Ex GF breaks my NC and wants to meet up. I am torn on how to proceed

[Wiriamu]

Hi all, I recently came across this site as I have been torn on how to proceed.

 

My ex and I are 8 years of age apart, I am 27, she is currently 19 and met when she was 18. We initially started talking and met up for coffee (in person for the first time) one day after talking for a few weeks. After we met for coffee we really hit it off and I officially asked her out on a formal date a few weeks later. We made things official a few days after that things became great!

 

I opened my heart completely to her and the walls that I had built to keep myself protected came down completely; she touched my heart and soul unlike any one I have ever met or dated before. We hit such a high so quickly together, the spark was there, the intimacy was there, the romance was there, it was like a fairytale romance. I told her I loved her one day, but she said she could not say that to me, but may be able to one day in the future; she said it was because she did not know what true love meant. I understood and said it was fine as it took myself years to figure that out; I definitely did not know at her age of 19. After about 4 months of this absolute high she went home to her country for 2 months to visit her parents (this was planned long before we met). We stayed in constant contact, countless texts, hours on the phone/skype each night; it was like she never left!

 

About 2 weeks before she was to return, I felt something became really off and she felt distant. The way she texted me and her mannerisms were unlike the person I had known. I hid it and pretended things were the usual. About a week after she returned, we met up and I had a gut feeling that something was amiss; I was dead on as she said she wanted to break up. I was so distraught that night, numb with pain, emotionless, I just did not know what to do and did not feel anything; it hit me very hard a day later.

 

Her reason for breaking up was so cliche, it was her and not me. She even told me to keep being who I am and not to change a thing and said I am a great boyfriend and would make another girl very happy, that someone better than her would come along; that ran through my head for quite some time! If there was nothing wrong with me, why are you wanting to break up? Her reasons were she didn't want to waste my time, that she felt that I was falling faster for her than she was for me so the relationship felt uneven. She felt that she needed to fall for me as deeply and quickly as I was falling for her. She also felt it was too perfect, we never fought, there were no arguments and I think that was due to our completely open communication; we would discuss things that bothered us and shared our innermost thoughts as best we could. She also felt that I was just filling a void in her life, the loneliness, emptiness, and longing for someone to always be there. She felt I was only filling that void and it was wrong to stay with me, for me she also filled the emptiness I had felt. She even said she felt so selfish and terrible for hurting me as this was all about her and did not consider me when she was figuring out what to do. She said she may regret this decision in the future, but does not know if she will or what she will do if she does regret it. During that night she mentioned she wanted to be friends/stay friends. She said she would leave friendship up to me, I told her I would contact her if I wanted to be friends, but if I did not, then that is goodbye.

 

I reached out to a close friend and let it all out a day later when we met, it felt so great to let it out like I have never done so in the past; I could not think straight at that point. She gave me a woman's point of view on the situation and my friend said she completely understood what my ex was feeling. She said that my ex was scared and not sure if her feelings would deepen like mine were so she didn't want to waste my time trying to figure it out or see if it changes. When I look back now I think she did not know what she wanted, was not prepared to open her heart completely like I did, and was not prepared for a more mature relationship like I was. For me love is not just a feeling, I have always felt that the feeling needed to be there, but it was also a choice to love someone and part of that choice was a commitment to that person and the relationship. With many of my friends that are engaged/married, I compare our relationship to theirs and realize that we did not build a foundation of friendship or anything else. So when things hit such a high so quickly and we fell, there was nothing to catch us and save the relationship.

 

About a week after the breakup, I started reconnecting with people I had put aside while dating her (my female friends), catching up and having a great time with my other friends. I felt so alive again and more confident than ever as I took a step back to look at things, reevaluated what I sought in a person, and tried to understand what love truly meant to me. Don't get me wrong, I had quite a few bad days, days where I was so heart broken that I wanted to reach out and tell my ex how hurt I was and how so many little things reminded me of her; I resisted and have not said a thing to her since. I don't think things have ever been this painful compared to other people I have dated as I don't think I have opened my heart like this to anyone so deeply and sincerely; even with someone I spent more than a year with before.

 

There has been no contact since that night, she also has no idea how or what I am doing as I don't update facebook and have no mutual friends. A month has passed since that day and for some reason, out of the blue, she texts me to see if I was busy and wanted to go for coffee or something else; ironically(?) this was exactly 30 days since the breakup. I said I was busy and she has asked me again for another day, which is why I am here. It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart again, a part of me wants to meet her, a part of me doesn't. I felt I have started to move on, but since that text it feels like I have taken a step back and I wonder what she wants, if she regrets breaking up, if she wants to reconcile and try things again, or she just wants to see how I am. While we dated she has never directly asked me out like that. We often made plans for the future when we were spending time together, so this is also quite unlike her.

