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Relationship put on hold because of his stress over new job. How much space do I give

CMC8200

By CMC8200
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CMC8200 New Member

CMC8200

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I spent the entire summer dating this amazing guy. We spent 3-5 days a week together and on our last date he mentioned he was ready to meet my parents. We weren't exactly exclusive yet, but we definitely weren't dating other people. I'm pretty sure he was about to ask me to be his girlfriend.

 

Then, his new job started and it is a much, much bigger time commitment than he thought it would be. He's working about 70 hours a week now and does not have time to see me anymore. We had a talk about this and he was just so afraid he doesn't have enough time to give me that he said he couldn't be in a relationship right now. He's completely stressed out all the time. He did say he doesn't want to stop seeing me though, he just has to see me less.

 

So, since that talk, in which I said I didn't want to date anyone else and that I was willing to give us a try even with his schedule, I have been giving him space. I haven't contacted him in 4 days and he hasn't contacted me either.

 

I feel it's the right person, but not the right time. I believe that once his schedule slows down he'd want to be in a relationship, but until then I'm not sure what to do. Should I only talk to him if he reaches out first? I don't want him to forget about me. Is it annoying if I still ask to see him? How should I handle this without stressing him out more?

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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If he met a girl he was crazy about, he'd have wanted to be exclusive with her early on. Within a few weeks.

 

As for his schedule. Again, if he found a girl he was nuts about, he'd find a few minutes each day to text her.

 

At best, he really really likes you; he just isn't falling hard for u, in the way that is possible of him to fall for others. The guy eats. When he sits down to eat, I think he'd find even one minute to text a girl he was that into.

  • Like 5
rocksteady85 Member

rocksteady85

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If he's interested in you, he won't forget you. As far as how much space to give him, as much as he wants.

 

Here's the thing though: anytime a man says he doesn't want a relationship, or can't be in a relationship, what they really mean is he doesn't want a relationship/ can't be in a relationship WITH YOU. A guy who really wants to be in a relationship with someone will make time for the right woman.

 

If you're not in a relationship currently with him, date other people. He'll have all the space he needs and wants, and he'll know that he'll have to learn some kind of work/life balance if he wants to keep you.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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I get the schedule thing. I don't think it's completely fair to be like "if he was so into you he'd find time." It's a new job, and those are crazy hours. He needs to focus right now, get in the swing of things. As his job goes on he may get a feel for the schedule and his body may adjust but there are no guarantees of that.

 

The guy I'm talking to now has those hours + some. And I think it's the biggest reason why we aren't more serious than we are. He's just always working and any time he DOES have off he needs to focus on his life, doing things he couldn't do on his work days, seeing his family, caring for his nephew... I see him roughly once a week and we talk every few days, but I can relate to the "he hasn't talked to me in days" thing.

 

If it's a high stress job (which I know my guy's is) that can also contribute to the lack of contact. I know that my guy's schedule will calm down in roughly a year. Am I going to wait in limbo until then? Absolutely not. If I meet someone, or I want to go on dates, I will.

 

It's up to you whether you want to wait around on him and his workload. Is there an end date here? Is there a goal he's going for? Right now his priority is obviously his career, not a relationship. And it was good that he told you, but know that he's pulling back and it's going to be really hard on you. I'd say for right now, just casually date him. Don't make him a 100% priority, go about living your life, living well. Who knows, you may meet someone else during this time.

rocksteady85 Member

rocksteady85

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That's the thing though. You can do all this in a relationship. You can focus on a career other than a relationship. Hell, my career ALWAYS comes first, but that doesn't mean I can't being a relationship either. The girl I like, she works a standard 9-5 M-F. I don't. I work afternoon-evening, don't get off until 9 or 10pm most nights. I work weekends too. We NEVER have the same days off, unless by some miracle I get a weekend off. Our schedules are totally not compatible, but you betcha I'm trying to see her when I can, or text her when I can.

