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Women who hold out for men who aren't ready to commit

irc333

By irc333
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irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
Posted

There's this woman in my area locally, I emailed her on POF, but she said she's holding out for a guy that isn't ready to commit, so until he removes his profile from POF...that's the condition until she will do the same.

 

Otherwise, it's just a Mexican stand-off.

 

That being said......question......., do women actually hold out for guys that aren't interested in them and WILL turn down other men that ask these women out?

 

I recall a movie or TV show that mimicked this...apparently this high school guy asked a girl to the prom, but she told him she's "Waiting for such and such guy to ask her".

 

Is this an exercise in futility?

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
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I don't know. I guess this is kind of like the complaint that men don't want to commit or don't want to settle down. I'm sure there are plenty of men who want to settle down, they just aren't men these women are actually interested in. Happens.

 

Some people wait around for the perfect job or the perfect house or the perfect whatever. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you wait around forever.

  • Like 1
KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

Posted
Posted
There's this woman in my area locally, I emailed her on POF, but she said she's holding out for a guy that isn't ready to commit, so until he removes his profile from POF...that's the condition until she will do the same.

 

Otherwise, it's just a Mexican stand-off.

 

That being said......question......., do women actually hold out for guys that aren't interested in them and WILL turn down other men that ask these women out?

 

I recall a movie or TV show that mimicked this...apparently this high school guy asked a girl to the prom, but she told him she's "Waiting for such and such guy to ask her".

 

Is this an exercise in futility?

 

I'm sure this happens. But she could also just be blowing you off and trying to be nice about it.

  • Like 4
sweetkiwi Established Member

sweetkiwi

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I'm sure this happens. But she could also just be blowing you off and trying to be nice about it.

 

Yup. For the right personmany people would throw all their rules out the window. And it could be the best gamble they ever take. Or it could be a disaster.

 

But really if anyone says they're waiting for so and so or such and such don't take it personal that you're not that person.

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KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

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For the right personmany people would throw all their rules out the window.

 

This. So much this.

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nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

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do women actually hold out for guys that aren't interested in them and WILL turn down other men that ask these women out?

 

 

Is this an exercise in futility?

 

Yes, and yes. This is SO common. But it's also idiotic on their part (and I say this as a woman that's been there, done that).

 

Women who hold out for a non-committal guy also tend to be afraid of real commitment. As in, they are afraid to commit to finding someone who is actually available to them. They are also so afraid of being alone that they are driven into over-committing to unavailable men. It's a bad place to be... to be motivated by fear rather than love. As you can imagine, it's a good thing to stay away from women who do this, too.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
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I think people like that men and women are subconciously afraid of commitment themselves.

  • Like 4
Perrier Established Member

Perrier

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I agree with previous posters that women (and men) who do this are avoiding commitment. It could be for all sorts of reasons (most if not all are likely subconscious).

 

What this behaviour does is keep these people in a state of hope where they can fantasise and experience romantic feelings like normal people, albeit in a 'safe' environment. Maybe they're insecure, 'impotent' or whatever but it beats being alone / feeling empty.

 

This woman may also be trying to politely turn you down.

 

I'd avoid, either way.

  • Like 1
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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Yes this happens. And it's almost always a useless enterprise for women who do this. But she could definitely be blowing you off too and just didn't want to say that you weren't her type.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

Posted
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I think people like that men and women are subconciously afraid of commitment themselves.

 

of course its this, it was OLD

TouchedByViolet Established Member

TouchedByViolet

Posted
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Don't make assumptions. The smart thing to do is take the girl at her word. She directly told you she is into another guy, not you. You are lucky she didn't string you a long or anything while waiting for this other guy.

Revolver Established Member

Revolver

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There's far too many women who waste their primes years waitin on guys who are never going to commit long term. Those guys just string them along until they find the girl they really want.

  • Like 5
StanMusial Established Member

StanMusial

Posted
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There's far too many women who waste their primes years waitin on guys who are never going to commit long term. Those guys just string them along until they find the girl they really want.

 

I have met more than my share of these. Women who stumbled into their 30's without really having experienced a solid, loving relationship then suddenly they wake up and start clawing at any eligible bachelor in sight.

 

I ran as fast as I could whenever I met one of these.

