She resents me, and broke up with me.

[Dazzee]

Hello.

 

My girlfriend of 3 and a 1/2 years just broke up with me. I still love her with all my heart and soul. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and (was/is) am amazing and nice person. In the last two months she had become really grumpy and at times cruel to me though. We have always been so happy together and felt as though we were "perfect soul mates", she loved he way I looked and my personality, and vice versa, we still do. We got into a big argument over something stupid and my frustrations blew up and I called her a whore and a bitch. I have never in my life been so hurtful and disrespectful and I apologized profusely and explained that I lost my head. She said it was the final straw and things were over. She said she needed to be single and heal and was done, she couldn't do us anymore, she said she resented me. I begged her not to leave but she didn't change her mind (she had previously begged me 2/3 times not to break up with her in the past which I took her back from). I am so heart broken and feel like I want to die. I know she is heart broken too but felt it was right for her to do. I don't think it was right for her or me, and should have given me a chance to change everything.

 

Here's a background to our relationship.

 

We met online, she is 20 I'm 21, she lived in Canada and I lived in he UK. we dated online for 2 years before we met in person and dated for a year. We talked all day everyday for 4 years unless we had school/work or occasionally met friends, which wasn't often. She was depressed and suicidal when I met her, I made her not depressed and suicidal. We dated and around 2 months in we had our first argument, it was a little misunderstanding and was silly to argue about, from the on out these happened regularly. Little arguments over silly little things, right up till the end. Despite everything we were really happy together.

 

Around about half way through our relationship, she was in university, at the time still dating via online. One day we got into a huge fight and she thought I had basically dumped her. She went out that night to a party with friends and got the drunkest she has ever been. She left the party to go back to her building which she couldn't gain entry to. A guy she knew passed by and told her to stay at his dorm for the night in the other building, idiotically she accepted and went. She went to sleep on his bed and he tried to kiss her, she resisted and said no, he then touched her molesting her. She panicked and left crying her eyes our and managed to get back to her dorm where she cried all night and was comforted by friends. In the morning she told me (I believe her 100% I trust her and she had no reason to tell me anything had happened, I would have never known). I flipped at her and broke up with her, calling her a slut and a bitch saying she broke my heart (Kt was only the two instances mentioned that I ever called her such horrible things). At the time my head wasn't clear and I hadn't realized she had been taken advantage of by some guy who basically molested her unwillingly.

 

About 2 weeks after I accepted the situation and things were back to how they were. About every 2 months I'd bring it up in arguments because I felt resentful that she was so naive to have gotten into the situation and I insecure so used to wonder if she let it happen (I now know she didn't). I didn't now it but she started to resent me for as she puts it "holding it over her head". Not just that, also the regular silly arguments. She had become depressed again because of both. She left uni and went back home.

 

Around a year after we met in person. And we were so happy (at the same time she was still depressed though). We were perfect for one another and got our own place in the city, we still argued regularly and as much as we tried to fix it throughout our whole relationship, it was difficult.

 

Ironically as soon as it was too late, I let go of everything and was ready to change my actions. I was ready to dedicate every living moment to making her happy and helping her, also to not arguing. I am so deeply in love with her... She says she still loves me and cares about me and thinks I'm a great guy good looking and really likes me, but she resents me and can't do us anymore. She says she needs to get over me and wants to be single to heal herself. I want her to heal too, I just feel with all my heart she can do it with me again. I feel like she is throwing away something so special and is so mad at me she doesn't realize, I know in coming weeks or a few months, she will regret leaving me.

 

Sorry for the long story.

[loversquarrel]

I honestly don't know how or why people think a long distance relationship can work. There are a few red flags - she is depressed and suicidal. She made a poor decision that may have put her in danger, and quite frankly I would have a hard time trusting her story. Then there is the name calling on your part. TOXIC relationship. She needs to fix herself and you need to learn to control your mouth.

[Dazzee]

I honestly don't know how or why people think a long distance relationship can work. There are a few red flags - she is depressed and suicidal. She made a poor decision that may have put her in danger, and quite frankly I would have a hard time trusting her story. Then there is the name calling on your part. TOXIC relationship. She needs to fix herself and you need to learn to control your mouth.

