HumptyDumpty Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Over 1 year post-BU, some hassle, NC and what so not.... I'm pretty good about being just "friends" with my ex! I really want him to be happy and if tomorrow he would have a girlfriend, it'd be weird at first since he is like me single since the BU (well, I guess lol) but I'd be happy for him! Thing is, he's totally unsuitable as a partner for me, I'd be unable to seriously talk with him or future goals that are deal breakers anyways, but we get along well and laugh a lot! It's not really a serious friendship even, just things that are very light and passing a good time! Now, it's summer and I agreed going to the beach sometimes with him, like last year (however last year was ugly, no NC and him telling me it's only as friends since I still had feelings)! That's wasn't a prob, beach went well even we we saw each other then after 1 year not seeing each other... However, I'm in constant contact with my dad, which is sweet in a way since he cares about me, well, it's nice as a long-time single girl to always have a nice text! That day I wrote him that I went o the beach with my ex! He answered that he could have guessed since we (me & ex) both couldn't go without each other... to which I replied that there is nothing going on at all and that it's only friendly! Even my mum joked one day when i told her that I'm in contact via text with my ex without more, she told jokingly that one day we'll be married hein... Even as a joke, it shocked me! (I hope she's not right on this one like mums usually always are LOL) So yeah, my question here is- when you're friends with your ex, what do you do? I mean, you're friends and no hard feelings involved! How does your family or friends react to this if they know? What activities would you do with an ex and which not? How to define this friendship? Since I can't call this a real friendship at all, more like passing time? I guess if we both had partners, there would be less texts (I mean, we both write like up to 30 a day lol) and less time to see each other... I'm fine with the contact with my ex but the reactions of others (You're friends? yeaaaaah riiiiiiight!! *wink wink*) leave me a bit confused to be honest
Babolat Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 To me, it would be more of an "electronic" friendship..maybe some "How ya doing" emails/texts, "I need some advice on something" kind of thing. Not so much spending time together.
lemonlegs Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Not mentioning, it will invariably pose some problems when either of you gets a new partner. MOST people aren't cool with their significant others just "hanging out" with their exes.
jesse93 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 I have to agree with the person above, if he did get a new girl and you two hung out and she found out that you're his ex she would probably want him to cut all contacts with you, thats how i was with my ex and one of her ex boyfriends. If you honestly believe you can be friends without any weird mixed emotions about each other then i say go for it, but I think if you start hanging out with him those emotions and feelings will start to come back within time.
Author HumptyDumpty Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Yeah, I'm quite aware of this problem... if he would have stayed in contact with his ex, I wouldn't have considered one minute going out with him! It's quite negative to have an ex constantly around, I'd think that the person obviously hasn't move on yet with some constant contact... I'm quite torn actually! After long periods of NC, I thought that rightly, there's no need to be friends with an ex, it's not a real friendship! I've never seen my friends naked and....you know, stuff On the other hand... I do miss the contact! I really do! His personality is such a rare pearl! I've meet hundreds of people in so many different countries and there was no-one like him, so I'm kinda stuck! And I guess he's feeling the same way, you know, me being the nutty one always surprising him etc... So, I'm a bit stuck between those 2 worlds, I can't be with him (with impossible deal-breakers, communication problems etc) but I can't be without him... Personally, if I would say that I got a bf, he'd stop contact altogether! And I'd do the same for his girlfriends sake, I wouldn't want to destroy his luck by hovering over them you know? Staying in contact is in a way an indirect way of saying I'M SIIIIIIIIIIINGLE!!!! lol In a way my dad was right saying that him & I, we couldn't go without each other! But there is this "you still love each other *wink wink*" nuance I'm insecure about to be honest! There are no feelings, he told me last year that there is nothing but friendship and nothing sexual has been going on! Quite a mess I got in maybe, I'm stuck! Confused on how to correctly maintain a friendship with an ex having to much time at hand being both single
Blastoplast Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Reading your posts it doesn't sound like you're over him, IMO 1
Author HumptyDumpty Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Well, it's tricky! I do care about him but I have moved on since he told me last year that it's only friendship! I did go NC for a very long time and it's him that reached out again this summer! I wouldn't mind trying again with a new relationship, with a fresh start and those old problems solved! But I don't mind a relationship with a guy I find cute in my university! I'd say a single girl weighing her options again, wanting to date, that's all, nothing I would be worrying about! I've moved on, I know he's maybe f* another girl in this moment and it doesn't bother me, I want him to be happy that's all! That his happiness right now is me not being his gf, well, I respect it, I've come to terms with this months ago It was mainly him who reached out as friends and contact is mainly via texts! Seen the texts we send each other, it's quite rare we really see each other, like, going to the beach or other! But.... well, I don't know, it still confuses me! Nobody else in this same mess? What the heck is friendship with an ex? It's so complicated...
