King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) Hey everyone. So I moved out with my 20 year old girlfriend recently (I'm 22), a little bit out of town for her schooling (I work full-time, she's going to school and working part-time). I've written about her before on this site, but a little context: she use to be a bit of mess and got kicked out of her house, slept around a lot etc. Well anyways, I asked her to come clean about her past so I knew what I was getting myself into before we moved in together. I'll make a long story short: I forgave her for her past mistakes and we moved in together into a small one bedroom apartment. Fast forward to now, a friend told me about how she cheated on her two previous boyfriends. She never told me about this. When I confronted her about it, she came clean and said she actually cheated on her last boyfriend twice, stating it was the lowest point in her life and that she regrets it horribly. She said she "forgot" about them because she was so drunk and high on drugs (she use to use hard drugs and drink quite a bit; although, she's clean now thanks to me). She said that she pretends it never happened because she is so ashamed of herself. I guess what really irks me about this is that she lied to me and let me move in with her and now I feel trapped. I love her, but I really wouldn't have made this commitment if I knew about this. I mean, she cheated on her boyfriend like 3 months before we met (we hooked up a couple of weeks after she ended it with him). We're on a 1 year lease, we're only on our second month, and she can't afford to live here by herself so now I'm not sure what I'm gonna do if I decide to end it... Ugh, would this be a dealbreaker for you guys? Doesn't this seem a little bit ridiculous? She treats me so well and I can tell she loves me, and vice versa... but... just... UGH...!! Edited August 15, 2013 by King_Crimson
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Last time you brought her up you were given advice to not stay with her but you were so blinded by love you decided to stay anyway. It is no surprise this hot mess keeps getting messier and that she lied. Women with a past never fully come clean. You were told the gap between you two was too wide and it is getting wider each day. Well, she hasn't really done anything bad to me, it's all in her past. I guess I'm not sure whether or not I should look at it like it's in the past and she's working to be better for me or that she'll always be like that. I mean, my family loves her, her friends all think I'm great for her and that she's really changed into a good person and that we're great together. The only thing is, which is kind of hypocrital I guess, is that I have 'cheated' on her (I kissed another girl). Although I told her right away and we're past it now... but it's blah, so much drama I can't stand it.
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 You know a relationship is already over when you are contemplating other girls. I was kind of attacked; but you're right, it's been in my mind the whole time....
Divasu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Wait... So she hasn't cheated on you, you cheated on her though, and you don't trust her. I get having reservations about moving in together after learning about her history, but, you've already cheated on her. What is the point of this relationship again? 1
Maleficent Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Well, she hasn't really done anything bad to me, it's all in her past. I guess I'm not sure whether or not I should look at it like it's in the past and she's working to be better for me or that she'll always be like that. I mean, my family loves her, her friends all think I'm great for her and that she's really changed into a good person and that we're great together. The only thing is, which is kind of hypocrital I guess, is that I have 'cheated' on her (I kissed another girl). Although I told her right away and we're past it now... but it's blah, so much drama I can't stand it. ding,ding,ding! I think you are creating your own drama. 1
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Wait... So she hasn't cheated on you, you cheated on her though, and you don't trust her. I get having reservations about moving in together after learning about her history, but, you've already cheated on her. What is the point of this relationship again? It wasn't like I went out and was like "Hey, I'm gonna cheat today" or "Hey, I'm unhappy with this relationship". I was hanging out with a friend at a party and we were talking and she kissed me. I was rather drunk, realized what was happening, ran out of the room. The next day I told her. She asked me to stay and forgave me. I'm not saying what I did was right, but it gets rather blown out of proportion when the context isn't applied.
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) ding,ding,ding! I think you are creating your own drama. You think so? What am I doing wrong/what would you recommend I do to minimize it? Or this just based on the fact that I kissed that girl? Edited August 15, 2013 by King_Crimson
Divasu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 It wasn't like I went out and was like "Hey, I'm gonna cheat today" or "Hey, I'm unhappy with this relationship". I was hanging out with a friend at a party and we were talking and she kissed me. I was rather drunk, realized what was happening, ran out of the room. The next day I told her. She asked me to stay and forgave me. I'm not saying what I did was right, but it gets rather blown out of proportion when the context isn't applied. I wasn't trying to blow it out of proportion, just assessing the facts as you've presented them. I can't really comment on her past behavior as it applies to your current relationship because she hasn't committed an offense. So, what I am saying is, is that without trust there is no relationship and boundaries have already been crossed whether it was an 'accident' or not. Now, you both have a history of cheating.
