Unambitious GF =Unattractive??

[TheAlchemist]

Hey everyone

 

I have never actually spoken about my problems online before..but I really dont have anyone to speak to. My gf and I have been dating for a little more than 2.5 years and for the most part its been great. I graduated from college a year ago and she just graduated in May. We are both back in our hometown living with our parents. I am in the midst of applying for my PhD in computer engineering and my prospects look good. In the past year, I have kept myself busy and I am currently working 2 jobs to pay off loans and bills.

 

Unfortunately, thats where my gf comes in. From January to May, my gf only took one course and subsequently graduated in May. Since she moved back home in May, she has failed to be productive. She states that she is on a break, but a break from what? One course this year?

 

She hasn't looked for a job or even a graduate program. It even took her an entire month to sign up for a gym. Now I know that Im not her father and none of this is my problem and I shouldn't try to dictate what she should do. For the most part, I try not to speak with her about this because I understand that it bothers the heck out of her.

 

However, her lack of action has affected our relationship greatly. There is a huge lack of intimacy because she is insecure of her body. For the past few months, she has gained weight because she is too unmotivated to go to the gym. In addition to her bodyweight, she complains often about her lack of financial stability....but she doesn't really do much about it. Her whining is getting old and her lack of discipline is becoming unattractive.

 

I have tried to her help her out by not being accusatory. I have tried to encourage her to go to the gym by suggesting we work together...I have sent her workout plans and diets. I have tried to help her out without pointing a finger saying "you're fat". I have tried to motivate her into looking for a job by researching jobs and sending her job opportunities . I really am trying here, but Im beginning to understand I can't motivate her. I guess what sucks is that because I avoid speaking to her about this subject, I become annoyed because I am bottling up my emotions. Every time I have brought it up, she states that I am judging her and that I am making her seem like she is less than me. What else can I do?? What would you do if someone is lazy and won't even want to talk about it?

[TheAlchemist]

Wow. You have a lot to learn. You are either very brave or very foolish.

 

 

 

What do you think sending workout plans and diets is?

 

 

 

Accept her for who she is (and who she is right now might not be who she will always be).

 

If you can't do that, move on.

 

Sorry didnt mention this, her first excuse for not working out was not knowing what to do and not wanting to go alone....so as a former personal trainer, I tried to get her started by helping her out. To no avail...she is completely insecure, but does nothing to change it.

[KungFuJoe]

Wow. You have a lot to learn. You are either very brave or very foolish.

 

 

 

What do you think sending workout plans and diets is?

 

 

 

Accept her for who she is (and who she is right now might not be who she will always be).

 

If you can't do that, move on.

 

Horrible advice there.

 

Op, I think you are trying as much as you can...but like they say...you can lead a horse to water.......

 

Sounds like she's just lazy. Do you guys live together?

[TheAlchemist]

No we don't. We both live with our parents. I am staying here for the foreseeable future until I get accepted to a grad program. But unlike my gf, I think its embarrassing for me to ask my parents for money in my twenties. Im young, healthy, and intelligent..no reason for me not to support myself. I recognize that many people wont share my level of discipline (was raised in military family), but a lack of ambition is a turnoff. I don't understand why my gf is so insecure about her job situation and body weight...when she can change herself by being an adult.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Have you talked to her about how she is feeling?

 

Is she depressed?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Wow. You have a lot to learn. You are either very brave or very foolish.

 

 

 

What do you think sending workout plans and diets is?

 

 

 

Accept her for who she is (and who she is right now might not be who she will always be).

 

If you can't do that, move on.

 

This is awful advice. Keedityp, YOU are the foolish one. Being fat is a bad thing.

 

OP, I say dump her.

[TheAlchemist]

No, that's awful advice. If she were a drug addict would you say the same thing? Why should he have to just sit there and accept bad behavior? Especially when it is detrimental both to herself and their relationship.

 

Not only has she gotten fat but she's unmotivated to change this among many other things. I can't imagine being with someone who constantly complained about something yet did nothing to try to change it.

 

OP I'm sorry to say but you shouldn't have to put up with this. You need to have a very frank, serious discussion with your girlfriend and let her know that you care about her but that what she is doing (or not doing) is putting a tremendous strain on your relationship and that if she doesn't make a serious effort to improve things you're going to walk. Because that's what you're going to have to do if she doesn't or else you're no better than her.

