I had even bought her that dress so she would wear it for me not someone else, she just said F*** Y**, threw the dress at me and said she was dating someone else, the guy in the truck asked her if they where dating, and she was also so mean to that guy and said Not You A**hole, walked off naked, got on her car and went who knows where.

 

That was it for me, it was over.

 

We are not divorced yet, I know I wont get married a 3rd time.

 

I know she is dating and living with someone else now, and I see she is doing the same thing to him that she did to me and her 1st husband. Her 1st husband telling me about it made a big difference on me figuring out that I should leave, I did ignore it at first but it still made it easier had I now known.

 

Should I pass on the courtesy? Somehow tell her new boyfriend? I feel like I should at least tell him, if he chooses to ignore like I think I would feel better that I at least tried, I do feel guilty if I don't say something but maybe I should just let it go.

[LimeBlue]

This is a tough one. If you do tell her new man, the chances are that he will not believe you and then you risk being made out to be the fool. You were well received by her exH, but will her new man be just as receiving? If not, this may make you feel a lot worse than you already do.

[Lady2163]

I think it is all right to tell the guy she is seeing about her method of operation. Try to keep it as unrmotional as possible, just the facts.

 

You could even tell him, "I know you're not going to believe me, but..."

 

You might work it into the conversation...

 

If he's smart, he won't be letting her go to the clubs alone.

If he's smart, he'll make her have a part time job for six months to a year before he marries her - and lets her know he does expect her to keep working.

If he's smart, he'll be cautious about giving her expensive gifts, buying her a new car, clothing allowance, spending money, etc.

 

You have the history of your relationship and the first marriage.

 

On a separate note - it is amazing how powerful a tool oral sex is. I thoroughly enjoy that and do swallow. On the converse side, I've had men who have held off breaking up with me until they had someone who was better (in their mind) than me in some way just because of that. I've also had exes want to have break up sex...with that as a predominant activity. Considering how many times in my life I've been used for it, it amazes me that it is still one of my favorite things to do.

 

I've also known a lot of women who won't do it, then seem surprised when the man cheats or breaks up with them. I think there is a risk when women (and men) remove a facet of pleasure from the bedroom. You essentially have three ways to make your partner 'happy' in the bedroom - hands, mouth and genatalia. Well, maybe four if you throw in sex toys. Why would people remove one of those facets and limit their partner's pleasure? Danger Will Robinson. Danger.

 

Good luck to you - I hope you keep us posted in whatever you decide to do.

[tinker683]

I wouldn't tell him a damn thing. I'd wash my hands of the both of them as quickly as I could. He'll figure out what sort of viper she is soon enough.

 

But that's me...

[bubbaganoosh]

After my second wife and I got divorced, the OM shows up on my job and tells me that he would never try to come in between me and my daughter. I told him that he should be thinking more of his own two kids and that he was full of crap for even thinking that he could come between me and my daughter. I also told him that if she cheated on me, don't be surprised if she didn't do the same thing to him.

 

The fool tried to assure me that something like that won't happen, and I said fine, don't listen. Two months later, there he is again, on my job site crying the blues. She gave him a key to her house and he walked in and lo and behold, there she is with another guy. I told him that I don't understand why he's here. I don't care if she was entertaining a box car full of Klingons, it's your problem, you deal with it and if he had a brain in his head he better hope that he has a home because his wife called me the night before and she knows everything and she asked questions and I answered. Turns out that night he was sleeping in his truck in the parking lot where he works and then went to live in his parents basement until the told him to move out after they found out what he did. Next time he saw me, he gave me the finger and I bust out laughing.

[gregmurphyblue]

Thank you for the replies, I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and not going to tell him anything.

 

But, I might go by the club again and see if she is still doing those things, if she is then instead of telling her new bf I can show him.

[aliveagain]

You let her do these things without dragging her out of the car and going Sicilian on the POS? I hope you have at least started the divorce process? Have you diarized all the events, may come in handy when negotiating custody. All men should be warned about your soon to be ex wife.

[Sarabi]

I told him that I don't understand why he's here. I don't care if she was entertaining a box car full of Klingons, it's your problem, you deal with it

 

Oh my!!! Lol! I haven't laughed so hard all week :laugh: lol

Thanks for making me smile

 

As for the OP...its not your problem is it. I agree with the others...keep quiet and move swiftly on...be prepared to roll your eyes and nod/smile at the right intervals when it all eventully comes tumbling down...

[So happy together]

Thank you for the replies, I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and not going to tell him anything.

 

But, I might go by the club again and see if she is still doing those things, if she is then instead of telling her new bf I can show him.

 

I really think you shouldn't get in the middle of it. The truth of the matter is, if he thinks she's cheating, she'll know right where to find her... where he met her. I'm sorry this happened to you. OP. Hang in there.