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Do you love your spouse more or kids more

saveamale

By saveamale
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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It's a different love. I love my children enormously, but increasingly at arm's length. I can't hold them forever. They need to stretch their wings and fly; that's the goal.

 

My spouse is my partner. I hold him forever. He's the one I chose, and he is the one that chose me.

 

Over a lifetime, the great love of my life is my husband, not my children. They are destined to be the great love of someone else's life.

 

Thanks for the answer. It really do make sense. :cool:

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knitwit Established Member

knitwit

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I don't love one more than the other. I love my husband; I love my son; I love us all as a Family.

 

I am, however, much more protective of our son, who is only 2.

 

If woke up at night because our smoke alarms were going off, for instance, I would give my husband a hard shake awake and then I would run to save our son. I'd come back on our way out of the house to give my DH another hard shake if he wasn't awake yet, but I would do everything in my power to get our son out of there safely, ahead of my DH. Of the 3 of us, our son would be my priority.

 

Also, I would leave my husband if I was afraid for our son's well-being. Before we got married, we discussed our deal-breakers. My DH knows that I would leave if he were ever to fall into active addiction. I might not divorce (right away, anyway), but I would take my son and I would get us both out of that environment. My ex-fiance and his ex-wife both were active addicts (my ex eventually died from it) so DH understands where I am coming from and didn't disagree. I would not keep my son in a dangerous, unstable situation. I would expect my DH to take my son and find a safe place if I fell into active addiction as well.

 

However, outside of those extreme situations, the well-being of my family is my top priority. My DH and my son aren't in competition. Me and DH are the foundation.

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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I don't love one more than the other. I love my husband; I love my son; I love us all as a Family.

 

I am, however, much more protective of our son, who is only 2.

 

If woke up at night because our smoke alarms were going off, for instance, I would give my husband a hard shake awake and then I would run to save our son. I'd come back on our way out of the house to give my DH another hard shake if he wasn't awake yet, but I would do everything in my power to get our son out of there safely, ahead of my DH. Of the 3 of us, our son would be my priority.

 

Also, I would leave my husband if I was afraid for our son's well-being. Before we got married, we discussed our deal-breakers. My DH knows that I would leave if he were ever to fall into active addiction. I might not divorce (right away, anyway), but I would take my son and I would get us both out of that environment. My ex-fiance and his ex-wife both were active addicts (my ex eventually died from it) so DH understands where I am coming from and didn't disagree. I would not keep my son in a dangerous, unstable situation. I would expect my DH to take my son and find a safe place if I fell into active addiction as well.

 

However, outside of those extreme situations, the well-being of my family is my top priority. My DH and my son aren't in competition. Me and DH are the foundation.

 

I think it make sense to carry your kids first as they can't save themselves lol

I would pick my dog first over parents lol. These hypothetical are fun

 

Good thoughtful answer though.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I have never been in love ever. So i don't how how romantic love feels like but i want it to be unconditional (the way i described in my previous post) . Ofcourse, you may divorce if your spouse cheat on you but would the love fade ?

No idea.

This whole love thing is complicated and hard to understand. :laugh:

 

...i was friends for years with my ex before we dated...i fell in love not lust......so the love that was before we got together ...is what remains..when i look into my three girls who all have chocolate brown eyes....i feel the love i have for him...it is in their reflections of the love we had that i see......the love i have for them is tied to the love we shared to create three beautiful girls........a lot of my love is in family...and i tried to keep that love united......i was unable to steer that ship by myself........

 

 

 

ill always love him for he gave me my hearts...three hearts to cherish, to have in this life and the next...how could i not love him....but i deserve to be loved how i give love....and he was unable to be that guy.......i havent seen him since we split........we talk on the phone and we are united in the sense we want the same things.....we want our daughters to have happy lives....devoid of warring parents but parents who care enough to get over what was....and deal in what is now...i am not sure if love fades.......i think it just morphs into another kind of love and is redirected(maybe by divine intervention who knows) out of necessity...

 

 

 

people can die from a broken heart and that is fact...one of my grandfather's did(he died twelve months aftert my grandmother died to the day) so i feel if love doesnt change......you cant live forever or for long with a broken heart....healing is paramount...deb

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

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Did your dad not show you he loved you too?

 

The thing about having kids is this... when you get married, your spouse has your heart. When you have children, your child doesn't take up some of the existing space, leaving less for your spouse. Your heart GROWS and there is twice as much love.

 

If this is true, then how come so many people forget about their marriages once they become parents? I see this happen all the time.

