MontOS Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 To fully explain my thoughts and feelings I will start from the beginning [sorry if it makes it long, but in writing this i think i will also benefit in unraveling our story- and thank you to those who do read it in its entirety] My husband and I have been married for 2.5 months. and I'm not entirely sure that I want to be with him anymore. We started dating about 5 years ago, our relationship was good. Because I was under 21 we didn't go out to the bars or do any of those things, I was content with staying home every night and watching movies with him. Any time with my girlfriends was pretty non existent except for the rare birthday lunch get together. But I was happy with how our life was, albeit we had our fights, he didn't like my family and his family didn't like me. He disapproved on how I spent my money but I couldn't imagine life without him. We lived together for about 2 years, but he joined the military and began training on the east coast and after many many months he broke up with me in Dec 2011. We got back together a month later and did the long distance thing again for a few months seeing each other twice in a period of 4 months. During this time he got to choose where he'd be stationed, he chose to be stationed in Hawaii and had not included me in his choice. In Sept 2012 we finally broke up again, this time mutually. Immediately after the breakup I felt relief that I was off this emotional roller coaster I began dating a co-worker who I had befriended, we had a great time, he was easy to talk to and was not judgmental and most of all he liked to go out. We went to the bars every night after work [we both worked at a hospital and worked a late shift] and spent almost every weekend together. He introduced me to new activities such as golfing and weekend road trips. I'd never felt so alive. I began to become more independent and was able to repair relationships with old friends as well as make some amazing new friends. I had a life, one that I was extremely happy with! Then in Dec my ex boyfriend [now husband] came home to visit and we hooked up [co-worker and I were not exclusive] and I made it very clear that I did not want a boyfriend. He seemed different though, not as judgmental or uptight,and I was excited to see some positive changes. We kept up communication he continually pushed for a relationship while I kept making it clear that I wasn't ready, then I went to visit him and we got back together. In May I told him I wanted to get married [he had already brought this up with me a few times] and so we did at the end of the month. Everything went by so fast and I'll admit I did get caught up in the whole "I'm getting married" phase. Our wedding was extremely simple, just him and I on a beach in Hawaii. I went home for a month to pack all my belongings and during that month my old co-worker and I began to talk again, just as friends. I moved to Hawaii and since being here I have been miserable. I miss my family and my friends. I have tried applying for jobs here and even going out to make friends but haven't found a group that I fit in with. My husband and I are rarely intimate, and its 100% because I don't want to be. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I made a mistake? I love him, I just don't think I'm in love with him. My husband works long hours [sometimes 12 hours a day] and I spend a lot of time home alone. When he does get home he sits on the couch and plays video games until it's time for bed. This is not how I envisioned my life, I live in Hawaii and I'm miserable! He knows how miserable I am and a few days ago told me that he couldn't be around me being so miserable and perhaps I should go home. The "D" word wasn't spoken by either of us. Nothing was ever resolved from that conversation and since then things have gone back to "normal" but I'm still unhappy. A huge part of me wants to tell him that I think we rushed into a marriage too soon and that I do want to go home. I find myself looking at apartments for rent in the area I used to live in, I even talked to a family member about it and she suggested going back home for a month or so to figure things out. But I'm not even sure how to bring up a conversation with him-plus living a whole ocean away from everyone makes moving that much more difficult. I depend solely on him for money since I don't have a job and what savings I did have we decided we'd use to pay off some debt. I just need some insight
Balzac Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Sorry you're miserable but you sound immature. I cannot understand staying at home all day when so many opportunities exist for volunteering. You have the full military resources available to you so what have you sought out? Why not begin with individual counseling? Hawaii, of all places, the opportunities for outdoor adventure 365 is fully there for you. 1
pteromom Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Before you run back home, you need to give your life in Hawaii a genuine try. Right now, you are relying on your husband to fulfill 100% of your needs, which isn't really fair to him. You need hobbies. Friends. A job or a purpose. I know you are looking, but look harder. Volunteering, as Balzac said, is a good idea while you are searching for a job. You need to create meaning for your own life. Your lack of love for your husband may just be lack of love for your life right now, projected onto him. You need to find some way to fill yourself up so that when your husband gets home, he comes home to a happy, whole wife. As far as intimacy, this might be a fake-it-until-you-make-it situation. Being affectionate may help re-ignite your feelings for him. I don't think it is time to give up yet. 1
orionboxing Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Your lack of love for your husband may just be lack of love for your life right now, projected onto him. THIS COMPLETELY. Get out there and create an identity for yourself. You are doing nothing for yourself and it’s dragging you into depression. Bring something home to talk about to your husband. Get him interested in your life. He might sense your unhappiness and wonder why. I was married to someone like you. It was a chore for her to find hobbies, make friends, etc. In fact, she had no friends. She just layed on the couch and was upset. I wanted her to create a life for herself and she never bothered. I suggested things for us to do...but I eventually gave up and left her because she didn't want to make the effort. I suspect you really do love your husband. Deep down you care. Please work on your marriage and give it 100%. Don’t quit!
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