 

The point is that you have to be on the same page. His schedule is busy. Are you okay with it being busy? Do you understand and accept that he may not be able to show you the same amount of attention as before? Are you needy? Are you getting upset because he's busy and can't spend time with you? Do you keep trying to make plans and dates because you're worried he's not interested anymore, knowing he can't go because he's busy? If he feels ANY of that from you, then he doesn't want a relationship like that. It's not worth it. You're not right for him.

 

If you can be totally A-OKAY and accepting and not get all butthurt about his new schedule, and show that you're not needy and let him find the time for you instead of you trying to make him find time for you (you're not in control of his schedule), then yes, he will continue to want a relationship with you. But you have to be on the same page with it.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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That's the thing though. You can do all this in a relationship.

 

That's only if the person with the crazy schedule WANTS a relationship. He already told her he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. Which is understandable. If he has limited free time, he may not want to have to have all this time monopolized by a girlfriend. Relationships themselves are stressful, and he may not want to be in something where he knows he won't really get to see her.

 

OP's guy wants to make work a priority.

 

So for how much space to give him... a lot of it. He's not your boyfriend, and he said he doesn't want to be right now. Let him initiate dates and seeing you. Don't stress him out more with calls/texting/asking him out.

rocksteady85 Member

rocksteady85

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I agree with everything except the first line... it's merely incomplete. He doesn't want a relationship... WITH HER. It could be with ANYONE, and I bet you anything if he's single with the crazy schedule and meets That Woman... yeah, he's going to make an effort to squeeze her into his busy schedule, if she can accept that he has a busy schedule. As a free agent/single man, he's dating on HIS terms, as he should (and as the OP should).

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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I agree with everything except the first line... it's merely incomplete. He doesn't want a relationship... WITH HER.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree. Right now, he's emotionally unavailable. She could be the greatest catch in the world, if he doesn't want a relationship it doesn't matter WHAT girl walks into his life. His mentality is not there.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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He's told you he doesn't want / can't have a relationship right now. Listen to him. 4 days and he hasn't contacted you? That's a clear indicator he's not making you a priority, which he told you was going to happen.

 

I think you need to keep your options open and date around. If this guy were really into you, he'd at least have made time to connect with you via a text or a quick call. He hasn't done so, and I wouldn't be waiting around and hoping that he does. I can't imagine he's forgotten about you, but he isn't eager to keep things going with you right now.

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CMC8200 New Member

CMC8200

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I have to believe that his job is the only reason he can't see me right now because up until then things were perfect. I liked the pace we were setting, it wasn't too fast and we both felt comfortable. We both knew where things were headed. I think the amount of work required truly surprised him and he doesn't know how to handle it yet. He's already the type of person who doesn't handle stress well.

 

I was stressing him out more by complaining when he'd cancel plans because he was overwhelmed with work that night. Sometimes a person isn't in their best place to start a relationship. I don't think it's completely realistic to say, "he would make time if he really liked her" because he literally hardly has time to eat. Until he's feeling better about himself and his life he won't be ready. But I'd still like to be there for him. I guess that sounds dumb, but I have absolutely no interest in seeing other people.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

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OP's guy wants to make work a priority.

 

And a relationship with her is not important at all. Why should she make him important and wait like an idiot while he does 'more important' stuff?

 

She should move on and date other people. When he's ready to give her the importance she deserves, he can be all 'oooh I shoulda coulda woulda' when she is in a happy relationship with someone who gives her importance in his life.

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Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

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We'll have to agree to disagree. Right now, he's emotionally unavailable. She could be the greatest catch in the world, if he doesn't want a relationship it doesn't matter WHAT girl walks into his life. His mentality is not there.

 

I agree. However, she shouldn't wait and 'give him space'. She should move on.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Kat are you talking about the firefighter? The one you REALLY liked? If so it's clear he's put you on the back burner as a FWB and you begrudgingly accept it. I read a post by you that he poofed when you had "the talk".

 

I always laugh when girls accept the excuse that "oh he's so busy poor thing I'm going to be understanding and give him space."

 

Yeah, I called him a FWB in another thread of mine. We never had "the talk" I had wanted to but we never actually had it.

