shouldawouldacoulda Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Hello to anyone reading! If I could have anything right now, it would to be able to push fast forward on my life, so I could feel better. I've been lurking on loveshack for about a week now, and thought I would finally register and post today. It's difficult for me to cut my story short, but I will try my best! I met my now ex in October 2006, I was 19, he was 21. He was immature, and I had (ok, still have) a temper. After an emotional and volatile 6 and a half year relationship, in March just gone he left where we lived together for what I consider the last time (we have broken up many times before, for various reasons, but every reason was related to something he had done and the way that made me feel, and I find it hard to let things go). So, we broke up in March, and since then it's just been a 5 month rollercoaster as we have still been in touch, hanging out and sleeping together. I probably engaged in the latter because I wanted him back. And he couldn't say that he didn't say things to me that made me believe he wanted to work things out (and he said many things to make me think this!) I would never say I was blame free for everything that was crap in our relationship, I have my own issues such as bitterness, anger and resentment, but all of my actions have been reactions to his actions and how they made me feel. He knows he was lazy during our relationship both physically and mentally. It felt as though there was a battle every week or so. His friends have played a massive part in our unhappiness and his inability to be able to stand up to them and their immature and hurtful ways. This isn't to say we didn't have good times, we made each other laugh and when we were on our own (such as on holidays) we always enjoyed ourselves. He was close to my family, and I/they did a lot for him to try to help him succeed in life. He is a big dreamer, but not much of a doer, and this also applies to making things up to me when he had upset me. He admits himself he never tried, and now it's over I feel so hurt and broken that he didn't think I was worth trying for. He's given me all the usual talk of "You deserve better than me" and "I'm not good enough for you", but I just thought that he could be better for me if he wanted to. He said he wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, and wanted to concentrate on himself on a number of occasions over the past 5 months since breaking up. But, last week I found out he was seeing someone else. I found out where she lived, and went round there (I know, stupid behaviour, and yes, it's ridiculous and very embarrassing that I did that). I could sense it anyway, and I asked him and he lied. When he finally admitted it he said it wasn't anything serious, even though he had just spent the whole night with her and stayed over..... The pain I felt that day was/is indescribable. I feel so weak, and it's hard for me to imagine my future life without him as he is all I've known since I was 19, and we are swiftly heading towards the age where I wanted to get a house together (although he is awful at saving, I already own a flat where we lived together) and having kids. Now all that is gone, and I feel like this new girl is already more important to him than I am. Obviously it's difficult for me to sum everything up in one post, as I don't want to ramble on. But I was just looking for some support/advice from anyone who has been through anything similar and how to cope? It's been NC for only 4 days (not including looking on fb etc) and it already feels like 40 days! The last thing he said was that I needed to leave him alone and it was best for both of us. But it was only 1 month ago where he sent me a great big long mesaage about how sorry he was and that he daydreamed about us being together and making things work. He has really messed me around. He said he was just confused, and to believe him that he isn't now. I just wish I was as strong, and could fall out of love, but maybe this will come with time? He is just able to do this quicker than me? I don't know, I just don't understand his actions I suppose because it's not something I would ever do to him. Thanks for taking the time to read
Philosoraptor Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 This is the reason going NC at the start is so important. The less you know, the less you'll hurt. He gave you all the normal lines. When someone says "I'm not interested in seeing anyone else" it often means they have someone lined up. Looks like he was able to hold onto you to ease him into moving on, kinda like an emotional tool to help him quit. Pretty much used you to get over you. He may try to bounce back after this little thing he's started fails, but do yourself a favor and realize that he has already shown you what you're in store for. No need to let yourself get wrapped up in such emotional beatings, so stick to your NC. I was in the same place two years ago. 5 years, lived together for 3.5, had a house together, etc. Once you start living for yourself you realize you didn't need them after all. I dated a bit after I took time alone to heal. Now I'm less than a year away from getting married to a wonderful woman that found her way into my life. Short story is to just focus on yourself right now and do the things in life to help you move on, grow, and find happiness. Be patient and treat yourself well. In time you won't remember him and you'll be happier. 1
kayjay85 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 PHILOSORAPTOR i like your post. My ex has moved on after 7 weeks apart from a 4 year relationship. He goes from relationship to relationship it seems cant be by himself but fed me the same lines as SHOULDAWOULDACOULDA. People keep telling me move on get out there but im trying to heal properly even if it means a lot of crying and what ifs. Just so when i do heal and his relationship (rebound) does fail i know i wont want or let him back into my life. Im not saying he will ever come back but i know him so well. I am also doing no contact but it is so hard and has only been 4 days but i wish i would have heard about this from the beginning. The only thing that will get us all through it is realising how often this does happen. We always think we are the only ones who this ever happens too and we all have friends who this happens to but always think we are the only ones. If we heal rather than moving on too quick i think we will have a much better relationship in the end.
Author shouldawouldacoulda Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 Thanks for your replies Firstly, I want to share something that happened on Thursday that was very very very strange. My sister has a salon, which I live above, and help her out sometimes. On Thursday evening, I spotted the ex's new "friend" on a Facebook photo of someone who is friends with one of the girls who works in the salon (hope that makes sense!) I asked the girl who works in the salon if she knew the ex's new friend, and she said, "I have her coming in for a nail appointment now, I'm sure it's her, but she is a new client, she won a prize in a raffle for her nails" So, at this point I thought I was going to throw up, completely baffled at the fact this girl could be walking through the door any second. It was indeed her, and I just couldn't believe it. Of all the salons and all the times, I just happened to ask about her at that time, and then she was literally driving towards me to spend half an hour in my sisters salon!!!!! It was even more strange to find out that she had been in the possession of her voucher since Christmas and only chose now to use it. I put my brave face on and went out in to the salon while my work mate quizzed her. Her apperance made me feel a little better about myself (maybe a mean thing to say) and when she was leaving I asked if I could look at her nails, and paid her a compliment.....it was just the weirdest situation ever, and still cant believe it happened, and makes me think there must be some sort of weird forces at work. She obviously didn't know that the salon was ours, and I don't know if she knew who I was once she came in, I would think that most people look someone up on Facebook (after all that's what I did to her!!) I just cant get over the randomness of coincidence of it all!!! I'm on day of NC, and it feels like forever! I think I find it very difficult because I don't have a huge friendship group, I mostly talk to my mum which is good because I know she wont lose patience with me, but I find it difficult to fill my time because I feel happiest at home. I think you are both right in that it is important to take time to heal, you just feel like an idiot because they seem to be moving on so fast and getting out there to forget about you, and all you want to do is cry. At the moment everywhere I go makes me think about him more because I want to be there with him, even if it's just in the supermarket! Just like kayjay I'm doing a lot of crying and a lot of what if's, and go round in circles blaming myself for the way I was with him. I also wouldnt say that I think he will ever come back, but like you, I know him so well, I just don't know how to throw away 7 years of my life, I feel like it was a waste and he just spent all that time making mistakes on me to now move on to someone else. I don't feel the need to contact him, its more the feeling of I want him to contact me. Just out of curiosity, has anything weird happened to any of you guys like happened to me???
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