 

Well first of all, it wasn't long distance for the last year of our relationship, so that point is invalid. She was depressed and suicidal, that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve love and companionship, should she just be left to rot, unloved forever? Besides that, she got over those issues and then they resurfaced, depression is an illness, and although it can be one of the most difficult things to deal with in a relationship, it shouldnt be a deciding factor in weather or not two people who love eachother should be together or not. She made a mistake and I forgave her for it, I was here to inform a major part of our relationship to better explain our situation, not for you or anyone else to make assumptions on that matter.

 

I name called and that's fair enough, I made mistakes and I accept that, this happened Twice in the space of 4 years. People make mistakes, people can get caught in the moment and say things they don't mean, that's human nature. Just while I'm on the subject also, it's human nature to argue, although ours was excessive and in no way ok to be as frequently as it was. I in no way justify my actions or accept the frequency of our arguments as healthy, they were unhealthy.

 

I do need to control my mouth, and she does need to fix herself. No relationship in the ENTIRE HISTORY of the world was / is perfect. I am not perfect, you are not perfect, she is not perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect.

 

I'm kind of steamed at your response, as I came here for help, not for anyone to make a bunch of statements about my relationship such as "TOXIC RELATIONSHIP", "Why do people think long distance relationships can work", "red flag - she is depressed and suicidal" none of which help. Perhaps im expecting too much here though, i dont wish to be judged (i only posted the bad parts of our relationship, there was so much good in it) but i feel as though im being kicked when im already down here. That being said, thank you for reading my story and taking the time to respond.

[pteromom]

I'm kind of steamed at your response, as I came here for help, not for anyone to make a bunch of statements about my relationship such as "TOXIC RELATIONSHIP"

 

Based on what you wrote, it WAS a toxic relationship. That's not an insult, and it doesn't mean that there was no good in your relationship.

 

Kudos to her for recognizing it. You may have only called her "bitch" and "slut" a few times, but you have to realize that no amount of love erases those words. They become scars. And eventually, when there are enough scars, the love underneath them is no longer accessible.

 

I am glad she wants to heal herself - hopefully she is doing so with the help of professionals.

 

So what I would recommend to you is to use this time to heal yourself as well. Think about what you learned in your childhood that made it "OK" to you to call someone you love names. Think about what you contributed to the bad parts of your relationship, and how your actions prevented the growth of the relationship. Do a lot of reading about how to create a successful relationship. Consider therapy for yourself. All of this will help you in your future, whether it is with her or not.

 

And hopefully it can be. You guys are young - there is no reason you can't come back together after you spend a little time working on yourselves. Keep the lines of communication with her open and throw yourself into making yourself the best man you can.

[Dazzee]

Based on what you wrote, it WAS a toxic relationship. That's not an insult, and it doesn't mean that there was no good in your relationship.

 

Kudos to her for recognizing it. You may have only called her "bitch" and "slut" a few times, but you have to realize that no amount of love erases those words. They become scars. And eventually, when there are enough scars, the love underneath them is no longer accessible.

 

I am glad she wants to heal herself - hopefully she is doing so with the help of professionals.

 

So what I would recommend to you is to use this time to heal yourself as well. Think about what you learned in your childhood that made it "OK" to you to call someone you love names. Think about what you contributed to the bad parts of your relationship, and how your actions prevented the growth of the relationship. Do a lot of reading about how to create a successful relationship. Consider therapy for yourself. All of this will help you in your future, whether it is with her or not.

 

And hopefully it can be. You guys are young - there is no reason you can't come back together after you spend a little time working on yourselves. Keep the lines of communication with her open and throw yourself into making yourself the best man you can.

 

Thank you. I am proud of her and hold no bad feelings towards her for leaving me. She wants to leave so she can heal herself and although it is selfish, it's the right thing for her. I wish more than anything we can be together in the future, I truly adore her in every way. It was so hard for her to summon up the strength to stop our relationship, I know she needs to do this herself and I can't be around for it, as desperately as I want to be there for her, but that's one of our biggest problems, I've always taken care of her and she doesn't know how to take care of herself anymore.

 

Nothing in my life has ever made those words acceptable, I find it so hard to even forgive myself for them. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made and I deserve no sympathy for it. I was cruel and disrespectful and nobody should have to ever be put down like that. I apologized with all my heart to her for this. I just let my frustrations build up and explode whilst my insecurities were running wild, which lead me to these words, it's never acceptable, I know. It hurts me to hear how you explained the scarring thing, I still live in hope that the hurt will heal for her though and that she can forgive me.

