LastLight Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Hi, I'd like to ask for advice to this issue I'm having. I've been seeing this girl for 2 months now, everything is going well. Her birthday is next week and it's drinks at a hotel with her friends and she seems excited about it. She has mentioned the party throughout the week, the place and even the time but hasn't directly invited me yet. I have made general comments about it sounding like fun, etc, but no comment from her. I have already bought her a present but have no idea whether I should just turn up or not, I could ask her directly but that feels like I'm just inviting myself and might put pressure on her. Thanks for any advice.
aussietigerwolf Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I would just assume it's given you're invited if I was her but... ask if you're not sure.
SantistaUSA Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Are you guys in a serious relationship? Exclusive? Have you met her friends? If she is having several friends (male and female) and you even know a few of them, I'm sure she would want you there. But if you haven't met them then she might not planing on having you there. How old are you guys?
Lani Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 If she's mentioned it so openly to you many times, I'd be very surprised if she doesn't expect you to be there. If you are really unsure, then ask her. It might feel awkward, but I'm fairly certain you'll get the 'WHAT! Of course you're coming!' and she'll think you're sweet for wondering. 3
MrCastle Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Just show up man. What is she gonna do, make things awkward by saying "oh, uh, actually, you're not supposed to be here...sorry." If you don't just want to show up unannounced (I would), ask her in a way that's confident. Don't say "hey am I invited to your party?," say "hey so what time should I meet you at your party?" 6
Lani Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 How about not going at all unless she directly invites you. This is the worst option. 7
Lani Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Why? ............. Because he wants to go. And if he likes her, making that known at this early stage will give him big brownie points. How would just not showing up to her birthday, without any mention of it, show he's really interested? 2
Lani Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 To me it seems she is playing mind games. She keeps mentioning the party but doesn't say if she wants him to come or not. That seems like she either doesn't want him there and only keeps bringing it up to make him jealous. Or wants him to initiate the conversation of whetever he is invited or not. And thats not right either. Nope. I think she's just assuming he'll come and hasn't even thought she needed to ask. 1
Kizza Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 This is right on point. One should never ASSume anything if they haven't been given clear details. I'd NEVER show up out of the blue if I hadn't been directly invited. OP, ask her if it's a "girl's night out" and suggest that you stop by later in the evening so she can have the best of both worlds. I 100% agree with this. She has not directly invited you or told you to keep yourself free for that day/time. To me this means you are not invited for whatever reason. I was seeing someone who had a birthday recently. He did not invite me but called me about 10:30pm and said come and join us. I had other plans anyway and was close by but I would never have just assumed and shown up.
sdraw108 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 To me it seems she is playing mind games. She keeps mentioning the party but doesn't say if she wants him to come or not. You can't possibly form that conclusion based on the limited information we have. It sounds much more likely to me, that she considers it so obvious that she wants him there, that it didn't occur to her to explicitly invite him.
Emilia Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Why? ............. Because it screams of insecurity and lack of trust. A secure person would assume that they are invited without questioning it. 3
Fraser Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Id assume its a given tbh. Its simple thou - when she's talking about the party does she say we or I? We're meeting at 8 or I'm meeting them at 8? at that's your answer! 1
phineas Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) This is right on point. One should never ASSume anything if they haven't been given clear details. I'd NEVER show up out of the blue if I hadn't been directly invited. OP, ask her if it's a "girl's night out" and suggest that you stop by later in the evening so she can have the best of both worlds. Difference between men and women. women would mention the party 50 times to everyone they wanted there assuming they knew to show up and would only extend a formal invite to those they don't see regularly. If a woman don't want you there, everyone knows & you are kept out of the loop. Men wouldn't even mention it unless it was to invite you and then they would only tell you once or they'd tell one of their women friends to put out the word because see above. Least, that's how it works in my social circle OP, just go. If you show up & she doesn't want you there then congrats you only wasted a few months of your life on her. Edited August 15, 2013 by phineas 3
sydneysider1978 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Last light, i think she wants you to be there. It would be rude to mention it so often if your weren't invited. I'd double check but give her an easy out "hey, just double-checking, your birthday isn't girls only? I'd love to come" keep it light, it's probably not a big deal 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Personally without an invite I would not just show up somewhere unannounced unless it was some ballsy move I knew I could get away with, however this is not usually a grey area I've had to contend with in my life, whenever I was invited somewhere It was pretty obvious/straight-forward...sure they might hint around to it at first, and this might be where you are since it's someone new you were dating but It wouldn't take them long to ask you directly to come over IMO...otherwise they could just be excited about it and still debating whether to ask you or waiting for you to throw out a line you'd want to go if she's feeling a bit apprehensive about asking you in case you'd feel uncomfortable. At any rate, it really depends on the dynamic of this relationship...the fact that you're even asking makes me question how into you this girl is, otherwise some people don't just throw people they've been dating into birthday events...others like to bring someone new to every party or event they have. So there are some factors there to determine, you should have a better idea of where you stand with this girl...so I'm a little bit worried in that sense, but maybe you're just a bit shy or reserved/insecure about it. You could always make a comment about the party/get-together at the hotel...in that situation it sounds like it's perfectly feasible she would/could invite you kind of just because the timing of it all and the fact that everyone is just going to be drinking and socializing with friends...it also depends if you've met these friends before or If it's an all girls night out kind of thing. Otherwise for myself, hell no I would not just show up.
