Girl's bday - no invitation

[SantistaUSA]

Thanks to everyone for your replies

 

Here is a little more information:

 

- In our mid 20s

- We are almost exclusive, I really don't think she is seeing anyone else.

- I have met a few of her friends, although this party seems to be closer friends as some are flying over for it.

- There are 3 males going, all of which are in a relationship

 

I've slipped hints and seem interested. I did say things like "oh that's sounds like so much fun!", "are you doing anything before the party?", "how are you getting there?", "have you been to the hotel before? how was it?", etc. She replies but doesn't carry on with the conversation.

 

So naturally I assumed I'm probably not invited but why would she tell me the location, time and how much she is looking forward to the party.

 

I might take will1998's advice and jokingly invite myself and she how she takes it.

 

If I'm not invited, I'd honestly be disappointed and confused as nothing in our relationship has changed, we still talk all day, see each other all the time and are still very intimate.

 

Thanks again all.

 

Doesn't seem that you are invited. I know 2 months is not a long time dating someone, but if you are talking every day and see each other often why wouldn't you want the person at your bday party?

 

If I were you I wouldn't plan on going.

[Imajerk17]

I love this board. Looks like half of the responses say you definitely should go and the other half say you definitely should not. (I didn't count out the exact number.) Are you any more confused yet OP?

 

I say you should ask her in a way that allows you both to save face no matter what the answer is. "Hey I am invited right? Or is this girls' night out?"

 

I agree that the OP needs to show confidence that she likes him but it is still her party. She needs to do her part and let it be known that he is welcome and wanted. And after 2 months you ought to be able to have a conversation like this without worrying about coming across as insecure. Although given that she talks about the party so much w the OP I think he is.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Imajerk17

[RogerWallace111]

OK. Ignore all the black & white advice. Don't just show up invited, but also don't just ignore it and let it pass by.

 

I think, like some have suggested, that asking in a casual or joking way would probably be the best route. But, no matter how you do it, ask.

 

Regardless of all that though, I'm just wondering why you wouldn't be explicitly exclusive with someone you're talking to every day and presumably having sex with..?

[PlumPrincess]

I'm going to put myself in her shoes for a moment. You've only been dating two months, which isn't that long. You haven't asked her to be exclusive. You won't know the majority of the people there. She may not want to have to spend her birthday evening babysitting you and introducing you to people and worrying about whether you are having fun, when she would rather be catching up with her friends and other friends who are flying in from out of town. Two months is really early. She may simply not be ready to introduce you to that many people in her life yet, and I think that is totally valid.

I think it's that part that I find weird:

 

we still talk all day, see each other all the time and are still very intimate.

If that was a new friend of mine, he/she would get an invitation, because that would look as if we were quite good friends. And if I was that comfortable with someone, I would not be afraid of having to babysit him. I don't think that's the reason why he is not invited.

[StarsOnFire]

Ask her. It's not hard, just slightly awkward.

 

Saves for huge embarrassment on date of bday party.

 

Honesty is key to a good relationship.

[veggirl]

Just show up? What the ****. Who does that? He isn't even her bf.

 

Ps, so that none of you "just show up" I need to let all of LS know none of you are invited to any of my parties! Plz don't just show up.

 

I mean she was never even like mentioning him meeting friends or staying in the hotel or riding together...like it seems obvious he isn't invited...

[MrCastle]

Just show up? What the ****. Who does that?[/Quote]

 

I do that. Or I should say, would. But I'm fearless and would do it with the intention that, if she didn't appreciate me doing it, she'd be dropped the same day.

 

Ps, so that none of you "just show up" I need to let all of LS know none of you are invited to any of my parties! Plz don't just show up.[/Quote]

 

But you're explicitly not inviting us. She hasn't given him an answer one way or the other.

 

I mean she was never even like mentioning him meeting friends or staying in the hotel or riding together...like it seems obvious he isn't invited...

 

If he's not invited, that lacks tact on her part and is in poor taste.