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 I wasn't trying to blow it out of proportion, just assessing the facts as you've presented them. I can't really comment on her past behavior as it applies to your current relationship because she hasn't committed an offense. So, what I am saying is, is that without trust there is no relationship and boundaries have already been crossed whether it was an 'accident' or not. Now, you both have a history of cheating. Alright, fair enough. I know I seemed defensive; it's just I get a lot of flack from friends and family over this and I feel it's somewhat unfair. Honesty can be strenuous sometimes... I didn't sleep with this girl while she did sleep with those guys so I feel it's a higher boundary to cross (she was worse and actually looked to 'get back' at her boyfriends as opposed to me being... 'attacked'). I don't know where this thread is going anymore... lol
Divasu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Alright, fair enough. I know I seemed defensive; it's just I get a lot of flack from friends and family over this and I feel it's somewhat unfair. Honesty can be strenuous sometimes... I didn't sleep with this girl while she did sleep with those guys so I feel it's a higher boundary to cross (she was worse and actually looked to 'get back' at her boyfriends as opposed to me being... 'attacked'). I don't know where this thread is going anymore... lol That's a bit silly. You're comparing an offense that your girlfriend committed in a past relationship that you were not a part of, to an offense you committed in your present relationship with her. Of course kissing is not as 'bad' as having sex with someone in terms of cheating, but, it's still a form of betrayal either way. The rationale is a bit off.... Are you sure this is the right woman for you? I think you seriously need to reconsider moving in at this juncture.
Divasu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 He didn't cheat. Some girl got aggressive and kissed him. It wasn't his fault. I've heard that explanation before, so, please forgive me for taking issue with it. His girlfriend willing had sex with others while in previous relationships. That is clearly cheating. People who cheat tend to never stop. Their moral compasses are so different I don't know how he could reconcile the two to have a healthy, functioning relationship. Agreed.
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 That's a bit silly. You're comparing an offense that your girlfriend committed in a past relationship that you were not a part of, to an offense you committed in your present relationship with her. Of course kissing is not as 'bad' as having sex with someone in terms of cheating, but, it's still a form of betrayal either way. The rationale is a bit off.... Are you sure this is the right woman for you? I think you seriously need to reconsider moving in at this juncture. I have already moved in, that's part of the problem. The other part is is that I love her and don't know whether I should stay or go (whether this offence is too much to forgive)...
Divasu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I have already moved in, that's part of the problem. The other part is is that I love her and don't know whether I should stay or go (whether this offence is too much to forgive)... Well, yeah, that's a problem. I know it's a sucky feeling to be at this crossroad. You don't have to do anything rash, try to get your thoughts together and be 100% honest with yourself as to whether or not this is something you can both overcome. Good luck. 1
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) Well, yeah, that's a problem. I know it's a sucky feeling to be at this crossroad. You don't have to do anything rash, try to get your thoughts together and be 100% honest with yourself as to whether or not this is something you can both overcome. Good luck. Thank you, I really appreciate taking the time to deal with my ramblings . Edited August 15, 2013 by King_Crimson 1
Adele0908 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Who are you to forgive HER for her past mistakes? Its her past and has nothing to do with you or right now. You sound really immature and I think you two should just be friends. 1
Author King_Crimson Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) Who are you to forgive HER for her past mistakes? Its her past and has nothing to do with you or right now. You sound really immature and I think you two should just be friends. It's not that, you're missing the point. Before we moved in I asked her to come clean about any skeletons in her closet so I could be more secure moving in with her. She didn't tell me about her cheating past and I heard it through someone else. I didn't feel I deserved that and I might not have moved in with her if I knew that before... it's a breach of trust. Edit: if you're talking about 'forgiving' her for her past sexual encounters, then I guess that wasn't the right word to use. Perhaps 'accept' would be more appropriate. And just as a side-note: I am very mature, thank you very much. Maybe too mature... Edited August 15, 2013 by King_Crimson
