Silly_Girl Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 I'm not sure abuse of children really fits in to the discussion, to my mind. We'd all agree that's wrong, regardless of the circumstances. 3
xxoo Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 It depends on your experience. In your experience, it was a very positive thing. In your case, you witnessed a happy, mutually satisfying marriage, and your parents acted as role models for what you want in a future marriage yourself. But there are also so many cases where a parent chooses their spouse over their children, when their spouse is severely damaged (abusive, alcoholic, neglectful, etc.) and that is when it goes too far, and the children should come first. Yes, the need to protect the children comes first. It isn't exactly the same thing as who you love most, but rather who you feel responsibility toward most. I would lay down my life for my children. I would leave the love of my life for my children, if necessary to protect them. But I'm in love with their father. This is only a good thing for our kids. 4
janedoe67 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Tragic Here is a man who had to make a horrible choice in a snap, and he chose to save the closest person rather than risk losing them both. In the end, he saved the love of his lofe but lost a child. Shame on anyone who piles on top of his pain by judging him. My observations as a woman: the mothers I know who are "proud" of the fact that they love their kids more than their hubbies are not the kinds of women I would ever want my son to marry. Just sayin' 4
Author saveamale Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 It depends on your experience. In your experience, it was a very positive thing. In your case, you witnessed a happy, mutually satisfying marriage, and your parents acted as role models for what you want in a future marriage yourself. But there are also so many cases where a parent chooses their spouse over their children, when their spouse is severely damaged (abusive, alcoholic, neglectful, etc.) and that is when it goes too far, and the children should come first. I agree. These cases should be excluded from what "making marriage a priority actually means" though. 3
Author saveamale Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 (edited) Tragic Here is a man who had to make a horrible choice in a snap, and he chose to save the closest person rather than risk losing them both. In the end, he saved the love of his lofe but lost a child. Shame on anyone who piles on top of his pain by judging him. My observations as a woman: the mothers I know who are "proud" of the fact that they love their kids more than their hubbies are not the kinds of women I would ever want my son to marry. Just sayin' A road to lonely existence when their kids leave them.. lol Edited August 15, 2013 by saveamale 1
Author saveamale Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Understand I am coming from a grown up conservative Baptist perspective. First, I agree that the loves are very different and cannot compete, really, because of an apples and oranges difference. Growing up, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me fiercely. My siblings and I were very important. However, they DID make it a priority to nurture their marriage. Dates, exchanges with a couple of other couples where we might stay with a couple for a night and then their kids might spend the night with us sometime. They never turned in their labels as "husband" and "wife" in order to be parents. I believe that is how it should be. Yes, being a parents is an extremely big responsibility, and I cannot imagine not having my kids; I love them so much. But I did NOT stop being a spouse when I had them, and I think couples who put the "spouse" ID on hold once babies arrive do their marriage a huge disservice. I agree with everything you said. Your parents seems like my parents.
dichotomy Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Apples and oranges. My love for my children is about as unconditional as you can get. My love for my wife is not. My love for my wife wife means my attention to her needs/preferences - and my focus for her - should come first (within reason - not harming children). Example - among my daughters I have made it clear mom is alpha female –stop trying to test this out with me (what is it with little girls and popularity or queen bee games?)
M30USA Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Tragic Here is a man who had to make a horrible choice in a snap, and he chose to save the closest person rather than risk losing them both. In the end, he saved the love of his lofe but lost a child. Shame on anyone who piles on top of his pain by judging him. My observations as a woman: the mothers I know who are "proud" of the fact that they love their kids more than their hubbies are not the kinds of women I would ever want my son to marry. Just sayin' Oftentimes parents realize the error of their ways/views once they have children. For example, mothers who believe that children should be with their moms after divorce suddenly eat their words when their own son gets divorced.
Clockwork Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 My wife over my son. Look, you love both unconditionally. But you are sexually attracted to just one of them. That one wins.
janedoe67 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Oftentimes parents realize the error of their ways/views once they have children. For example, mothers who believe that children should be with their moms after divorce suddenly eat their words when their own son gets divorced. It is amazing to me sometimes how actually HAVING kids helped shaped my views about raising them lol. Of course, all these years later sometimes I think of mine and think, "I can't believe I got to HAVE them! How cool is THAT!"
pink_sugar Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Do you think this way too if the children are now adults? Well I mean it in a context to where you disown your child just because you don't want to leave your spouse or set down ground rules. My husband's mother was never really there for him and always (even when he was a kid) made it clear she cared more about her husband than him. Her husband always had a weird issue with the fact that she had a son and treated him horribly. But she always stood up for her H and in her eyes he was always right and did no wrong. That's what I mean when I say your new spouse shouldn't come before your kids.
janedoe67 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Well I mean it in a context to where you disown your child just because you don't want to leave your spouse or set down ground rules. My husband's mother was never really there for him and always (even when he was a kid) made it clear she cared more about her husband than him. Her husband always had a weird issue with the fact that she had a son and treated him horribly. But she always stood up for her H and in her eyes he was always right and did no wrong. That's what I mean when I say your new spouse shouldn't come before your kids. This has nothing to do with loving one or the other more; this has to do with abuse. Again, apples and oranges.