 

I plan to give her the space she needs to heal but ill always be there for her if she needs me. I will become a better person also. I told her she will find happiness no matter what happens and that I believe in her. I know she can be happy with me and heal but she sadly needs me not to be there, since she relies on me too heavily.

[pteromom]

I just let my frustrations build up and explode whilst my insecurities were running wild, which lead me to these words, it's never acceptable, I know. It hurts me to hear how you explained the scarring thing, I still live in hope that the hurt will heal for her though and that she can forgive me.

 

Forgiveness can only come if you know the other person "gets" it, understands how they hurt you, and they never, never, never do it again. No matter how angry they are. One slip up erases all the progress.

 

When you truly love someone, you want the best for them. You want them to be happy and feel loved and whole. It is counter-productive to use your own words to take away from their happiness and make them feel worthless.

 

I know you know all this logically, but you need to internalize it and really put some thought into what love is, so you can make better choices in the future.

[Dazzee]

Forgiveness can only come if you know the other person "gets" it, understands how they hurt you, and they never, never, never do it again. No matter how angry they are. One slip up erases all the progress.

 

When you truly love someone, you want the best for them. You want them to be happy and feel loved and whole. It is counter-productive to use your own words to take away from their happiness and make them feel worthless.

 

I know you know all this logically, but you need to internalize it and really put some thought into what love is, so you can make better choices in the future.

 

Thank you for your perspective on the matter. I feel as though I get it, she made things very vauge for me to understand and would get frustrated at me and mad because I'd ask her things twice (she was emotionally exhausted at this point). But we talked yesterday and connected really well.. Like we were still together, we kissed and hugged and were there for one another. I knew as great as everything was for me and her that day, it was still over. It was almost cruel to experience that whilst knowing this, we both cried, a lot. She felt the connection the love and care too. We talked and I did end up truly understanding why this happened, not just what happened on the face of things but motivation and strength to do so.

 

I will never slip up again, I would do anything for her forgiveness, I truly love her. Thank you for your perspective on forgiveness, I really need hers, I hurt so much thinking how much I hurt her.

[Dazzee]

Would appreciate any other replies!

[Chi townD]

Sure! Dude, let her go. If she resents you now, hounding her won't make it any better.

 

Plus, you stated that you two argued a lot. Like, you two could never get on the same page. It sounds like you two never really understood each other.

 

And I know that you don't want to hear it. I'm not buying that she went to some dudes room and he molested her. Sorry, just not seeing it. That can be constituted as rape and or sexual assault. Was the guy arrested? Nope!

 

I mean, she willingly went into that guys room. I mean, come on! She's in a committed relationship, she has NO BUSINESS being in another dudes bed. PERIOD!

 

I speculate that a lot more happened and woke the next morning feeling guilty about what happened. Went back to her dorm and cried molestation because she was afraid word of what REALLY happened would have gotten back to you. So, spin her own story before you heard about it.

 

Sorry, but I think it's time for you to move on.

[Dazzee]

Sure! Dude, let her go. If she resents you now, hounding her won't make it any better.

 

Plus, you stated that you two argued a lot. Like, you two could never get on the same page. It sounds like you two never really understood each other.

 

And I know that you don't want to hear it. I'm not buying that she went to some dudes room and he molested her. Sorry, just not seeing it. That can be constituted as rape and or sexual assault. Was the guy arrested? Nope!

 

I mean, she willingly went into that guys room. I mean, come on! She's in a committed relationship, she has NO BUSINESS being in another dudes bed. PERIOD!

 

I speculate that a lot more happened and woke the next morning feeling guilty about what happened. Went back to her dorm and cried molestation because she was afraid word of what REALLY happened would have gotten back to you. So, spin her own story before you heard about it.

 

Sorry, but I think it's time for you to move on.

 

Like I said, I didn't make this thread for people's assumptions on that matter. I believe what I already believe and there was no way on this earth I'd have ever found out about it. This I'd irrelevant to the situation at hand now, which is my real concern. The issue of my past has been dealt with and I have come to peace and acceptance with it. There is a lot more to that story than I have posted I just posted the essentials to explain the only other part of our relationship which was significantly bad, caused resentment and a break up.

 

I have stopped contacting her though like you suggested. We also did not understand one another in an argument, due to our stubborn natures. Outside of that we know and understand each other than anyone else. I will try move on, but sadly my hope of rekindling our love will remain, I know I should try not to but I can't help it.