Imported Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 OP, I'd just assume I was invited if I were you. Unless she dates other guys besides you? Next time she brings it up or just bring it up yourself and say something like your work, some friends or whatever were trying to have you do something on the same day, but you told them you had more important things to do, like being there for her at her birthday party.
PlumPrincess Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I suspect that he isn't invited. If he was, he wouldn't be here wondering about it. She would have also asked him to make sure that he had the time to be there.
ChatroomHero Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 If it's only been 2 months I would not show up uninvited, I would confirm first. You do not know someone well enough in two months to show up at a birthday party you were NOT actually invited to. I would think after 2 months you have not met a lot of her family or friends and she might not want you there just yet. I have been in a similar situation where a girl talked about going somewhere (a few hours away) for a while, and I just assumed she wanted me to come along because it was such a big deal and she kept mentioning it and all the people that would be there. I planned around it for work and figured when it got close we would discuss the travel plans etc., but we never really got into specifics and I did start to wonder a bit. My final clue was when she decided to go a day and a 1/2 early and not tell me until she texted me the next day about how much fun she was having. If you want to be sneaky, you could always casually mention you might have to work or got offered tickets to a game that night and see if she replies something about you not coming to her party. Either way I would not show up uninvited and from what you say, you were not invited.
will1988 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 She wants you to go! She expects that you will be there... since you are her BF! Why else would she tell you constantly and remind you? jeeesh... some people can be so blind! If you seriously need her to give you the thumbs up, go a head and jokingly say something like "I keep checking the mail and have yet to recieve my invite to your party... oh well, I guess I'll have to crash it!" or something like that. 2
PlumPrincess Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 If you were not invited, I would reconsider your relationship. Whether this is something serious/exclusive or not, I assume you are not only mere acquaintances after two months and it's really a weird thing to tell someone about a party and not invite them. 1
Fondue Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I never assume, therefor I'd never show up without an invitation. If you really want to know whether or not you're invited, next time she mentions the party, say something like: "dude! sounds like you guys are gonna have a blast, I hope you enjoy yourself ." At which point she'll say, "yah! Def!" Or: "It sounds like you might not be there, what's up?" You'd be able to get your invite right there. Goodluck.
PlumPrincess Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 She wants you to go! She expects that you will be there... since you are her BF! Why else would she tell you constantly and remind you? jeeesh... some people can be so blind! If you seriously need her to give you the thumbs up, go a head and jokingly say something like "I keep checking the mail and have yet to recieve my invite to your party... oh well, I guess I'll have to crash it!" or something like that. I had a friend tell me about her wedding for two hours on the phone and at the end she said, "you are of course invited, but I know that it's too far for you to go." She basically told me that I was invited, but she didn't want me to come. That was the wedding at the registry office. At least I got invited to the wedding at church and the wedding party half a year later. Whenever people do not clearly express that you are welcomed there, you can actually assume that you are not invited, unless she is feeling insecure and doesn't know if you will accept the invitation or you are very close friends.
Author LastLight Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Thanks to everyone for your replies Here is a little more information: - In our mid 20s - We are almost exclusive, I really don't think she is seeing anyone else. - I have met a few of her friends, although this party seems to be closer friends as some are flying over for it. - There are 3 males going, all of which are in a relationship I've slipped hints and seem interested. I did say things like "oh that's sounds like so much fun!", "are you doing anything before the party?", "how are you getting there?", "have you been to the hotel before? how was it?", etc. She replies but doesn't carry on with the conversation. So naturally I assumed I'm probably not invited but why would she tell me the location, time and how much she is looking forward to the party. I might take will1998's advice and jokingly invite myself and she how she takes it. If I'm not invited, I'd honestly be disappointed and confused as nothing in our relationship has changed, we still talk all day, see each other all the time and are still very intimate. Thanks again all. 2
will1988 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 ^ Be who you are and say what you mean. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. :lmao:
clia Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Thanks to everyone for your replies Here is a little more information: - In our mid 20s - We are almost exclusive, I really don't think she is seeing anyone else. - I have met a few of her friends, although this party seems to be closer friends as some are flying over for it. - There are 3 males going, all of which are in a relationship I've slipped hints and seem interested. I did say things like "oh that's sounds like so much fun!", "are you doing anything before the party?", "how are you getting there?", "have you been to the hotel before? how was it?", etc. She replies but doesn't carry on with the conversation. So naturally I assumed I'm probably not invited but why would she tell me the location, time and how much she is looking forward to the party. I might take will1998's advice and jokingly invite myself and she how she takes it. If I'm not invited, I'd honestly be disappointed and confused as nothing in our relationship has changed, we still talk all day, see each other all the time and are still very intimate. Thanks again all. You aren't invited. Seriously. Don't show up there. I can't believe so many people are advising you to show up uninvited. Doing that doesn't make you look confident -- it makes you look like an oblivious moron. Showing up will make things very uncomfortable for her. (I can picture her thinking "I didn't invite him -- why is he here?") She's mentioning the party because she's telling you her plans. I mention things I'm doing with my friends all the time to my boyfriend -- doesn't mean he's invited. If you are really unclear about it, the best solution is to ask her point blank whether she wants you to drop by. I'm going to put myself in her shoes for a moment. You've only been dating two months, which isn't that long. You haven't asked her to be exclusive. You won't know the majority of the people there. She may not want to have to spend her birthday evening babysitting you and introducing you to people and worrying about whether you are having fun, when she would rather be catching up with her friends and other friends who are flying in from out of town. Two months is really early. She may simply not be ready to introduce you to that many people in her life yet, and I think that is totally valid. 9
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