uhavegottobekiding Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Greetings, I've been reading the stories of trauma and pain and resilience here for a few weeks now. And I have to say, its helped me immensely. Though I really wish I had known about this page when DDay happened with me. I would have handled things very differently with my WS and I don't think I would have ended up quite as jacked up emotionally. One thing I wonder though, and I've read a lot of the posts and haven't really seen it addressed, is does where they meet up matter? To me, in our own home, the one I paid for, and on vacation with my air miles has turned into a can't forgive point. And if I had read here earlier I would have known about trickle truth and probably have avoided finding out about is 16 months after DDay. Any thoughts on this?
Bryanp Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I believe that when a cheating spouse has a sexual affair in the marital home is extremely significant. This has great symbolic value. It indicates that the cheating spouse is getting off humiliating the betrayed spouse in the worst possible way imaginable. It shows absolute scorn, disrespect and distain toward the betrayed spouse. This clearly must be a deal-breaker. It is an unforgivable act in my opinion. 6
Realist3 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I believe that when a cheating spouse has a sexual affair in the marital home is extremely significant. This has great symbolic value. It indicates that the cheating spouse is getting off humiliating the betrayed spouse in the worst possible way imaginable. It shows absolute scorn, disrespect and distain toward the betrayed spouse. This clearly must be a deal-breaker. It is an unforgivable act in my opinion. I agree with this. Two people can do whatever almost wherever. The home and the vacation seem to be exceedingly hurtful.
Author uhavegottobekiding Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 I'm with you on that. I wonder, why on earth someone let alone a supposed loved one would do that? And why in gods name would there affair partner do it? Do they get off on really giving it to the BS?
Coolit Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 During the A I Knew people took objection to certain places but to me that seemed splitting hairs. Having sex with someone not my husband was the betrayal. I also planned never to confess so...? But after, when I told H everything I was really glad to tell him we never did anything in my house. It was some comfort to my husband. I am also glad for myself now because I would be living with more triggers. And the memories make me ill.
whatatangledweb Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 It mattered to me . Your home is where you feel secure. To have them screwing in it would have defiled it for me. 6
Author uhavegottobekiding Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Coolit, The memories make you ill? I'm taking it that you were the one having the affair? If I can ask, did your affair partner agree with that limit of not in the home?
Bryanp Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I do think that they do indeed psychologically get off with the excitement of doing in the home behind the spouses back. It is a form of total humiliation that some feel get erotically aroused by it. The other affair partner knows that not only is he screwing the wife of a husband but he is doing it in the husband's home which shows total conquest and domination over him. On the other hand, the cheating wife (in your situation) seemingly gets a thrill screwing another man in your home and symbolically showing how unimportant you and your marriage is to her. It also indicates great anger by your wife. I think in a way it is similar to the way a dog will defecate in the home to show how upset it is. I think your wife was symbolically defecating on your marriage and you relationship by screwing another man in your home. 3
Author uhavegottobekiding Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) Hah! I think you nailed it. She pooped on the relationship. I would have hoped someone at some point would have explained to her not to do that where you live. But in regards to the affair partner I just don't understand how they could do that to another person, one they don't even know. It very well might be some weird sexual thrill, but it just seems so classless. Has anyone here ever experienced it? And if so, did you ever get to ask them? My BS's AP is non responsive to calls or email, so I have not had the satisfaction of an answer. Not that I would necessarily get an answer. Edited August 14, 2013 by uhavegottobekiding 1
road Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 For many BS recovery can not happen when the WS did the AP in their home. This has forced the WS and the BS to sell the house. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 it is the ULTIMATE act of revenge, anger and disrespect if the AP wants todo it in the marital bed. And I caution all who participate that this is NOT love. Rather, you are being USED to hurt the spouse or partner. BEWARE and be careful e here, because where there is great hurt and anger, there is STILL great love. So, usually, it is NOT about the spouse, but rather, the parent they are still most angry with for NOT loving them enough. And that unresolved childhood Drama is projected UNFAIRLY onto the spouse throughout the marriage and culminates with the WORST act of betrayal....defiling the home or marital bed with infidelity. THAT IS SOOOO MESSED UP. THe AP is being used as a tool, a means, to re enact those old childhood wounds against mommy or daddy. RUN if it is ever requested of you! 2
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Yes, it matters a great deal- there is something especially cruel about the act of invading your home and your safe space in that twisted way. Even the idea that neither of them gave it a second thought is excruciatingly disturbing. 4
Coolit Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Coolit, The memories make you ill? I'm taking it that you were the one having the affair? If I can ask, did your affair partner agree with that limit of not in the home? The memories make me ill because my behaviour was detestable. I remember in the height of it it was thrilling and seemed seperate from my marriage. My AP and I never really talked about what we were doing. We didn't have rules. We had a lot of oppurtunity but honestly we never used them. I think my AP would have enjoyed the disrespect thing. Looking back some things are more clear. And the fact he put down my husband post my confession tells me that he think he is better than my H. He is wrong of course. But whatever helps him sleep at night (he needs it, he is an insomniac) I let my AP finger me while my h slept on a bunk bed above while camping. I also had a threesome while my H was passed out drunk in the basement of AP's house. That is sickening. But I can honestly say that for me it wasn't about disrespecting my husband. It was about oppurtunity. So that would have been why I would have had sex anywhere.
road Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I let my AP finger me while my h slept on a bunk bed above while camping. I also had a threesome while my H was passed out drunk in the basement of AP's house. That is sickening. But I can honestly say that for me it wasn't about disrespecting my husband. It was about oppurtunity. So that would have been why I would have had sex anywhere. You call that not disrespecting your BH? Does your BH know about these times and what you did with the OM?
NotCamelot Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 it is the ULTIMATE act of revenge, anger and disrespect if the AP wants to do it in the marital bed. And I caution all who participate that this is NOT love. Rather, you are being USED to hurt the spouse or partner. BEWARE and be careful e here, because where there is great hurt and anger, there is STILL great love. RUN if it is ever requested of you! SO true.....!!!! My W found that out after her A ended. The OMs W was the one who told me that her H and my W did it in her bed (with her kids in the house). I think she was more pissed that it happened in "her" bed than anything. And, his W had been having her own A a few months prior to that. So, yes, whether is was a consious thought or subconsious thought, it was definitely the ultimate revenge move......his W was most devastated by that. And then, after weeks of ILYs, my W finally saw that she was indeed used. And, though I wish nothing had ever happened at all, I was glad that she felt used in the worst way......because she now despises loathes him.
aliveagain Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 First thing I did was throw out our very expensive bed, than I threw her out and redecorated the entire house, finally I got rid of the house. Everyone needs one place they can feel safe.
Author uhavegottobekiding Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Thank you for you comments. I feel the same way. It shook me to my core finding this stuff out and I'm glad I did. I'd hate to think I had wasted anymore time with someone that would do something like that with me. The whole thing with this is that it is not only disrespectful, not only frankly mean, its kind of, I don't know, grossly unhygienic? I don't know if that is too extreme but it just seems dirty to me. So I take it this sort of thing is fairly common in an affair? I had been kind of thinking I was about the only one.
NotCamelot Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I'm just glad it was his bed and not mine. I'd would have had to burn a very expensive Tempurpedic. But I would have.......preferrably with him in it :-)
Coolit Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 You call that not disrespecting your BH? Does your BH know about these times and what you did with the OM? I didn't say it wasn't disrespecting. My point was that I wasn't doing it because it was disrespecting. I was doing it despite. For some I am sure they get off on that side, but for me, it was actually something i knew but did my best not to think about. That doesn't make it less disrespectful or horrid but rather just what this WW did and thought during. My H knows everything. I told it all beginning to end.