 

She can go on and on about the details of this party to someone she's not inviting? And from that, he's supposed to assume he's not invited?

 

How about -- and I know this is radical -- but she could have told him "it's just a thing for close friends and family," or "I'd love for you to come!" so OP knows one way or another.

 

If for nothing else -- showing up uninvited will maybe force her to think about how she handled it. Maybe, just maybe, she'll say "wait...how did he not know he wasn't invited. What did I do wrong? Is it because I didn't give him an actual answer? Is it that I told him everything about the party even though he wasn't invited?"

 

One semi-awkward convo about whether he is or isn't invited would prevent a much more awkward situation from happening.

[veggirl]

I totally agree that it's rude to go on and on about parties and whatnot to people who aren't invited. Tactless and insensitive.

 

But, it happens. Twice this week, to me, in fact! One was the bosses birthday party that I heard allll about on Monday (wasn't invited) and then a coworker going on about her wedding (that I'm not invited to). I'm not just gonna SHOW UP at her wedding because she talks about it non stop. I mean showing pics of what she is ordering, asking for advice on bridesmaids gifts, etc. Should I show up to these events uninvited? It never crossed my mind. I mean seriously they are not even a couple. Showing up unannounced is incredibly rude, and honestly creepy.

 

Personally I'd just ask if I'm invited but tbh signs don't point to it. If he was invited why not mention of "we", at all, EVER?

[MrCastle]

I totally agree that it's rude to go on and on about parties and whatnot to people who aren't invited. Tactless and insensitive.

 

But, it happens. Twice this week, to me, in fact! One was the bosses birthday party that I heard allll about on Monday (wasn't invited) and then a coworker going on about her wedding (that I'm not invited to). I'm not just gonna SHOW UP at her wedding because she talks about it non stop. I mean showing pics of what she is ordering, asking for advice on bridesmaids gifts, etc. Should I show up to these events uninvited? It never crossed my mind. I mean seriously they are not even a couple. Showing up unannounced is incredibly rude, and honestly creepy.

 

Personally I'd just ask if I'm invited but tbh signs don't point to it. If he was invited why not mention of "we", at all, EVER?

 

Weddings are different. You get an invitation (or you don't) so you know where you stand.

 

And besides that, you're not dating them.

 

Dating for two months, you would assume there is interest and chemistry there or else why continue seeing them?

 

If she doesn't want him there, she should at least say it explicitly or imply it in some respect like -- "I'm gonna be busy with the party thing on _____ but the next day I should be free," etc etc. Something, anything that lets him know one way or another.

[BradJacobs]

Crash it. Drop off the gift, hand her flowers, kiss her and tell her that you can't stay because you have other plans then walk out and proceed to have a frat boy night out with my mates.

 

You now solved both problems. You have something to do and can still make the best entrance and exit of any of her guests.

 

Good luck.

[MrCastle]

Crash it. Drop off the gift, hand her flowers, kiss her and tell her that you can't stay because you have other plans then walk out and proceed to have a frat boy night out with my mates.

 

You now solved both problems. You have something to do and can still make the best entrance and exit of any of her guests.

 

Good luck.

 

This is boss. I'd go with this instead

[clia]

Weddings are different. You get an invitation (or you don't) so you know where you stand.

 

And besides that, you're not dating them.

 

Dating for two months, you would assume there is interest and chemistry there or else why continue seeing them?

 

If she doesn't want him there, she should at least say it explicitly or imply it in some respect like -- "I'm gonna be busy with the party thing on _____ but the next day I should be free," etc etc. Something, anything that lets him know one way or another.

 

I think she's been totally clear. She didn't invite him! How much more clear can she be than not inviting him? He's the one that's made this into some kind of mystery, when really there is no mystery at all. If you aren't invited to something, you aren't invited. That's it.

