pra09chm Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I have a male friend, and our "friendship" is one of the weirdest ones I've ever had and I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way or if it's even normal. From the moment I met him I felt a bit conflicted about him. On one hand I really liked him, I loved his sense of humour and I really liked spending time with him. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him or not but I always knew that if we had sex it would be amazing - I don't know how to explain it because it's not like we sat down and discussed our preferences, but I just had a gut instinct and it made me feel a bit weird around him. At the time I was in a relationship so wasn't about to act on anything. However I get REALLY drunk one night and we ended up sharing a drunk kiss. I was so ashamed of myself. I admitted to my partner what happened but to this day I can barely admit to myself that I felt something for my friend (I loved my boyfriend so I couldn't understand why I had these feelings for someone else). I ended up distancing myself from him for a year, refusing to speak to him, taking out my guilt on him essentially - looking back I really was quite horrible to him. When I broke up with my ex, he turned up out of the blue. He can be quite full on by nature and he immediately tried it on - problem is I tend to feel like i'm being backed into a corner when guys are like this. Then to complicate matters we kissed. It was pretty amazing but again, I felt consumed by guilt, I was still in love with my ex etc. and to make matters worse, he had a girlfriend at the time. I was fuming with him again, refused to speak to or even acknowledge him. He came to me and tried to explain he had ended things with his girlfriend but I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I should also mention he's a bit of a womaniser and sleeps with a lot of girls, which made me doubt his intentions. about nine months after this, I was moving on from my ex and he started trying to rebuild our friendship. I started to see him in a different light and became friends again. I bumped into him on a night out and we ended up sleeping together. I haven't been with many guys to compare but it really was amazing I had to move home for a while and we talked initially at first but fell out of touch for a while. We were on good terms though. We both started seeing other people and I didn't think about him for ages. So recently I've been making plans to move back, and we've started chatting again. He's made it pretty clear he wants me to be his girlfriend. Problem is, I freak out a bit at the thought of being someone's girlfriend (I'm not sure if it's because I have commitment issues, because my breakup was quite messy or because we have a complicated friendship), and I feel confused about my feelings towards him - the guilt still lingers a bit even though the kiss happened almost three years ago. Is it weird to feel this way about a friend?? Am I getting my feelings of fondness for him confused with something more? Can you have amazing sex with someone you see as just a friend? Does anyone think I'm a horrible person for entertaining the idea of going out with someone I cheated on a previous partner with?
pteromom Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Is it weird to feel this way about a friend?? Not really. You are more than friends since you have slept together and have a very complicated history. Am I getting my feelings of fondness for him confused with something more? Maybe. Only you can answer that. Can you have amazing sex with someone you see as just a friend? Yes. You can even have amazing sex with someone you actively dislike. Does anyone think I'm a horrible person for entertaining the idea of going out with someone I cheated on a previous partner with? No. Here's my concern... you say he's been a player and he kissed you while he was with his girlfriend. I assume you've matured and learned from your cheating episode, but we don't know if he has. You probably want to date a bit before agreeing to be his girlfriend. If you proceed, proceed with caution. Wade in slowly - don't jump in with your whole heart. You need to see if he can earn it or not. Just because he's a good friend, and just because he is good in bed, doesn't mean he's the one for you. 2
Author pra09chm Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Thanks for your advice! Yeah he has been a bit of a player, but when he's had girlfriends he's never actually cheated on them apart from the incident with me. And even then he came to me right afterwards and tried to explain himself - it wasn't something he was proud of. Maybe I sound niave but I trust him completely. He's got his faults but he's always been honest with me. It wouldn't cross my mind at all that he'd cheat on me.. and I'm not a trusting person by nature!
todreaminblue Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 when you have a messy break up it colors future thoughts abtou men...that's just fact....we all have fear and when you have been burned doesn't it make sense that you balk when you go to put your hand on the hotplate...cooks burn themselves all the time....i have the scars to prove it...doesnt stop me cooking and adding more burns and it doesnt stop em experimenting with high heat(flash cooking causing the pan to fire up..... wheee....fun)...i am more careful though.....anyway i am tangenting...back ...... you should be cautious....what you did in the past what he did in the past...is....the past.....as pteromom said.....date for a while......get to know him for real...without ties and titles at first...go with your heart....but hold that heart of yours in check.....happy cookin.....lots of heat:D...deb 1
pteromom Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Thanks for your advice! Yeah he has been a bit of a player, but when he's had girlfriends he's never actually cheated on them apart from the incident with me. And even then he came to me right afterwards and tried to explain himself - it wasn't something he was proud of. Maybe I sound niave but I trust him completely. He's got his faults but he's always been honest with me. It wouldn't cross my mind at all that he'd cheat on me.. and I'm not a trusting person by nature! You know him better than we do. I just went by what you posted. What would you regret more... - If you dated him, it didn't work out, and you lost him as a boyfriend AND as a friend? - If you passed the opportunity by and never found out whether it would have worked or not? If it was me, I would go for it. Better to love and lose than never to have loved at all, and all that. 1
white Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Better to love and lose than never to have loved at all No it isn't. Nope.