 

What you mention in your last paragraph is something that I have tried....maybe just not hard enough. Its just sad that the mere mention of her doing something just fires her up. About 3 weeks ago I told her that she should become more proactive as an individual or we wouldn't really work out. She responded back with, "why are you giving me an ultimatum?". I have a date in my head, where if she does not improve, Im going to have to consider leaving her. Its going to be hard because I really do love her, but I keep thinking that if this gets serious...can I put up with this for much longer if she doesnt change? My issue with her laziness doesnt just pertain to her career/health, but also our relationship. She used to be fiesty, sexy, and adventurous...she used to make me feel like I was her man. Now I am trying to court her in the hopes that maybe she would snap out of it and be herself again. Hr insecurity with her body has really affected our intimacy greatly

[TheAlchemist]

Have you talked to her about how she is feeling?

 

Is she depressed?

 

She is not depressed..she goes out 3 nights a week with her gfs! I give her the freedom to go out and have fun. She is happy..just apathetic, resistant, and unwilling.

[KungFuJoe]

How old are you guys?

[TheAlchemist]

How old are you guys?

 

Im 24. She is 22.

[Carenth]

She is not depressed..she goes out 3 nights a week with her gfs! I give her the freedom to go out and have fun. She is happy..just apathetic, resistant, and unwilling.

 

Have you actually asked her if she is depressed? Appearances can be very deceiving. For me what you have described sounds like the hallmark signs of depression.

 

It is what happened to me when I was depressed I lost all motivation for pretty much everything. Things I used to enjoy I didn't anymore and I didn't know why. I put on weight, my studies suffered, my work suffered. I would go out with friends to try and escape how I was feeling. I would put on a fake "happy face" in public because I felt ashamed that I felt horrible inside. When I was alone I pretty much felt dead inside.

 

It wasn't until I went and got help from professionals that I got back on track. I'm not saying you have to accept her behavior but have you actually sat down and asked her the simple question "Are you ok?".

 

I lost a very close friend of mine at the start of the year to depression and I had no idea how much she was suffering. She was probably the most outgoing person I knew very bubbly always happy to have people around.

[KungFuJoe]

Im 24. She is 22.

 

Well...you guys are still pretty young. I know when I was 22 all I did was go out to bars, clubs, etc...show up to work drunk or hungover...didn't want to do jack. I lived on my own though, but I had two roommates and was just kinda bouncing from job to job.

 

How long has this been going on? She might just be going through a phase.

 

Honestly, I don't think any advice from anyone here is going to help. I would say just go with your gut. If you think she's an honest, hard working person who understands responsibility and is just going through a phase, stick with her and continue to offer support. But if this trend of being lazy, not caring, and just floating through life continues further...then it might be worth it to bail.

[TheAlchemist]

Have you actually asked her if she is depressed? Appearances can be very deceiving. For me what you have described sounds like the hallmark signs of depression.

 

It is what happened to me when I was depressed I lost all motivation for pretty much everything. Things I used to enjoy I didn't anymore and I didn't know why. I put on weight, my studies suffered, my work suffered. I would go out with friends to try and escape how I was feeling. I would put on a fake "happy face" in public because I felt ashamed that I felt horrible inside. When I was alone I pretty much felt dead inside.

 

It wasn't until I went and got help from professionals that I got back on track. I'm not saying you have to accept her behavior but have you actually sat down and asked her the simple question "Are you ok?".

 

I lost a very close friend of mine at the start of the year to depression and I had no idea how much she was suffering. She was probably the most outgoing person I knew very bubbly always happy to have people around.

 

Yes, I asked her about a month ago. I thought the same thing as well. She told me she wasn't, just told me to back off and let her have her "break". The question is a break from what?

[KungFuJoe]

I want to add that just because she goes out with her friends doesn't mean she's NOT depressed. I was going through a depression phase when I was 22 to about 23/24 and I went out ALL the time...but mostly to escape. Depression doesn't always mean lying in bed all day sobbing into a pillow. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to diagnose. She COULD be going through depression of some kind.

[TheAlchemist]

I want to add that just because she goes out with her friends doesn't mean she's NOT depressed. I was going through a depression phase when I was 22 to about 23/24 and I went out ALL the time...but mostly to escape. Depression doesn't always mean lying in bed all day sobbing into a pillow. Sometimes it can be pretty hard to diagnose. She COULD be going through depression of some kind.

 

Well, I tried to speak about this with her and she said that she was not depressed. She doesn't seem depressed at all. I dont know everything going through her mind, but I cant think of many things that are going wrong in her life. Even if she had a problem, she is one of those people who would refuse to see a shrink...