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pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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I've known people who love their spouse more than their kids...it's disgusting.

 

Most people love their kids and spouse equally, despite being different kinds of love....but your kids should always come first. If you are re-married and put your spouse before your kids, you shouldn't have them.

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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If this is true, then how come so many people forget about their marriages once they become parents? I see this happen all the time.

I think there is a difference between paying attention and loving someone.

But i do agree with you. These are the same people who generally have nothing in common when kids leave because they made their lives all about kids.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Now? My kid. Without a shadow of a doubt. I am very much in love with my husband, but my son so far *is* the great love of my life. We work well together, can read each other in a crowd very well, are intuitive as to how each other is feeling, and although we clash at times we each will do anything if the other is down/ill/being treated unfairly. We've been a close unit, the 2 of us, for nearly 17 years, irrespective of my marital status i.e. even before I split from his dad, my son and I had a very close relationship, much more so than they had, despite me working the longer hours.

 

Things are going to move on though, for both he and I. I don't know what my answer will be in 5 or 10 or 20 years time.

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KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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I don't measure or compare it. The two are different kinds of love. My love for my kids is unconditional love and will always be there. My love for my husband is reliant on how he treats me. Some things I wouldn't tolerate, such as infidelity, so he knows he needs to behave himself to keep that love alive and well. I think love comes and goes in a marriage at times and people can fall out of love if a spouse is neglecting or abusing their spouse, but they can recapture the love they had if they make the effort to reconnect with their spouse. So love for a spouse is a conditional kind of love that can come and go at times during a marriage. The love for a child is unconditional.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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At this point? I'm almost sad to say my children, because I believe it should be my wife.

Interesting. I don't have children but I've always thought if I did I would love them more than their father.

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Interesting. I don't have children but I've always thought if I did I would love them more than their father.

 

My mum always said 'kids' yet my dad clearly loved her more than us. That was interesting to watch at times.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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My mum always said 'kids' yet my dad clearly loved her more than us. That was interesting to watch at times.

Did that hurt you?

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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...i was friends for years with my ex before we dated...i fell in love not lust......so the love that was before we got together ...is what remains..when i look into my three girls who all have chocolate brown eyes....i feel the love i have for him...it is in their reflections of the love we had that i see......the love i have for them is tied to the love we shared to create three beautiful girls........a lot of my love is in family...and i tried to keep that love united......i was unable to steer that ship by myself........

 

 

 

ill always love him for he gave me my hearts...three hearts to cherish, to have in this life and the next...how could i not love him....but i deserve to be loved how i give love....and he was unable to be that guy.......i havent seen him since we split........we talk on the phone and we are united in the sense we want the same things.....we want our daughters to have happy lives....devoid of warring parents but parents who care enough to get over what was....and deal in what is now...i am not sure if love fades.......i think it just morphs into another kind of love and is redirected(maybe by divine intervention who knows) out of necessity...

 

 

 

people can die from a broken heart and that is fact...one of my grandfather's did(he died twelve months aftert my grandmother died to the day) so i feel if love doesnt change......you cant live forever or for long with a broken heart....healing is paramount...deb

 

My grandmom didn't survive two days without my grandpa (they were married for 70 years ). It was heartbreaking.

I agree with everything you said. :bunny:

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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Interesting. I don't have children but I've always thought if I did I would love them more than their father.

 

I think it goes to the fact that spouses are supposed to live with each other forever while kids leave. :)

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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I've known people who love their spouse more than their kids...it's disgusting.

 

Most people love their kids and spouse equally, despite being different kinds of love....but your kids should always come first. If you are re-married and put your spouse before your kids, you shouldn't have them.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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I've known people who love their spouse more than their kids...it's disgusting.

 

Most people love their kids and spouse equally, despite being different kinds of love....but your kids should always come first. If you are re-married and put your spouse before your kids, you shouldn't have them.

 

 

:eek: Do you think this way too if the children are now adults?

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Did that hurt you?

 

I don't think it did, but I think that was because a) it was no surprise, it was obvious (and not in a nasty way, he's a good man but just not 'dad' material) and b) I knew/could feel how much mum really needed us kids. Not even in a healthy way, but she relied on me emotionally when I was young so I felt very, well, important I guess. That definitely offset anything with regards my dad.

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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I've known people who love their spouse more than their kids...it's disgusting.

 

Most people love their kids and spouse equally, despite being different kinds of love....but your kids should always come first. If you are re-married and put your spouse before your kids, you shouldn't have them.