 

I don't think we know enough about the party to know one way or the other whether she is being tactless or rude by not inviting him. We don't even know who is throwing her this party. Maybe there are the three guys plus twenty girls. Maybe her grandma and grandpa are going to be there. I just don't see it as being strange at all that she may not be ready to introduce a guy who isn't even her boyfriend who she's been dating for all of two months to all of her nearest and dearest friends, some of whom are flying in from out of town. Or that she may want to simply spend the evening with her friends without having to make sure that he's entertained and having a nice time. Again, she's only been seeing this guy for two months and it's not even exclusive. I don't see why he would be expected to be invited to an event like this. Some people might be comfortable doing so; she obviously doesn't.

[MrCastle]

I think she's been totally clear. She didn't invite him! How much more clear can she be than not inviting him? He's the one that's made this into some kind of mystery, when really there is no mystery at all. If you aren't invited to something, you aren't invited. That's it.

 

I don't think we know enough about the party to know one way or the other whether she is being tactless or rude by not inviting him. We don't even know who is throwing her this party. Maybe there are the three guys plus twenty girls. Maybe her grandma and grandpa are going to be there. I just don't see it as being strange at all that she may not be ready to introduce a guy who isn't even her boyfriend who she's been dating for all of two months to all of her nearest and dearest friends, some of whom are flying in from out of town. Or that she may want to simply spend the evening with her friends without having to make sure that he's entertained and having a nice time. Again, she's only been seeing this guy for two months and it's not even exclusive. I don't see why he would be expected to be invited to an event like this. Some people might be comfortable doing so; she obviously doesn't.

 

Then she should shut up about it.

[dasein]

Go... bring a stripper... get drunk, very drunk beforehand... bring her a $10 Target giftcard unwrapped.

 

OK seriously, you need to call her right now and say the following "There's an X I'm interested in the night of your Bday party, and you have mentioned this party several times without actually asking me to be there. If you just wanted to be with other friends that night, that's cool, but if you want me there I need to know now to set my calendar." Say it matter of fact, no emotion, NBD, then shut up and don't say anything else and listen carefully. If she says "do you not want to come?" the reply is laughingly "you need to actually invite me if you want me there."

 

I don't like this scenario at all btw. Have been there many times where a girl I'm sorta involved with or have slept with recently or whatever asks me to do something without actually asking, I say sure, then BBD happens, usually having to do with her female friends, but sometimes dudes, and I end up inconvenienced and in the cold. I have a big hunch there is another dude in the picture that she is not sure will be there, but if he is, she doesn't want you around. If he's not coming, she can act like she invited you all along. Don't play man, just don't play. I have walked for less than this, and in retrospect, it always turned out to be the best decision.

 

And who goes around talking about parties to people without inviting them unless it's a big third party ticket event or something? Who the f does that kind of rude thing? I'll tell you who, rude, princessy high mtce soap opera types.

 

Either this girl is stupid, which = bad bet, or she's mind-f-cking you, worse bet. Either way = bad bet for any kind of peace of mind going forward with this woman. She knows exactly what she is doing here, based on OP and subsequent detail, am pretty sure of it. Up to you whether you like to be manipulated in this way. Good luck regardless of what you decide to do.

[crude]

 

How would just not showing up to her birthday, without any mention of it, show he's really interested?

 

It doesn't seem like he's been invited. No invitation and no indirect mention like "dress casually" or "should we meet there or will you pick me up". And I don't think it's only the man who has to show he's interested, a woman can show the same thing, and could start by inviting the guy to her party.

[dontgo]

DONT GO

 

I don't see any reason for you to go or plan to attend if she hasn't explicitly invited you.

She constantly talks to you about it, but has yet to invite!

It is not your job to invite yourself or ask, that's hers.

If she wants you there, she will let you know, don't play her silly games as I am guilty of this.

 

Now onto my selfish story.

Awhile back I had been exclusively dating a chick for 2 months, but I knew the relationship wasn't going to last because of my traveling job and what not, but I was lonely.

Anyways I found out about her birthday because I had mentioned my sisters wedding and the date in passing and it turned out to be the same day.

I had ZERO intention of inviting her and having to introduce her to my family.