[carhill]

She's 22 and you've been together 2.5 years.

 

Wanderlust. Probably has nothing to do with you. Just don't get blind-sided. Good luck and welcome to LS.

[KungFuJoe]

Did you say she just graduated from college?

 

If so, and she's 22 that means she did the whole school thing from K to college without a break. To you, that may sound like no big deal, but to a lot of people, it can be a very stressful time of life. I know because I barely made it out of high school and only made half ass attempts at college.

 

It's quite possible that she's burnt out from school and that she DOES need a break.

 

I will say this much...as hard as it might be for you to do...pressuring her is the LAST thing you want to do. It's just going to make it harder on both of you. Even you offering to help and provide workout plans is probably just more "pressure" in her eyes.

 

I'm definitely not faulting you, but if she IS burnt out (and I've been there done that) the last thing she wants is some super motivated go getter telling her to buck up.

 

Again, it comes down to what you are compatible with. If you want someone who is super motivated and always on the move and going somewhere...maybe she's NOT the one for you.

 

My wife and I are not the most motivated people in the world. I'm pretty damn lazy to be honest and she can be, too. But, we're "equal" in our motivation level and our laziness and because we can relate to each other, there are never any arguments about it. There are days when we are super busy with work and our kids and then there's days when I don't wanna do **** expect veg and post on LS.

 

The key is compatibility.

[Carenth]

That's a tough place to be in.. there doesn't have to be something "wrong" with someones life to be depressed. For me there was no reason and to this day I don't know why it happened to me. It was just like one day my passion for life started draining for no reason. Everything in my life was going pretty ok at that point.

 

I was very defensive when anyone asked me about it to be honest. Because I myself refused to believe I was depressed because I felt I had no valid reason to be depressed. I now know that depression doesn't need a reason it just is what it is.

 

If she won't even talk to you about how she is feeling then I'm not really sure what else you can do to be honest. I refused to go see a shrink because I was afraid of being labeled crazy.

 

I ended up going to see my GP and they were able to a lot for me and eventually I did end up seeing a shrink after some time after been assured that I was not crazy and or broken.

[TheAlchemist]

Did you say she just graduated from college?

 

If so, and she's 22 that means she did the whole school thing from K to college without a break. To you, that may sound like no big deal, but to a lot of people, it can be a very stressful time of life. I know because I barely made it out of high school and only made half ass attempts at college.

 

It's quite possible that she's burnt out from school and that she DOES need a break.

 

I will say this much...as hard as it might be for you to do...pressuring her is the LAST thing you want to do. It's just going to make it harder on both of you. Even you offering to help and provide workout plans is probably just more "pressure" in her eyes.

 

I'm definitely not faulting you, but if she IS burnt out (and I've been there done that) the last thing she wants is some super motivated go getter telling her to buck up.

 

Again, it comes down to what you are compatible with. If you want someone who is super motivated and always on the move and going somewhere...maybe she's NOT the one for you.

 

My wife and I are not the most motivated people in the world. I'm pretty damn lazy to be honest and she can be, too. But, we're "equal" in our motivation level and our laziness and because we can relate to each other, there are never any arguments about it. There are days when we are super busy with work and our kids and then there's days when I don't wanna do **** expect veg and post on LS.

 

The key is compatibility.

 

Thanks for the advice man and I completely agree with you. I now have learned that I should place a greater value on compatibility in terms of ambition and motivation. She believes that I am anti-social and that I work too much. I disagree, I just have these things called loans I have to pay back. If you read my original post you would see that she took one course her last semester (january to may). So in 2013, she had 1 course and zero jobs. She went on a month long backpacking trip through Europe with her best friend from May to June and has been vegging out for the past 3 months. I know I shouldn't keep pressing the issue and I really haven't been trying to bring it up. However, not being able to voice my concern straight up without getting into a fight obligates me into bottling my feelings towards her laziness. And thats why Im here on LS

[Carenth]

I have to agree with Kungfu. She could also be burnt out which does that time to recover from and I know you mean well but if that is the case as well having someone barking marching orders over and over will just end in resentment on both sides.

 

My current girlfriend is like myself we have both gone through depression and recovered. We are both motivated at times but we have our moments but the key is we understand each other and we have very open lines of communication.

 

We both know we can talk to each other if we are feeling down and know there will be no judgement.

 

If you two aren't on the same page (and it sounds like you are not) then maybe it is time to consider what is best for both of you going forward if it is causing that much strain.

