Stages of letting go

[maidai]

What are they normally. How did you find them, how long did each stage last? I dont know whether I am going through everything quite quickly or kidding myself and it is likely to come back and bite me on the butt again in a few days/weeks/months.

So far the shock and desperation lasted a a few hours then I quickly moved into self pity and a good old wail, that quickly lifted and I had a blow out for a few days with friends during which stage I could not have given two hoots, I had some serious fun and it turned into one of the best fun weeks of my life. During the come down from that the last few days I found indifference and stopped wrapping it up nicely with a bow because for whatever reason he went back to her her went back to her choosing her over me. I almost reached an acceptance. Today though I keep swinging from indifferent to an overwhelming anger based around not having that last conversation where I got to send him off with love and wish him well BUT tell him he has hurt me broken my heart and confused me and when/if it all goes pear shaped the door will not be open.

 

I thing that my biggest bug bear is this not having said DO NOT under any circumstances run back to me to cushion your blow. Its like having this anger hanging over you that you are moving on getting stronger and anyday now or in the next 20 years they could just contact you because you did not get chance to say do not!

 

I think this is possibly the last stage now for me and if I can find a way to deal with the overwhelming anger and sense he could rock up I will be free! I am loving no contact and the fact I do not have to be a slave to my mobile, email, wats ap, etc etc and do not want to break it so need to find a way through this anger without having my say.

Edited August 15, 2013 by maidai

[Wambo]

What are they normally. How did you find them, how long did each stage last? I dont know whether I am going through everything quite quickly or kidding myself and it is likely to come back and bite me on the butt again in a few days/weeks/months.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this but you're only experiencing the tip of the iceberg and the emotional pain will continue for many months. You may feel fine but I can gurentee you will be an emotional wreck. The best thing to do is to stay strong and fight the possible depression heading your way.

 

However to answer your question, everyone situation is different to each other and the healing process will vary. In my situation my EA partner is/was in regular contact with me and made the healing process slower than it should of been. However now after of many months I'm feeling a lot better but it doesn't mean I'm out the woods. There is every possibility I could fall back into the affair but this time PA?

[waytogo]

Respectfully Maidai, I disagree with some of Wambp's post. Wambo please know I appreciate that was how it was for you.

 

In my case, the depression was hitting pretty hard knowing I needed out of the distracting deadens situation. When I finally did it there was relief. Didn't go jog a few miles, but slept better than I had for quite a while.

 

There were still ups and downs. No down was ever as low as when I remained in the situation feeling bad about it. My out was my salvation. I truly still think of XMM as a person worth knowing. For me, an A is just not worth the energy it eats. I'm a person who meets many people and enjoys learning about them and sharing about me. Obvious contradiction to doing that while in an A.

 

It may not have been killing me physically, but it was killing my core.

[maidai]

Thanks both x

 

Wambo I really hope it is not going to be like that lol. Today after I stopped feeling angry about not getting to close the door I sort of thought oh stuff it. I can either carry it around like poison or accept I am not going to get the chance to close the door and I need to deal with it and have felt fine since.

 

I am just worried that only one week no contact and I have had no urge to be in contact and have not missed his contact either and hope he never gets back in contact. Im sort of so complacent about it that I am worried its not normal and the reason for that is below...

 

Waytogo

 

You can read the back story of what happened here...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/415737-how-protect-yourself-becoming-ow

 

It was not a classic OW situation and I was genuinally his partner/girlfriend we were very much a couple through our 18mnths together and a very happy one.

 

Its really weird because I keep getting two takes on it really from friends. Some sort of do the he was married but yes he did love and adore you but he was MARRIED and my other friends see it as he cheated on me with his wife. Its very weird because I keep swinging from feeling like the OW to the BS. I have tried to do some reading and there does not seem to be many if any situations I can find like mine. A long term no secret genuine long relationship with a man going through a divorce. We had continued to make future plans ie next years holiday and everything booked. For him then to run back to his abusive wife on the day of the decree nisi after 3 years apart and 18mnths with me as a bonofida couple is mental and surreal. I dont even fit a rebound situation lol as they had been split for 18mnths with no interest in reconcilliation on both sides when we hooked up. I just dont seem to fit. It seems that all other situations were either secret even if they were seperated or still with their wives and carrying out a secret affair or with their wives and the wives finding out. Its really weird because we did not tick all the classic boxes so its hard to find people who went through the same.

 

At the moment I feel if the marriage broke down quickly and he came running I would laugh and shove the door shut. I am worried moreso that the longer he is away and should the marriage break down because I am such a soft mare who can not hold grudges I will forget the painful details of how terribly vile he treated me. I am even wondering if I should write down somewhere or create a blog to put it all down so I can re visit the horror of the last week or so should he arrive and whether it will also be quite theraputic

Edited August 15, 2013 by maidai

[Wambo]

maidai you should be proud of yourself for being so strong and having the will power to get through this emotional hell hole. It took me two attempts of NC to clear my head enough and wake up to reality.