Author saveamale Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 What a trippy thing to hear; she most definitely could have and should have kept that little nugget to herself. I don't know if I could deal with something like today, even as an adult but espeically not as a kid. I know I felt those might have been her thoughts to a point growing up but she never said it and I certainly don't feel that way now. However that feeling you felt is sort of what a lot of people fail to realize when it comes to these "who should you love more?" discussions. A mother's love is supposed to be fierce, protective and unlike any other love in the universe, hell parental love is supposed to be earth-shattering before they even lay eyes on you so to hear something like that is a bit...unsettling IMO. I don't like to talk about hypothetical lol. I don't find it weird though. Most people just assume what would they do in such situations.
Author saveamale Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 Do you guys think people get closer to their spouse than their kids when their kids leave the nest to start their own lives and families and they are left with their spouse alone ?
janedoe67 Posted August 16, 2013 Posted August 16, 2013 Do you guys think people get closer to their spouse than their kids when their kids leave the nest to start their own lives and families and they are left with their spouse alone ? If they have nurtured their marriage all along, probably. If they put being spouses on hold for twenty some-odd years....doubtful 3
Author saveamale Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 If they have nurtured their marriage all along, probably. If they put being spouses on hold for twenty some-odd years....doubtful I agree. But that is not the case anymore these days. So many couples fall apart when kids leave. We call it "empty nest syndrome " , right ?
xxoo Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I agree. But that is not the case anymore these days. So many couples fall apart when kids leave. We call it "empty nest syndrome " , right ? As much as we adore our children, and are relishing their childhood, we are looking forward to our empty nest But couples can not neglect each other and their marriage and expect a strong partnership after the kids have flown the coop. In our experience, babies and young children demand a lot from mom and dad, but that's a relatively short phase. Meet those needs, and recognize when they've outgrown them. The parents of school aged children should have lots of opportunity to spend one-on-one time together, have sex, etc, without neglecting the kids' needs. At that point, the kids are beginning to branch out and have interests outside of demanding mom and dad's attention. 2
Author saveamale Posted August 17, 2013 Author Posted August 17, 2013 As much as we adore our children, and are relishing their childhood, we are looking forward to our empty nest But couples can not neglect each other and their marriage and expect a strong partnership after the kids have flown the coop. In our experience, babies and young children demand a lot from mom and dad, but that's a relatively short phase. Meet those needs, and recognize when they've outgrown them. The parents of school aged children should have lots of opportunity to spend one-on-one time together, have sex, etc, without neglecting the kids' needs. At that point, the kids are beginning to branch out and have interests outside of demanding mom and dad's attention. That's cool. Its obvious that you are NOT going to be one "mother in law from hell " or "overbearing MIL : .LOL:p 1
tbf Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I love them all in different ways. But my approach is pragmatic in nature. Adults are capable of surviving on their own where children are fully dependent on their parents. That's why I married my husband. He's an independent adult who isn't needy or clingy, focused on the well-being of his entire family, including himself where the reverse also holds true.
Eve Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Nah, it is a different type of love. The level of care needed when children are small makes them a natural priortity but I don't think it is healthy to categorically put children before ones spouse. In our experience, after a certain age the parental role shifts more towards busting their devious plans. Not to mention that they can go through a phase of not even liking you as they move towards naturally managing their own lives. We love them all dearly but must say that it is better now they have all left home, lol. After surviving four of them (and all their friends) we cannot believe how cheap and wonderfully easy it is to live as a couple. Take care, Eve x
Cococbel Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Definitely a different love. My husband is a lot more work, and I value our relationship just as much as the relationship I have with each our children It does tend to be easier to love my kids I think, because I housed them :-) but I have known my husband longer. :-) I don't know, it's just different.
cocorico Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Do you love your spouse more or kids more My spouse. 1
Stillgrowing Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Kids. Hands down. I'd expect my husband to answer the same.
OpenBook Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Why is it necessary to define this? Why can't we just love them both - period, end of story?
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