 

I still do not know if I could see her as a just a friend. I put that thought aside since she suggested it but have thought about it hard again these past few days. I think I would find it hard not to want to touch her, hold her, kiss her, and just be close to her if she sat in front of me. To look at her just as a friend and not think of her romantically after all the intimacy and romance that we once shared, I think would tear me apart, so that is why I am so torn on how to proceed. I am not even sure if I want to give things a second try if that is what she wants to do (if that is why she wants to meet up?). If I do meet her I am not sure if I should tell her that I have thought about giving things a second try but am still unsure and whether I should ask if she would be open to that.

 

Has anyone been through something similar? Other than finding out how I am doing, would a dumper regret things enough to want to reconcile and try things again? Has anyone been the dumper and broke no contact? if so why? Should I take things slowly and figure out what I want to do? Should I bring up trying things again but to take things slowly this time around? or see if she brings it up? or when should I bring it up? A part me of wants to meet her and ask her what she wants and why she contacted me first, but a part of me doesn't want to know as I think if I heard "friend" in her reasoning some painful wounds would reopen. Would love a woman's point of view if possible.

 

This relationship was short compared to many other posts I have seen, but affected me in a way I have never experienced before.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Wiriamu

[Simon Phoenix]

First of all, only you can break your NC. No Contact is not a two-person thing -- it's for you and you only. So you broke your own NC by responding to her. Honestly, I don't think you are ready to see her. I'd just ignore it and just continue to move forward.

[Wiriamu]

Simon, thanks for pointing that out, I had not even realized I had broken my own NC.

 

If someone contacts me, even if only an acquaintance, I am the type of person that will respond, even if it is to imply or directly tell them that I don't want to them to contact me. I am not the type to blatantly ignore someone and my ex knows this of me. I didn't want her to think I want her completely out of my life by not responding which is something I don't even have an answer to yet.

 

I put aside the decision of whether I want her in my life at all or if I could even stand thinking of her only as a friend because the more I thought about it the more I felt myself get hung up and not being able to heal. I was going to deal with it when I felt the time came but now I feel like I have to face this decision sooner than I thought I would.

 

As I said in my original post, part of me wants to meet her. This is mainly due to my curiosity as to what she wants since it is unlike her to ask me out like that and don't think that 30 days was a coincidence. My gut tells me she just wants to see how I am doing, but there is a hope that she seeks reconciliation, something I am not even sure if I am open to at this point. The part of me that doesn't want to meet her is because I am afraid to hear something that will reopen some painful wounds; the uncertainty of what she could be thinking is killing me.

 

It is why I wanted to see if anyone has been the dumper and reached out first and why. I have never been in a scenario where they reached out to me first. My friend even commented that she must be shameless to break a person's heart like that and yet still could face them.

 

Just to add, our breakup wasn't mutual. It was a choice made by her, but was "clean". I am mature enough that I did not beg, I did not get angry or throw a fit, and definitely did not contact her; I just went my own way as did she. However based on my definition of loving someone, I was committed, willing to work things out, and give things time, she was the one that threw in the towel (GIGS?)

Edited August 15, 2013 by Wiriamu

[BC1980]

There is no way to know what she wants. I think it's probably just to catch up because she misses the companionship. People don't usually change their minds in one month. Could be she is testing the waters.

 

The real question is do you want to be a part if all this. It would be extremely painful too see her but not have things the way they were. I have done this, and it really causes stress to stay in contact. It's up to you, but go in knowing that it's unlikely you will be a couple agin that day.

[headinthecloud]

How can you ever trust her again? It sounds to me like she's unsure of what she wants and for that reason alone you would only be setting yourself up for disappointment if you took her back.

[Wiriamu]

So we did end up meeting for coffee, its was painful as some of you said, the thought of reaching out for her hand like we used to. I held it in but felt very emotional during the 3 hrs we talked. We caught up, talked about what was going on with our lives, many small laughs from our old inside jokes; quite nostalgic especially since we met at a coffee shop we went to before. Just had a somewhat typical get together like we used to do minus the intimacy and things we would normally do while we were together (like sharing food/being close). I don't know about her, but I held myself back from sharing all the details of what I have been doing or went through after the breakup; like how I would share with a friend or acquaintance. She even mentioned another guy she hung out with after the breakup a few times but turned him down a few times once he continued to invite her out to places.

