Mycteria Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Their school plans are also blowing my mind a bit. She has a bachelors, but is wanting to get another bachelors (which is pretty much pointless) and THEN get a masters and a doctorate? If she has a bachelors she should just go straight for her doctorate. There's almost no point in getting a masters, much less another bachelors! And at 28 years old? She'll be in school till she's 40! And he's planning a similarly wasteful path. I understand some people go this route of being perpetual students but it really sounds to me like this couple is just all over the place and has no idea what they really want. They need the guidance of a good counselor who can help them with their academic goals. And then add in the fact that they are almost 30 with no savings, property, etc. I'm starting to agree with the guy for wanting to postpone marriage indefinitely. They are nowhere near ready! OP I don't mean to offend you but you should be worried about a lot more than marriage at this point. 3
Els Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 If she has a bachelors she should just go straight for her doctorate. Depending on where the OP lives, this isn't necessarily a possibility. Many countries have a system in which a Masters is compulsory between a bachelors and a doctorate (but doctorates in those systems take 3 years, compared to 5 in the US). That being said, I got a little lost in their story after browsing through it (there seem to be a few contradictions and oddities), so can't offer any opinion as to the rest of the situation. 1
Mycteria Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Depending on where the OP lives, this isn't necessarily a possibility. Many countries have a system in which a Masters is compulsory between a bachelors and a doctorate (but doctorates in those systems take 3 years, compared to 5 in the US). That being said, I got a little lost in their story after browsing through it (there seem to be a few contradictions and oddities), so can't offer any opinion as to the rest of the situation. She's already said she's in the US, so that's what I was going off of. Like I said, I realize sometimes even in the US, this much schooling is necessary. But in most cases it's a waste of time and money. I think that neither of them really know what they are doing. They have these vague plans that sound great on paper but in reality they are lost.
Mycteria Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 But he sure did it fast enough when there was money involved. Then, it wasn't such a huge, major step..now was it? This guy sounds like a total douche. Yeah and I doubt he spent 20k on that wedding either, so he knows darn good and well that you don't have to break the bank on a wedding. More excuses :/ 2
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 You are grasping at straws, so desperate. 1
clia Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Wow... I don't know where you are in the Midwest, but here in Chicago it costs $60 for a marriage license. Add in $10 for train or cab fare, and you can do the whole shebang for under $100 and even have a glass of wine to celebrate. So, his (your) argument that you need $20,000 to get married is really ludicrous. I understand if you want a big wedding, but you don't have to have that to get married. If you are going to wait until you are financially ready to be flying people from NY to Hawaii, and for both of you to finish getting multiple college degrees and actually start working for real...well, you are going to be waiting a really long time, because that's not going to be cheap. Saying it's a dealbreaker doesn't make it so unless it really is. Your caving in on this and letting him convince you that you need tens of thousands of dollars to get married is really weak. He knows that you aren't going anywhere. I don't believe he wants to get married at all. If you truly believe that he wants to get married and it is solely a financial issue, ask him to just do it at the courthouse next weekend and see what he says. Then you will have your answer. 4
Criticality Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 When a guy is truly in love they'll get married That is such crap that you could chop it, bag it and sell like super manure! Kinda along "if only I had met you before, I would never have married her/him" or "A child will make this marriage stronger/better" in terms of useless cliche. For some people an official marriage document means a lot, for others it's just a piece of paper. And for other people again, such as OPs guy, there's a lot of negativity and dysfunction attached to the idea of getting married, so it's no wonder that they prefer to have children and be in a lifelong committed relationship, without bringing all the toxicity of marriage (as they know it into it) Considering that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce anyways, it doesnt have to have anything whatsoever to do with whether "he truly loves her". Marriage is in decline worldwide anyway, does that mean that less people truly love each other these days? Of course not. What should I do? I would be okay with staying with him I guess, but I don't want to just "settle" and we have been through HELL on earth and then some together.. Am I being too harsh on him to not be grateful for what we already have? We have a wonderful relationship and just "get" each other, other than this.. I do, however, know that this type of topic is a deal breaker for many.. I just don't know if I should just live with this decision OR if I should.. (gulp) move on.. ...What would you do?.. This kinda depends on what the law is regarding common law marriages where you are, but if it doesnt make a big difference in terms of your rights, then moving on or pushing him into marriage would be a mistake, I think. The fact that he wants to start a family with you, and wants kids in a year speaks volumes louder than whether he wants to get married. I have two kids with a great woman, that I usually refer to as my wife, but we never got married. I really don't care that much about a piece of paper, and neither does she. The reason I call her my wife is because 1: I like the sound of it, and no explanation is needed, and 2: We have two kids and been together for 13 years. You can't really get anymore married than that. You should try to respect where your boyfriend is coming from: He comes from a background of toxic, dysfunctional marriages and doesn't want poison the loving relationship he has with you with it. He isn't scared of commitment (he wants kids), but what he is scared of is ruining the most important thing in his life: Your guys relationship by bringing something he associates negatively: Marriage into it. Be smart, look into the legalities of common law marriage where you live. See if there are any practical differences vs. an, ehm, paper marriage If you pressure him, he might bend and do it, but in the back of his mind he might hold it against you. Especially if there are big financial or other kinds of stresses associated. And marriage might become a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Why work on it, it's bound to end in failure anyways. Tell him what it means to you, but don't pressure him, and make it clear that while you'd like to get married, the most important thing for you is that you stay together. And live your life as if you were married. And maybe one day, maybe even after kids will have arrived, he will take the step to get married. But then it wont be because you pressured him or gave him an ultimatum. And if he won't? Well, then maybe you'll just have to live the rest of your lives as a common law couple. It's not like it'll make a difference to your kids, they'll always have known you as 'mom' and 'dad'. And by then, you probably won't care that much either.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Good grief woman! Have you no pride? No love for yourself? You, I am so sorry to say, are making a fool of yourself. You are trying your damnedest to make this guy marry you. People here have given good suggestions and advice. Your choice to take it or not. Once you hook him, I guess we will see in you in a couple of years, whining about him resenting you, or about how things are not hunky dory. 1
crederer Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I have to agree with Keenly, also some men just don't believe in marriage. I am one of them. That doesn't make me any less committed to the girl I am with. I don't think an expensive party and signing a piece of paper together makes things any different for the relationship. I wouldn't not suggest pressuring him any further as it's not going to end up well for you in the short or long term.
unicorn farts Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 My husband and I didn't have the money for a big wedding so we just went down to the courthouse and got married anyways. Blows my mind that people think these huge extravagant parties are necessary for anything. Course, we're planning on having a big shebang on our 10th. Nothing too special about getting married really, staying married is a bigger accomplishment.
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