Blastoplast Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 My opinion? Take some more time for yourself. Have you even tried dating yet? I was with the same woman for 7 years and we've been broken up for 1 1/2 years now. Since then I've had 2 casual girlfriends (one didn't work out b/c of time/distance) and numerous little flings. And you know what? It's pretty fun! Just meeting new people, experiencing new things has opened my eyes to a world of wonderful amazement! I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends with your ex, in fact if you had a great friendship I would encourage it. I just say do it with trepidation, wait until you're 100% sure you're over them (I still think there are lingering feelings with you and yours). I keep in contact with my EX, but I haven't seen her in 6 months... I feel that if I see her again I'll take too large a step back and I've been making great progress by meeting new friends, strengthening bonds with my old friends and dating new women. For the first time in years I'm happy with where I am as a person and in life and I don't need one person to ruin that for me. So abridged version: Live a little for yourself if you haven't already, don't be scared to date new people because even if it doesn't work out, it's still fun. And enjoy every sandwich. *I want to remain friends with my ex, but it's just an electronic friendship right now. We have such great chemistry, but I want to be over her before I decide "Oh hey, let's do some dinner and catch up", because I think even that might open some old wounds. Best of luck with everything
Author HumptyDumpty Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Yeah, I get what you mean! And I guess that even if I moved on, that there are feeling-left-overs in some part of my heart that want to be warmed up? Tricky to say since I care about him, no romantic feelings, more like feelings you have with a bro'! But yet again, there something so animal-like inside us, I wouldn't want to be stuck all alone with him somewhere when he's probably wearing that perfume... you get what I mean And to answer the question, yes I've been to several dates even! Not dating, just getting to know some new people! But I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship at the moment! Or even FWB which I could have this night even! I didn't feel some connection with those guys! Of course, I'll continue the search but yeah, my ex is unbeatable in this field! I'm not lying saying that this guy is very special, he really is! Defaults are there but he's got a potential to be my soulmate! Crazy crap I know, didn't even think I'll be writing this... but having seen some of the world and loads of people, he was really one of thousand that struck me... This being said, I'll continue my path and scan for some nice chaps that I could be interested in, I got one in my vision but well I think I'll hold on to this thread since it has been bothering quite some time actually! Before, I thought it's impossible to stay friends but now I think sincerely it can be possible! And I seriously want to! But it'll be a lot of hard work! I realized this tonight with texting.... I always had serious trouble communicating with him like I do with like everyone else! And tonight was again one of those moments where his particular attitude pissed me off! So I wrote the fact that I'm incapable of communicating with him properly which is a shame... it was something minor but I really hope that we can work on this and I guess he got the point and the situation calmed down again! If it's friendship or even more, it clearly involves some effort from both parts
Sugarkane Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 Being friends with an ex is like being a glutton for punishment.
Author HumptyDumpty Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 Yeah, like keeping the dead dog and eat vomit right? Honestly, I don't know! It doesn't have to be and before it screws me up big time, I'll stop! I've never been down this road and I'm curious what will come out of this! I really do, since there is potential!