 

I asked her to get together again and she agreed. I did so because I want to have a deep talk with her, share some of the things I have learned (things I learned about love, something she said she didn't really understand), while keeping the most important lessons learned to myself. Share with her everything she put me through and what I went through and bring up the possibility of reconciliation/trying again to see where she stands with that idea; something I am not completely closed to but something I am not completely open to from the loss of that deep trust I held with her. I know for sure she would not ever admit she made a mistake and regret her choice to end things, she would probably die before admitting that. I would not even be able to do that if I were in her shoes, this is mainly due to our reserved/conservative cultural upbringing. I have thought hard about the idea of friendship, but am still at odds if I can look at her any other way than romantically due to our intimate past. This is something I am weighing heavily on bringing up during that talk.

 

Deep down there is a glimmer of hope that remains in me and it didn't resurface until she contacted me out of the blue because I do sincerely and truly love her; I wouldn't be human if I could just switch off my feelings for someone just like that. Again, there wasn't anything really wrong with our relationship, the main thing I found looking back is we didn't let things grow slowly and everything happened way too quickly; I think what I felt for her developed so quickly that when she found she wasn't on the same page as I, the imbalance scared her. On a side note, I am already trying to move on and am causally meeting other women to see where things go with them.

 

Any thoughts on this? Should I sit her down and let everything out with no restraint? and get everything out in the open? air the pain I went through, the emotions i went through, the heartache I felt?

Edited August 17, 2013 by Wiriamu

[ShockS]

Im not sure you should contact her again. i know you asked to meet but unfortunately it seems that she's not in the same place emotionally.

 

Have you ever heard of "Grass is Greener Syndrome"

 

It might apply here

 

I think unconsciously she misses your connection but for you experience what you are truly looking for here she needs to really know it on every level. I dont think you can make her realise. She has to find this out for herself. Maybe you should leave it until she contacts you. She has to make the choice herself. This is prob not your style but she needs to feel that the man she is with is strong, capable & in demand. Only then will she appreciate the love that you obviously have in your heart.

 

Isn't real love worth the wait?

 

I don't think you should tell her all this stuff unless she asks you for it. I feel I'm in the same situation as you. It's gonna take a lot more than a month for her to realise anything. Im really sorry if this hurts you. You have to realise yourself that even if you got back together now you wouldn't be getting all the love you Truly deserve. You're worth much more. Believe it. Be strong but not arrogant.

 

It's gonna be a long road. Fill your time with things that make you an even better version of yourself. And not just things you think she might like. How would you advise someone in your position?

 

Although you say she would never admit to making a mistake, this might be what it takes. If she doesn't & you got back together don't you think you might grow to resent her eventually. It's really difficult. Trust is the key here. I think it has to be earned after something like this.

 

But then again what do I know. I'm in your shoes & feel just as lost.

 

I just feel that you deserve to be truly appreciated. Don't you?

 

I honestly hope this helps somehow?

 

Only you will know for sure.

 

Believe in yourself. Believe in Love.

 

 

 

"Just because you can't see the light doesn't mean it isn't shining"

Edited August 19, 2013 by ShockS

[BC1980]

Any thoughts on this? Should I sit her down and let everything out with no restraint? and get everything out in the open? air the pain I went through, the emotions i went through, the heartache I felt?

 

No.

 

As another poster said, she is not in the same place emotionally as you. You may talk to her, but she is not ready to listen.

 

Let me also ask what you hope to accomplish by sharing your feelings with her? To win her back, to make her feel bad, to make yourself feel better, just to say it for the sake of saying it? Think about it rationally, and I don't think you are going to get much positive out of doing so. Right now, your primary goal is to protect yourself, so I would express as little emotion as possible if you see her again. Guard yourself.

[LinkWorshiper]

I think if you DO decide to talk to her, just tell her about how you feel about her at that present moment or what you would hope for for the future. If you really want to reconcile with her, I think you'd be shooting yourself in the foot to try and tell her everything she messed up on, especially if she is trying to fix those things in herself. You could tell her a hundred times what you think she's done wrong or what you think she ought to do to help herself or you or the relationship, but none of it will make a bit of difference unless she figures it out herself. So if you want it to work out, I think the the best you can do is give as honest a representation of yourself as you can, but don't project anything on to her, even if all you want to do is tell her that it's all her fault. Because it takes two to tango, and even if you think most of the blame is on her, you'll ruin any chances of fixing things if you say things that are negative. If you SUPER DUPER feel you need to tell her that you think she needs to improve certain things, make sure you've thought about a way to phrase it that is constructive.

[ShockS]

Hope everything is ok with you man? Haven't heard from you in a while