 

One night he mentioned getting together if he didn't get called into work. And he was, and I turned into a girl and was like forget this I'm just not talking to you again.

 

I thought he poofed but he never officially did. We wound up talking again, and we're still talking now. From that point up until now I've actually learned a lot about him/his schedule, etc etc.

 

I'm aware of what his schedule is like, what he's got going on. I'm fine with it. I'm not pining or staying JUST with him, I've gone on a few dates while still talking to him. I've pulled back emotionally. When we do go out we have fun, we talk, we laugh.

 

Speaking of, he just asked me for a date on Monday. Blah Blah Blah. Lol.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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And a relationship with her is not important at all. Why should she make him important and wait like an idiot while he does 'more important' stuff?

 

She should move on and date other people. When he's ready to give her the importance she deserves, he can be all 'oooh I shoulda coulda woulda' when she is in a happy relationship with someone who gives her importance in his life.

 

No where did I say she should make him important and wait like an idiot. It's clear you didn't read my posts at all.

 

I said it's up to her whether she should wait around for him, but I clearly told her to just casually date him, keep her options open, and that who knows she could meet someone else while just casually dating him.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Well girl I would just be careful. I just read another post of yours where you claim to be "completely addicted" to him and as far as I can tell you're an option, going days without contacting you and only seeing you once a week. He's pretty good at keeping the status quo. That would not feel good to me.

 

Addicted sexually, yes. lol.

 

Am I second priority to his job? Absolutely. But I don't take it personal because I know his line of work, and that's a "thing" with fire-wives and their spouses. They all come second, they all feel it, they all know it, and it's a rough life. It's a huge reason why firemen have very high divorce rates. They make great fathers, but bad husbands. It takes a certain kind of woman to be able to handle this lifestyle.

 

Not saying I'm going to be serious with this guy, or even marry him. But I know he's not Joe-Schmo off the street just doing whatever. If we don't talk for a couple days, it's because he's working a 24 + overtime. Even days we don't talk, I know what he's doing because he tells me the schedule before he even goes in.

 

His normal schedule + mandatory OT (yes mandatory) runs out in about a year. Again, not saying I'll even still be messing with him a year from now, but this was just a situation that had to happen due to what went on with the fire dept.

 

Whenever he is off from work, he asks to see me. Sometimes it's been twice a week, sometimes only once a week. But regardless of how often, everything about him has been consistent.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

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Addicted sexually, yes. lol.

 

Am I second priority to his job? Absolutely. But I don't take it personal because I know his line of work, and that's a "thing" with fire-wives and their spouses. They all come second, they all feel it, they all know it, and it's a rough life. It's a huge reason why firemen have very high divorce rates. They make great fathers, but bad husbands. It takes a certain kind of woman to be able to handle this lifestyle.

 

Not saying I'm going to be serious with this guy, or even marry him. But I know he's not Joe-Schmo off the street just doing whatever. If we don't talk for a couple days, it's because he's working a 24 + overtime. Even days we don't talk, I know what he's doing because he tells me the schedule before he even goes in.

 

His normal schedule + mandatory OT (yes mandatory) runs out in about a year. Again, not saying I'll even still be messing with him a year from now, but this was just a situation that had to happen due to what went on with the fire dept.

 

Whenever he is off from work, he asks to see me. Sometimes it's been twice a week, sometimes only once a week. But regardless of how often, everything about him has been consistent.

 

Are you his girlfriend? I mean 'official title' and all?

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Are you his girlfriend? I mean 'official title' and all?

 

No, not at all. I already said earlier that I refer to him as my FWB. We honestly haven't even hung out long enough to be "official." I don't want to get so invested in him, and it's why I also go out on other dates, all while seeing him at the same time.

 

I don't have a "destination" in mind. I'm going with the flow, enjoying the time we do spend together. I'm having a better time just being carefree about it, laid back, without being all "heady" wondering, "where is this going?!" "What am I?!" "Where do we stand?!"

