Feeling dead inside, dad cheating and I'm the only one who know

[emptymind]

Hey, my name is Albert and I am 20 years old.

 

 

I saw my dad the other day, he was on a dating site with a webcam on.

He saw me, so I'm probably asking myself the same questions as him: what should I do? does he know? should I talk to him?

 

I don't mind cheating. I don't believe in love myself and I don't feel attracted to men or women. To me it's nothing but a prison created by peer pressure and societal norms, something that chains you and prevent you from being free. Nothing but a chemical lust that breaks your heart eventually.

 

I remember when I was young, I was skinny, ugly duckling with cystic acne all over my face, I was even bullied for being a nerd. I had no hobby, no job, so I started watching pornography, probably to escape reality, let my thought wander for a couple of minutes. But when I entered university, I met a couple of friends who helped me, gave me some hobby and a social life. So I grew out of it after a while. Porn was always the same thing: you feel guilty after a while, even with someone you love. Even sex, to me, became disgusting.

 

Back to my dad, I want this to stay a secret, it's a bit of my fault: I was careless like the others. I have to admit that my family sucks and my dad might be depressed about it. I'm his only son and I never spoke to him in my life. He was always the outcast of the family, except for his wife, none of us ever spoke to him because he was very intelligent and powerful. But I still love him, he's my inspiration and a very nice person when you speak to him. I don't want my family to fall apart, I don't want my dad to feel the same guilt I've felt. So I do not blame him.

 

I think my dad might feel the same way as I did a while ago:

he need a hobby and someone to keep him away from these habits. It's my job to fix the problem, so we could hit the road tomorrow and go hiking, he desperately need help to lose weight anyway. He's probably dating a money-grabber on the internet because he's not the most attractive 50 years old around.

Because he doesn't lack wealth, he's engaged with my mother who's asexual, he doesn't lack anything but friendship to me, but he doesn't have it so he have sex with strangers on the internet instead.

 

Friendship was always the purest love to me, being what kept me away from all lust and harm. It truly is the work of charity alone that keep you away from sin and harm. So maybe my dad and me both needed a bit of that mutual charity. I mean I never spoke to him and he keep talking to me, I was very distant.

 

I feel like I am to blame. I should've seen that coming, it had already happened a while ago when I was young and my mother found out, she almost broke up with him. He stopped for a year and they became closer to each other, now they're very far again.

 

How should I speak to him and make him stop or come with me hiking or do something to forget? I feel so dead inside, I don't know if I could ever speak to him about it, I just came back from a depression 1 week ago, suicidal thought and self-esteem issues. My dad was also my greatest inspiration, everything seems lost to me. I'm so scared.

Forgive my English, I am from Germany.

[SoleMate]

I would really suggest individual counseling for your own issues. Your concern for your parents is commendable but you really can and should be focussing your attention on your own health at this point, for your issues with adjustment and depression. So please see a counselor!