I kept pushing him away, we broke it off, I want him back..him-not so much.

[ndt]

I got out of a 3-year relationship back in November 2012. I did everything I could to keep this guy, but no such luck.He said he fell out of love with me and wanted nothing to do with me. I eventually moved back home, 2 hours south of LA to sunny San Diego. I was the usual depressed mess, but I expected it and spent many days lounging in sweatpants, tear stained shirts, and under the covers.

 

My friend suggested I seek out a distraction, or 'crush'. It didn't hurt to try it out, so I did just that, landed a profile on OKCupid, went on many dates, met lots of weirdos and lots of cool guys, but one guy stood out in particular.

 

R. was everything I didn't look for in a guy but still managed to fall completely "in-like" with in a short amount of time. He was my age, liked the exact same stuff I did, and didn't have an extensive college education. However, I still had these strong feelings for and whatnot. We started talking in January of 2013 and I found out he lived in LA, slightly long-distance, but nothing crazy. He eventually started telling me he liked me and whatnot and I was stoked because I liked him and i HADN'T thought about the ex once since meeting him. He did still play these games because he felt our distance and slight jealousy issues weren't going to work out...I tried cutting off all contact with him, and he eventually crept his way back into my life and we started dating in April 2013.

 

A week before we started dating, my ex came back into the picture, confessing that he had made a mistake and wanted me back and all this ****. I was shocked at first, because of my distraught state and the depression I had fallen into, the one who broke my heart was trying to come back?! I eventually came to my wits that it was a bad idea and I'd rather see what R. had to offer because he hadn't completely ripped out and stomped all over my heart.

 

Well during R's and I relationship, I feel like I kept pushing him away. I was moody, negative, and he said I felt 'needy'. I mean I know I was pushing him away, because I couldn;t help but to wonder if I was making a mistake. Pushing someone away seemed so much easier than breaking it off...

 

Several days ago, R. and I came to an agreement that we would no longer date. The morning after, I texted him because I realized I was making a mistake, but he said I had to work on myself and be happy and that "if you're not happy with yourself, you can't expect a relationship to make you happy" and that's very true...He also said he couldn't handle the stress of being with anyone and we should try and be friends (ugh) before we try and date again. This guy isn't one to sugarcoat so I feel that if he really didn't want to talk,he would've told me to **** off. He also claims that he's there for me if I ever need him...but I feel that if he really deeply cared, he maybe would've stayed.

 

Also, the original ex is a pig. I KNOW I won't wonder about him anymore.I just want R. back.