RogerWallace111 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) If you date, you won't ever be able to fully trust him, nor him you. It's unfortunate but true. And I say this as someone who has had some slip-ups myself; not persecuting either of you. It's really not even a matter of future cheating taking place. Even if you guys got together with the very best intentions, both thinking "I'll never cheat on him/her", and didn't, the trust factor is nada out the gates. People can be good at trying to accept & look past these sort of things, but very few can really do it. A good friend of mine is almost 2 years into a relationship that started with him and his now lady cheating on their respective ex's. It gets tumultuous. He'll feel great about things for a few months, then some little issue will arise and they'll go through a dark period of doubting the whole foundation and obsessing about eachother's pasts, etc. Then they'll have some big resolution talk & regain their footing for a spell before the cycle starts back over. Edited August 14, 2013 by RogerWallace111
Author pra09chm Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Do you think it makes a difference though, if you've accepted someone's past prior? For example, He sleeps around a lot. He's told me this, I've seen him flirt with girls etc. He's open about it, but he's also admitted to me he's not proud of his "number" and that he just finds it hard to get attached to girls - he had a bad break up a few years ago. I don't even hate the fact he's racked up a high number, it's just the way he is. While at times I feel a bit jealous, I don't resent him for it at all. As for the other way round, when my ex and I broke up, we tried to be friends (I was a bit naive) and we were sleeping together occasionally. My friend in question is one of the few people I felt I could tell this to without feeling judged. I don't know if you think this would make a difference.... but I get the feeling it's not the same situation as you and your friend? I broke off all contact with him for a year after the kiss, and the girlfriend he had the time, that relationship was pretty much over when it happened. Maybe i'm being nave though??
PlumPrincess Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Yes. You can even have amazing sex with someone you actively dislike. Seriously?! How?? 1
Babolat Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Lots going on here, almost cheating, kissing while drunk, back and forth, breaks ups, still in love with this/that person...my advice...take a break, walk away from it all.
Author pra09chm Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 this has happened over the space of three years though haha, things have calmed down a bit now!
pteromom Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Seriously?! How?? You can not like who someone is, hate the choices they are making in their life, and disagree with all of their values, and still be incredibly sexually/physically attracted to them. Sometimes, the disgust you feel toward them actually fuels the passion. 1
jphcbpa Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Do you think it makes a difference though, if you've accepted someone's past prior? For example, He sleeps around a lot. He's told me this, I've seen him flirt with girls etc. He's open about it, but he's also admitted to me he's not proud of his "number" and that he just finds it hard to get attached to girls - he had a bad break up a few years ago. I don't even hate the fact he's racked up a high number, it's just the way he is. While at times I feel a bit jealous, I don't resent him for it at all. As for the other way round, when my ex and I broke up, we tried to be friends (I was a bit naive) and we were sleeping together occasionally. My friend in question is one of the few people I felt I could tell this to without feeling judged. I don't know if you think this would make a difference.... but I get the feeling it's not the same situation as you and your friend? I broke off all contact with him for a year after the kiss, and the girlfriend he had the time, that relationship was pretty much over when it happened. Maybe i'm being nave though?? very naive imo. lots of red flags and potential pain in the future.
Author pra09chm Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 very naive imo. lots of red flags and potential pain in the future. What makes you think that? Not being aggressive just genuinely curious what gives you that impression/what you can see that I don't? It hadn't even occurred to me we'd potentially have trust issues, we never have so far!
RogerWallace111 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 If you guys would really be fine in the trust department, go for it. There are exceptions to every rule. And yeah, the anecdote I presented is different than yours in several ways. I've just never seen that sort of thing play out well among those I know, from the male side at least. To the extent that even the most easy-going, confident guys who insist they're fine with a girls history of infidelity end up having it somewhere on the back of their mind through what might in all other aspects be a great relationship. Especially once they reach a comfortable, complacent, post-honeymoon state where their girlfriend doesn't act as enthusiastically head-over-heels about them. But, like I said, you can't make accurate broad generalizations about anything. Your friend, with his past, and your post-kiss conduct with him, may fully trust you and not bat an eye. Especially since you already have this solid foundation as very open friends. So, I'd say go for it and see what happens. He doesn't sound like the type you'd lose as a friend should things not work out romantically. As long as you could handle it. 1
Woop1337 Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Just to answer the title of the post. Yes it's weird to like someone, and to not want to be with them. You know why it's weird? Because its a contradiction. How can you like someone and NOT want to be with them? Maybe you only "kinda" like him. I'm not saying you don't like him, but c'mon. Anyway, too much has happened these 3 years with the man. I say move on, your going to hurt your back carrying all that baggage.
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