Well she kept going on and on about how weird that they were the same day.

Luckily she never asked if she was invited

Anyways, all she got/heard from me was a happy birthday text.

I was ashamed of what I had done and I ended the relationship shortly thereafter.

 

Moral is she probably isn't that into you sadly and don't be a fool and ask or go.

My suggestion is slowly fade away and make her chase you for validation.

[Simon Phoenix]

DONT GO

 

I don't see any reason for you to go or plan to attend if she hasn't explicitly invited you.

She constantly talks to you about it, but has yet to invite!

It is not your job to invite yourself or ask, that's hers.

If she wants you there, she will let you know, don't play her silly games as I am guilty of this.

 

Now onto my selfish story.

Awhile back I had been exclusively dating a chick for 2 months, but I knew the relationship wasn't going to last because of my traveling job and what not, but I was lonely.

Anyways I found out about her birthday because I had mentioned my sisters wedding and the date in passing and it turned out to be the same day.

I had ZERO intention of inviting her and having to introduce her to my family.

Well she kept going on and on about how weird that they were the same day.

Luckily she never asked if she was invited

Anyways, all she got/heard from me was a happy birthday text.

I was ashamed of what I had done and I ended the relationship shortly thereafter.

 

Moral is she probably isn't that into you sadly and don't be a fool and ask or go.

My suggestion is slowly fade away and make her chase you for validation.

 

You get a like because of your username.

[veggirl]

Clia is right. Explicitly NOT inviting someone means they are not invited. I have had TONS of birthday parties. Even when I was 21 and in college, I didn't just talk about it and assume people knew to come, I told them "come to X on Yday at Ztime!" and when I had a boyfriend (which OP isn't...) he was included in the planning, which included "honey lets do it Xday okay, don't make plans"

 

I would agree that he is unspokenly invited if they'd been ACTUALLY bf/gf for any decent amount of time. But just dating for only 2 mos? No, he is NOT just unspokenly invited imo. they haven't even established exclusivity!

 

I feel like people are coming from the perspective of a longterm, committed relationship or something. Like if my bf was talking about his bday then yes obviously I am included without it being said, but a guy you've known for 8 weeks who isn't even your bf? no....for all OP knows, since they aren't exclusive, there could be 3 other guys she's been dating for 8 weeks as well!

Edited August 16, 2013 by veggirl

[sdraw108]

Then she should shut up about it.

 

Exactly this.

 

Some people seem to have missed that this is a birthday party, not just some random party where her friends are coming round to catch up. I can't even imagine a scenario where I'd be seeing a girl that I like for 2 months and not want them at my birthday, and even if that scenario did happen, I certainly wouldn't be bringing it up all the time with them.

[CrystalCastles]

I'm with clia and veggirl.

 

You're not invited. Please don't go "crash" it. That's not going to make you look confident. That's going to make you look like an utter douche.

 

2 months is a short time. It's not a crime to be excited about having a party. Some of my friends have parties on the weekends on occasion, and I don't just assume I'm invited to them. That would be rude.

 

If you want to, you can joke a bit about it, like what will1988 said. But don't just show up. If you're not exclusive, then it's not that big of a deal.

[ChessPieceFace]

Because it screams of insecurity and lack of trust. A secure person would assume that they are invited without questioning it.

 

An insufferable pest would also assume that.

 

OP, 2 months isn't a long time depending on the speed at which things are progressing. Personally I do not think it's assumed you will be going for sure. I'd simply ask if it's a girl's night out or if she assumed you were going. It's a legitimate question based on all the evidence. If she thinks less of you for asking a legitimate question, that's her problem.

[RogerWallace111]

I was kind of gettin the "don't come, she didn't expressly invite you" thing... but the smart boy castle got me thinkin... dude. I wouldnt bother dating a chick who after two months didnt feel like having me at her birthday celebration, and furthermore, would talk about it constantly in front of me with that being the case. I think a lot of you may be wrong and she really does just assume he's planning on coming. what stupid ass motherf*cker would talk about all of it like that while discluding the person theyre talking to..? a worthless, thoughtless one- that's who. in which case, dump her.