 

He's always been consistent. And because of his schedule and how often I can see him, it's just moving slower than something where both see each other often. Or maybe it's not going anywhere. Only time will tell. I don't want labels, or pressure. His line of work basically requires me to be flexible, and accommodating. I'm sure anyone could come here and say, "If he liked you he'd make time!" Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all mold" when it comes to careers, and the time it requires of those people. He's often picked up for OT the same day. He often gives up a day off b/c he has to fill in, or go in for OT, which again, is mandatory.

 

His line of work is high stress, high pressure, and extreme hours. Not sure what OP's guy does, but I'm just telling you my side of it.

 

It's not so easy to say, "He'd make time if he was into you" when everyone's situation is different, sometimes it's not that black and white.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Sounds like he's done a wonderful job of managing down your expectations.

 

No that's actually what goes on in regards to firemen and their time, schedules and their spouses. It's not old news, and it's not designated to just him.

 

Scriberson 365: On being married to a Firefighter

 

It's a lonely life. That's what it is. It's my choice to continue seeing him right now. Right now, I'm OK with it.

 

I tried dating someone that wanted to see me often. I told him to p*ss off. I just can't handle someone smothering me. I'm too independent. So for right now, this is good for me. I live my life, see my friends, and when we get together we have a great time.

 

It's really easy for you to sit there and say, "he could come for a few hours just to see you." No. In my case, he actually can't. When they're working a 24 or a 48 it's not like they get to go home for a little while to kill time. They're GONE for that time. So while it's wonderful that your guy works a lot, it's also wonderful he's able to have that time where he can run to see you and get back. Not everyone is your boyfriend.

Edited by KatZee
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

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I spent the entire summer dating this amazing guy. We spent 3-5 days a week together and on our last date he mentioned he was ready to meet my parents. We weren't exactly exclusive yet, but we definitely weren't dating other people. I'm pretty sure he was about to ask me to be his girlfriend.

 

Then, his new job started and it is a much, much bigger time commitment than he thought it would be. He's working about 70 hours a week now and does not have time to see me anymore. We had a talk about this and he was just so afraid he doesn't have enough time to give me that he said he couldn't be in a relationship right now. He's completely stressed out all the time. He did say he doesn't want to stop seeing me though, he just has to see me less.

 

So, since that talk, in which I said I didn't want to date anyone else and that I was willing to give us a try even with his schedule, I have been giving him space. I haven't contacted him in 4 days and he hasn't contacted me either.

 

I feel it's the right person, but not the right time. I believe that once his schedule slows down he'd want to be in a relationship, but until then I'm not sure what to do. Should I only talk to him if he reaches out first? I don't want him to forget about me. Is it annoying if I still ask to see him? How should I handle this without stressing him out more?

 

I don't think it's a question of giving him space. He stated "he couldn't be in a relationship right now". That means, he does not have the time available to invest emotionally. You can be a platonic friend and keep in touch from time-to-time, or, move on. What do you want to do?

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Sorry KatZee I like you as a poster and think you give great advice but I'm calling BS on you. You HAVE been heady about this dude, from the start.

 

Was heady. Was. The night that he was called in for OT and we weren't able to get together was the day I pulled all my emotions back. I stopped all my obsessive thoughts about how great it was, where we were going, and all of that.

 

Since that night I already dated one guy for a couple weeks, and went out with another guy.

 

My options most certainly aren't closed to meeting new people. That second thread you posted was before that happened and before I cut my emotions out.

 

And I'm most certainly not "falling for him." In the beginning, I thought I may have been. For the past month? No. I've pulled back, which I've always been exceptional with. I'm able to turn emotional feelings off real fast. Not sure if this is normal, but it's something I do when I realize I can get hurt. I did it with my ex and it was why I didn't shed one tear when he dumped me after 3 years together.

 

The "spark" I was referring to, was a general curious question. I was genuinely curious if one person felt a physical spark, could the other feel it too. That's not me hoping or wishing he feels it too. Was a general inquiry question. And clicking on the link I actually prefaced the entire first post: "This is just a general question."