[TheAlchemist]

That's a tough place to be in.. there doesn't have to be something "wrong" with someones life to be depressed. For me there was no reason and to this day I don't know why it happened to me. It was just like one day my passion for life started draining for no reason. Everything in my life was going pretty ok at that point.

 

I was very defensive when anyone asked me about it to be honest. Because I myself refused to believe I was depressed because I felt I had no valid reason to be depressed. I now know that depression doesn't need a reason it just is what it is.

 

If she won't even talk to you about how she is feeling then I'm not really sure what else you can do to be honest. I refused to go see a shrink because I was afraid of being labeled crazy.

 

I ended up going to see my GP and they were able to a lot for me and eventually I did end up seeing a shrink after some time after been assured that I was not crazy and or broken.

 

Well, like you said. If someone doesn't want to talk or to improve on their own..then what else can I do? Just wait I guess, but Ill wait to a point.

[TheAlchemist]

I have to agree with Kungfu. She could also be burnt out which does that time to recover from and I know you mean well but if that is the case as well having someone barking marching orders over and over will just end in resentment on both sides.

 

My current girlfriend is like myself we have both gone through depression and recovered. We are both motivated at times but we have our moments but the key is we understand each other and we have very open lines of communication.

 

We both know we can talk to each other if we are feeling down and know there will be no judgement.

 

If you two aren't on the same page (and it sounds like you are not) then maybe it is time to consider what is best for both of you going forward if it is causing that much strain.

 

Like I told KungFu, there is nothing for her to be burnt out from. She took 4 months to complete one measly course, while she went out a partied hard every single night. Is she burnt out from partying? lol No offense to her, but she didn't do that great in college either.

[Carenth]

Well, like you said. If someone doesn't want to talk or to improve on their own..then what else can I do? Just wait I guess, but Ill wait to a point.

 

There is not a whole lot you can do if that is the case. Though your attempts to motivate her may be pushing her further away. For example my older brother was really worried about me when I was going through all this.

 

He didn't understand depression. I didn't either at the time. He thought he could motivate me to help me get back on my feet. Went down the road of telling me to harden the **** up and eat concrete because I'm a man and men don't get sad.

 

Basically made me feel worthless constantly reminding me of things I already knew. I didn't know how to break the cycle at that point. I withdrew from contact with him. To this day I have trouble talking to him and I know he meant well but it had a very negative effect on our relationship.

 

But I stress this is not a problem you have to fix. It's for her to fix. It took me years to get over my depression and I completely understand where you are coming from. If she doesn't do something to get her out of this cycle then I wouldn't blame you for wanting to move on.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Carenth

[TheAlchemist]

There is not a whole lot you can do if that is the case. Though your attempts to motivate her may be pushing her further away. For example my older brother was really worried about me when I was going through all this.

 

He didn't understand depression. I didn't either at the time. He thought he could motivate me to help me get back on my feet. Went down the road of telling me to harden the **** up and eat concrete because I'm a man and men don't get sad.

 

Basically made me feel worthless constantly reminding me of things I already knew. I didn't know how to break the cycle at that point. I withdrew from contact with him. To this day I have trouble talking to him and I know he meant well but it had a very negative effect on our relationship.

 

But I stress this is not a problem you have to fix. It's for her to fix. It took me years to get over my depression and I completely understand where you are coming from. If she doesn't do something to get her out of this cycle then I wouldn't blame you for wanting to move on.

 

I guess you're right. She is a big girl, its in her hand.

[D-Lish]

No we don't. We both live with our parents. I am staying here for the foreseeable future until I get accepted to a grad program. But unlike my gf, I think its embarrassing for me to ask my parents for money in my twenties. Im young, healthy, and intelligent..no reason for me not to support myself. I recognize that many people wont share my level of discipline (was raised in military family), but a lack of ambition is a turnoff. I don't understand why my gf is so insecure about her job situation and body weight...when she can change herself by being an adult.

 

Nothing more frustrating than being with a person that likes to whine and complain about what they don't have- but does nothing to change it. That crap gets old fast- real fast.

 

If ambition is something you respect, it seems like you're with the wrong person for you. That's something you can change for yourself- but not for her.

 

Your gf is what she is, and there is nothing wrong with what she is- but her ambition definitely doesn't match yours.

 

The mistake you are making is trying to motivate her to be something you want her to be. She obviously hasn't figured out where she wants to go in life, and you have, you're at an impasse in your relationship.