Deleting OM

[compulsivedancer]

I had some writing that I had done with OM during the A, a website we were working on prior to the A and some files on my laptop from when he was trying to repair my computer.

 

H asked that I go through everything and delete the stuff OM was involved in. I just did. I didn't even read all of the writing, and not all of it had anything specific to do with OM, but was related to that time span. I told H that I want to get rid of my laptop. Even with files deleted, OM's fingerprints are everywhere, since he worked on the computer.

 

Why do I feel so sad? I am relieved to get rid of the stuff and yet I still feel like I need a good cry and a glass of wine.

 

Btw, the reason it took me so long to do this is that I rarely use this laptop, since I recently got a new laptop from work.

[Betterthanthis13]

Why do you feel relieved to get rid of it? Be specific.

 

Sometimes you just need to cry and have a glass of wine anyway.

[carhill]

Why do I feel so sad? I am relieved to get rid of the stuff and yet I still feel like I need a good cry and a glass of wine.

 

Like with any other love interest, it's likely you did or will grieve who you were when you loved the person. Even in the case of an affair, it's still the death of a love and connection, presuming it was a love affair.

 

Hence, symbols of that love, and they don't have to be substantial, can evoke emotions of grief and sadness. The good news is, in time, you'll work through it. fMM here. Life brings new moments. For you, it sounds like they'll be with your H. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

It's a tough time in your life, CD. Not much is going to feel good. If I had to guess, this is just yet one more thing that's been impacted by your affair; it's one more thing to regret. And the energy that you put into that relationship was a failed investment in a lot of ways; it's going to feel like failure. And yes, there's probably some grief over the loss of the relationship.

 

I'm encouraged that you keep taking these steps though. I'm sure it was tempting to reminisce and you still followed thru with the deletions.

 

I'm still a firm believer that an affair doesn't need to define you. It's a hell of a blow to the ego to face your mistakes so directly and it's got to be tempting to want to indulge in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Every day you will face a choice to go further into the rabbit hole or dig your way out. But you continue to make the right choices. The good news is that, given time and persistence like this, your self-esteem will be restored by so many consecutive good decisions. Keep making decisions of which you can be proud, and you will be proud of yourself again. You will not be defined by your affair but by the way you responded to it. I'm glad you chose to clean up that laptop, glad you chose not to romanticize your affair in the process, and proud you've also chosen to get rid of it.

[compulsivedancer]

Why do you feel relieved to get rid of it? Be specific.

 

Sometimes you just need to cry and have a glass of wine anyway.

I think because it was one of the last vestiges of the A and my relationship with OM that I was holding on to. Some of it H didn't even know about, so it was an important step to tell him about it without prompting. It would've been easy for me to hide it or pretend it was something else, but instead I told H about it and deleted it regardless.

[compulsivedancer]

It's a tough time in your life, CD. Not much is going to feel good. If I had to guess, this is just yet one more thing that's been impacted by your affair; it's one more thing to regret. And the energy that you put into that relationship was a failed investment in a lot of ways; it's going to feel like failure. And yes, there's probably some grief over the loss of the relationship.

 

I'm encouraged that you keep taking these steps though. I'm sure it was tempting to reminisce and you still followed thru with the deletions.

 

I'm still a firm believer that an affair doesn't need to define you. It's a hell of a blow to the ego to face your mistakes so directly and it's got to be tempting to want to indulge in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Every day you will face a choice to go further into the rabbit hole or dig your way out. But you continue to make the right choices. The good news is that, given time and persistence like this, your self-esteem will be restored by so many consecutive good decisions. Keep making decisions of which you can be proud, and you will be proud of yourself again. You will not be defined by your affair but by the way you responded to it. I'm glad you chose to clean up that laptop, glad you chose not to romanticize your affair in the process, and proud you've also chosen to get rid of it.

Betrayed, part of me really really wanted to make copies and hide them. But I didn't. I can't go down that road again, where I'm hiding things from H. Even the little things (not that this was little). It would be too easy to go back to who I was during the A.

 

The writing was something that I was hoping to eventually publish, so in addition to all of the A stuff, I was sad to let go the dream that it might be publishable. But I totally understand why H wanted it gone. He actually encouraged me to read it to better understand the mindframe I was in, and he was right. I didn't read all of it, but it was (well-written) trash and it was better to get rid of it.

[compulsivedancer]

I appreciate all of the encouragement. It is much harder to cut someone out of your life than it looks in the movies. And it's not cutting him out once, it's excising him in little chunks, over and over and over and over again, as you see more evidence of him in your life. But each time I do it, it gets easier, and it makes it that much easier to focus my time, energy and love on H where it belongs.

[road]

I had some writing that I had done with OM during the A, a website we were working on prior to the A and some files on my laptop from when he was trying to repair my computer.

 

H asked that I go through everything and delete the stuff OM was involved in. I just did. I didn't even read all of the writing, and not all of it had anything specific to do with OM, but was related to that time span. I told H that I want to get rid of my laptop. Even with files deleted, OM's fingerprints are everywhere, since he worked on the computer.

 

Why do I feel so sad? I am relieved to get rid of the stuff and yet I still feel like I need a good cry and a glass of wine.