 

You have the strength and will to get through this, however you haven't reach the worst stage let. In my experience of full NC it's the third week I suffered the hating stage but after that it's uphill. The depression that followed during my LC mistake was mostly managable as long no one upset me. Now I can see clearly and strong enough to manage my situation.

[Cocochai]

For me it's been up and down. I feel it worst when I'm at work because sometimes I'm looking for his company truck to drive down the street. I expect him to text me to tell me he's near. Sometimes I feel the urge to cry and I hold it in so my coworkers won't think something is wrong. But all it does is cause my mood to shift and a huge headache by the end of the day.

 

When I cry it out I'm fine. I also pray about it to help the pain go away. If anyone told me that it would be this hard to get over an A, I wouldn't have believed them. This is harder then any breakup I've had to go through.

[thecharade]

There ARE stages, ebbs and flows, and you will get to know yours. Stay focused on your logical side knowing that your emotional side will eventually catch up.

[JourneyLady]

I think I'm finally out of denial and into the anger stage. I have a lot of pillows, and soft furniture fortunately.

[Feb]

I'm not saying Wambo is wrong, but the letting go stage is very different for everyone, based on your own personality, your APs and your own situation. I know people on this board that have truly recovered after a few weeks, and others still pining away over their lost love years after the A is over. I would celebrate your quick progress, and don't automatically think your are in denial or the worst is about to come, because maybe it won't -- and wouldn't that be great? There is some statistic out there that correlates the healing time to be about half the time the relationship lasted. So if you were in a 2 year A, it takes one year to heal. That's not scientific and I'm not sure how you can measure that.

 

I can share my own letting go experience which I think went fairly well because both xMM and I held true to NC (the second and final time) and that helped me. I don't know if it was good for him, and at this point I don't care.

 

Stage 1 -- Shock and Withdrawl: Sudden sadness, shock and anger. I lost my appetite and didn't eat for two days. The "withdrawl" is not having him text me, or not having someone I could text. We talked every day on the way to work and on the way home, so that was a void as well. Lots of crying and walking around like a zombie unable to think.

 

For me, this was 3 weeks.

 

Stage 2 -- Anger and Closure: At this stage I kept asking myself why and how this whole situation happened. Why did he not keep any of his promises. Angry at him, and angrier at myself. This is a dangerous stage because you will want closure and that last meeting/conversation to happen. Others will want to tell their AP's BS. Some will disagree with me, but wanting Closure (and I capitalize this on purpose) is just another way of breaking NC. Look on the Baggage Reclaim site under the topic of Closure and there is great reading there. In a nutshell Closure comes from YOU -- not the other person! You don't need that last discussion to happen, even in cases of sudden NC. Others have send angry and emotional letters in this stage as well, and some have really regretted what they sent afterwards. It's important to really think through everything and not break NC at this stage.

 

 

What helped me a lot was walking through all the closure scenarios -- what would I say? How would he respond? In all 500 scenarios, there wasn't really a happy ending. There is nothing he could have said that would have made this all better. If he was very direct and honest with me ("I just don't want to see you anymore") that would have hurt. If he fed me more lines ("I love you, so I'm letting you go"), I wouldn't have believed him. Not getting Closure was the best closure, if that makes any sense.

 

The good news is at this stage the text addiction starts to wear off. This stage was another 3 weeks for me.

 

Stage 3 -- Acceptance and Healing: This is where I accepted and started to enjoy the fact he is out of my life. He is not going to come back and contact me. Even if he did, I would have to maintain NC forever. I have to accept that we were great friends before the A, and that friendship is lost forever. I started to really enjoy not being a slave to my phone and the ILY texts, and the routine of talking to him everyday. I looked at all the downsides of the relationship and realize I am soooooo much better off without him. Even if both of us magically became unattached, I know I would not be in a relationship with this person based on what I know now. I am no longer angry with him. I have to accept my role in this, and that we are both human and acted very poorly in this situation. Although I don't wish to ever see him again, I don't wish him ill will either. At this point it would be incredibly awkward for me if I ran into him again, and I hope to be in a place someday where if I did run into him accidentally, I wouldn't break out in a sweat and start hyperventilating, which is what I think would happen today.

 

Although we all differ in our situations, these two things generally work very well during the healing process:

 

-Strict NC. I was lucky because both of us held true to this.

 

-Staying busy. The less time idle time you have, the less time you have to think of your xAP. I was lucky again, in that I became incredibly busy at work around this time and that helped a lot.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Feb