Author TheAlchemist Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Nothing more frustrating than being with a person that likes to whine and complain about what they don't have- but does nothing to change it. That crap gets old fast- real fast. If ambition is something you respect, it seems like you're with the wrong person for you. That's something you can change for yourself- but not for her. Your gf is what she is, and there is nothing wrong with what she is- but her ambition definitely doesn't match yours. The mistake you are making is trying to motivate her to be something you want her to be. She obviously hasn't figured out where she wants to go in life, and you have, you're at an impasse in your relationship. Its hard to just let her go after 3 years. I feel as though I owe it to her to not say anything and wait it out a little longer to see if anything changes. Is it naive of me to think that she is going to miraculously change? Sure, but Ill wait a little longer before I should make any decision because what if she is really burnt out? Ill back off and continue to just ignore it for the time being. So, if you were in my position,how long do you think is too long in terms of not being proactive? How much time do you think I should give her?
Els Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 OP, it seems you're incompatible with her. IMO if you can't accept someone the way they are and have always been, you're better off going your separate ways, I think. I don't generally agree with trying to change one's partner. It's one thing to work on compromises for specific things that do affect you, another thing entirely to push for a personality overhaul. One thing I do have to ask, though, if you are ambitious, doing a PhD (which means funding), and working 2 jobs to boot, why are you also living with your parents? It's fine for you to want ambitious women, but IMO ambitious women are unlikely to be okay with your living arrangements. 1
Author TheAlchemist Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 OP, it seems you're incompatible with her. IMO if you can't accept someone the way they are and have always been, you're better off going your separate ways, I think. I don't generally agree with trying to change one's partner. It's one thing to work on compromises for specific things that do affect you, another thing entirely to push for a personality overhaul. One thing I do have to ask, though, if you are ambitious, doing a PhD (which means funding), and working 2 jobs to boot, why are you also living with your parents? It's fine for you to want ambitious women, but IMO ambitious women are unlikely to be okay with your living arrangements. Why am I living with parents? Simple, to pay off my loans and save a little cash for grad school. In this day and age, you have to be resourceful when you don't have much. So my current living arrangement is temporary until I figure out where I get accepted. At that point, I will have to relocate. No shame in living with parents if you're trying to save money. My gf is also back with her parents as well. If I was financially steady and had no loans to pay back, I probably would have had my own place. IMO just because your ambitious doesn't mean your life is steady. If I ever meet a woman who looks down upon me because I'm trying to save money for school and loans, then that is not a woman for me. 1
Els Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 There is really no shame in it. However, you seem to want a specific type of woman, that your gf is not, and that you are trying to 'mold' her into becoming. I'm sure you can see how this leads down the slippery slope into oblivion. My point of you living with your parents, was that it would probably clash with your desire for an ambitious woman, as ambitious women (the way you envision them, at least) are less likely to be okay with that at your age. If it's temporary, you should be fine.
MissBee Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 Hey everyone I have never actually spoken about my problems online before..but I really dont have anyone to speak to. My gf and I have been dating for a little more than 2.5 years and for the most part its been great. I graduated from college a year ago and she just graduated in May. We are both back in our hometown living with our parents. I am in the midst of applying for my PhD in computer engineering and my prospects look good. In the past year, I have kept myself busy and I am currently working 2 jobs to pay off loans and bills. Unfortunately, thats where my gf comes in. From January to May, my gf only took one course and subsequently graduated in May. Since she moved back home in May, she has failed to be productive. She states that she is on a break, but a break from what? One course this year? She hasn't looked for a job or even a graduate program. It even took her an entire month to sign up for a gym. Now I know that Im not her father and none of this is my problem and I shouldn't try to dictate what she should do. For the most part, I try not to speak with her about this because I understand that it bothers the heck out of her. However, her lack of action has affected our relationship greatly. There is a huge lack of intimacy because she is insecure of her body. For the past few months, she has gained weight because she is too unmotivated to go to the gym. In addition to her bodyweight, she complains often about her lack of financial stability....but she doesn't really do much about it. Her whining is getting old and her lack of discipline is becoming unattractive. I have tried to her help her out by not being accusatory. I have tried to encourage her to go to the gym by suggesting we work together...I have sent her workout plans and diets. I have tried to help her out without pointing a finger saying "you're fat". I have tried to motivate her into looking for a job by researching jobs and sending her job opportunities . I really am trying here, but Im beginning to understand I can't motivate her. I guess what sucks is that because I avoid speaking to her about this subject, I become annoyed because I am bottling up my emotions. Every time I have brought it up, she states that I am judging her and that I am making her seem like she is less than me. What else can I do?? What would you do if someone is lazy and won't even want to talk about it? You can't do anything about it. Ambition comes from that person. You can't make them have ambitions and stop being lazy. You can only help those who are trying and already helping themselves. I couldn't be with someone like that. I'm doing stuff and going places and someone who is just sitting around doing nothing, with no good reason why not, will just be dragging me down and won't be adding any value to my life personally. The relationship would deteriorate as I'd be more and more annoyed. 2
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