 

Btw, the reason it took me so long to do this is that I rarely use this laptop, since I recently got a new laptop from work.

 

 

Normal for the BH to demand that the WW get rid of everything contaminated by the OM.

 

Normal for the WW to grieve removing every reminder of the OM from her life. Even when the WW realizes post dday that the affair was wrong her inappropriate feelings are still there.

 

This is why NC is needed to prevent affairs from restarting. Example that the WW is an addict addicted to feelings and brain chemistry high from the OM and affair.

 

Your grieving is you as a WW detoxing from you addiction. The OM and the affair.

 

Whether a cigarette or heroin. The addict knows it is bad yet it craves it due to the high.

[BetrayedH]

I appreciate all of the encouragement. It is much harder to cut someone out of your life than it looks in the movies. And it's not cutting him out once, it's excising him in little chunks, over and over and over and over again, as you see more evidence of him in your life. But each time I do it, it gets easier, and it makes it that much easier to focus my time, energy and love on H where it belongs.

 

It's also much harder to forgive infidelity than it looks in the movies. Couples reconcile in the movies and instantly move towards happily ever after. "Gosh, he messed up but now he's back and we both know we love each other... (Cue music)" It sure doesn't work that way, even when both the BS and WS would like it to.

 

You are right that it gets easier over time. I see that theme consistently from WS and APs that start and maintain NC.

 

And you deserve the encouragement because you're doing the right things. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. Following through on this stuff is HARD and cheaters generally lack this kind of courage (which is why they hid their activities). To be honest, I think your affair was an anomaly for you and a very unfortunate one because the consequences can take so long to play out. But I think the real challenge is going to be less about you and more about your H. How is he holding up? Signs of encouragement?

[MMY]

I am having a similar issue in the fact that I have a few pics and the details of our last conversation on my laptop. I also have a song that I had written that was more about my feelings at the time and not so much about her.

 

I haven't deleted yet but I know that I need to.

 

I hope you continue to work through this with your H.

[compulsivedancer]

Normal for the BH to demand that the WW get rid of everything contaminated by the OM.

 

Normal for the WW to grieve removing every reminder of the OM from her life. Even when the WW realizes post dday that the affair was wrong her inappropriate feelings are still there.

 

This is why NC is needed to prevent affairs from restarting. Example that the WW is an addict addicted to feelings and brain chemistry high from the OM and affair.

 

Your grieving is you as a WW detoxing from you addiction. The OM and the affair.

 

Whether a cigarette or heroin. The addict knows it is bad yet it craves it due to the high.

 

Road, I resented NC so much early on. I was angry and wanted "closure." I wanted to see him "one more time" and talk and have him answer all my questions. Really, I wanted him to tell me that it was all real, that he loved me and desired me and didn't want it to end. That he wanted me all to himself and have him beg me not to go back to H (...all the stuff that the OWs talk about doing to their MM). I wanted the romantic movie ending and the chance to reject HIM on MY terms (after he gave me validation, of course).

 

Now I realize that was as much a part of the sickness as the rest, and I'm a firm supporter of NC. I'm really really grateful that AP never contacted me because it made it so much easier to move on. And I'm so glad that H made it very difficult for me to break NC so that I couldn't contact him "in a moment of weakness." It's so much easier to throw everything away than it is to pick up the pieces and work hard to put things back together.

[compulsivedancer]

But I think the real challenge is going to be less about you and more about your H. How is he holding up? Signs of encouragement?

 

He says that when he gets in dark moods, it's just as bad as it always has been, but it doesn't happen as often as it used to. He said that he thought eventually it would fade, but it hasn't really faded, just become less prevalent. That he's better now at refocusing on the future instead of the past.

 

He's told me a few times that he appreciates the effort I'm putting in, and it seems to me that it's getting easier for him; I hope that means it really is and not that he's just talking about it less.

 

It's ironic that now that I'm finally where he needs me to be as a wife, that I've found what's missing, he no longer feels the closeness to me that he used to. He still loves me, but I've definitely changed his view of the world. Before, he couldn't imagine life without me and now he can. I'm no longer his whole world. I hope someday we'll get that back, but it sounds like there's still a lot of healing left to be done.

[compulsivedancer]

I am having a similar issue in the fact that I have a few pics and the details of our last conversation on my laptop. I also have a song that I had written that was more about my feelings at the time and not so much about her.

 

I haven't deleted yet but I know that I need to.

 

I hope you continue to work through this with your H.

 

MMY, I know you're still a few months earlier into this than we are, but I would encourage you to let your W know about these things and get rid of them. Or even get rid of them and tell her about them later. Do it fast and empty your recycle bin immediately. That makes it a lot easier to not lose your nerve. For me, it was a lot easier to get rid of this stuff BECAUSE H knew about it. Once I told him about the story that OM and I wrote together, I HAD to delete. I no longer had the option to keep it, which I had given myself before.

 

I'm pretty sure this was the last specific stuff I had linking me to OM. There are still a few triggers that we'll have to get rid of, but they are of the more expensive variety (my car, for instance).

[harrybrown]

Your husband is a good man, better than many people. I hope that you realize this. Many could not take the feeling of being a backup plan or number 2 during the A. Some could never get over this and would need to move on. I wish both of you a happy R.