JenniC Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 It's not that, you're missing the point. Before we moved in I asked her to come clean about any skeletons in her closet so I could be more secure moving in with her. She didn't tell me about her cheating past and I heard it through someone else. I didn't feel I deserved that and I might not have moved in with her if I knew that before... it's a breach of trust. Edit: if you're talking about 'forgiving' her for her past sexual encounters, then I guess that wasn't the right word to use. Perhaps 'accept' would be more appropriate. And just as a side-note: I am very mature, thank you very much. Maybe too mature... She's 20. 20. No one has the right to judge somone on their past relationships at that age, unless they've been abusive to someone. She didn't tell you because she's embarrassed. She's a kid (yes, still a kid, judging by what you've said about her), who is trying desperately to change and turn her life around. The last thing she needs is you breathing down her neck and juding her childish errors. There is a huge difference between a 20 and a 22 year old. Those two years can change a personality. When I was 20, I was an idiot. I'm not a goddess now, but I'm certainly more mature, and wouldn't dream of behaving the way I did aged 20 or younger. Her past is hers. What she did is none of your business. You already know her past misdemenours, and she even admitted and told you more about the "new" ones. Poor girl probably doesn't want to keep adding past teenage mistakes to your vast encyclopaedia of judgement.
Author King_Crimson Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) She's 20. 20. No one has the right to judge somone on their past relationships at that age, unless they've been abusive to someone. She didn't tell you because she's embarrassed. She's a kid (yes, still a kid, judging by what you've said about her), who is trying desperately to change and turn her life around. The last thing she needs is you breathing down her neck and juding her childish errors. There is a huge difference between a 20 and a 22 year old. Those two years can change a personality. When I was 20, I was an idiot. I'm not a goddess now, but I'm certainly more mature, and wouldn't dream of behaving the way I did aged 20 or younger. Her past is hers. What she did is none of your business. You already know her past misdemenours, and she even admitted and told you more about the "new" ones. Poor girl probably doesn't want to keep adding past teenage mistakes to your vast encyclopaedia of judgement. What am I judging on? This is my life, I need to know these things BEFORE I MOVE OUT with someone. What is so wrong with that? When you start living with someone, it's like signing a contract. You don't buy a house without viewing it first and looking over its history. I do believe she can change, but I still have the right to know these things. If you think she needs to grow up, then me getting upset at her for this is a wake up call to be more mature. Life is tough, you don't get a free ride. I've been really good to her. I told her everything about me (all the problems I have), I pay most of the rent at this apartment, I drive her everywhere, I help with schoolwork, etc. I even helped her pass high school... I deserved to know about the cheating, whether or not she was planning on or has changed. That's what love is; it's based on trust. I needed to know BEFORE we got into this situation because it could have potentially RUINED us. Anyways, I have forgiven her and this wasn't me trying to get out of the situation. I just needed some advise and this 'let's bash King_Crimson' fest is really uncalled for... Edited August 16, 2013 by King_Crimson
Divasu Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 What am I judging on? This is my life, I need to know these things BEFORE I MOVE OUT with someone. What is so wrong with that? When you start living with someone, it's like signing a contract. You don't buy a house without viewing it first and looking over its history. I do believe she can change, but I still have the right to know these things. If you think she needs to grow up, then me getting upset at her for this is a wake up call to be more mature. Life is tough, you don't get a free ride. I've been really good to her. I told her everything about me (all the problems I have), I pay most of the rent at this apartment, I drive her everywhere, I help with schoolwork, etc. I even helped her pass high school... I deserved to know about the cheating, whether or not she was planning on or has changed. That's what love is; it's based on trust. I needed to know BEFORE we got into this situation because it could have potentially RUINED us. Anyways, I have forgiven her and this wasn't me trying to get out of the situation. I just needed some advise and this 'let's bash King_Crimson' fest is really uncalled for... Don't worry about those comments... The history of cheating happened 3 months before you met her. So, obviously it is still pretty fresh in your head. You're not bashing her, just sounds like you're trying to keep things in perspective. Perfectly reasonable.
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