Adele0908 Established Member

Adele0908

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Most guys take time to commit. I take my time to commit too, so for me it's not a big deal. It takes time to get to know people. I don't rush relationships, but if at some point I want to progress and he doesn't, I will move on.

 

But if a man is trying to rush me into a relationship, it's a turn off.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
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I think people like that men and women are subconciously afraid of commitment themselves.

 

People usually date their counterpart and it's most often the woman accusing the man of being the commitment phobe because they don't know they are. I'm a

commitment phobe and I always rarionalize myself into being single. "She's too young" "She's too old and what if I change my mind and want M&C?". I know I am capable of commiting and the type of woman that I will commit to but I

gotta find her.

ltjg45 Established Member

ltjg45

Posted
Posted
That being said......question......., do women actually hold out for guys that aren't interested in them and WILL turn down other men that ask these women out?

 

Actually, I have seen this very thing happen at my workplace with one of the female employees there.

 

She told me that she has been engaged for 2 years. She's 29, already has a daughter, but she has a few features that can easily be unattractive. First of all, she is quite short (like 5ft 2in) and the way she talks is a bit weird too.

 

Despite all of that, she has been engaged for 2 years. Apparently she is still waiting after all of that time. I wonder how much longer she will be waiting before she gets married, if it even happens at all.

hppr Established Member

hppr

Posted
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There's far too many women who waste their primes years waitin on guys who are never going to commit long term. Those guys just string them along until they find the girl they really want.

 

Yeah well it's their choice, just like it's my choice to avoid women like that whenever possible.

Tamin Member

Tamin

Posted
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I'm guilty of this. When I feel strongly about a guy I like, for some reason I like to hold out just in case we hook up. Even if he doesn't know I'm doing this for him, for me it's exciting as if I'm about to finally lose my virginity. It's like staying pure for the person you really want to be with.

 

You never know if things will work out between her and the other, but if you really like her (and only if you REALLY like her), I would try to pursue her. Things might actually turn out in your favor.

 

I only advise this because I'm in a similar situation. If the "other guy" would pursue me harder, I may just give in. It feels good being chased and I'm curious to see how far he would go to win me over.

dasein Established Member

dasein

Posted
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Take her at her word and circle around one more time a month down the road. If she's still giving the same line, then move on to other options. Good luck.

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irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
  • Author
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KungFuJoe's got it.

 

When men I found unattractive wrote to me on OLD and they lived 40 or more miles away, it was easy to tell them I was looking for someone a lot more local. When a guy that lived a lot closer would write and I couldn't use the distance excuse, I often claimed that I was seeing someone from the site and wanted to see where it was going before I made any more new friends.

 

Sounds like she was using my #2 excuse - she's waiting to see where things are going with this guy and isn't in a position to meet anyone at the moment.

 

I think it was a kind brush off.

 

Yeah ,but you can't buy the # 2 excuse....it doesn't hold water...because if you log on and see her "online now" all the time then you know she's not really serious about the guy.

 

After about a week or so of seeing her "Online Now" status (in her case she's really obvious because she's an "upgraded member" on POF)...I send a follow-up email saying, "Hey, noticed you're still on here....guess things aren't working out with that guy that you told me about." Or something to that effect.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
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I have tons of rules but for the right person, I would throw every single one of them out the window.

 

For example, I believed that I am so independent that I can't talk to a guy I date every day. I felt suffocated.

 

Turns out, with the right guy, I want to talk 24/7. And then still want more :o

  • Like 3
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
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I would much prefer a woman to turn me down because she is waiting for a certain guy than make me a place holder.

  • Like 1
Axee Established Member

Axee

Posted
Posted
I have tons of rules but for the right person, I would throw every single one of them out the window.

 

For example, I believed that I am so independent that I can't talk to a guy I date every day. I felt suffocated.

 

Turns out, with the right guy, I want to talk 24/7. And then still want more :o

 

 

Does this right guy behave coolly as if he is not that much into you..

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Yeah ,but you can't buy the # 2 excuse....it doesn't hold water...because if you log on and see her "online now" all the time then you know she's not really serious about the guy.

 

After about a week or so of seeing her "Online Now" status (in her case she's really obvious because she's an "upgraded member" on POF)...I send a follow-up email saying, "Hey, noticed you're still on here....guess things aren't working out with that guy that you told me about." Or something to that effect.

 

She's not trying to give a water tight excuse. She's trying to turn you down gracefully.

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