 

I do that. Or I should say, would. But I'm fearless and would do it with the intention that, if she didn't appreciate me doing it, she'd be dropped the same day.

 

 

 

But you're explicitly not inviting us. She hasn't given him an answer one way or the other.

 

 

 

If he's not invited, that lacks tact on her part and is in poor taste.

 

She can go on and on about the details of this party to someone she's not inviting? And from that, he's supposed to assume he's not invited?

 

How about -- and I know this is radical -- but she could have told him "it's just a thing for close friends and family," or "I'd love for you to come!" so OP knows one way or another.

 

If for nothing else -- showing up uninvited will maybe force her to think about how she handled it. Maybe, just maybe, she'll say "wait...how did he not know he wasn't invited. What did I do wrong? Is it because I didn't give him an actual answer? Is it that I told him everything about the party even though he wasn't invited?"

 

One semi-awkward convo about whether he is or isn't invited would prevent a much more awkward situation from happening.

Edited August 16, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

If after 2 months, someone is into you enough to talk to you daily, spend time with you frequently, and be intimate, they would want you to come hang. Unless she has really weird social issues or there's some ex she wants to avoid confrontation with. If it were "we've chatted a couple times a week for the last couple months" that'd be one thing. I wouldn't waste my time with a girl who had to hide me from her friends after two months of getting to know me intimately. When a girl's proud and fully into it she'll introduce you after a week .

Edited August 16, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

Go... bring a stripper... get drunk, very drunk beforehand... bring her a $10 Target giftcard unwrapped.

 

OK seriously, you need to call her right now and say the following "There's an X I'm interested in the night of your Bday party, and you have mentioned this party several times without actually asking me to be there. If you just wanted to be with other friends that night, that's cool, but if you want me there I need to know now to set my calendar." Say it matter of fact, no emotion, NBD, then shut up and don't say anything else and listen carefully. If she says "do you not want to come?" the reply is laughingly "you need to actually invite me if you want me there."

 

I don't like this scenario at all btw. Have been there many times where a girl I'm sorta involved with or have slept with recently or whatever asks me to do something without actually asking, I say sure, then BBD happens, usually having to do with her female friends, but sometimes dudes, and I end up inconvenienced and in the cold. I have a big hunch there is another dude in the picture that she is not sure will be there, but if he is, she doesn't want you around. If he's not coming, she can act like she invited you all along. Don't play man, just don't play. I have walked for less than this, and in retrospect, it always turned out to be the best decision.

 

And who goes around talking about parties to people without inviting them unless it's a big third party ticket event or something? Who the f does that kind of rude thing? I'll tell you who, rude, princessy high mtce soap opera types.

 

Either this girl is stupid, which = bad bet, or she's mind-f-cking you, worse bet. Either way = bad bet for any kind of peace of mind going forward with this woman. She knows exactly what she is doing here, based on OP and subsequent detail, am pretty sure of it. Up to you whether you like to be manipulated in this way. Good luck regardless of what you decide to do.

 

Oh and Dasein is on point too. I don't know what to think !

[PlumPrincess]

Weddings are different. You get an invitation (or you don't) so you know where you stand.

 

And besides that, you're not dating them.

 

Dating for two months, you would assume there is interest and chemistry there or else why continue seeing them?

 

If she doesn't want him there, she should at least say it explicitly or imply it in some respect like -- "I'm gonna be busy with the party thing on _____ but the next day I should be free," etc etc. Something, anything that lets him know one way or another.

The only explanation as I see it is that they are not that close as he assumes. She might see him as her best buddy or something, but not as a real boyfriend. Or she likes him, but there is something about him that makes her feel too embarrassed to present him to her friends.

 

I didn't count, but it seems that the encouragement to show up uninvited at the party stems mainly from guys thinking their the hottest sh*t and can pull this through while the women here advise against this idea?