waytogo Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I didn't say it wasn't disrespecting. My point was that I wasn't doing it because it was disrespecting. I was doing it despite. For some I am sure they get off on that side, but for me, it was actually something i knew but did my best not to think about. That doesn't make it less disrespectful or horrid but rather just what this WW did and thought during. My H knows everything. I told it all beginning to end. I believe that when a cheating spouse has a sexual affair in the marital home is extremely significant. This has great symbolic value. It indicates that the cheating spouse is getting off humiliating the betrayed spouse in the worst possible way imaginable. It shows absolute scorn, disrespect and distain toward the betrayed spouse. This clearly must be a deal-breaker. It is an unforgivable act in my opinion. Is that what that is about? When there was an opportunity and invitation there was no way I could do it (sorry, yes FOW). I can't explain how wrong it felt in addition to what felt wrong anyway. I asked about potential neighbors spotting to even go inside. He said I could duck down until in the garage. This chick don't quack It was a line I wouldn't cross. It was also one factor that brought me to realize what lines he would, make excuses but stay anyway. I didn't fully understand how awful it was he would have taken me there. Just so glad I didn't go!
Author uhavegottobekiding Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Well, this is kind of enlightening. So it is, possibly, a rage thing, or anger thing, that is being done? That maybe deep down they are actually trying to be that harmful and using the AP to do that? Does the AP ever suggest it as a way to do it to the spouse? Near as I can tell, my WS suggested it. While there, supposedly is was the AP who suggested it, they took a few photos. It was something like 16 months after DDay that I found the photos and figured out they were in my actual home. I'm kind of wondering if maybe he suggested it to force something. Hmm.
Coolit Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Is that what that is about? When there was an opportunity and invitation there was no way I could do it (sorry, yes FOW). I can't explain how wrong it felt in addition to what felt wrong anyway. I asked about potential neighbors spotting to even go inside. He said I could duck down until in the garage. This chick don't quack It was a line I wouldn't cross. It was also one factor that brought me to realize what lines he would, make excuses but stay anyway. I didn't fully understand how awful it was he would have taken me there. Just so glad I didn't go! My post was not about doing it in our home. I never did anything with xMM in my home or any of my property. But if we had for me it would have been about oppurtunity. But if it had came down to it I don't know how I would have felt about using my bed as that situation never arose.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 The first time my WW and her OM had sex was in our house. As far as I know they only had sex in our house and at his house. I asked her if they did it in our bedroom, and she answered "No" as if she wouldn't dare cross that line. I don't get it. Having sex in the master bedroom is taboo, but having sex on the couch (or where ever else in the house) is not taboo. It's like the WS saying "Having sex in our bed is a line that I won't cross, but having sex with another man on the living room floor is a line that I will cross." My response is "gee, thanks". The "Where" pales in comparison to the primary fact that it happened at all. It's a blow to the alpha-male ego that another man came over to my house, and fcked my wife, on my couch. A-hole probably drank my beer, too. The OM is lucky that he lives 700 miles away. He wouldn't want to cross my path even after all of these years.
road Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 The first time my WW and her OM had sex was in our house. As far as I know they only had sex in our house and at his house. I asked her if they did it in our bedroom, and she answered "No" as if she wouldn't dare cross that line. I don't get it. Having sex in the master bedroom is taboo, but having sex on the couch (or where ever else in the house) is not taboo. It's like the WS saying "Having sex in our bed is a line that I won't cross, but having sex with another man on the living room floor is a line that I will cross." My response is "gee, thanks". The "Where" pales in comparison to the primary fact that it happened at all. It's a blow to the alpha-male ego that another man came over to my house, and fcked my wife, on my couch. A-hole probably drank my beer, too. The OM is lucky that he lives 700 miles away. He wouldn't want to cross my path even after all of these years. Everyone has a line that they will not in everything. Even Hector Hannibal Would not eat agent Staring. The line that a WS will not cross is done based on their own feelings, code of ethics. It makes sense to them. They justify things to themselves.
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