Leigh 87 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 I think some people can be friends with their exes, but even in the best case scenarios, some small degrees of hurt and pain will ensue.... My ex of 3 months ago? We love each other. The level of care we have for one another is intense and far more immense that that of our best platonic friends, yet we do not feel an urge to be together. We will honestly always love each other. We care about each other to the extent to which it is considered "love". It is just not an all consuming romantic style of love anymore. The thing is; we only touch base once a week. Via a phone call. We do not see each other. In our hearts, we 100% feel that, deep down, we KNOW we are best friends and always will be great friends; however, due to the break up being too recent, we know we cannot physically implement this friendship yet! We KNOW we are great friends, we are not one of those that "are just somebody that you used to know" as the song goes:lmao: We are very secure in that we KNOW that we make each other so happy as friends - we make each other laugh, and we KNOW we are wonderful friends. We know we could live without each other. But we just add too much joy to each others lives! We did not work out as romantic partners, but we just have something together that really adds such value to each others lives! We do not need to talk for weeks at a time, to feel this richness that we add to each others lives. It lies within our hearts. We smile when we think of certain things and even laugh out loud, due to thinking of each other in given situations!!!!!! .....But it will never be an "every day" sort of friendship! Why? Well, because we will get new partners. ................................ Look. Every pair of exes has a different past, different personalities and a different "thing" going for each other, in the end. There are not set rules, however, take note; MOST exes can never be friends again, until YEARS later, once they have reached total indifference. Me, personally? I honestly do not regard him in a romantic way, and feel quiet safe and secure with our once a week chats! I have already fallen for other men. I do not think of my ex all that much. At least not in THAT way anymore. The reason we cannot just be buddy buddy with each other and hang out every day, is because we both know that it could dig up old feelings, and neither of us want to each about each others love or sex lives... I will warn you: some guys like my ex, WILL NEVER want to hear about your new guys. I know my ex is not the type who will ever be okay with me talking about my love or sex life. Be careful around your ex. I think that, after a year, you could easily handle an OCCASIONAL hang out session with your ex! Heck, it is only 3 months post break up and I can handle talking to my ex and I am well and truly moving on, even with occasional, low contact! Just do not mention other guys. My ex got very hurt when I brought up my current guy dramas, so yeah.... This is another large reason why it would be foolish to hang out too often! Something could slip out that the other person would NOT be happy to hear about! As for me? I would not be that phased or upset if he met someone else. I expect him to have hooked up by now, albeit he says he has not remotely found anyone to date yet. I still so not want to HEAR about what he does with other women, or who he dates. It is just not something you WANT to hear, given the fact that you were once so close and you once belonged to each other in that romantic sense! Seeing other people in your old role is still a tad weird in these early stages:lmao: That is my story after 3 months post break up. A year after I think it is okay for a lot of exes to hang out OCCASIONALLY, as genuine friends! But still watch your tongue with issues pertaining to your love and sex lives. And be prepared to scale your friendship back to "facebook buddies, and only occasional, once a week messages at that" once they start dating a girl seriously. 1
cavalier99 Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 (edited) Hmm my ex and i have no problem discussing out new significant others or even discussing sex ecetera. I joke all the time with her about if she got laid or had a romantic weekend. She will rent great hotel rooms for me and my new GF if i need one at a great rate thru her work. So neither one of us is jealous or anything like that, Edited August 18, 2013 by cavalier99
Author HumptyDumpty Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Well, well, tiny update... The summer went quite well, we went 3 times or so to the beach! Once it was extremely windy so we went to the tiny town and visited a bit before driving the 15km back for nothing, it was nice! On the way back I was really hungry and without a word he drove to our fav' asian restaurant and invited me! I was quite surprised and loved it, the food and of course the nonsense we talk about... Last time we were there was a year ago and I was unable to eat even, I was laughing so hard Now, the contact continues via text, until next year for beach-time, we agreed on that haha However, he invited me over for dinner soon around his house with lots of asian food! We did that only once when we were still together on new years eve so that was sorta special, it was nice but there were moments where I could have stormed off to go home... I suggestd preparing myself dinner as well over to my house once I have money again, I'm a student! The problem is not the dinner thing itself, I mean it's normal for friends right? Plus there was nothing sexual going on and never will! But sometimes I do think about the problems when one is in a relationship :/ And even now, there's a whole lot of texting and contact, a lot of "relationship" privileges I would rather say... I'll just go along with the flow while looking for a nice guy in the meanwhile but I guess I'll slowly have to slow down this contact since no good will come round if this continues at this rate (and yeah, it's partly my fault as well)
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