 

It's no wonder the dude who DID want to see you didn't stand a chance. You want the one you can't have - and fireboy knows it.

 

This doesn't bode well for you. You want more. And guess what? Admitting it doesn't make you weak. But it WOULD require that you take action to put yourself first.

 

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. This guy didn't stand a chance even if fireboy wasn't in the picture. I'm not about needy, clingy, pathetic, desperate, and overbearing people. Which he was. I didn't speak to the kid for ONE DAY and he sends me a text telling me: "You haven't said hi in 24 hours. I'm feeling forgotten."

 

Are you kidding me? Get out of here. I gave him ample opportunity. I wasn't even hanging out with fireman when I was dating that kid. I was more than willing to give him a shot. Too weak for me. So THAT'S why he didn't have a shot with me.

 

And do I want more? I did. As I said, I'm very capable of cutting emotion out. Being aware of his schedule, I know anything with him would be hard. I'm not sure I would even commit myself to being in something so hard, after reading fire wife stories, spouse stories. It's HARD.

 

I understand some people can't comprehend this. Maybe I'm more emotionally unavailable than I really know, or maybe I've just been in so much bad sh*t that I'm not capable of being there for someone on a consistent basis.

 

Either way, I'm dating. I see fireman on the side. What's the problem if no one is getting hurt?

Edited by KatZee
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Well only you know what is going on in your heart. But - it's quite clear that this guy has been great at, as I said, managing down your expectations. Because you have.

 

And these are your very own words from your "sparks" thread:

 

"In my situation, I feel this "spark" with this guy. If he so much as just touches me (we were cuddling last night) I had this gut churning sensation/tingle.

 

As the night went on he was just slowly kissing me for a long while, brushing my hair back and scratching my scalp, gave me a shoulder massage, intertwined his legs with mine and wrapped his arm around me.

 

I'm wondering if he's feeling that "spark" too."

 

Not so "general". Hon your words contradict themselves. You know what I think? I think deep down you're just as emotionally vulnerable as any of us and you would love it if this guy fell in love with you. I think you put up a hard exterior but underneath it you're mush. And I KNOW that what your ex did hurt you VERY deeply. There are countless threads on LS about him - and by the way for that I'm sorry.

 

Anyway - good luck. Only you know what you can handle, as does the OP. xo

 

Actually that night threw me for a loop. I never said I didn't feel a spark with this guy, but the spark is mainly sexual.

 

That's why I made the thread. I was all about it just being fun, no emotions, and we hung out and that's what happened from his end. That to me was more emotionally than physical. I was laying there like... "the hell?" I was utterly and truly confused.

 

When that most recent guy I tried dating was all into me, I pretty much just ran away. I couldn't tolerate it for a second. I think anything "real" would scare the hell out of me, and it's probably why I'm attracted to the idea of it being casual, and every so often. That's really all I'm capable of giving right now.

 

I don't know if I'm damaged or what, I mean I only talked to him for at most 2 weeks, and he was telling me I was "closed off" "guarded" and that I had a "wall up." If anything, I'm TOO emotionally un-vulnerable. If that's even a word. I really don't let people in. Ever.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

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Well Katzee, good for you if you are comfortable with this situation.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he ran for the hills the instant you require commitment though...

  • Like 1
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

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Well Katzee, good for you if you are comfortable with this situation.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he ran for the hills the instant you require commitment though...

 

Just like I did when someone tried to get it from me. :p

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

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Just like I did when someone tried to get it from me. :p

 

well it looks like you know what you got into lol

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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Girls, lay off KatZee and stop bragging :D. She knows her situation. She'll do what she wants.

 

OP, I agree that dude is just not enough into you. When someone says they don't want a relationship, believe them and move on. Don't waste your time hanging around. If he loves you, he'll be back. If not, the sooner you move on the better. Don't contact him first. If he wants you, he'll eventually contact you. He can surely shoot you a text every now and then, despite his schedule. You could accept to see him less but be in contact daily or every other day. Otherwise, not good. All the best!

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