 

I don't find it 'disgusting'. Many couples believe they *should* be each other's primary love focus. That doesn't make them bad parents. In fact I think it's a very healthy approach to have. I imagine children being generally happier in a household where mum and dad are happy, romantic, loving.

 

Have I misinterpreted your post, PS?

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GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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Basically, it would be akin to feeling that if your house were on fire, your mom would trample you in the doorway to save your dad (or vice versa).

 

Not to get maudlin, but when I was a kid my mom, unsolicited as far as I can remember, told me that if my dad and I were both drowning, she would save my dad. Tried to keep a stiff upper lip about it, tried to wrap my head around it, and finally concluded that she could have easily kept that tidbit to herself.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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If this is true, then how come so many people forget about their marriages once they become parents? I see this happen all the time.

 

Because having a child is a lot of work and for a time at least, you don't have the amount of energy to put into your romantic relationship.

 

That doesn't mean the love diminished though. Hearts can grow double-sized, but unfortunately the hours in the day and the amount of physical energy someone has can't. Both partners have to understand that the marriage will change with children.

 

Also, having a child adds a huge amount of opportunity for disagreement. It magnifies issues that may have been minimized before - it is easy to disagree with someone when their decisions only affect them, but not so easy when their decisions affect your child.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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Not to get maudlin, but when I was a kid my mom, unsolicited as far as I can remember, told me that if my dad and I were both drowning, she would save my dad. Tried to keep a stiff upper lip about it, tried to wrap my head around it, and finally concluded that she could have easily kept that tidbit to herself.

 

Wow. Yeah, could have kept that to herself.

 

In the same situation, I would run to my child without a doubt. My husband is a grown man and has a lot better chance of saving himself. Not to mention, if I tried to save him, I'd just drown us both because he is much bigger than me.

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janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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Understand I am coming from a grown up conservative Baptist perspective.

 

First, I agree that the loves are very different and cannot compete, really, because of an apples and oranges difference.

 

Growing up, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me fiercely. My siblings and I were very important. However, they DID make it a priority to nurture their marriage. Dates, exchanges with a couple of other couples where we might stay with a couple for a night and then their kids might spend the night with us sometime. They never turned in their labels as "husband" and "wife" in order to be parents.

 

I believe that is how it should be. Yes, being a parents is an extremely big responsibility, and I cannot imagine not having my kids; I love them so much. But I did NOT stop being a spouse when I had them, and I think couples who put the "spouse" ID on hold once babies arrive do their marriage a huge disservice.

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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I've known people who love their spouse more than their kids...it's disgusting.

 

Most people love their kids and spouse equally, despite being different kinds of love....but your kids should always come first. If you are re-married and put your spouse before your kids, you shouldn't have them.

 

Disgusting ?

 

I don't think so. I don't find my parents disgusting just because i believe they love each other more than anyone.:D

And correct me if i am wrong , don't relationship counselors suggest to put the marriage first over anyone ? And maybe Bible too ? :rolleyes:

Its one thing to ignore your kids like they don't matter and other to nurture your marriage without neglecting your kids.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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Disgusting ?

 

I don't think so. I don't find my parents disgusting just because i believe they love each other more than anyone.:D

And correct me if i am wrong , don't relationship counselors suggest to put the marriage first over anyone ? And maybe Bible too ? :rolleyes:

Its one thing to ignore your kids like they don't matter and other to nurture your marriage without neglecting your kids.

 

It depends on your experience. In your experience, it was a very positive thing. In your case, you witnessed a happy, mutually satisfying marriage, and your parents acted as role models for what you want in a future marriage yourself.

 

But there are also so many cases where a parent chooses their spouse over their children, when their spouse is severely damaged (abusive, alcoholic, neglectful, etc.) and that is when it goes too far, and the children should come first.

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saveamale Member

saveamale

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Wow. Yeah, could have kept that to herself.

 

In the same situation, I would run to my child without a doubt. My husband is a grown man and has a lot better chance of saving himself. Not to mention, if I tried to save him, I'd just drown us both because he is much bigger than me.

 

If we are speaking about such hypotheticals then there was a situation in which a father was forced to choose between his wife and teenage son:sick:

 

Dad Abandons Drowning Son To Save Wife

Dad Abandons Drowning Son To Save Wife

 

He saved his wife. :confused:

These situations are horrible and you don't know what you would do until you face such situations.

 

He choose his wife because she was near to him while his son was too far. Horrible situation though. It made a lot of controversy

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